Birth trauma

[ginandgingers92]

Hi all,

Just wondering, for those who experienced birth and/or pregnancy trauma, what did you find most helpful in dealing with it?
I'be had a debrief with the hospital, and am currently doing CBT but over a year on still very plagued by my entire experience, to the point where I find it hard to be around pregnant women/friends.

Any advice would be wonderful x

Did you give birth during the pandemic by any chance? I’ve experienced the same feeling, I feel really upset if someone tells me they’re pregnant and I can’t watch any tv programme that features it, which is more than you think. I’ve only just started on the CBT route.

Did your pregnancy/birth have a happy ending and resulting in a healthy baby? X

I got diagnosed with ptsd 2 years after giving birth. I had private counselling, and it did help, just talking it through with someone who listened, and agreed that what happened to me was not acceptable. It reduced the flashbacks and intrusive thoughts to near zero in a few seconds, but I still suffer with panic attacks. I can't really afford more private therapy, so I'll keep working through it on my own, but it definitely helped me. I've heard that EMDR can be really beneficial, and available on the NHS, so that might be worth a shot.

And by the way, yes, I had a healthy baby @andivfmakes3 though not sure how that's relevant, that's quite a triggering question that can result in women with trauma feeling they should bottle it up and that they are somehow unjustified in being traumatised.

Ps, my trauma was a mix of birth and pregnancy related, and I find it tough to be around pregnant women. It's so hard to see "normal" pregnancies!

Honestly for me the most helpful thing was time now nearly 8 years on I tend not to think about it have nightmares etc unless I hear of a similar birth story which is rare anyway as it's not really talked about. You've got to find the thing that works for you, but for me time was the biggest healer.

@andivfmakes3 Just so you're aware for next time, that's one of the list of really unhelpful comments to make to a woman who has experienced birth trauma.

Am I pleased I had a healthy baby - yes.
I am aware that that is a privilege - yes.
Does it heal the trauma I experienced and the life long injuries I've been left with - no.

Women are not just vessels for babies. I am my own person, and my baby and my delivery experience are two quite separate things.

To answer the OP, time and distance was the best healer for me. My DS is now 3.5. I no longer get nightmares, and I rarely get flashbacks. But I don't watch deliveries on tv, and a mean part of me is still jealous when I hear about a good delivery, despite the fact that I would never wish my experience on anyone.

Work on your CBT. Really practice and engage with it. And give yourself time.

@Friendlyghostmama

I only asked because I do think it's relevant 🤷‍♀️

I'm hardly to reply about how I dealt with my own traumatic pregnancy and labour if it includes feeling incredibly grateful that we all survived if someone's experience includes a stillbirth?!

(I had a traumatic birth myself where me and my twins nearly died - my husband didnt make the c section it was that much of an emergency - I was told to leave a message for my husband telling him that I loved him as they didn't think we'd make it)

And so yes knowing if there was a happy ending is important to how someone might advise someone else of coping mechanisms. I wouldn't even begin to offer any advice to someone Whose experienced ended in tragedy

I found the Birth Trauma Association on Facebook very helpful.

I didn’t find mumsnet or any standard mums groups helpful. People don’t want you to mention your trauma as it may ‘scare’ other women and most people see to think women should not complain about substandard and negligent medical treatment. I plucked up the courage to post my experience on mumsnet and I was told that my experience was ‘fairly standard’ and they didn’t think anything was wrong with my birth experience. This is the standard response when you try to tell someone about your birth trauma. There is very much the attitude that women shouldn’t complain about substandard treatment as having a baby at the end of it makes up for everything and was repeatedly told I should forget about my trauma and get over it.

I had a debrief at the hospital which I found fairly helpful although I was raised more concerns about my treatment at the hospital. I applied to see my medical notes to try to understand what happened to me and why. I did find this helpful however it was painful for me to read them. It didn’t provide me with the answers as to what happened to me however, it was clear that the hospital had not followed its own polices or NICE guideline. I complained to the hospital and received an apology in writing. At that point I broke down because someone had actually acknowledged to me that what happened to me was not acceptable.

After my debrief I was referred to a counsellor. Whilst she was lovely it was obvious that she didn’t specialise in birth trauma. It fact it appeared she was the person who spoke to women who wanted a maternal request c-section. I was then referred to my local MH trust where I was assessed for depression. They concluded I wasn’t depressed and then promptly discharged me offer no other help or advice.

I just gave birth for the second time after a really horrific experience a year ago. I wish I had therapy to be honest and had planned it but Covid got in the way a bit as I was wary going throughout the pregnancy (high risk before I even got pregnant which added a layer to it. Over all I got on well as I had a debrief and complaint put in and so this time they had made an effort that it went more smoothly and I wasn’t neglected as I was in their care before. I will say, the birth went fairly well but a student nurse quizzed me about my last Labour during this one and as i hadn’t really dealt with my issues from the last one it really upset me and I started crying as talking about it during Labour totally freaked me out. Also a big group of doctors on rounds came in but in the last Labour a load came in to save me and the baby when things got bad and so them all piling in set me off into a total panic even though they were not in for an emergency. I feel if I had had some therapy My emotions would have been better controlled. Also my hospital keeps a rainbow book for staff to know about previous traumatic births to try make this time better, might be worth asking if your hospital has one too if you need it! I definitely got through it though and it didn’t impact my bond with the new baby. I just wish I had been more prepared Even to say I can’t talk about that now rather than trying to explain what happened!

Hi, yes I gave birth to my second in feb 2020, so just before first lockdown. From 16 weeks my pregnancy was awful, and my birth and recovery in hospital was horrendous.

