Secondary tokophobia and due in 3 weeks

[3rdtimeluckee]

This is my third baby, I suffer from secondary tokophobia and it’s that bad I almost terminated the pregnancy. My midwife has been fabulous throughout as has my consultant. I’ve been offered induction and a C-section.

This has not stopped the nightmares, the intrusive thoughts and the absolute terror and worry.

I have never dreaded birth before, but this one is different.

Has anyone else suffered from secondary tokophobia and gone on to give birth?

I’m being offered an induction with waters breaking from the start with an epidural in the hopes I birth quick. I’m reluctant and still wondering about the csection I have booked in for 4 days after but reluctant due to the recovery and having two young children and a newborn care for (I will have my husband here for support for though).

I have tried CBT, hypnobirth, counselling. They refuse to do EMDR for me whilst I’m pregnant as it’s not ‘ethical to do with a pregnant woman’.

Shameless bump

@3rdtimeluckee

I had this with my first pregnancy
Consultant led, c-section booked

However my daughter Had other ideas, my waters went at 34 weeks and 2 hours later I'd given birth and the fear just went because I had no option and I've been fine with my next baby

What I would say is just be guided by the experts and hopefully knowing you'll be booked in on a certain date will help

I found writing a week by week list (although I didn't get thru it all!!) really helped me to focus on doing things for the baby or preparing meals for the freezer which kept me busy.

Keep talking to people and if your feeling a bit wobbly say so; it's ok to not be ok and have a wobble but hopefully you'll start feeling better soon ❤️

I’ve been talking to people and everyone just says the same.. you’re going to be fine.

I think it’s different; secondary tokophobia to tokophobia as this is through previous experience not fear of the unknown. Unfortunately I know the pain all too well and feel no comfort in promises of non existent pain relief, over stretched nhs, lack of empathy and compassion by most midwifery teams and the overwhelming pain mixed with from the moment I got my positive test I have felt something will go wrong and either me or baby (or both) are going to die (I’ve never had this feeling with any of my births). It’s very overwhelming and no amount of therapy or hypnobirthing has kept my mind off it I’m afraid. As the days loom for birth I’m finding my mood become worse, anxious, random tears, panic attacks, it’s very overwhelming

@3rdtimeluckee

I'm so sorry you feel like this
Phone the GP tomorrow and see what they can do to help
Would a home birth be an option for you and make you feel more relaxed in your own surroundings?

@3rdtimeluckee I have no experience of this but didn't want to read and run. It sounds like a lot to have to deal with, alongside looking after two little ones.

Your worries about the pain, lack of support etc are very valid, as you know from previous births. Is your partner supportive in advocating for you? Can you use him to really push home what you need when the time comes?

Keep talking about it as much as you can, to friends, family, anyone who will listen if you're happy to talk.

Ooh no. I had a homebirth planned with my second and it was cancelled just days before due to covid, I was devastated but the way the birth went I’m almost glad. I managed 13 hours at home and the last 3 in hospital.

GP has been useless, midwife has been great though. I’ve had CBT and counselling and none have helped I’m afraid. Nothing does I’m just lost

Imagine a consultant told you that an elective c section was the absolute safest option and best for you and baby - would that lift a weight from your mind?

Tbh I think a cs is what I'd go for in your situation. Yes, it might be a difficult recovery but postnatal depression/anxiety is also difficult to recover from, and the anxiety you are going through now is obviously having a serious impact.

Can you draft in any extra help post birth? Hire a nanny for the other children for a few days? Family? Friends?

Good luck - it sounds really tough.

@omfgimgettingmarried I’ve had consultant tell me she will perform the section, drapes down, relaxed, first on the list etc. But, I’m a very hands on mum, I have skin to skin, I breastfeed, I don’t like anyone but me and husband care for baby etc.. so the idea of recovery on a postnatal ward fills me with dread and I’ve been told respiratory risks for csection are higher too so that’s a big factor. Just wish I had a different brain. I was so looking forward to my last two births but I’ve dreaded this one for 9 months

@3rdtimeluckee i haven't given birth yet but also third pregnancy, feeling exactly the same as you and 39 weeks today. Not mentioned it to my midwife yet as this fear only kicked in after a false alarm about two weeks ago, but ever since the panic attacks have been horrendous. I'm sorry I don't have answers, but you're not alone in feeling this way.

