What to tell people - ELCS

[CassidyB]

I'm booked in for an ELCS later this year due to MH reasons - primary tokophobia stemming from a severe sexual assault and emetophobia. This has been advised by the perinatal mental health team and consultant as the safest option for me and baby and booked in early to help ease my anxiety.

My DH knows the reasons and is fully supportive as is my mum. Trouble is, I'm not sure what to tell people, particularly friends and family. For example, my DH's family are likely to want to know all the details and won't be ashamed to press for answers. They're also not always the most understanding about MH. I know that talking about my reasons will make me feel uncomfortable and also very down as it's taken a lot to get to a point where I'm not associating the birth with my past trauma every day and I really don't want it to affect the way I feel about my elcs birth experience and little bundle of joy I'm so looking forward to meeting.

I'm sure if I say 'my consultant has recommended it for medical reasons' the most likely response will be 'why?' and if I say 'I don't want to discuss it any further there will be gossip.

I have thought about brushing it off with a quick white lie like 'baby was undiagnosed breech' or something, but I'm worried A. I might feel guilt and shame about lying about my own birth, especially to close friends and family. B. My baby when he gets older will ask about his birth and I hate the thought of lying to my own son or telling him the truth and that truth getting out to family after telling them a white lie years earlier.

I'm sure I'm way overthinking this but if anyone has been in a similar boat, what did you tell people? Any advice? Would you understand if you found out a relative had fibbed about their baby being breech to hide their private reasons?

I’d go with the breech ‘lie’ if you will be pressured to giving details. You have a medical need for ELCS, breech is a medical need so not much of a lie IMO.
I had an ELCS after an EMCS with my first, my ELCS was lovely, if anyone asked me I jokingly said ‘I am too posh to push’ to some family who I knew were judgmental of ELCS

Also my children are aware they’re c-section babies, they don’t need to know why. I just tell them some babies need to come out of the sunroof and all babies are special no matter how they are born. They accept that and don’t really care why.

@Aquamarine1029

For example, my DH's family are likely to want to know all the details and won't be ashamed to press for answers.

I wouldn't tell them anything early, first of all, and then I would tell them it was because the baby was breech. However, as to the highlighted above, I think you need to have a very direct conversation with your husband that he is responsible for keeping his family's necks tightly wound in. I would be telling him that I expect him to put them firmly in their place should they get too "asky" and intrusive.

I agree with this too. Be very clear to him he needs to shut any intrusive questions down. He needs to have your back.

Honestly I would just wait until baby is born and when asked say “oh we ended up having a c section because it was decided it would be safer tor me and baby”

Any more questions just say “I am just glad baby and me are both safe and well, no need to think about that now”

Don’t tell them. Never here a woman saying oh I’m having a vaginal birth! No one else’s business

I had 3 ELCS my children know how they were born seen the photos. It's not unusual or a big deal to children. Many many women have C-section for all sorts of reasons. Baby position, health problems or a birth going wrong. So no need to worry about what your child will you think. You simply say they came out if your tummy ( children love the rather graphic birth photos) they really don't care why! Mine have never even considered it strange or asked why. I was also born by C-section as my mum was struggling. No big deal! My mum likes to tell her birth story but honestly nobody cares ( she has a small pelvis so was a bit rubbish at natural birth)
I work in a profession well known for having ELCS the usual line is the baby was in the wrong position . Honestly don't over think it just tell the family baby isn't in a good position but actually you are rather relieved and are just going to get on with planning a C-section. Best to be positive about it and openly prepare. Good luck X

I really don’t think it’s anyone else’s business but I am 100% in your boat. Sorry for your past experience ☹️ Luckily mine just stems from nowhere really.. I just cannot and will not push this baby out of me. It’s my number one fear in life and always has been, I’m just sure we’d both probably end up dying and the whole thing would be so traumatic. My own parents etc have always known if I ever had a baby this is how it would happen and I don’t feel ashamed telling my close friends who ask loads of details anyway but I’m the same as you with not wanting to tell his family. After years of worrying how I’d get a section, in the end it’s looking like I’d need one for medical reasons anyway because my placenta is low and he was also breech at the last scan. They kept saying my placenta would most likely move before he was due but it seems to still be low, which I’m relieved about in a way as I can just casually mention after hes born when they ask why ‘oh they’ve said it for months due to the placenta position’ or something.. I’m really not going into any detail at all and feel like I might even try saying ‘oh lots of reasons’ or something first because I can’t be bothered with my medical info being relayed to every person in the town. Seperate from the placenta thing, I had requested the section and I’ve had it approved purely on the basis of my tokophobia so I know it’s happening anyway and don’t really need to worry about the placenta issue but if there’s anyone I don’t want to tell that’s what I’m going to say, even if they tell me it’s moved by my last scan! 🙈 It’s something sooo private and never in any other circumstance would your insides be up for discussion with random members of his family or work colleagues! I tried not to mention how I planned to get him out at work but someone was giving me a lot of advice on labour one day and I thought I can’t listen to this 🙈 so I did say that I’ve always known due to my phobia, there is only one way of me doing it... but I then had to listen to a big speel from this person about how it’s not that bad and I should just do it and I’ll be missing out if I don’t 🤦🏼‍♀️ Its my baby, my body and my birth so is completely my choice. People don’t seem to understand a phobia is so much worse than just the normal level of fear you feel before giving birth naturally!

