Struggling after difficult birth - does it get better?

[kingfisher657]

My son was born 5 weeks ago. It was a really difficult birth, featuring

(1) an adverse reaction to an induction drug (in which I was basically abandoned, in huge pain and distress, until shift change)
(2) a category 1 emergency cesarean (unrelated to the induction)
(3) a short stay in the NICU for my son (while I cried my eyes out in recovery)

For the first week or so I had full-on PTSD symptoms, I ticked all the boxes. Those symptoms have thankfully faded, but I still feel really messed up about the whole thing. I have such difficult feelings about all 3 of those complications and it cycles between them depending on the day/hour. I'm spending a large part of every day feeling really upset, and doing things like obsessing about my chances of a successful VBAC in the future because apparently a vaginal birth is on my bucket list, or something.

I've had a debrief with my midwife who was there for most of it, which helped a lot and answered all my medical questions. But I am still struggling with my feelings about the whole thing. I know I'm not depressed - I've had depression before and know what it feels like, and other than this I'm so so happy being a new mum - so it's not clear that the NHS can offer me any counselling, because I don't tick enough of the depression boxes. Considering private counselling because I'm just so tired of handling this on my own.

Not really sure what I'm looking for here, maybe just a bit of reassurance that it gets easier, or others who have felt the same way?

You poor poor thing, I know how awful it is to be dogged with these thoughts. 6 weeks is really soon after something so traumatic and requiring such a big physical recovery, let alone the adjustment to motherhood.
I honestly don't know how I have put my dc's awful births behind me, I think time has played a part, and other things in life taking up that head space, plus as they grow up I love them more and more.
You know it isn't depression, could it be an OCD type thing? There are techniques that councillors use which are supposed to be really helpful although I don't personally think they go deep enough into acknowledging the harm that was done to us in childbirth. Take care

That sounds like a frightening experience.
MiND website has a good page on postnatal PTSD and birth trauma. Also I think most NHS trusts recognise this as a serious issue and do have some resources to help. Yes, you might get anxiety and depression as a result of your trauma but it's not simply that your birth has caused PND. The trauma is a thing in itself.

Hope you can find some help and support.

So sorry you're feeling this way, it's so so hard but it does get better. My birth wasn't as bad as yours but it was very far from what I wanted and was pretty traumatic. I had my debrief about 10 weeks after and only then I was able to talk about the birth but still felt really traumatised for a long time. I felt angry that that was my birth experience which I still feel now (DS is 12 months). But I'm not upset anymore. Give yourself time but talking about it might help.

I could have written this, so I'm really sorry this happened to you. This could turn into depression, in my experience post natal depression wasn't like previous depressed periods, it was more like a acute anxiety disorder. I constantly replayed what happened in my head and was so scared that my son was going to die, every minute of every day.

My advise is to speak to someone like your GP and get counselling. I left it until my son was 13 months to speak up and I wish I had done it sooner.

It does get better. It can take quite some time. My first birth in 2014 was really awful. Some similarities and some differences but key things were difficult physical recovery for me plus short stay in NICU for baby.

I had intense guilt and feelings of failure relating to birth that didn’t really go until I had my second child. I couldn’t talk about the birth without sobbing for many months. And looking back I was depressed although I probably wouldn’t have labelled myself as such at the time.

Good news is that I don’t really feel traumatised by my birth any more.

You've really been through it.

I had PTSD after DDs birth.

First few weeks were a shit show. Lots of tears, and not knowing which way was up. Baby was cared for by me and everyone else looked after me. I hope you have lots of IRL support too.

4-6 months my emotional state improved as we got into a routine. I was getting more sleep, eating regular meals, exercising. The routine was predictable which meant my hyper vigilance subsided. I joined a birth trauma FB group which I found supportive.

7 months still lots of rumination & I had a flashback while driving. This was the moment I realised I was unwell and needed some extra help.

I self referred to a local counselling charity, they prioritised me due to being post-natal. I had CBT. It was hard but made a huge difference. I left the FB group as I realised it was feeding my rumination.

Now I'm pregnant again - I never thought I would be but here we are. The birth reflections service at my hospital are offering me a lot of support with the birth plan this time around. I'm making very different plans than I would have done 5 weeks post-partum - these are not decisions you need to make now.

Sounds like you are doing incredible things for your baby, caring for them while you're dealing with a huge physical and emotional recovery. You will be a great mum. You've had a much, much harder start than most, be kind to yourself and find the help you need when you need it 💜

Thank you everyone for being so kind
I love my son so much, but am so upset at what I went through to get him.
I'm trying to figure out the best way to get some help now.

Hello OP, I had something similar to this after giving birth. I was fine most of the time but every time I was alone, or trying to sleep and my mind started wandering I would just keep thinking about the birth and reliving it over and over again. It was similar to how I felt when I had a car crash a few years ago.

For me, it did get better on its own, I was able to redirect my mind every time I started dwelling on it, and gradually the number of times it popped into my head reduced. I’m now 4 months post birth and feel completely fine.

I don’t want to minimise this as it sounds like your symptoms are perhaps a bit more severe than mine were. But If you’re struggling to sleep, one thing that helped me is to listening audiobooks, quite boring ones, it just gave me something else to focus on so I could give my brain a break.

Please don’t think I’m suggesting that will solve it by the way, but it helped me manage to get some sleep because that’s when it affected me most.

That sounds awful. Please do talk to the Birth Trauma Association.

It was set up by a Mum after she had experienced birth trauma to help other Mums, just like you