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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

Original poster

Giving birth alone

47 replies

Telemacha · 03/02/2022 16:26

I am 36+3 and have a toddler at home. It has become apparent over the past week that none of our family is willing to be in hand when I go into labour. This means that if it starts in the middle of the night I will have to travel to the hospital on my own while DH stays home with our toddler.

Last time my labour was 7 hours from start to finish so I am preparing for the fact it may be even quicker this time. It seems like a very real possibility that I may end up giving birth alone in the hospital.

Has anyone else done this and if so, how did you find it? Do you have any advice or tips on how to cope? I am feeling a bit emotional about it all at the moment and pretty let down by my parents and SIL in particular. They all live within half an hour but have effectively said they won’t help unless it’s during “waking hours”. I need to find a way to make sure it’s a positive experience if it does turn out to be a solo one.

OP posts:
Soundby · 03/02/2022 18:48

Would you consider a homebirth? My first was 4-5 hours so they’ve said to homebirth next time as I probably won’t make it to hospital.
I was alone for my first birth but went totally into myself and don’t really know what DH would have done anyway. I didn’t even have any midwives there and it was ok. The afterwards was the bit I really needed someone, and luckily DH arrived. But it also depends on how you labour, if you want him there I would consider a homebirth first and a doula if there’s not any way to have him there.
Proper awful of your family. Sad

HettiSpagetti · 03/02/2022 18:53

I gave birth alone too. It was at the start of the very first lockdown and my parents who were coming down when I went in for induction did come so my husband was looking after our other child.

What made it worse was the hospital was really understaffed and wouldn’t let me go home after the pessary, so I was trapped in the hospital for a week waiting to go down and get my waters broken. They eventually went themselves and I nearly gave birth on the ward as they were still too busy to take me down to the labour ward in established labour, and weren’t really paying much attention to me on the ward as it was also understaffed!

Being on my own was ok, you can do it. What still upsets me is that my parents didn’t come down when I felt like I really needed them. One of my parents is CEV, so I know they couldn’t risk coming but it still hurts.

CrimbleCrumble1 · 03/02/2022 18:59

I did this for my third DC. My DH and I decided it was less stressful to plan it this way as we didn’t have anyone to help nearby and I have really quick labours. The birth was an amazing experience, my midwife was so lovely and my DH was actually able to arrive just after the birth in time to give the first bottle as a relative who was an hour away arrived at our house. I’d never bottle fed before or used bottles so my DH loved doing the first one.
It was actually my best birthing experience, I wasn’t worried about my DH worrying about me. The midwife had the radio on and it was just her and me, I had hardly any pain and felt so in control. I really think not worrying about my toddler at home helped me.

LimonataJune · 03/02/2022 19:04

I gave birth on my own last week. I found labouring on my own quite difficult (I was induced and progressed quite quickly so I was just in a shared room with another woman while I laboured). I was in a lot of pain and wished I had someone there to support me - ideally my husband would have been there but it was outside of visiting hours so he wasn't allowed to be. That would be easier if you were in the delivery suite instead as you would have MWs there to support you Smile I only pushed for 5 minutes but by that point my body had taken over enough that I didn't really have chance to think about the fact I was alone. Afterwards I felt like Wonder Woman Smile I felt sad for my husband that he wasn't there but he's still building a really strong bond being with the baby on his paternity leave xx

Roseandgeranium · 03/02/2022 19:06

I had my second without anyone other than midwives. It was completely fine. I found that I was so focused on getting the job done I wasn’t really bothered that DH wasn’t there. And it was actually quite empowering to cut the cord myself and have the first half hour just the two of us. I appreciate, though, that I was lucky to have had a very short, straightforward labour. I think PP who suggested a doula or similar to advocate for you in case of complications are on the money.

Mossstitch · 03/02/2022 19:19

I'm another one who in hindsight think I would have liked alone (long time ago but it's not true that you forget it). I had second at home at my insistence with toddler asleep in the next room. There was midwife, GP and husband all in the bedroom chatting and at one point I went in the bathroom just to be alone, they were getting on my nerves😕 I think I go a bit animal like, just want a quiet, dark corner like the cat😂

Franca123 · 03/02/2022 19:21

Could you ask a neighbour to pop in for an hour or so until a good friend can get there? We recently moved to a new area and had so many genuine offers of help. We've helped our new neighbours out a lot recently with childcare as they're pregnant and have had some issues. We feel like it's an honour to be asked and I've said not to feel funny about knocking in the middle of the night if needs be.

Thirtytimesround · 03/02/2022 19:25

My DH is a bit unreliable (workaholic constant international travel) so I hired a doula so I knew there was someone who would definitely come anytime night or day. It was nice. You could ask her to look after your toddler while DH goes with you, but honestly I’d recommend leave DH at gome and take the doula to hospital. Mine was a fab breathing coach and helped me establish breastfeeding.

wurlycurlywurly · 03/02/2022 19:34

I had my baby alone, it was quick though, around 1 hour from arriving at hospital. It was a bit stressful at the beginning when I was in pain with quick contractions and struggled a bit to call for midwives/ persuade them that baby was coming! But overall it was fine and I didn't have to worry about who was looking after my toddlerp

wurlycurlywurly · 03/02/2022 19:37

Pressed send too quickly! My first labour was much longer/more complications and I was glad my husband was around for that though.

Lollypop701 · 03/02/2022 20:03

I’ve typed a few messages and deleted them. Suffice to say your families behaviour is appalling imo. I really feel for you. I hope you have an easy daytime birth op, and enjoy your new arrival when it happens.

