Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

Original poster

Giving birth alone

47 replies

Telemacha · 03/02/2022 16:26

I am 36+3 and have a toddler at home. It has become apparent over the past week that none of our family is willing to be in hand when I go into labour. This means that if it starts in the middle of the night I will have to travel to the hospital on my own while DH stays home with our toddler.

Last time my labour was 7 hours from start to finish so I am preparing for the fact it may be even quicker this time. It seems like a very real possibility that I may end up giving birth alone in the hospital.

Has anyone else done this and if so, how did you find it? Do you have any advice or tips on how to cope? I am feeling a bit emotional about it all at the moment and pretty let down by my parents and SIL in particular. They all live within half an hour but have effectively said they won’t help unless it’s during “waking hours”. I need to find a way to make sure it’s a positive experience if it does turn out to be a solo one.

OP posts:
Comedycook · 03/02/2022 16:29

Please remember this if they ever need some help or support.

gogohm · 03/02/2022 16:29

Could you find a neighbour, friend from nursery, work friend perhaps? We dropped dd 1 off with a colleague of exh's who I barely knew but they had 3 kids and he was a dr plus he offered. I lived overseas so no family

LefttoherownDevizes · 03/02/2022 16:33

I am sorry they have let you down, my mum also let us down as she was having get hair done when I was in labour with DD and thus couldn't mind DS. I have to say I did most of my first two labours solo with DH there only for delivery and the midwives were lovely.

For my third I was with DH the whole time and actually wished he wasn't there. He is lovely but I prefer to retreat into myself and be left be, he kept touching and talking to me

So, staff are well used to caring for women on their own stop speak to them.

Could you afford to hire a doula to be with you if you would rather have support?

Overthebow · 03/02/2022 16:33

Have you got any friends who could look after your toddler? I’d do it for my friends no matter what time it was.

sjxoxo · 03/02/2022 16:34

What about a baby sitter or someone who has looked after your kid before? Is that an option. You could offer plenty of pay as they’ll have to be ‘on call’ in case it happens at night. Congrats on your pregnancy & good luck! Xx

Volterra · 03/02/2022 16:35

Definitely ask people. We hadn’t lived in the area very long and had a couple of people offer to help.

Original poster
Telemacha · 03/02/2022 16:36

@Comedycook I am definitely going to have to work quite hard to forgive and move on. I wouldn’t hesitate for a second if any of them asked me for similar help so I’m quite shocked at their reactions. I think my DM feels she has “done her time” looking after her elderly mother who died about 10 years ago. She doesn’t want any family responsibilities now. Anyway.

@gogohm it’s a possibility - but it’s complicated by the fact we have only just moved to the area so don’t know anyone yet. Ironically we moved to be closer to family, partially to be on hand for ageing parents! I’m not sure I’d feel comfortable knocking on a neighbour’s door in the middle of the night, not leaving my toddler with a stranger.

I guess we could take DC to the hospital with us but that feels a bit unfair and impractical.

OP posts:
RalphLaurenG · 03/02/2022 16:39

Maybe a local mumsnetter?!

Original poster
Telemacha · 03/02/2022 16:40

@LefttoherownDevizes

I am sorry they have let you down, my mum also let us down as she was having get hair done when I was in labour with DD and thus couldn't mind DS. I have to say I did most of my first two labours solo with DH there only for delivery and the midwives were lovely.

For my third I was with DH the whole time and actually wished he wasn't there. He is lovely but I prefer to retreat into myself and be left be, he kept touching and talking to me

So, staff are well used to caring for women on their own stop speak to them.

Could you afford to hire a doula to be with you if you would rather have support?

A doula is a good idea, I’ll look into that. It would need to be someone very local I am guessing just in case it all happens super fast!

Grin That’s funny about your DH. Mine was quite useful first time around IIRC. I’ve had some complications with this pregnancy so am worried something will go wrong and he won’t be there to help me make decisions. (I’m not allowed a home birth for that reason)

OP posts:
Original poster
Telemacha · 03/02/2022 16:42

@Overthebow

Have you got any friends who could look after your toddler? I’d do it for my friends no matter what time it was.
Unfortunately no one local yet as we’ve not lived here very long.
OP posts:
MrsAvocet · 03/02/2022 16:42

I had my last baby alone. DH got the elder two out of bed and took me to hospital then went back home with them.
I rather liked being on my own as I didn't have to think about any body or anything else. And I found the MW didn't go out of the room anywhere near as much as previously when DH was there. I had the same MW for the actual deliveries of both my boys and the labour ward was full at the time so I do think it was the fact I was alone that made the difference, not that it was different staff or that it was quiet.
To be honest, if I'd had another baby I would probably have opted to be aline again.

