What to tell people - ELCS

[CassidyB]

I'm booked in for an ELCS later this year due to MH reasons - primary tokophobia stemming from a severe sexual assault and emetophobia. This has been advised by the perinatal mental health team and consultant as the safest option for me and baby and booked in early to help ease my anxiety.

My DH knows the reasons and is fully supportive as is my mum. Trouble is, I'm not sure what to tell people, particularly friends and family. For example, my DH's family are likely to want to know all the details and won't be ashamed to press for answers. They're also not always the most understanding about MH. I know that talking about my reasons will make me feel uncomfortable and also very down as it's taken a lot to get to a point where I'm not associating the birth with my past trauma every day and I really don't want it to affect the way I feel about my elcs birth experience and little bundle of joy I'm so looking forward to meeting.

I'm sure if I say 'my consultant has recommended it for medical reasons' the most likely response will be 'why?' and if I say 'I don't want to discuss it any further there will be gossip.

I have thought about brushing it off with a quick white lie like 'baby was undiagnosed breech' or something, but I'm worried A. I might feel guilt and shame about lying about my own birth, especially to close friends and family. B. My baby when he gets older will ask about his birth and I hate the thought of lying to my own son or telling him the truth and that truth getting out to family after telling them a white lie years earlier.

I'm sure I'm way overthinking this but if anyone has been in a similar boat, what did you tell people? Any advice? Would you understand if you found out a relative had fibbed about their baby being breech to hide their private reasons?

Congratulations.

If people are going to be horrible I would tell them it is due to the baby’s position. When are you due? I would tell them as late as possible.

Lots of women have ELECs for lots of different reasons.

When your child is older they won’t want to hear a very detailed birth story. You can tell them what you like. The nosy Parker’s will have moved on by then and won’t care.

I'm having an elective section following a rough labour resulting in an emergency section which I struggled with.
I'm not telling anyone other than my DH and my mum. It's no one else's concern. I'll simply announce that baby is here - if people ask I'll say oh ended up a section. No more details needed.
I understand its difficult if people push but I'd try not to get drawn into lying. Just say ended up needing a section - best for me best for baby type thing. Good luck, it's tricky when family are nosy!

I'd say it's either breech or say nothing then just say baby came early and ended up requiring a section. Nobody's business but yours!

Hope it all goes well OP.

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

I think you don't need to worry about lying to your child when he grows up. You need to focus now on a healthy stress free pregnancy. Worry about what you tell your son later in life at that time. If telling a white lie gets you there that's all that matters.

Don't tell anyone for the moment. Leave it as late as possible. Then, just say he is breech (he might be, you never know!!) and then leave it at that. If they ask any more questions, say you don't know and you will speak to your consultant about that. Then rinse and repeat.

Or you could say "because I want to" (I'm having a c-section after a difficult free labour and emergency section with my first) I couldn't care less what people think of my decision. It's the right one for me. My consultant agrees. I appreciate that might not be an attitude everyone could take.

Don't tell them your having a c section... I had an emergency one last month and my not so 'D'M told my siblings we'd had the baby when I told her not to specifically as I was looking forward to telling them.

So I've decided next time (if there is one) I'll pretend I'm going natural, but secretly have an ELCS and tell them until I've done the 2-3 days in hospital and then tell my siblings first!

So pretend you're all for natural and then contact them when you're ready after giving birth and just lie saying it was an emergency c section xxx

And not tell them until I've done the 2-3 days

If just say the baby is breech, very common and no one would bat an eye at this answer, short and sweet reason , good luck xx

Just say it's due to the babies position if you don't want to get into it with them. They may try to give you advice in order to get the baby to turn but all you have to say then is that it didn't work. I had a c section due to previous trauma and loss, she was also 'oblique' (diagonal) so I'd of needed one anyway but it was a handy cover if I didn't want to get into the ins and outs of it all with nosey parker's.

I had an elective which was my choice and I felt no shame! But if you want to keep the reasons private then do as others have suggested and say it's due to the baby's position or your consultant recommended it. Hope it all goes well!! X

You tell them exactly how much your are comfortable with and when.

I was open that I was having an elcs due to tokophobia, or if in doubt want to get into that, that I've chosen a section as I didn't want a vaginal birth, and left it at that.

Be totally open. Keep it to yourself. Be somewhere in the middle. It's totally up to you.

I second not telling them if you've been booked in early. They know your due date so surely there's no reason to talk about it? Then just say baby came early and needed a c section.
Congratulations! 💐

Tell them afterwards and just say it was for medical reasons, im sure once baby is here they wont probe too much x

Just say nothing. Baby is due on x date. No need to mention which method of birth.

