Phobia of childbirth - mum almost died

[IHaveNightmares]

Exactly that. I have a phobia of childbirth. My mum came very close to dying during childbirth. I am also terrified of cesareans because you have to be awake! I have a small frame too, which only makes me more scared! I’ve had nightmares in the past.

I really want a child though is there anyone who had a phobia of childbirth and found ways to overcome it?

Sorry your mum had such a terrible experience. I don’t have a reason like this behind it but have had an overwhelming fear of birth all of my life. I think due to this I didn’t really ever have that urge to want a baby the same way most people do. Even knowing I didn’t plan to do it anytime soon, I still spent hours and hours on youtube, Googling etc just listening to stories about people who have given birth naturally and people who have had sections. We would go a lovely holiday and I would lie at the pool on the wifi scaring myself to death watching videos about it 🤦🏼‍♀️ I don’t know why and when I explain it to other people they kind of fob it off like yeah everyone’s a bit scared before they do it, but mine isn’t like that, it’s way beyond it. Something came over me last year and I had that feeling that I did really want a baby! Before I even considered it I went on birth rights and looked into how I could get a section at my local hospital, it turned out I could and many people before me had. So I decided to try for a baby. The second I found out I was pregnant I was initially relieved that I could have children but I straight away went into panic mode about how I was going to get this baby out at the end! I told my story to the midwife at 6 weeks and she explained I would be able to have a section but it would be dealt with nearer the time. I then brought it up at every appointment after that until I was referred to a consultant at 29 weeks. The consultant could hear that I was so worked up even telling her my reasons and knew this level of anxiety had been affecting my daily life so approved it. I’m booking it in this week and I feel sooo much better knowing (as long as I make it to then) I’m having one! There are two options of anaesthesia they can use though, the spinal or general so you could go to sleep during it. I actually feel less worried now there’s a baby inside me than I did for most of my life just worrying how awful this whole thing was going to be 😂 I thought being pregnant would be terrible as well and had heard so much complaining from pregnant people about it but I haven’t found it bad in the slightest and I’m almost at the end! Haven’t had a single sore back for even a second and I imagined everyone just went about so uncomfortable the whole time but I haven’t been at all. Do you think you’re aiming for a section under a general or a natural birth with epidural etc? I would say do it, if I can literally anyone can 🙈

Thank you so much for replying! I didn’t know women could be put under general anaesthetic for c-sections. The idea of feeling the procedure is equally as scary as giving birth vaginally! I’ve woken in the night hyperventilating because I’ve had a nightmare! Thanks for sharing your experience and not being the typical “oh women are built for this. We shouldn’t take any painkillers etc.” I’m glad your consultant has put you at ease!

Hi OP. I think fear of birth is called tokophobia. It's not uncommon. If you want a baby you will need really good support in place so just be very firm and push for whatever you need.

Given your background I'm not surprised to hear you feel this way.

I also have a petite frame and was fairly anxious, although not phobic, and have managed it twice.

There is help out there for this. Good luck!

@IHaveNightmares yeah if you think you’d not be able to cope being awake I’m sure they do put you under. If the spinal doesn’t work they put you under anyway. I’m not really looking forward to being awake during it but although I thought the spinal and cannula in my hand would be awful I actually don’t think they’re meant to be bad. I don’t want the drapes lowered or anything to see him though in case I see what’s going on, going to ask them just to lift him over or bring him round it 🙈 I don’t think id love waking up after a general though. I’ve never been in hospital or had an operation so I don’t even know what that would be like. I had nightmares during the time when I was waiting to speak to the consultant but I feel so much better knowing she’s been supportive about it. You can go and speak to your gp and they might be able to refer you to the birth reflections service at your hospital if they have one. It’s usually run by a lead midwife who would be able to give you information before you even thought about getting pregnant. That might help relax you. It’s bad that in this day and age women still feel this pressure (and some of it actually comes from other women). I avoid mentioning it to anyone other than my close friends (who have always known I wouldn’t consider any other type of birth) but I think I’m going to wait until he’s here to tell most people it was a section and maybe even lie about a reason if I can’t be bothered discussing it

www.birthrights.org.uk/campaigns-research/maternal-request-caesarean/

This is the link to check what your hospital responded to the freedom of information request if you haven’t seen it already

A couple of thoughts about anaesthetics for sections (from an anaesthetist)…If you were to chose a planned section it is usually possible to see an anaesthetist in clinic ahead of the planned date to chat about your concerns and to understand more about the balance of risks and benefits with spinal/GA for you. There are generally good medical reasons for avoiding a GA for sections and it may be that understanding those better might help you feel more reassured about staying awake. Hope that helps.

