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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

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Original poster

dh watching baby being born - yes or no?

72 replies

Stargazing · 26/11/2007 23:27

I know that a lot will depend on how things go at the time, but a few friends have told me to encourage dh to watch the birth from 'down there'. The idea doesn't bother me, exactly, but I do wonder how he might react to it. Anyone got any experience of this? what did your dh think, would you recommend it?

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notnowbernard · 27/11/2007 09:58

Dp 'caught' dd1 (waterbirth)

Watched dd2 (waterbirth again but was i was in a squatting position this time)

He's not a squeamish type, though. And he now has the most respect for women who've given birth.

I could've done without the description of what happened to my nether regions during the actual delivery process though

(It hasn't put him off though )

Anna8888 · 27/11/2007 10:01

My partner was not present at the birth and there is absolutely no way I would have wished him to be there.

These things are very personal.

CharlieAndLolasMummy · 27/11/2007 10:02

Surely you can just play this by ear?

He can be there, if he wants to watch the emergence, then he can, if he doesn't he can stay up the top with you and be helpful.

I am not actually sure if dp "saw" either of the kids being born, shall have to ask. He cut the cord both times and I THINK he "caught" dd (ds born amidst slight drama so had to be checked by a paediatrician before we touched him). God thats awful that I don't know! Will have to find out!

mistypeaks · 27/11/2007 10:08

I think have a chat about it, work out if there are any definite ideas and then pretty much play it by ear. Births never go as you think they will. DH was always going to be head end, but MW suddenly yelled at him to grab a leg (mine - not hers or baby's!) as baby is coming now!!! He didn't have much time to realise he didn't want to be there. But now he's so glad he was where he was. "amazing, wonderful, disgusting and how do women do that" are among his comments. My reply to the last by the way . . . "with the support of lovely husband's like you!!" (gas & air talking!!!).

DaDaDa · 27/11/2007 10:20

He'll decide during the process if he's up to watching the gory stuff!

I naively always thought ventouse=suction=some big machine that pulls the baby serenely out using air pressure. It all got rather mediaeval, but I wouldn't have missed it for the world. Just... astounding, that moment when you see your child for the first time [wells up]

Personally, I think it's a great marker for a totally different phase of the relationship. I respected DW before, but after seeing her give birth... well it goes without saying really. I don't think I could have much respect for a man who fathers a child but comes out of childbirth with negative feelings because they're worried about the effect on their partners nether regions.

Best of luck.

Notyummy · 27/11/2007 10:27

I think, as other posters have said, you just play it by ear. DH wanted to be 'at the head end'. In the end I needed forceps very quickly, followed by a haemorrage. The bed was cranked up so I was sitting nearly upright so he was right by the 'business end'. He was freaked out by the blood and guts but didn't let me know at the time and I don't think it damaged our relationship. He was bit horrified by the smell...may be worth warning your dp! He described it as the smell of someones insides on a hot day.... Having said that, he has maintained that he wouldn't have missed it for the world, even though he was sobbing for the final 5 minutes because he hated seeing me in pain when they wielded the high forceps with no pain relief. I may have screamed a bit.....

sweetkitty · 27/11/2007 10:28

Like others on here DP was squeamish and said he would saty at the head end. When it came down to it he was straight in there saw everything said it was the most amazing thing he had ever seen, especially when DD2's head was out body still in and she was looking at him, he can't wait for the next one to be born though.

TBH I thought the whole thing brought us even closer together he was totally in awe of me for going through it and we had experienced something so personal together.

I am he gets to see his children being born without all the pain.

Spidermama · 27/11/2007 10:31

I think you have to vibes it as the labour goes on. With my births the idea of dh being a passive spectator is very strange. He was with me all the way holding me, providing something for me to lean on, giving me water and gazing into my eyes encouraging me. I don't think he saw much action down the other end as I needed him up with me.

notnowbernard · 27/11/2007 10:32

Actually, IIRC, Dp was 100x more bothered by seeing me stitched up afterwards... he was at the head end for this bit, or distracting himself with the baby!

I think this was because stitching is an 'unnatural' intervention, the process of birth was not.

CharlieAndLolasMummy · 27/11/2007 10:36

Good post dadada

I mean, ffs, WE go through hours of agony to squeeze these kids out...and that blood and gore on the bed is OURS.

I can't work up THAT much sympathy for men coming over all faint in this situation, sorry .

crokky · 27/11/2007 10:44

It is for some men, it isn't for others. My DH watched me (business end!) have episiotomy and forceps delivery and said it was like a river of blood!!! It didn't worry him at all then or now, but personally I might find it a bit hard to watch someone I love bleeding like that.

DaDaDa · 27/11/2007 10:55

Oh, it is hard crokky. I was seriously worried about losing one or both of them at various points (epi, ventouse, protracted and bloody third stage). Obviously it was all fine in the end.

