DD(3) worried about me giving birth

[2ndbabyanxiety]

Hi all, new poster here and wondering if you could help as I don’t know what else to try.
My dd(3.8) is terrified of me giving birth. She usually goes to bed like a dream but has been up the last 2 hours saying she doesn’t want me to go anywhere, is worried that I’m going to be ill and she will miss me. I know anxiety about any change is normal at this age but I didn’t expect her to be like this. She is otherwise really excited about her new sibling and has been very involved in preparing for their arrival etc.
I have been very anxious myself as I know someone who passed away shortly after birth last year, and maybe dd has picked up on this - as careful as we have been not to discuss things in front of her.
Her and DP dropped me off for a scan at the hospital and she was inconsolable the whole time, so guessing she has made the link between me going to hospital and being ill...
I have of course reassured her LOTS. Have promised her I won’t get ill. But I’m finding this difficult as stupid as it sounds, I am terrified I will die and leave her behind. I am booked for a section as dd was breech and therefore elective. I have toyed with the decision of this or vbac for weeks, because either way I think either myself or my baby will die. I am have found my midwife and consultants very dismissive when I try and discuss my fears.
I am due next week and it is all a bit much. I’m so worried my dd will cry the whole time I’m away. I will be on my own on the ward... I am just dreading it. I can’t sleep and am constantly on the verge of tears. I don’t want anyone asking me questions about the birth or saying how exciting it is..when I don’t feel this way.
How can I reassure dd? Has anyone been in this scenario and found something that helped? We bought a book explaining things in the hope it would help, but it hasn’t. Please help

You need to get support and treatment for your own anxiety. Ask for a referral to the perinatal mental health team, or pay to see someone privately if you have funds.

Your DD's anxiety is a reflection of yours, and isn't going to get better until yours is addressed and managed.

Your anxiety is the issue. Tiny children don’t worry about these things of their own accord, they are far too inconsequential and distracted.

You’re putting ideas in her mind. What she needed was simply mummy is having a baby. She’ll have to go to hospital for day so the doctors can check the baby is OK. Do you want a biscuit?

I actually think it’s quite cruel to place so much of your anxiety on a little one.

As Buffy said above. You need to get some counselling for you both (but primarily you).

You can't hide your anxiety from her and trying to do so will reduce her trust in what you say

Op is clearly suffering severe anxiety because she knew someone who died of childbirth complications. Give her a break.

Op, I do agree that you’re probably inadvertently passing on your own anxiety to her. I wouldn’t discuss anything to do much with the birth from now on. If she asks then use some kind of relatable fantasy story to give her a different picture of what’s going to happen, e.g., “mummy is going to hospital where a magic fairy doctor will use her beautiful want to help the baby out of mummy’s tummy”. You need to create a nice picture to replace the horrible one she has in her mind. Covid probably hasn’t helped with any of this as she probably now associates hospitals with death and Covid-19.

I’m a bit upset about the ‘cruel’ comment. I haven’t gone into detail about what happens at birth or put anything on her, but I don’t believe in lying to children either. She is very clever and intuitive for her age and asks a lot of questions. I read a thread on here about how to explain to young children how babies come out when asked, and the general consensus was to be honest about it in very simple terms, rather than talking about magical fairies etc. Maybe I have done wrong, I don’t know. But all I’m asking is what I can do now to reassure her. I have tried to make it exciting. Her daddy works in the the hospital and she knows he makes people better so that’s how she has made that connection.
Yes losing my colleague has affected me much more than I realised, and it has crept up on me now. I was referred to the perinatal mental health team at 20 weeks. It took a long time as my midwife didn’t do it when she said she was going to. She hasn’t been very good generally. I also referred myself to NHS services and was offered group CBT.

Meant to say that they rejected my referral to the PMHT due to ‘staffing’ as my midwife put it. Great.

Have you taken up those referrals? Are you practising the CBT? If it hasn't come through, then if you have the funds you should consider going private at this stage.

There's not much you can do to reassure your child when she will clearly know you are still terrified. It's your fear she's feeling, not her own, and anything you do to try and reassure her at this stage is going to come across as a lie if you don't address your own fear.

You could perhaps explain that hospitals ar very big places and people go there for all sorts of reasons, not just when they are ill.

You could say something like yes some people go when they are poorly and doctors make them better. But some people go for different reasons, like perhaps they can't walk very well and the doctors can give them an operation to make their legs work better. Some people go to hospital for tests to keep them healthy or check they are healthy. And there is a special part of hospital where mummies go when they are having a baby. It's not because they are ill, it's just to make sure that they are OK because babies are so small when they are first born. It's a different part of the hospital and doctors don't work there but ladies called midwives. (I know some of this isn't strictly true but just to put it into a non scary context for her).

I'm sure there will be child friendly programmes showing how babies are born in hospital. Chad Valley books "waiting for baby" is pretty good as well.

@BuffySummersReportingforSanity no as one was rejected. I didn’t feel the group (virtual) class was sufficient for my needs. It was also in work time - I am a nurse and couldn’t free up the time to attend.
That’s a good idea @BertieBotts thank you. She seems better today so maybe she was just having a moment last night. We are not mentioning it unless she brings it up now. I’ve just done some of my hypnobirthing class in the bath and feel calmer too.

Hi op sorry this is such a difficult time
I was very anxious when having my youngest due to previous birth trauma.
My oldest DC had picked up on this, so I watched some episodes of One Born Every Minute with her. This may not be suitable for your LO, but maybe you can find a clip of something similar to show her? A book might not be 'real' enough for her as she's so young and she wouldn't be able to apply the concepts to you.
I emphasised that the hospital has kind nurses and doctors who will take good care of mummy and help her have the baby.
That it's a nice job and people will be happy to care for mummy and welcome her sibling into the world.
Pick the outfit she can wear when she comes to see you and baby etc.