I was super scared of giving birth, hospitals, needles etc. I did hypno birthing it helped so much. It wasn't pain free, I was induced at 40 weeks, had pethidine. Second baby homebirth-9lb baby-this one was pain free. I'm a size 8. I read the Marie Morgan hypno birthing book before I got pregnant, its American and some things made me roll my eyes, but honestly it helped so much.

Would you consider trying hypnotherapy? I had it for a very severe phobia of vomiting and my therapist said she sees lots of women who want to overcome phobias before getting pregnant.

It didn’t work for me unfortunately but I’ve heard lots of positive stories.

@sarah13xx @IdblowJonSnow thank you for sharing your stories! I will check out those links.

@Greybeardy I am scared I’ll be given too much or too little anaesthetic!

@FizzyPink @Toasty280 I’ve heard of hypnotherapy, but I haven’t looked into it. Maybe I should!

It might be helpful to find out what exactly happened with your mum - if anyone involved is willing to talk about it. Even if you just know what the condition was called that led to her nearly dying.

You can then find out about how this issue is managed today. It may be that things have moved on, or that because there is a family history you would be given a very close monitoring and they would make sure that the same thing didn't happen again. It may help to know what safeguards could possibly be put in place for you.

Ideally you'd speak to a midwife or obstetrician about this, but I imagine NHS midwives don't do appointments for this kind of thing if you're not pregnant as their workload is too high. But you could likely hire a Doula or independent midwife to talk to about your worries, your mum's experience and how this kind of thing would normally be managed. I'd look into contacting some local doulas/IMs and see how much they would charge for their time for a session like this. Someone like a childbirth educator might be a good idea to look at as well - like for example you could look at your local branch of NCT (they run childbirth classes) and see if you could book someone for a one to one discussion.

If this is not an option or you just want to do your own research there are loads of good resources about birth online. I like evidence based birth. I've also been enjoying Sarah Lavonne on youtube recently.

@BertieBotts she was in labour for days and lost loads and loads of blood. That’s why she nearly died. The birth was really traumatic. She was in her early 20s and I’m in my 20s so it wasn’t that long ago. I doubt procedures have changed much. You are right. I should probably speak to a specialist about my worries! Thank you.

I had a general mid section for medical reasons and wish I hasnt needed it. I felt so drowsy and ill for hours and don't remember feeding my son for the first time or any of his first few hours.

Yes I've had a section under GA and can't really remember DS1s first few hours at all, i think it took longer to feel bonded too. DS3 was a CS too, with a spinal, by i dont recall feeling any rummaging about.

I’ll start my comment by saying I’ve not read any of the other comments, and I’ve skim read through some of your posts - I hope this is okay but I want to avoid being triggered myself. This all being said, I saw the title and couldn’t read and run.

Your position is very similar to mine - I’m terrified of giving birth, and it stems from my Mum’s experience of giving birth to me. She had severe pre-eclampsia and we were both extremely poorly. At the same time, I still really wanted to start a family and become a Mum but have always had a fear that me or my baby will become poorly or die when I give birth.

I’m now 29 weeks pregnant, and receiving therapy for something called tokophobia - literally the fear of giving birth. I didn’t even know it was a thing! This is being done through the maternal mental health team, a team that literally specialises in fear of birth or previous loss.

I got referred at 9 weeks during my booking appt, and since then have been having weekly/bi-weekly sessions alongside doing a hypnobirthing and antenatal classes (which they have encouraged). They are helping me write a psychological birth plan alongside a physiological birth plan, as well as bringing together a team of midwives and obstetricians to answer all my questions and help me plan for the ‘safest’ birth I can imagine.

Amazingly I’m now at a point where I am planning to attempt a natural birth, which pre-pregnancy was never an option, I literally would have laughed in your face! At the same time, I have agreed ‘red lines’ whereby if a certain scenario happens, it would go to Plan B/C etc, and generally would become a planned C-section.

My understanding is this service is brand new and being set up nationwide, and is also available pre-conception - I’d recommend speaking with your GP and asking for a referral and they should be able to support you, it wouldn’t be too early! It’s been life changing for me, and I know it would be for you too.