@Oodlesofdoodlescockapoodles the false alarms are the worst, I had one 2 weeks ago too and I was physically shaking in panic. Part of me just wants to have a nice planned section and put up with the pain post natally but I know I’ll be devastated about not being able to do everything I would normally after birth.

Do you think you’ll mention it to the midwife?

@3rdtimeluckee I'm going to have to, I'm too afraid to go to sleep tonight in case I wake up in labour (which I know is completely ridiculous!) i feel like I've lost all sense of perspective and rational thinking. I don't even really know why! I've even looked into paying for a private section but i couldn't afford it in a million years. I really don't know what the answer is, there's no nice way to do it is there?

Are you leaning towards a c section? I feel like at 39 weeks I've left it way too late to ask! Also worried about recovery with other children at home. But convinced myself I'll die if I go into labour naturally (no idea why but can't get the idea out of my head )

Could your husband stay overnight?

I had a caesarean a year ago after an awful vaginal delivery with my first. I loved it. I had immediate skin to skin and she fed for 2hrs straight. They didn't weigh her til she stopped, we were on the ward by this point. I recovered really well, too.

Are you a perfectionist OP? What you say about after the birth etc sounds very very like how my brain works and it's because I don't want to be responsible for anything being less than the absolute optimum, it's really debilitating actually.

@Oodlesofdoodlescockapoodles I wouldn’t say it’s too late! Have the chat, see what they say. When I told my midwife about the fear of dying (something I never had before with my other children) she said.. you need to trust your gut on this one and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise, she said it’s mother’s instinct.

@latte101 I would love him to but my 18mo has never been taken care of by anyone else and I’d worry so much about us being away from him over night, atleast this way hubby can be home same day. It’s reassuring to know you got skin to skin and fed so well though! My section would be done at 38+4, was yours similar gestation? They’ve told me because it’s before 39 weeks baby might have to go in NICU.

@thaegumathteth I think there may be an element of feeling very out of control that I’m uncomfortable with yes, covid has almost been a blessing and a curse for us, I got my home birth taken away last minute (with 2nd baby) but then got completely left alone (which we loved) following his birth, home straight away, no HV coming, left to it.. bliss! I now have two not very well adjusted young children that I’ll have to leave (thanks covid and not being around any family or friends the whole time to make bonds), covid regulations on wards, there’s just a lot to take in right now. But yes, maybe I am a perfectionist when it comes to being a mum (I’m not in any other aspect of my life believe me haha)

I was 39+4 x

My 2nd and 3rd babies were planned c sections both breastfed without any formula for over a year each. Wasnt easy but neither was feeding my first born. Recovery was uncomplicated (as uncomplicated as recovery from surgery can be) and far less emotionally scarring as my first delivery. I didn’t rush back into normal life though and took 2 weeks of mostly bed rest/feeding.

Op, please don’t feel like you won’t be hands on with baby due to a c-section, that’s a myth. I had a EMCS and my milk still came in straight after birth, I needed help from dp when it came to passing me things but baby stayed in my arms for almost 2 weeks! Also, I was ok after the first week.

Honestly, you need to discuss this more with your consultant as you could still be fine with giving birth the way you did before. However, if it’s troubling you so much and you really can’t face a vaginal birth, then please just remember that there’s nothing wrong with a C-Section and it won’t affect your bond with baby.

I had this with my first. I had some therapy and it helped somewhat but I've just seen that that hasn't worked for you.
The main thing that really honestly helped me was hypnobirthing. It helped me to feel in control the whole time and when I was actually in labour, I wasn't scared at all and felt really calm and relaxed. I ended up having an amazing birth.

Good luck xx

I had primary tokophobia (I say had, still do, just not pregnant anymore)! I went for a section and omg what an experience. It was AMAZING! so calm, painless and I would recommend one to anyone. The recovery was nothing compared to what I expected