I’d say lie! Or try not to lie at first then if they keep on at you either say something about baby’s position or the placenta being low. I really don’t think your child will care why they came out that way, you can just say the doctors said that was how they should come out 🤷🏼‍♀️

Say baby is breech. No one will know otherwise unless you tell them.

Privacy is not dishonesty. You're getting the two mixed up, which is not uncommon for trauma survivors.

You are entitled to your privacy. No need for guilt or shame about that.

Privacy is not dishonesty.

Yes @hatcoatscarfalcohol 👏🏼 So true!

Wow, I was not expecting to return to so many replies thank you so much! I really appreciate your responses and it’s already helped just reading through these. It's also really interesting to hear what you’ve chosen to do or say in similar situations.

@PumpkinWitch I’m due in August so I suppose I could say in July or even just wait until after the birth.

@nina3638, yup those are exactly the kind of responses I’m afraid of! It's so good to hear your elcs was a really positive experience. I'm starting to look forward to it in many ways although I am still nervous. Any tips?

I think if it wasn't such a horrible reason behind my decision I’d feel happier about being more open as I’m not ashamed of the c section itself and would never judge someone else for choosing one either, regardless of their reasons.

@M0rT and @hatcoatscarfalcohol you’re completely right, privacy isn't dishonesty and I do seem to struggle with this. I think I felt a lot of guilt that I’d let what happened so long ago affect my pregnancy and birth choice and perhaps some of that is still lingering. And of course the second I think about what I’d say to anyone else in the same situation, I realise I'd never judge anyone as harshly as I do myself. I get asked a lot about my birth plan, opinions thrown left right and centre which I think has made me aware just how nosey people can be. So far when people ask I say I haven't got a particular birth plan I'm just keeping an open mind because I know births often don't go to plan anyway. So I’m hoping I can get around the questions about the elcs in a similar way.

@Sidneysussex It's really reassuring to hear that kids don't care to hear the details either and that it’s not unheard of for people to just say it's the baby’s position even if that’s not necessarily why. At the moment baby is laying in a diagonal position although he’s got plenty of time to move, so I suppose if we do opt to say he was in the wrong position it wouldn't be a total stretch!

@sarah13xx that's awful you had to listen to spiel about natural birth after being so honest about your phobia. I completely agree with you some people seem to have this idea that a phobia means you're just slightly scared of something. That's why I'm so reluctant to just say it's tokophobia because I know there’ll be comments or gossip and I can imagine I'd either get upset or snap if people made ignorant comments without knowing the reasons and I’d rather avoid that! That's interesting you say you've told your friends. I've thought about being more honest about it with my close friends as I’m sure they'd be more understanding but not sure if it’s easier to just tell one blanket thing for everyone (bar my DM and DH). Baby is laying in a diagonal position atm which I’m sure will change but similar to you I might default to that reason for anyone who prys. Hope your elcs goes well x

@CassidyB

from memory the side to side position is called transverse.
and if no change that is actually a totally valid medical reason for an ELSC so not even iota of lie!

the privacy is not deception comment is spot on. it's nobody's bloody business and oh if we could just say that!!

with one of my pg people were obsessed about baby's sex (I hated that) so whenever people asked "is it a boy or a girl/will you find out?" I'd say "well, DS2 is rooting for a crocodile so as long as it's human I'm ok".
😁

for the ELSC itself - with mine I was allowed to take my on music to listen to while in theatre. they said as long as everything is going smoothly they can play the CD - which was great, not only because I was comforted, but because they never switched it off so in a roundabout way I knew everything was ok. that was more reassuring than their words 😉

