Trauma after natural birth?

[Cashew22]

Is it ridiculous to feel traumatised (or at least very distressed) by my totally normal, uncomplicated natural birth? I have been looking up birth trauma to find someone who gets it, but all the stories I've read describe difficult, scary births and I don't really feel like my distress is legitimate in comparison.

It was disappointing as I wasn't able to use the birth centre and pool as I had wanted, but I'm okay with that. Mostly the difficult part was because I took the midwife literally when she said to come in after my contractions were 3 in 10 minutes, 1 minute+ each. I was at home in a lot of constant pain and distress, but because I wasn't screaming or making a fuss people thought I was coping. I wasn't coping AT ALL, I just happened not to be loud about it. I just wanted to go into hospital for some sort of help. I got gas and air when I finally did go in, which did help, but wish I had had some support sooner.

My baby is nearly 4 months now. When the midwives and people initially asked me how I felt about the birth I was neutral-to-positive about it. All-in-all I recognise I'm lucky to have had a complication-free birth. But I was quite shocked and hurt that my midwife described my birth as "beautiful"; it has never felt that way to me and as time has passed I only feel worse about it.

I keep trying to talk to my husband about it but, while he is sympathetic, it's clear he had no idea there was such a problem. It feels like everyone just assumed I was fine. Everyone was generally supportive and respectful during my labour, and my birth plan was honoured as far as possible, but I don't really feel as though those around me were at all proactive in actually helping me with my pain and the utter desolation I was experiencing. And I don't feel as though anyone has really acknowledged my distress, during or after the birth.

I'm really grateful for the straightforward birth I had, but finding it hard to move on from the experience. I've written out my birth story bellow to try and process. It's not gruesome, but if you're sensitive to that sort of thing maybe give it a pass.

Birth story:
During pregnancy I was looked after by a peripatetic midwifery team and so had a single point of contact with a midwife who used to come to my house. The same midwife was present at the birth. This was brilliant for me.

After nearly 2 weeks freaking out that I would need an induction (which I really didn't want) I went into labour naturally at 41+3 and delivered at 41+5 without any intervention. The day I was in labour, my midwife came to see me around 8pm (my waters went around 4.30am) and assessed me by watching and timing my contractions. I was already tired by this point as I had barely slept the night before, but although the contractions were fairly regular and getting very sharp I was still doing pretty well and was in good spirits. I hadn't quite reached that point of 3 contractions in 10 minutes, minute long each, so my midwife left and said I could call her when I got there.

I don't remember how long, but basically shortly after that everything went to hell in a handcart. I was only moaning quietly, but in my head I was screaming in pain. I really wanted to be able to go into the birth centre and get in a lovely pool, but because I wasn't contracting to that formula yet I felt I wasn't "allowed" to. My husband suggested a bath at home, but I was under the impression that this might slow things down.
I didn't want that as I was on a 24hr timer for the birth centre because of my waters breaking and wanted to use the pool there when labour got REALLY serious. At this point my attitude totally changed. I feared each contraction, I was tense and shaking and in pain even during the rests. I called my midwife because of blood in my waters, but after I described it she reassured me that it was a normal amount and I stayed at home some more. Eventually my husband did get me in the bath, which helped a lot between contractions, but not much during as our tub wasn't really big enough to get in a comfortable labour position. In the end, after timing for hours and not being sure whether my contractions were at that precise formula, I called my midwife again, who came and examined me - I was at 6cm! All this time I had been totally terrified as I assumed I must only be at the beginning still! I wish she had been there with us during that time.

I was still within the 24hr waters breaking window, but it was a little too close so my midwife said we would use the normal hospital and I went in an ambulance, where I received gas and air. At the hospital, they set up the room really cosily for me and I had more gas and air, which helped somewhat and I became a bit more relaxed as I knew I was through the majority of it. My midwife was busy getting ready and we had to call her back into the room as I started insisting the baby was about to arrive! I don't know how long I pushed for, but baby started crowning pretty instantly and I think it was over in 5 or 6 contractions. In the end I only needed about 3 hours in hospital and the gas and air did help quite a bit, so the actual delivery experience was sort of manageable.

After the baby arrived is a bit of a blur. I know I held her skin-to-skin, had delayed cord clamping and a natural delivery of the placenta. Apparently I was very emotional, but I don't remember that well. I know I was euphoric that the birth was over, but I don't remember being all that fussed about the baby. We stayed in the hospital for observations for 18 hours and went home that evening. I spent a lot of time that day staring at my daughter, thinking she was beautiful, but not really knowing what to make of her. I remember being upset that they took my maternity notes, as they feel like part of me, not the hospital's property. I'm also still coming to terms with not seeing my midwife anymore. I obviously don't need to and it's not like we were ever best friends, but there's this lack of closure to the whole experience.

