Baby blues, experiences and advice welcome

[Flutterby8]

My DD is coming up to 3 weeks old and I feel like I am struggling with everything.
Her birth wasnt straight forward as we hoped. She was fine but since birth I have been unwell with infections, high blood pressure and lack of milk supply. Ive been back and forth to hospital for monitoring and it has really taken its toll on me.

I was breastfeeding for the first week and when she was weighed with the midwife at our first check up, she had lost almost 10% of her birth weight. We avoided hospital admission because I had been so unwell and my milk was slow so she was just monitored closely.
She is gaining weight, but still not back at her birth weight even now.
We have spoken to so many different midwives and health visitors that i dont know what way is up anymore as they all have different opinions of how i should be feeding her. Ive tried so hard to take everything on board that i am just exhausted.

She is being fed 3 hourly from me. Then will receive a bottle top up if not satisfied. Then im told to pump after each feed. She can feed from me for up to an hour each time.
Somewhere between the feeding routine and nappy changes i need to settle her which seems impossible as i need to feed every 3 hours and she doesnt seem to ever get the rest she needs. Consequently she becomes over tired and wont settle.
Im not sleeping as she doesnt settle and my food intake is lacking as im trying so hard to get her weight back up that i know im neglecting myself.
DH has been really good and supportive and will be very hands on where he can be.

Im not a person to cry but for the last week or so im getting upset over everything. I feel like a failure as I cant get her back to her birth weight despite trying my best. Im finding it harder and harder to settle her especially at night as she is over tired and over stimulated due to the feeding routine we were given.
I just dont know what to do. I feel like my best isnt good enough for her, she deserves more.
Health visitor told me just to go to bed and leave her with DH as im exhausted and will do a health assessment on me soon, basically to see how im coping.
Which has made me feel even worse. She says there isnt a PND red flag, just exhaustion.
How do i get out of this rut? Will this feeling pass? Any tips from people who have felt similar?

Congratulations on your new baby.

The first few weeks are really hard. I had a baby who struggled to put on weight. It was made worse by giving him formula (he's allergic and it wasn't picked up until 16 weeks)

The health visitor is right in that what you really need now is a good sleep. Let dad hold the baby and go and sleep for an hour or two. The world will seem might brighter after that.

Then see if you can get a zoom call with a breastfeeding support group - even better if you can get to an in person one.

Feed every time she stirs and cries, even if that means you spend the day in bed / in front of the telly with her.

Dad can help by bringing you food / water, holding baby while you pee and shower, taking care of the house.

This will pass and it gets easier I promise

You do sound exhausted. Ageee that you could do with leaving her with your DH to to the FF whilst you get some rest/do the expressing.

The first few weeks can be really hard, they often don't settle abs want to sleep on you. It's not necessarily a sign that there's anything wrong.

Just wondering if you've spoken to a BFC on one of the BFing Helplines? If not, I would call them and ask for some urgent support

💐 be kind to yourself. My baby is 5months now and I remember the first 3 weeks being tough. I also had to go back to the hospital a few times in the first week following her birth and never felt we had chance to just bond and figure out what on earth I was doing and establish breastfeeding as I was dashing around everywhere. I remember feeling like a zombie, I was there in body but my mind was elsewhere. I also ended up seeing a different midwife/health visitor every time and the conflicting advice sent me spinning a bit! I was also breastfeeding, expressing and doing some formula top ups and it was a lot. It was constant. But I can assure you things get so much better and easier. I gave some very small formula top ups to my baby for a few days just to help satisfy her and ensure she didn't lose too much weight as I was told we'd end up on a feeding plan too. We've gone on to exclusively breastfed without any issues. Whatever you decide to do things will eventually settle and fall into place.

I'd echo what others have said though. Get some advice from one of the breastfeeding helplines. Feed as often as you can to help boost your supply. Try and remember to eat (I was bad for not feeling I had time to do anything, including eating but you do feel better if you eat properly and it should help your supply. Definitely make it your partners job to keep you fed. Drink loads of water. And definitely have a day (or several) in bed with baby to help you catch up with sleep. Try feeding lying down (get your partner to watch if your anxious about falling asleep doing this). I also used to pass the baby to my husband once she had been fed and she would nap on him whilst I shut my eyes. The exhaustion and relentlessness does pass and soon it will all seem a distant memory. In the meantime be kind to yourself the first few weeks are tough, relentless and draining and it really took me by surprise.

Thank you everyone for your replies.
I knew things would be hard but I didn't ever imagine I would feel the way I am.
The conflicting advice has really sent me in a spin and I honestly can't see how there are physically enough hours in the day to do everything that I 'need' to do.
At the moment I honestly don't feel bonded to her at all. The birth was traumatic, that coupled with being very unwell afterwards for almost 2 weeks didn't help.
I thought I had it together at the beginning and couldn't love her anymore. But now I just feel I'm letting her down massively because the milk supply and demand is just not working. She seems hungry all the time and struggles to settle and I just feel its my fault.

DH is often passed DD after a feed for burping and cuddles and nappy changes but she just refuses to settle.
I've mentioned to various midwives and health visitors about her lack of sleep and I just get told to constantly cuddle her because she is over tired. But then I don't sleep because she is constantly asleep on me. She doesn't settle on DH much because he doesn't smell milky I guess. He's worn a cardigan of mine and stuff to try to help but there is no fooling baby.
I'm worried about co-sleeping too as I am a fidget in bed and obviously don't want to harm her unintentionally.
I feel so lost as to how to settle her to get enough sleep while still trying to feed her every 3 hours.
I have spoken to a breastfeeding midwife who just told me what I was doing was fine but to express after every feed too. To be honest this has just been exhausting me so much.
We do have a consultant coming out to assess her feeding and to check for any mouth abnormalities due to concerns raised at the hospital so hopefully they can provide advice too.
Can anyone recommend the best breastfeeding helpline to contact in case I get nowhere with the consultant?