Yeah definitely, I would never tell someone else how I think they should give birth so I don’t know why some people think everyone should do it vaginally because they did 🤦🏼‍♀️ Yeah that’s true, might be easier just going with the same reason. I’ve made sure to drop it in to my friends about my placenta too though and they’ve obviously never heard of anyone having a section without a medical reason because the last time I saw them they were like so have they actually said you can have it? 🤔 I wouldn’t be discussing it with anyone outwith my close group of friends though and like you I don’t want to discuss it with people like his parents prior to it happening. I’m having a family dinner thing for both sets of parents before he’s here and it’s just how I’m going to get round that without his mum making any comments about labour etc. My mum will be sitting there well aware how uncomfortable I am 🙈 I think it’s definitely best that they don’t know in advance though then they don’t have to discuss with the distant relatives how my baby is getting out and why 🤦🏼‍♀️ Thank you, hope you get yours all sorted and feel relaxed in the lead up to it. I’m getting my date in a few weeks (and other than having to keep it a secret) I think it will really help me relax knowing when it’s happening 😊

I would tell them as little as possible about anything relating to the birth until it's all done and you have had time to.come to terms with things. Wait until the day after the birth at least.
Afterwards the focus shifts to the baby and it will be easier to dodge questions. Plus the last thing you want is them harassing you on the day of your planned section. Your medical details are none of their business and you aren't unreasonable to either say "medical reasons" or lie about position if it makes things easier. People will ask why you had a section but if they ask further questions after you say "medical reasons" they are extremely rude!

I told them that, much like jury service, vaginal births were only for those too stupid to be excused.

As for your child, coming out the sunroof is significantly less ick.

So it seems most of MN have given you their blessing to lie if needed . Wishing you a lovely heeling experience.

I had an ELCS for similar reasons. I fudged a little and told family it was because there was too much fluid (which there was) although that in and of itself isn't a reason for a CS normally. I just shut down any further questions (SIL is a very nosy GP so probably knew I was talking bollocks). My parents were too busy being pleased that it meant that they could plan when to go on holiday safe in the knowledge that they wouldn't be hanging around for baby to ask too many questions.

I wouldn't say anything before & then tell them your labour failed to progress or that baby was back to back. You don't need to justify yourself to anyone. You can even get away with not telling them you have given birth for a day or so. If they keep pressing you just say you don't want to talk about it as it was very distressing or it was too gory to discuss, just mention lots of internal exams & anything you know will make them feel wobbly.

Say you have a bicornate uterus.

They'll either nod understandingly, or say 'oh' and go and Google it.

I was in this situation. I didn’t say anything about having a planned c section and after the birth said it was a c section due to breech. NO one questioned me any further but I don’t have a nosy family!

Re talking to your child about how they were born, when they’re young it doesn’t really matter lots of babies are c-section! But they might want to know more if you have a daughter who gets pregnant herself.

I was born by c-section because I was breach, I do think the reason matters though because if I was a c-section because of failure or progress or pre-eclampsia or something going wrong in the pregnancy I would want to know because it could be likely that my body reacts the same way to birth that my mums did.

Obviously in your case you wouldn’t have to go into detail, just that you had a c-section because you wanted one (it’s more complex than that of course).

Please please don’t worry about this though, those conversations will be 25 years + down the line, I just wanted to chip in because understanding how my mum and to an extent my grandmothers birth stories have been important to me in my own pregnancy and preparing for birth.

You're not over-thinking, but you can dismiss these worries because you absolutely don't have to tell people you are having an ELCS. Most of us obsess quite a lot about what will happen when we give birth, especially as friends, family and colleagues seem to feel a right to know very personal information about our bodies when we are expecting babies, which in other circumstances they wouldn't dream of asking! (Pregnancy is a weird time in a woman's life, I think, like your body becomes a topic of public discussion... although at least with social distancing you won't have random people wanting to touch your belly.)

A little lie is harmless, just say baby turned breech. Or you could say the placenta was lying across the cervix - totally unprovable and absolutely a reason for ELCS as when the normal exit route is blocked, the baby has to be taken out by c-section.

Personally I wouldn't give a second thought to a lie! Maybe that makes me a bad person but I think it's an easy solution to your situation.

And I very much doubt your child will explore deeply why you had a c-section. Just a fact, doesnt need an explanation.

@CassidyB hey, I'm having an elec c section for similar reasons so totally understand, I widely don't mention that I am having a csection, but they people that do know that I don't want to tell my personal reasons, I have just said, the doctor has agreed it's the best option for me. People don't tend to ask further, if they do just say "various reasons" people reallt won't tend to push after that!!! Xx