Not ridiculous at all and the fact that other people have worse experiences doesn't devalue yours or make your response illegitimate. Have you asked the hospital for a birth debrief?

The level of pain even in a normal birth can be really shocking, as can the feeling of loss of control- your birth story is "normal" in that it's a pretty typical experience but obviously the experience of giving birth isn't "normal" in the sense of everyday- it is so far outside what normal life is like that it is hard to be mentally prepared. I'd really recommend talking to someone about it. I felt very traumatised after my first birth and talking really helped, as did the passage of time.

Thank you, Xanthe68. I think a big part of what is continuing to upset me isn't so much that I was in pain, but that nobody really did anything to help me as nobody recognised what a total state I was in. Don't get me wrong, my husband was supportive and stayed with me the whole time, and my midwife was great - I don't blame either of them. But when I needed someone to step in and make suggestions (bath, back massage, going into the birth centre, whatever), my husband was waiting for me to tell him what I wanted and thought that I was coping well on my own. And ideally I think my midwife would have been more involved earlier. I guess part of what I really want is for the people who were there to understand what was going on for me.

When I was discharged my midwife agreed that she would request my maternity notes and come and see me again with them so I can make copies. I think this might be a good time to do a birth debrief with her.

I'm so sorry for your experience and your distress is totally legitmate. I'm going to recommend 'The Body Keeps the Score' by Bessel van der Kolk. It's not at all about birth trauma but is about trauma in general. He goes into detail about what triggers trauma from a scientific POV and that it's the body protecting us. It's a really amazing book. It explains why some people are traumatised by events and not others, it's all to do with how in control and empowered you felt during the event and the narrative you are able to construct around it.

I totally agree with a PP that you should get a debrief, creating a narrative is the first step to processing it and healing. Talk about it openly, you'll be surprised how many people had 'good' or 'easy' births on paper but are totally thrown by the experience, you're not alone by a long stretch.

I know for me I didn't want any suggestions. I was coping on my own and wanted to be left in my own bubble, people nearby but not talking or touching me etc. I was admitted at 5cm and then it was 5hrs until the baby arrived and I made everyone sit in darkness and total silence while I made ungodly noises lol! If you are considering having another, now you know what you need so you can be clear about that in your birth plan and with your partner.

I didn't have a good birth experience but simular to you I got to 6cm in agony I had paracetamol, but I wasn't screaming or anything some it was assumed I was fine, I was very far from fine. I think going through that level of pain that no one can help you with or understand is really scary and it is traumatic... I feel traumatized after my experience and my partner is nice enough but he only knows it from his side and doesn't really know what it's like, nearly 3 months on I still remember the pain and I'm so scared of going through it again I don't feel like I could do it again even though I really wanted another one. I feel better reading your post as atleast someone knows how I feel...

This is a really interesting perspective.

I don't know if this is the right or wrong thing to say, but birth is normal, and normal birth (like yours) is best without any intervention. So less faffing from the midwife actually improves outcomes.

However I think what you're saying is you wish you had had that extra care? Maybe earlier on in your labour.

You could always request a debrief, I think that may help with the closure part of how you're feeling.

There’s no such thing as a “normal” or “ natural “ birth. Vaginal or section. Both normal.

I had a textbook birth and lovely midwives but I found it traumatic due to the pain, took me ages to get over it and I couldn't talk about it with anyone because everyone else had had such difficult births in comparison! 3 months later I cried hysterically to my husband that I could never go through it again so couldn't have any more children.

I thought I was the only woman ever to find a "perfect" birth traumatic. But I've since realised that I'm not at all, it's very common and talking it through helps.

I found my second (quicker and less painful) birth very healing and I would genuinely re-live that day, it was so happy. I said that straight after the birth so no rose tinted glasses. I think a big part of it was knowing what to expect which made me less fearful and more in control. In case that offers you any hope or comfort.

Of course there is. 'Normal vaginal delivery' is the medical term used in the NHS and all over the world.

There's also nothing wrong with sections, I'm not knocking them, but they aren't normal. Caesarean sections are a medical intervention, to preserve safety and well-being. Its major abdominal surgery.

I felt exactly the same. I had an uncomplicated, vaginal birth. I needed no intervention, had no pain relief. Sounds perfect. But my labour experience was horrific. I had wanted a home birth but went into labour ward due to slight concern about low amniotic fluid, and that's fine plans change, but it was the way I was dealt with that made it traumatic.
I wasn't believed I was in established labour (I was also in a lot of pain but dealing with it well, quietly with my tens machine). To cut a long story short, they were very short staffed, I wasn't listened to, they didn't communicate any plan to me whatsoever, and therefore all I felt for my entire labour was complete panic as absolutely everything was out of my control. It wasn't until I DID shout loudly (I transitioned) in the toilet, still on the assessment centre because they had no clue how progressed I was, that they moved me to an actual room and I gave birth minutes later.

