I am seeking advice on how to heal from a traumatic birth experience. My son was born ten weeks ago, and although I am thrilled with him, I have been deeply depressed about the birth experience and my physical recovery ever since. I should preface this by saying I know I'm lucky. My son and I are both well and I should be grateful, but I can't shake the feeling that it was all wrong.
I had a great pregnancy and was surprised at my 39-week appointment to be told that I had low fluid and needed to be induced. I was sent to the hospital for a check and they determined my fluid was fine and sent me home. The following evening I had bloody show and fluid, so, thinking my water had broken, I returned to the hospital. I was checked and it was determined that my water hadn't broken, but I still had low fluid, so they decided to induce. However, they kept me waiting for three hours until they informed me of their decision to do so. I was moved to another room, where I waited for another three hours for the induction to begin. At 3 am my light was switched on and a resident and group of medical students entered my room to insert a balloon and Cytotec pill. Two hours later I was moved to another room, where I labored until the balloon fell out, early the next day. Soon thereafter pitocin was administered. The cervical checks seemed incessant, eventually causing involuntary convulsions. I took an epidural for the pain of the cervical checks, not the contractions. I labored until about 9pm when I reached 10 cm dialated. I pushed for two hours but developed a fever from infected fluid and the baby went into distress. The baby was then delivered via ventouse, causing substantial pernieal and labial tearing. I was not informed how many stitches I was given and/or what degree tear I had. I was not allowed to hold the baby, and he was promptly sent to the nicu along with my husband. My doctor looked dismayed as he stitched me up but told me I would eventually be fine. Afterward, I was left alone with a breast pump. At 4 am I was moved to another room. I was disturbed by the nurses and doctors so many times I got no sleep. Due to the fever, both the baby and I were put on antibiotics. The nicu nurses explained that because of the antibiotics the baby had to be well hydrated with formula in order to flush his kidneys. I tried to establish breastfeeding and it was unsuccessful. Every time I arrived for his feeding he was already fed. He was covered in so many wires I could barely touch him, and every time I tried to hold him it set off an alarm and a guard came barrelling in to reprimand me. I've been exclusively pumping, which I've found exhausting and impractical. My physical recovery has also been hard. My doctor was not forthcoming about the injuries I sustained. Although he pronounced me healed six weeks later I still have strange sensations and wonder if I have a prolapse or some pelvic floor injury. He told me the sensations I was feeling were in my head. I worry that I will never feel physically normal again. Also, I wanted to have another child, and I wonder if my injuries would preclude another vaginal birth and/or leave me with serious physical consequences.
Am I right to think I was treated badly? I didn't have any particular expectations of birth and was willing to accept medical interventions where necessary. But, it never occurred to me that the entire birth would be one medical intervention after another. I don't feel like I gave birth. I feel like a baby was forcibly extracted from my body. Has anyone had a similar experience or feelings and is willing to share how they moved past it?