I suppose that's our penance for not having to actually go through the pain ourselves. Also it's actually quite difficult feeling that you have little influence over what's going on other than helping with pain relief/light refreshments/cheerleading.

TheBlonde · 27/11/2007 10:59

I wouldn't encourage him if he doesn't want to

Mine saw it all and took photos

cestlavie · 27/11/2007 11:11

To be honest, speaking as a DH, when it all kicks off the blood etc. really is the last thing on your mind. You're spending all your time (a) trying to help/ be shouted out/ hold DW's hand etc (b) trying to help/ be shouted at by the midwife and assorted medical staff and (c) look for new baby arriving.

What I would say is that if DH is counting on not being down at the action end I wouldn't count on that. I was holding DW's hand/ stroking head/ being told to "bloody shut up with my stupid comments" through the initial part and then when things really got going the midwife was like "right, you, hold her left leg, down here, push when I tell you, now". Absolutely amazing experience though which I'd never ever trade - the sight of the little lad arriving and being placed on DW's tummy being only seconds old just absolutely blows you away.

hildegard · 27/11/2007 11:16

My DH stood up so that he could see over the curtain during my emergency cs, he thought it was amazing. I was surprised as he would never watch an operation on tv.

I could have done without the detailed explanation he gave me about the entire process about an hour later though.

You dh will know what he wants to do at the time.

naturelover · 27/11/2007 11:43

My DH said it was amazing when the head crowned.... and then it actually crowned fully and he was most impressed! Although neither of us were sure about the poo/gore/cutting cord, and I left it up to him, he actually saw it all and was very proud of me. His main role early on was hand holding and brow mopping however he ended up seeing it all and said he's pleased he did.

isaidhohoho · 27/11/2007 11:52

My DH watched, and it didn't put him off me!

With DS2 he said it was like a scene from the exorcist - the head came out, twisted round and started screaming - before the rest of his body slid out!

teuch · 27/11/2007 11:57

Chances are he won't be put off for as long as you might hope ...let's just rememebr that you are the one squeezing out a pudding from a piehole

VictorianSqualor · 27/11/2007 12:08

I was at a friends birth and we had known all along I would be her birthing partner, we had also agreed there was no way I was going to watch it come out 'down there'!

When it came to it, she was pushing and they said they could see the head, she was holding my hand and asked me 'Can you see him'?? So, still holding her hand, I looked (at this time I was pretty desperate to see what was going on tbh!)

I watched him be born, crying my eyes out, and it honestly felt like it was just me and her there, she was doing as the midwives told her but looking at me, I don't think I've ever felt that needed or connected to anyone ever (with the exception of my own children)it was amazing.

Having spoken about it lots afterwards, I can honestly say I not once thought about it being her vagina, not for a second, anymore than I ever associated my bump with my baby when I had my own.

She told me that being able to fix on my face, the look when I could see him, was what gave her the strength to push, for those reasons, I would encourage him to watch, but even if you don't want him to now, you may change your mind when it actually happens.

Spidermama · 27/11/2007 13:32

Awwww VS what an amazing experience.

tibsy · 27/11/2007 13:46

victorian, thats just lovely

my dp has watched both our dc being born. i was lay on my side having ds, with my leg up on dps shoulder. he got a real birds eye view
with dd, he was stood at the end of the settee watching, as the 2 midwives were beside me and there was no room for him it was lovely tho, as when her 'little' head came out, the midwife encouraged me to look down and touch her head. then dp and i just looked at each other, both with tears in our eyes. [mushy emoticon!]

TrinityRhino · 27/11/2007 13:48

dh watched it all 'down there' with both dd2 and 3 and said it was amazing and he was so proud of me.

not sure it matters whether they do or not and I must say that the midwives were saying its not alot of men that do watch it down there and don't faint.

I guess it's really up to how your dh feels about it.

claireybraxtonhicks · 27/11/2007 14:25

I wasn't sure I even wanted DH there to begin with and he didn't think he would want to cut the cord etc. At first he just sat across the room looking awkward. The mw then told him to rub my back for me and he started to get involved-he felt dd's head as it crowned then was watching it all happen. Then the mw asked him if he wanted to deliver dd and he jumped at the chance-he guided her out and caught her and said it was just amazing. Like others have said he was so involved in it all that he didn't think of it being disgusting or even as being my vagina-it was all about dd rather than me

georgiemama · 27/11/2007 14:36

DH wasn't even there. I had my mum and it was gorgeous. And I can honestly say neither of us has a moments regret about him not being there - he came to the delivery suite about 15 minutes after DS was born and held him. Midwife was a love - to let DH know his son and heir had arrived she phoned him up and just held the phone to DS who was screaming his head off!

Prunie · 27/11/2007 14:39

If you are upright and being physically supported by your dp, he won't get a chance to have a look!
DH wasn't that bothered. In the event, I gave birth leaning on him, and it would have been a bit off to extract himself to get down on the floor to see what my vagina was doing.

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