I hadn't been able to use any of my hypnobirthing tools, nor go in the pool, all the things i had for coping with the pain, because I was waiting for the midwife to decide whether I was in established enough labour to take me to the ward.

Afterwards, I couldn't sleep and I couldn't stop crying about it, it took months to get over it emotionally and I felt absolutely robbed of what could have been a "perfect" birth if only they'd believed me. Yet, I had a textbook, normal, vaginal birth, not even a tear. I felt idiotic speaking to friends about why the birth was so traumatic because it seems insignificant to things like physical complications or emergency sections etc.

In the end I put in a complaint, and managed to "debrief" that way and had a lot of questions answered, I had it validated that actually the care I received was substandard, and that really helped me come to terms with it.

I'm so sorry you had a bad experience and it is very valid. It doesn't matter what kind of a trauma it was. It felt traumatic to you.

Oh and to add, I had a lot of "oh well, the baby got here safely and that's the main thing".
Completely misses the point. No, the fact that everyone was fine in the end does not invalidate how traumatic your experience was. It IS valid and it's good to talk it through. Even if it's months later, you could still have a debrief if you contact your maternity services and it might help, I know lots of people that have recommended this. My midwife actually said to me that the majority of people who need these debriefs do so because of their experience, not actual complications and that the majority are to get over the emotional trauma of aspects of their birth rather than anything else. If that makes sense.

Yes, I'm glad to have avoided most clinical intervention, other than a belt monitor because my water had been gone a while.

I guess what I mean is that I would have benefitted from more active support, rather than my husband just sitting next to me wanting me to tell him what to do while I went to pieces inside. We had discussed the possibility of him needing to take control to help me get back on track, but none of the practical techniques (hip pressure, etc.) ever materialised. And if my midwife had been there she might have recognised I was further than I realised ; my husband and I both thought I was still only near the beginning as I hadn't reached that formula yet! A lot of pain and distress could have been mitigated by just being able to go into the birth centre and sit in a pool when I was ready, rather than hanging around in pain at home while that option disappeared.

@Cashew22 how was your husband to know what you needed? Is he a mind reader? Maybe pay for a private midwife if you need 1-1 support next time but most midwives will wait to see what you want in labour because women complain about not being in control during their birth experience so much we're now hands off.

Maybe a home birth would suit you more next time?

I understand your feelings. I actually had a horrific first birth, culminated in an emergency section, lost the baby's heartbeat so we didn't know he was going to be alive or not (he was thankfully), extended NICU stay afterwards, septic baby, the works.

But, despite all that trauma, one of the worst things for me was that I had no pain intervention and I had been in active and excruciating labour for 33 hours. I thought I had asked for better pain relief and it had been refused. In fact I thought that I had been warned that if I asked again it would be considered drug seeking behaviour and we would be 'investigated'. Later found out that none of this happened, I'd hallucinated the lot. Like you, I felt that my husband at the time didn't do any of the support or advocacy we'd agreed on or appear to know how much I was suffering. It was awful.

My second birth ended up being an elective c section because I knew that I'd be so anxious and scared (despite doing alllllll the classes and hypnobirthing techniques and everything else I could think of) my adrenaline levels would be sky high and completely screw with progress of labour. However I made sure that I wrote a birth plan in case I went into labour before my c section date and put very clearly that I was to be offered pain relief at regular intervals as it wouldn't occur to me to ask and in my last labour I appeared to be coping far better than I actually was.

My second birth was a dream, I had my elcs and it was wonderful, laid an awful lot of ghosts to rest, so much so that if I were ever lucky enough to have another child I'd actually consider giving vaginal another go!

I wanted a debrief but had moved to a different county by the time I felt up to it and my original hospital weren't very helpful about it, wanted to charge quite a lot for me to access my notes because it had been over a year and wouldn't arrange for me to meet with a midwife, they would just send me the notes. So I would hope that your hospital is far more helpful than mine was, sounds like your midwife is very helpful anyway and willing to come and talk with you so I'd take her up on that.

I hope things start to feel better soon. I had a lot of trauma associated with the birth, the NICU stay etc and my oldest's birthday was hard for a couple of years but I'm happy to report that he's now 8 and I'm very much ok and have been for a good while

Well that tone was uncalled for. Of course he's not a mind-reader and I don't blame him for not being proactive. However, we had discussed various things I thought might be helpful if I was struggling, it just didn't happen that way. He was there for me the whole time, but I certainly wasn't in a position to articulate what I needed.