The NCT run a breastfeeding support line. They are open every day.

Our local NCT breastfeeding group is really good. Search Baby Cafe Penge or Beckenham as she is doing online consultations at the moment as well.

Sounds like a bit of cluster feeding which is normal when they go through a growth spurt. I found a book called Your Baby Week by Week really useful in these first 6 months. It doesn't overwhelm you with information and what it does give is relevant to the age baby is.

The non settling could be some reflux so having her slightly upright when daddy holds her can help.

Have you tired a dummy for when daddy is with her? If you do it just for the time you need to sleep then it won't mess up your supply or anything like that.

Put baby on the bottle. You should be enjoying this time with your baby, not stressing out.
It’s fine not to breastfeed.

@GoodnightGrandma

Put baby on the bottle. You should be enjoying this time with your baby, not stressing out. It’s fine not to breastfeed.

I know you mean well, but bottles aren't always the answer.

Some women want to breastfeed and therefore want advice about how to continue.

Some babies (like mine) are allergic to cows milk and so giving formula created a whole new wave of even worse issues.

OP - of course stopping breastfeeding is an option, but I get the sense you're not there yet and you're about half way through the establishment phase.

Thank you for the advice about NCT support. I will look into that today.

Before she was born I wasn't fussed on breast feeding at all and was happy with bottle feeding. But once she was here and I gave her the first feed something clicked and its what I wanted to do.
I have felt so so under pressure to get it right that even giving formula top ups have made me disappointed that I can't solely feed her myself.
In an ideal world I would love to just continue to breast feed because it feels right but the struggle with milk supply is so so real and I don't know how to pull myself back and get it right for her

Getting some sleep will help a lot. Perhaps dad can take her for a walk while you sleep. She will likely settle better on the move and if she's out the house you will sleep better.

One of the tricker bits of breastfeeding is not knowing how much they are having. You have to go off weight gain and wet nappies which can be hard / not concrete enough to ensure you feel comfortable.

See if you can get some expert help and keep on feeding as often as you can.

It's such hard work in the beginning but once your over this bit it gets so easy.

What kept me going was looking up formula instructions, putting to the boob was way easier (that and my son projectile vomiting after any formula lol)

Find a good box set too. There's literally nothing wrong with you and baby snuggling up in front of the TV together.

How you are feeling re not bonded is also totally normal. I didn't feel much towards my baby in the early weeks because I was just surviving. Now she is the most precious thing ever and that bond definitely came and I look back and think why didn't I feel this way from the start but I've learnt to try and be kinder to myself about that because it's normal and the first few weeks were hard! That bond will come. You're not letting her down, you're trying your absolute best to get it right for her and that's definitely not letting her down. It takes time to work it all out together as they need to learn as well. Someone said to me it takes time for you to get to know your baby and what works and it's so true. Whilst you figure it out you are not letting her down.

Have you tried passing baby to your husband once she's asleep? This is what I had to do and most of the time it would work so long as she was sound asleep. Can you send him off to walk with her in the pushchair for an hour or so? Motion worked great for my baby. Also agree re dummy. I caved and gave my daughter a dummy after 8 days when someone suggested it to me. I was worried because I'd read about not giving dummies to breastfed babies but I've honestly never looked back. I still allowed her to cluster feed to help my supply but the dummy just helped to settle in between feeds and meant I could grab some time and she slept so much better after we introduced the dummy.

I also felt like you re breastfeeding. Before she was born I was quite neutral about it all and just said it if works great, if not that's ok too but from somewhere once I started I had this determination to continue. That being said I set myself small goals and kept saying if things didn't get easier I had other options. It took the pressure off and every time I got to that goalpost things felt so much easier so I'd continue. My long term goal was 6months and now I'm almost here I'm going to carry on until a year and see how I feel. But if things don't feel easier you've definitely got to take care of yourself too. Get all the support and advice you can to keep going but ultimately make sure you look after yourself as your health is also important to a happy baby and you being able to enjoy her. How I saw it re the formula top ups was that if it meant I could continue breastfeeding long term then it was worth it. If I didn't do the formula top ups and cracked under the pressure of it all and gave up all together because it was too much then id probably regret it more. I'm not sure if that helps you reframe how you're feeling right now but from what you've written it definitely feels like you need to give yourself a bit of breathing space but ultimately you have to do whatever you feel is right 💐

@Fizzl you have actually summed everything up perfectly. It is exactly how I feel and its nice to hear from so many other people that I'm not doing a bad job and that this is all normal.

DH organised for an independent midwife/lactation consultant to come out to chat through everything with me and offer support. I didn't realise he had done this but its really helped.
She was amazing.
She has helped me rationalise everything and has given me advice, quite opposite to our health visitor. She didn't once make me feel guilty for feeling down and not bonded. She helped me with a sensible feeding plan that is more sustainable.
She also checked for any oral abnormalities and found a severe, posterior tongue tie. She said the tongue movement was hugely restricted and has prob contributed alot to the poor feeding and lack of incoming milk supply.
Its been cut now so hopefully the feeding will improve and she will be happier.

The mum guilt is real! From the moment they were conceived I've learnt my life is going to be riddled with worry, self doubt and guilt now. It's a difficult adjustment.

Good to hear you've had some good advice and support. Hopefully things will start to feel better soon. Great that she's picked up the tongue tie too, that should hopefully make a difference for you and baby. Good luck, I hope it all works out for you now

So glad that a tongue tie has been diagnosed and divided.

Tongue Ties don't mean that you have a problem with supply, just that she had problems accessing your milk