I do agree with the comment that 'happy healthy baby' is not helpful.
FWIW, my daughter is not 100% healthy, but even if she was, I don't think it's always possible to ignore experiences and be grateful, although we might try really hard

I think sometimes it’s a double edge sword.
Your traumatised over a traumatic pregnancy / delivery which makes you kinda hate yourself a bit because you know you should be grateful & happy (and you are) that such a wonderful thing has happened. And you know your lucky - there’s people who would swap places in a second …. But your so consumed with the trauma of what happened it over shadows all of that.
If that makes sense?!

Sorry you're going through this OP.

Mine was 3.5 years ago and I had a healthy baby. However I had a lot of flashbacks, weird anniversary feelings (baby born on Thursday and so every Thursday I'd find especially difficult). I had CBT and was referred for a course with a clinical psychologist at the hospital I gave birth at. These were very helpful.

To be honest, I still find others' straightforward birth stories difficult to hear and feel a sense of jealousy. I felt like I was a failure.

I think it needs professional intervention. I had a few bad conversations with family/friends who just couldn't understand.

I'm now pregnant with number 2. I was unsure for about two years about whether I could have another and risk the same kind of feelings. I have to be honest and say I am finding it challenging to be back in the hospital where I had my first baby.

Good luck

@andivfmakes3

I understand what you were trying to ask, but you asked it in totally the wrong way

@ginandgingers92

Hi, yes I gave birth to my second in feb 2020, so just before first lockdown. From 16 weeks my pregnancy was awful, and my birth and recovery in hospital was horrendous.

I do agree with the comment that 'happy healthy baby' is not helpful.
FWIW, my daughter is not 100% healthy, but even if she was, I don't think it's always possible to ignore experiences and be grateful, although we might try really hard

How you feel about your baby and how you feel about the pregnancy/ birth are two totally different things. I absolutely adored my baby, there was never any doubt. But I struggled for a long time to come to terms with my birth experience. This was 36 years ago, and I still find seeing very heavily pregnant women brings a tear to my eye with the hope they don’t go through what I did. Continue with your therapy, it will help. As corny as it sounds, time will also help. You will wake up one day and realise you’ve not thought about it for a while. However, if you find the thoughts and feelings are becoming more intrusive, please go back to your GP. X

The thing that helped me the most was quite unexpected. I found most health professionals totally useless. I found GPs couldn’t give a shit. I was just another traumatised postnatal woman and they’ve only got 10 minutes. I also found that maternity and gynaecology couldn’t give a shit - their job is to drag the baby out of you, try to stitch up the mess they’ve made and move on. I had to fight for help for major postnatal physical problems, and as for mental - I asked repeatedly for a referral to counselling and they agreed but it never materialised.

I don’t know whether this would be appropriate in your situation but the only person who helped me was a really kind NHS postnatal pelvic physiotherapist. She was only supposed to help me physically but she really helped me mentally too. She was the only HCP I ever saw who took the time to understand what had happened and really acknowledged how it had affected me mentally and physically. I remember bursting into tears at our first appointment when she said ‘I’ve read your notes and you had a really terrible time, didn’t you?’ because it was the first time anyone had ever a) read my notes before meeting me (instead of me having to tell the whole awful story again) and b) acknowledged how horrendous it had been. She also helped me reclaim my body and feel like it was my own again if that makes any sense.

Time has also helped a lot. Best of luck OP. I really feel for you. X

Hi @ginandgingers92 I'm sorry you had this experience. I also had a very difficult first birth, leaving me with intense feelings of failure. That, along with a complete nightmare regarding breastfeeding (that's a whole other story...) led to PND and PTSD.

I'm now pregnant with dc2 and I'm not going to lie, I cried throughout my last midwife appointment at the thought of giving birth again. I am seeing a consultant about the possibility of an ELCS (had forceps last time) but I am open to trying a vaginal birth again, but I'm going to do what's right for me.

Have I 'got over' the first birth? If I'm honest, I don't think I'm every going to look back on it with pure joy, but time has been a great healer. It is a little less raw than it used to be. Things that helped - therapy, antidepressants for a while, and also just being honest with myself. Not trying to beat myself up with the whole 'I have a healthy baby I should be grateful' line. I was grateful for my healthy baby. I wasn't very grateful for my horrible birth experience. They're two different things.

I have been on the Facebook Birth trauma group but I left after a while because I just found it a bit depressing after a while. For me, there came a time where I just had to move on, for my own sake. I've actually found this forum very helpful. A few realisations that have really helped: birth isn't a game of chess, or a puzzle to solve. It's not the case that if you move to that square then this square then that square then hey presto you have a wonderful, empowering, positive, powerful all natural water birth or whatever rubbish hynobirthing companies try to sell to us. It's more like getting on a ship to cross the ocean. Some people get an easy ride, some get a rough ride. Not much you can do about it, but thank goodness we live in an age of modern medicine.

The other realisation was that without forceps or monitoring or induction, my baby might have been very very unwell. It's not a nice thought I know, but that helped me kind of rationalise it.

Do I feel jealousy when I hear people talk about their straightforward births? Yes of course I do. But the thing is, unless you've had a difficult birth, you don't understand. That's not a criticism of anyone, it's just a fact. A bit like if you found breastfeeding fairly easy, you don't understand. My dc1 was a great sleeper from pretty early on. I cannot imagine what it's like to have a bad sleeper, and I think my other experiences have made me sensitive to this.

Anyway, I hope this helps. It's tough, and women are sold a load of rubbish via instagram/influencers etc about birth.