It always amazes me how public a woman’s body becomes when she is pregnant. It is nobody’s business but yours, how you deliver your baby x

Just don't tell anyone, give them a rough date of when the baby is due (be like the Royal Family, they never give exact dates ) & then afterwards just mention you had a CS ... if you even need to tell anyone. No one asked me 'how' my baby arrived ... it shouldn't even be up for discussion unless you choose to tell people.

Honestly OP there's no need to tell them in advance - due date is x, you're going to play it by ear. Then 'surprise! Baby's here, everyone is doing well, was a c-section, all good' Nobody asks details at that point, or you can say at a consultant app a few days before the consultant has suggested a section and you're going for it. Your child won't ask for years and years, you don't need to stress about it now.

I'd say it's either breech or say nothing then just say baby came early and ended up requiring a section. Nobody's business but yours!

Yes, this.

say that baby is footling breech (mine was) and you are not prepared to push baby out foot first (my exact words every time)
that should be enough.

happy to answer any questions.

and very sorry about the reasons, sounds like you went through a lot of trauma so it's totally understandable why you need a brush off answer.
honestly, footling breech is perfect. nobody ever wanted to know more once they had the image of a baby foot dangling out of a vagina forced onto them 🤣🤣

Don't tell them until after the baby is born (if you even have to) or that week, and say the baby was breech. Then swiftly move on to talking about the baby which people will be much more interested in hopefully. I hope it all goes well for you.

i had an elcs because i have asthma and was convinced labour would trigger a bad attack. probably completely irrational but it felt like the safer option to me. i struggled with this too because the people i told the truth to basically said i was paranoid and would be fine in labour and shouldn’t have a cs.

so i just started saying my consultant advised me to have one for medical reasons and they didn’t ask anything further. didn’t ask what the medical reasons were or anything.

also my elcs was the most amazing experience of my life so if you feel it is the best choice for you please don’t let people scare you! i read so many scary cs stories but in reality when it’s elective it’s so calm and a lovely experience.

I just wanted to reassure you that not giving people total disclosure of your private information is not lying.
If you think about all the things you don't know about these people you will realise they don't think twice about keeping their own private information to themselves.
Do you know what they all earn, if they have savings, the details of their sexual history, what makes them anxious, how they really feel about their own bodies?
I'm gonna guess no.
So why do you feel they are entitled to know all your business?
Your DM and possibly siblings if your close to them will worry about you in the context of your birth.
Your in-laws are just being nosy, their primary focus is the baby.
Don't tell them in advance and when the baby is born say you had a section on consultants orders. If they query that say all you cared about was you both getting safely through the birth so you did what the consultant said.
Then tell them the baby looks exactly like your family and you can't see their side at all.....this will change the subject every time!
Best of luck with it all.

Just say it's breech presentation. That's a good reason and no one can prove it's not true. You don't need to give a reason though. X

I was told quite early on in my first pregnancy that I wouldn't be left go to full term. The only one I told was my DH. We just stuck with our original due date. Was out for a big family lunch gathering the day before my induction date. Anyone who asked was just told my original due date. A lot of surprise when they heard the news that I'd given birth. Even my DM.

My SIL who was due 3 weeks after me was told that she'd need to have an induction 2 weeks early for medical reasons. We heard a lot about that from her, voluntarily. We'd just keep smiling, and I said something like "ah, that's great, you'll have the first baby and you can give me lots of advice!"

We're different people, I keep things close to my chest, don't want other people worrying on my behalf, my SIL had us all concerned about her labour progression, and then her emergency CS. Too much information.

There is no need to tell anyone in advance that you are having a CS. Afterwards, people will be interested in how the baby is doing and how you are recovering. There is no need to volunteer information about the reasons for the CS. Any questions, just say, "doctors said it was the best for me and baby, and just look at him, isn't he fabulous!"

Best of luck, look after yourself and don't be worrying about this.

My DC are teenagers now and they have never asked about their birth, other than knowing where.

For example, my DH's family are likely to want to know all the details and won't be ashamed to press for answers.

I wouldn't tell them anything early, first of all, and then I would tell them it was because the baby was breech. However, as to the highlighted above, I think you need to have a very direct conversation with your husband that he is responsible for keeping his family's necks tightly wound in. I would be telling him that I expect him to put them firmly in their place should they get too "asky" and intrusive.

You could just say, I need to have a caesarean or I am so glad I am having the caesarean needed for medical reasons.

I agree with the others just say breech and I also wanted to say you should be really proud of yourself for being so proactive and looking after your mental health x