I've had a couple of wines so I do apologise that I didn't rtft but just wanted to say, I had a very straightforward, positive, uncomplicated birth with my first and still felt traumatised for a few weeks by it.
Going through that kind of pain will do that to a person. If you were in that kind of pain in any other situation, you'd be traumatised as well.
It's totally normal and just because others have had scarier births does not invalidate your own feelings or experience.

I had complications at the delivery stage (episiotomy, 3rd degree tear and forceps) but I've realised reading this thread that that's not the part that traumatised me. DD was back to back (although I didn't know it at the time) and, for the three hours I was at the hospital before the actual delivery I was in constant, intense pain, no break between contractions at all.

Obviously that wasn't what I had expected and I did try to communicate it to my (horrible) MW but i don't think I was making much sense. I've never felt so completely alone, uncared for, unheard or out of control in my life, it was a terrifying feeling. I barely remember the actual delivery except weirdly that I couldn't feel it when they cut me, it was like my body had gone numb by then. I was shaking violently by the time they tried to put DD on my chest and I remember saying no because I was just in such a state, something I still feel guilty about 13 years later.

So much rang true about this OP and some of the replies here, the feeling that you're screaming and no one can hear you, the lack of control and not feeling like the people who were there understood what you went through and the absolute shock of it all. I didn't have a debrief and really wish I had, I think it would have helped.

My doctor after a speedy but issue free, drug free first delivery experience actually spoke to my husband while I was there to warn him to look out for PTSD and potential PND it can cause. It’s 2.5 years on and I’m still scared to do this again, and still flash back to that experience. Your feelings are valid, I think mine stemmed from not being able to time contractions, the night nurse not taking me seriously (2cm to head out in an hour) and just being completely unaware of what the different pain feelings/levels meant was happening. My body did what it was made to do, but I was not in control at all, if that makes any sense. It’s a really scary experience so don’t be discredited by others. You are allowed to feel exactly how you feel. Everyone has their own “labour war story” and that’s ok, it’s a huge life event, and everyone’s is different.

Oh my gosh yes absolutely a “normal” birth can be traumatic. I totally understand your desperation to make sense of your birth and your bewilderment at how others describe it. For me it was almost an obsession, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I felt like I was frozen in the memory of birth and not actually living or connecting with the baby. I was just in a loop of terror and distress. Arghh.

At that time there was an organisation called Trauma After Birth Support (TABS) and it may be that it is still around. If so, I’d encourage you to contact them. They were literally a lifesaver for me.

Eventually I was referred for EMDR and after three sessions my trauma was gone. I could remember the birth but was no longer reliving it. God what a relief.

Love and luck to you as you navigate this horrible burden.

The thing is, it doesn't really matter what any one else thinks, how they might have felt if they'd had your birth experience or how they felt about their own. Your feelings are real and they exist whether you, or anyone else thinks you are "entitled" to have them. I'm sure you don't want to feel traumatised or distressed by your birth experience but people telling you that you shouldn't feel that way - or you trying to tell yourself you shouldn't - almost certainly won't help.
I wont go into great detail as the specifics aren't that relevant, but to cut a long story short, I suffered from PTSD after a car crash some years ago. One of my frequent flashbacks included a misinterpretation of something that happened. I later discovered that what i'd thought was happening wasn't, so I felt stupid and embarrassed that not only had I believed it at the time, but was still reliving it most nights. So i told myself not to be silly and shut it away. It didnt work,
It wasn't until I saw a therapist years later and rather than trying to tell me that my feelings were illogical she just acknowledged that they were real,that I started to make progress. Understanding what exactly happened is important and does help you process traumatic events, but it's not enough on it's own often. I'd really recommend seeking professional help if this continues to weigh on your mind. You cant always "logic" your way out of psychological trauma and as a scientist who thrives on facts, statistics and logic, believe me, I tried!

Good to see a midwife demonstrating plenty of empathy.

I just want to thank everyone for their comments and stories. I have booked in with my original midwife to go over my maternity notes. I feel that this will hopefully help me process the whole event and perhaps facilitate moving on from it. I am also pleased to get the chance to express to her specifically that there were points where I was quite distressed and perhaps needed a bit of encouragement to e.g. try a different position, get some counter-pressure on my hips, etc. Not to complain (she totally followed my instructions at the time), just to kind of set the record straight between us on how I experienced the birth.

I've also actually gone back over my birth preferences. I don't know whether I will ever have/want another baby, but I've found it helpful to write a new plan according to what I now know with hindsight. I've left most of it the same, but put in more about being actively supported to use my coping techniques rather than being expected to just know what to do. Somehow that seems to have channelled things into a more productive, positive way of looking at things. I kept feeling like I wanted to have a do-over. Not that I wanted to go through it all again - I just needed to have the opportunity to make different decisions, and the fact that I don't really see another baby in my future made it feel like I was deprived of that chance. But then I realised I literally could just rewrite my birth plan without ever having the need to use it!