Happy to answer any questions if you would find it helpful, people really don’t speak about this enough, or worse, when it is spoken about, others minimise and just say it’s fine and it’s not a thing..

@Sparrow91 👏🏼 Well done for getting this far, that’s a huge step! I’m in your boat but have opted for the section and I declined a referal to this service because I thought it would stress me out more if people were trying to change my mind. It sounds like it’s been a positive experience for you though. I’m glad services like this are eventually being set up. A lot of people don’t understand the difference between a phobia of birth and the normal level of fear most people probably feel before it. I’ve tried not to enter into conversations about it since being pregnant because I can’t be bothered having to justify my own fears to people who don’t understand them. I mentioned it to one person at work, who was asking about the birth, and she said ‘awww why? I was like that too but you’ll miss out if you don’t do it naturally’. These people are well-meaning but have no clue how much impact a simple comment like that can have when it’s already all you think about. I’ve chosen to hide the fact I’m having a section from pretty much everyone apart from my own parents now, so my husbands parents don’t even know and I’m not telling them til after. No one needs to know your personal information of exactly how you gave birth, why and what happened. Hoping just to say I had an elective section, medical reasons, was a positive experience, no further comments 🙃

You would be surprised how much has changed even just in 20 years. For example it is much easier to request a c-section now, and the stillbirth rate has massively reduced - it used to be one of the highest in Europe in the late 90s. They were forced to look at things and see what could be changed. The outcomes have been better for mums as well as babies. Some people do still end up in labour for several days but if this is a specific fear of yours there are definitely things which can be done. Induction methods to speed things up or moving to a section after a certain amount of time.

[quote sarah13xx]@Sparrow91 👏🏼 Well done for getting this far, that’s a huge step! I’m in your boat but have opted for the section and I declined a referal to this service because I thought it would stress me out more if people were trying to change my mind. It sounds like it’s been a positive experience for you though. I’m glad services like this are eventually being set up. A lot of people don’t understand the difference between a phobia of birth and the normal level of fear most people probably feel before it. I’ve tried not to enter into conversations about it since being pregnant because I can’t be bothered having to justify my own fears to people who don’t understand them. I mentioned it to one person at work, who was asking about the birth, and she said ‘awww why? I was like that too but you’ll miss out if you don’t do it naturally’. These people are well-meaning but have no clue how much impact a simple comment like that can have when it’s already all you think about. I’ve chosen to hide the fact I’m having a section from pretty much everyone apart from my own parents now, so my husbands parents don’t even know and I’m not telling them til after. No one needs to know your personal information of exactly how you gave birth, why and what happened. Hoping just to say I had an elective section, medical reasons, was a positive experience, no further comments 🙃[/quote]
Thank you! It hasn’t been an easy road but I’m glad I’ve done it. There was a point early in the pregnancy where I really wasn’t sure I could go ahead with the pregnancy, and that’s when I realised I owe it to my baby to admit how I was feeling and get a plan together - never ever thought I’d be where I am now. I’m still scared, but I feel like it’s getting more and more manageable.

I too was scared about the judgement from the mental health team but actually they just said they aren’t here to judge, but to support and anything they can do to help they will do - even so far as writing to the obstetrician to support the need for a planned section if I want it, and saying this shouldn’t be questioned if/when I ask for it. It’s been very different to what I expected - I almost expected them to try and ‘cure’ me and be combative at every step, but the reality is everything is done to make me feel comfortable.

Oh the misinformation and misinterpretation from people is insane. Even friends and family saying you’ll be fine, it’s normal to be scared etc etc. Oh, and by the way I had a tear/pre-eclampsia/diabetes etc.

No, no it’s not normal to be scared that you’re going to die, or have panic attacks at the thought of being in labour. I hate this kind of expectation that your personal and medical info is free for all to know, especially in relation to your pregnancy and birth. It’s not on and drives me mad - it’s been one of the things I’ve spoken about a lot in the last few weeks after a lot of judgement from my partner’s family.

My psychologist has suggested writing a script to answer some questions/give info as needed - so for me my go-to is ‘I’m going to have a natural birth but will be monitored closely due to some health issues’. I’ve also got ‘layers’ agreed with my partner of who will know what and when - so if I do go c-section only he and my parents will know (layer 1), his family will not get any updates during labour and will not give any details on birth itself other then ‘Sparrow and Baby are safe and well’ etc (layer 3). And he is under strict instructions not to deviate (can you tell his family have been the bulk of the judgement problem 😂).