SMBC2020 · 03/02/2022 20:07

I gave birth alone and I wouldn't change it. But I'm single and didn't want anyone else there. The midwives looked after me and I never felt that I needed a birth partner. Good luck!

Katia2511 · 04/02/2022 00:07

We didn't have any family around when I had my second. We asked one of the nursery staff who lived closed by and she was more than happy to do it. I went into labour in the evening and she came to ours at 11pm and stayed the night.

ufucoffee · 04/02/2022 00:23

Yes. My husband was away when I went in to Labour so i went to hospital alone and gave birth without him there. It wasn't a big deal. I don't get the fuss about partners/husbands having to be there.

Lockdownbear · 04/02/2022 00:38

I gave birth alone, induction that went a bit too well, that bit was fine. Dh was told to wait for me to hit 'active labour'
But I'll be honest the horrible bit was when I was being worked on and LO was crying (might be my imagination he was crying) in the plastic box alone.

Truthfully I'd speak with nursery staff first. Would one of them be willing to babysit in your house. If you have a spare room then ideal she comes over goes to bed and takes LO to nursery in the morning.
Just means she needs to be on standby for a week or so.

If none of them are able then I'd look for a nanny agency.

My other though is to call a nanny agency.

Original poster
Telemacha · 04/02/2022 10:28

Thanks all for the suggestions. I am feeling a bit more positive about it today. Looking into doulas and saving minicab numbers! My DH is also going to ask one of our neighbours who has young children - I haven’t met her but he seems to think she might be up for helping.

I am also dusting off the instructions for my TENS machine as last time DH operated it for me. It was a lifesaver so I will need to be able to do it myself.

Hopefully it’ll all be straightforward. I’m still disappointed in how unhelpful they’re all being. I know no one “owes” us childcare but we’ve never asked before, in nearly three years we’ve not had a single instance of anyone looking after our toddler, and this is a one-off emergency case. We hosted Christmas for everyone this year and ran around like blue arsed flies serving them all food and drink! It cost a fortune too… wish we hadn’t bothered now! Petty I know Grin

OP posts:
Theoldcuriosityshop · 04/02/2022 10:42

In the dim and distant past we all gave birth on our own as our husbands weren't allowed to be there. We all managed perfectly well and to be honest I think some men can be more trouble than their worth.

Lockdownbear · 04/02/2022 12:28

@Theoldcuriosityshop

In the dim and distant past we all gave birth on our own as our husbands weren't allowed to be there. We all managed perfectly well and to be honest I think some men can be more trouble than their worth.
Big difference is in the dim and distant they probably had more staff to take care of babies and let mums rest.

It's leaving a tiny, minutes old newborn alone in a crib, just seems mean.
Yes the staff were focused on me, I was bleeding and it was all hands to help me. It was a relief for DH to arrive and hug him before I got wheeled to theater.

TeddyTonks · 04/02/2022 16:22

In the dim and distant past we all gave birth on our own as our husbands weren't allowed to be there. We all managed perfectly well and to be honest I think some men can be more trouble than their worth

This is kind of irrelevant really as midwifery is now so underfunded and understaffed women are left along for long periods of their labour without any support or access to pain relief. I gave birth during the first lockdown and wasn't listened to, almost gave birth totally alone in a side room as the midwife would not accept that my labour had progressed as fast as it had. Unfortunately birth partners are now needed to make up for sub par care in a lot of places (not necessarily the fault of the individuals providing care, but certainly the system). If it was guaranteed that I'd have decent and consistent care I'd be more than happy without DH there, and to be honest I'd prefer that as he's a bit of a panicker and I'd rather competent and qualified care rather than patchy professional attendance and a panicking DH.

Original poster
Telemacha · 04/02/2022 17:33

@Theoldcuriosityshop

In the dim and distant past we all gave birth on our own as our husbands weren't allowed to be there. We all managed perfectly well and to be honest I think some men can be more trouble than their worth.
I’m sure that’s true for some people but my DH was there the whole time with me last time and I was glad of it. If I do end up having complications, and I’ve been warned I might, I’d like him there to make decisions with me or for me and to advocate for what we both want.
OP posts:
Comedycook · 04/02/2022 17:38

@Theoldcuriosityshop

In the dim and distant past we all gave birth on our own as our husbands weren't allowed to be there. We all managed perfectly well and to be honest I think some men can be more trouble than their worth.
It's irrelevant. The op would prefer to have her husband there. I don't think a woman should be forced to give birth alone just because they don't have childcare
BobbleWobble1 · 05/02/2022 09:18

Firstly that's a really poor show from your family. Childcare for us was always a bit patchy but we had long distances etc involved.

I ended up on my own (2nd baby) but due to me and DH having covid so all childcare options fell through (understandably). Honestly it was really fine. I did have a very quick labour which helped. I always worried more about having DH postnatally than in labour but this was based on having a bit of a rough ride the first time. Sounds like that wouldn't be a problem for you if you were to stay in? As it happened, I felt really well afterwards so was perfectly able to manage for a night on my own.

Your first labour was much quicker than mine so hopefully it will be quick second time. We always planned for DH to take me in regardless of the time even though that meant taking toddler out as I'd have freaked out at the idea of being in a taxi.

Also if we'd had childcare for DS, I went from first niggle at 2.30pm, baby born just after 5pm so DH would have been home for bedtime. So entirely possible to be done and dusted in daylight hours!

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