Original poster
Telemacha · 03/02/2022 16:44

@sjxoxo

What about a baby sitter or someone who has looked after your kid before? Is that an option. You could offer plenty of pay as they’ll have to be ‘on call’ in case it happens at night. Congrats on your pregnancy & good luck! Xx
We’ve never actually used childcare outside of nursery, but I could perhaps ask one of the key workers at nursery if they do anything like that. It might be a bit dodgy to do that though, what if it’s 3am and they are meant to be at work the next day …
OP posts:
Original poster
Telemacha · 03/02/2022 16:46

Loads of friends - but all of them over an hour’s drive away! We actually had a better support network before we moved closer to family as I had NCT friends and lots of local mates.

OP posts:
Original poster
Telemacha · 03/02/2022 16:47

That’s good to hear @MrsAvocet. I’ve got a few local taxi numbers saved so that I can get there alone. Luckily we don’t live far from the hospital.

OP posts:
AgathaMystery · 03/02/2022 16:47

Home birth?

Original poster
Telemacha · 03/02/2022 16:51

I can’t have one unfortunately @AgathaMystery as I’ve had some complications with this pregnancy. That definitely would have been my preference!

OP posts:
TeddyTonks · 03/02/2022 16:53

Wow OP, that is really shitty and selfish of your family, I'm sorry they're so crap.

If you were a new neighbour or aquaintance I would without hesitation help you out. Are you even just on chatting terms with other parents from nursery pick ups etc? Or is there a WhatsApp group? If you mentioned your predicament to me I'd a playdate or two to get to know your DS and then more than happily take him while you're in labour.

Hope you sort something Flowers

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 03/02/2022 16:53

Your family are scum- I personally would cut contact if they couldn’t watch your son for a couple of hours

Moneypennysfreedomfund · 03/02/2022 16:55

I gave birth alone by choice, but I have ‘strange’ views on birth and treated it as purely medical exercise. I didn’t regret my decision and felt staff were really supportive ( although having had only one child I have nothing to compare it to). I wouldn’t have done it differently a second time round…. It isn’t as isolating as I think some women might feel it is.

I understand though it must be very frustrating/ upsetting with family refusing to have your toddler, that would be a huge issue for me. If you do give birth alone have a good plan and ensure staff know your wishes in advance… take care…

Original poster
Telemacha · 03/02/2022 17:00

I’ve been trying to make friends with other parents since we moved but it’s been a bit slower than I expected, probably partly because we’re all doing pick up in the dark with masks on and there is zero chit chat!

Thank you for the sympathy. I think my parents think I am being a bit precious about it so it’s nice having some validation to be honest. They are very much of the “you’ll cope” mindset in general, probably because they are very self-sufficient themselves. My SIL does have kids of her own so I can understand her position a bit more, but they are older and her DH is around. It’s just all a bit shit really.

Hopefully I will go into labour at 9am on a weekday! Doesn’t always seem to happen like that though!

OP posts:
Topseyt · 03/02/2022 17:15

That's a real letdown from your family. My parents were hardly hands-on grandparents and barely even knew their 6 grandchildren as they were growing up but even they didn't do this.

I live a three hour drive from my parents but each time I had a baby (three of them) my mother came down shortly before I was due and spent a couple of weeks with us helping out. Same for my sister. It was the only help we ever got though (still grateful for it anyway) and the youngest two of the grandchildren are now both 19.

Genevie82 · 03/02/2022 17:24

OP, if it’s during the week take DH and your DC to hospital with you if it’s early hours , then get DH to drop them to nursery - ask nursery to be on standby around yr due date for an extra session ad hoc if they will agree..
there are babysitting agencies who will provide emergency care at a price .. look into it xx good luck

IDontDrinkTea · 03/02/2022 17:24

I gave birth alone for the same reason - family didn’t want to provide childcare, friends live about an hour away, and I labour reasonably quickly. It was honestly totally fine

AgathaMystery · 03/02/2022 18:22

I was also on my own when I had DC. i feel like I manifested it a bit as deep down I knew DH wasn’t the right birth supporter for me.

It’s absolutely the case that if you’re alone your care is almost guaranteed to be 1-2-1.

bonetiredwithtwins · 03/02/2022 18:27

That's really unsupportive of your family

I had my twins alone during lockdown - no one came to look after elder child - we all nearly died and I still have flashbacks of the birth being alone and I get quite emotional about it. Part of me is glad though DH wasn't there - he is no good in a crisis but it would be nice to have someone who was there who knows how bad it was as I often feel like my family doesn't appreciate how close things were

Swipe left for the next trending thread