You won’t miss out if it’s natural or not! Just like you won’t miss out if you have a child or not. You are in control of your body and your decisions! At the end of the day you do what is right for you 🤦🏼‍♀️

@Sparrow91 yeah definitely! I think hormones seem to help the closer you get to birth. I’m only 6/7 weeks away now so could technically go into labour early at any time and the thought of being in this situation this time last year would have caused a panic attack. I would have sat in the hospital car park crying I think 😂 For some reason I feel quite chilled about it and the fact I will make it to the date and there won’t be any big dramas. Every time I hear someone’s dramatic birth story now I kind of think ‘oh that’s a shame, mine wont be like that’ 😂 I don’t know why I’m so certain though. My friend was supposed to get a section (for medical reasons) and went into labour early. She did end up getting the section but was very very close to giving birth naturally. She said the pains were nowhere near what she imagined and all she’d taken was paracetamol. Clearly just depends on you/baby/baby’s position etc!

I’m definitely in that boat too 😂 My mother in law is the main source of judgement for me. She has no life of her own and no filter so just gives a running commentary of everyone else’s lives. Tells you how she doesn’t like people’s baby names etc. She is OBSESSED with people’s private medical information too and we’ll be out for dinner with her or something and she’ll be giving us so and so’s test results from the hospital who stays 3 doors up from her 🤔 I just stay silent but think why would we want or need to know this information?! We went for a scan earlier on while I was pregnant and it wasn’t the best news really because they couldn’t do a lot of the checks on the heart etc due to the way baby was lying. Obviously we were a bit worried about this and I didn’t go sharing this with all my friends. We then saw his mum a few weeks later and she’s telling us how she was telling a random woman in asda about my scan and it turned out to be one of my friends 🤔 I thought why on earth would you be telling people that? And how many other people have you told for you to accidentally come across my friend?!🙈 I told my husband at that point we tell her nothing else! Everything did turn out to be fine and I’ve had extra scans the whole way through due to a low placenta (which might have ended up needing a section anyway - has moved slightly now), but we haven’t told her about any of it. When she asks how I am I reply ‘fine’ and shut down any further conversation. She hasn’t yet asked how I plan to give birth or how I’m feeding the baby etc but I guarantee the next time I see her she’ll have all these questions ready. I’m just going to be extremely vague and say things like ‘oh we’ll see’, ‘we’ll worry about that later’, ‘haven’t thought about it to be honest’.

The layers idea sounds brilliant! Our hospital is quite strict with covid restrictions so my partner will have to leave as soon as I leave recovery and won’t get to come to the ward. So I’m already thinking we’re going to have to tell them he’s arrived really quickly. I almost wanted to delay it as much as possible to minimise the chance of her turning up at our house when we get home etc 🤦🏼‍♀️ She is literally the last person I’d want to see if I was trying to hobble in to my house and go to my bed! She’ll just forward any information on to her group chat with distant family members my husband hasn’t seen since he was a child. She is not sending pictures of the baby/me on there! 🙈 I don’t know what it is about being pregnant that people suddenly ask you intrusive questions like it’s completely fine. Ive had people commenting on my bump, sooo glad I work from home now as before that it was every second person at work making a comment every time I walked in a room. It’s like they think you want them to say something 😂 I can imagine it only gets worse when the baby arrives and everyone you see probably asks about the birth. I’ve never asked anyone anything like that! If someone was in for a vagina related procedure at the hospital for anything other than a baby coming out no one would say a word and they certainly wouldn’t ask about your recovery 🤣 it’s bizarre!

Why does having a small frame worry you? Genuinely curious- is it supposed to make things more difficult?
My tiny weeny mum has always been under 5ft and breathed 4 ginormous babies into the world with no problems and no pain relief whatsoever. My brother was the smallest of us at 9lb 10, my little sis was 10lb 7! I'm 5ft 1 and size 8, my 3 were a breeze too all born at home.

I do think it'd help you to talk to a specialist though about your fears and so that you get the proper support that is right for you; otherwise you will get assumptions that this is just a "normal anxiety about childbirth" which is probably not going to generate helpful responses at all for you. I understand that a phobia of childbirth is a real thing, more common than people are aware of and if this is the case for you it must be very frightening.