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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

Original poster

Birth wasnt according to plan

29 replies

lightand · 06/05/2021 15:31

Not me. Someone I know.
Recent birth did not go according to birth plan. At All.
Ended in a Caesarean, but thankfully, mum and baby are well.
Baby was wrong way around, mum needed epidural for pain which didnt work brilliantly, forceps tried, etc.
Any tips please to help mum process things?

OP posts:
Astronaut8 · 06/05/2021 15:34

You can ask for a birth debrief at the hospital, they’ll talk her through everything that happened and why.

Original poster
lightand · 06/05/2021 15:36

Oh. Wow. Thank you for that post.
I think she will find that really helpful.

OP posts:
Astronaut8 · 06/05/2021 15:38

No worries! Really worth it especially if he’s effected her.

Astronaut8 · 06/05/2021 15:38

It’s not he’s Smile

Jenjenn · 06/05/2021 15:51

I was that mum. Just be there to listen if she wants to talk about it. Do not take any action or suggest things to help her process (I would have found it hugely patronising). Do not mention the plan again, do not say it might be easier next time, DO NOT say all that matters is a healthy baby.

Original poster
lightand · 06/05/2021 15:51

She doesnt want to close her eyes and rest, as she is having flashbacks, from what I can make out from her DH.

OP posts:
Original poster
lightand · 06/05/2021 15:54

Thank you Jenjenn. I suspected there were things not to do, as could make the situation worse.

OP posts:
Original poster
lightand · 06/05/2021 15:56

And I should have added, sorry for what you went through.

OP posts:
Pinkflipflop85 · 06/05/2021 15:58

Definitely ask for a birth debrief but only when absolutely ready. It took me nearly 14 months before I could even consider it. I then had to have a lot of counselling to process everything.

Even now I struggle with the PTSD (he is nearly 7).

Pinkflipflop85 · 06/05/2021 15:59

@Jenjenn

I was that mum. Just be there to listen if she wants to talk about it. Do not take any action or suggest things to help her process (I would have found it hugely patronising). Do not mention the plan again, do not say it might be easier next time, DO NOT say all that matters is a healthy baby.
Absolutely agree with the last sentence.

I wanted to scream and hurt people who said that to me.

Jenjenn · 06/05/2021 16:00

6 years on I still don't feel ready for discussing it. Let her go at her own pace.

Original poster
lightand · 06/05/2021 16:05

I take on board her own pace for a birth debrief. I dont think I have heard of it before, so thought it had to be done immediately, or else you couldnt have one.

OP posts:
emeraldcity2000 · 06/05/2021 16:08

Neither of mine went as I wanted (one planned section for sever preeclampsia and one instrumental) ... it sounds odd but it really made me feel like I had failed my child. Over time I have more perspective but it surprised me how much it (and problems breastfeeding) impacted my confidence generally. I didn't debrief the birth and I do wonder if it would have helped... there isn't much you can say that will make her feel differently but don't dismiss how she feels and let her talk if she is ready. Don't make her feel silly for feeling sad about it - a lot of people tried to snap me out of it with 'you're both fine', 'lots of people would be grateful for a healthy baby' etc... it just made me feel guilty for feeling sad and perpetuated the whole thing!
You sound like a lovely friend xxxx

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 06/05/2021 16:24

She has a right to feel disappointed but IMO needs to put it into perspective.

Ultimately they did what they had to do for the health of her and her baby, and she got to leave hospital with a healthy baby which is always the goal....

SmileyClare · 06/05/2021 16:42

What's her relationship to you? Close friend, sister, daughter?
I think talking almost always helps to process things so don't be so aware of saying the wrong thing that you're scared to bring this up.

Anyone who has experienced a frightening, traumatic event takes time to come to terms with it. I think her reaction is completely normal. Certainly at first, it's hard to believe or accept it happened and there is a need to try to piece together the sequence of events and why they happened.

Showing her kindness and understanding is a starting point and perhaps acknowledging that she will take time to recover. It sounds as though her partner needs some reassurance too.

It's not the same but when I was in a serious car accident last month, it took me several weeks to get over the trauma and shock of it. I had flashbacks too for a few days.

With my first baby, I took some time to process it all; baby stuck, forceps etc. I definitely found it helpful to talk the experience through with family and other mum friends.

Pinkflipflop85 · 06/05/2021 16:54

@Talkwhilstyouwalk

She has a right to feel disappointed but IMO needs to put it into perspective.

Ultimately they did what they had to do for the health of her and her baby, and she got to leave hospital with a healthy baby which is always the goal....

Comments like that are unnecessary. That's the sort of thing that made my experience far worse. Even now, reading that has made me feel so angry.

When you have been through birth trauma it has absolutely nothing to do with 'disappointment'.

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 06/05/2021 17:50

I didn't mean to be insensitive, it's just that sometimes looking at things from the point of view of what went right (mum and baby both ok) as opposed to what went wrong helps. It helps me anyway.....

MrsPatrickDempsey · 06/05/2021 18:01

You could suggest some rewind therapy following birth trauma. There are some links on Facebook. She may not be ready but I think the most important thing is validating her feelings. If the baby was in a suboptimal position it is important to explain that it was in now way her fault and she could not have probably done anything to change things.
I am going to go against the grain slightly and advise caution with a debrief. She needs to clear about her objective as I have seen situations where it just adds to the trauma to re live things. It can be important for her to understand what happened and why but sometimes just knowing that things were beyond her control can help come to terms with things.

MrsPatrickDempsey · 06/05/2021 18:01

No way her fault - not now

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 06/05/2021 18:05

Really what I mean is it could have been so much worse. If she is traumatised though I hope she gets the support that she needs including a debrief and counselling. Maybe talking to other people who have been through it. I went through a lot of trauma and heartache to have a baby, including multiple miscarriages, so I suppose I see any birth that results in a healthy baby to be a success but perhaps that is not the case!

FelicityPike · 06/05/2021 18:22

That was the worst thing anyone said to me after I had my DD 9 weeks prem by EMC under general....” oh well at least you have an extra 9 weeks with her”.
I know they meant well but fuck off to the far end of fuck!!!

Fitforforty · 06/05/2021 18:26

I had a traumatic birth with DD1. It’s normal to have flash backs up to 6 weeks after a traumatic event but after having a baby then can last for longer because your brain doesn’t get the opportunity to process the information. I did birth reflection but not until after I had counselling, for me it wouldn’t be useful until that then. For me I wanted to understand what had happened and an apology for the mistakes which had been made as well as certain reassurances if I choose to have another child.

Fitforforty · 06/05/2021 18:28

@Talkwhilstyouwalk

She has a right to feel disappointed but IMO needs to put it into perspective.

Ultimately they did what they had to do for the health of her and her baby, and she got to leave hospital with a healthy baby which is always the goal....

This is incredibly unhelpful. Would you say the same to someone who had survived cancer or a terror attack? Trauma is trauma. It doesn’t matter if another person wouldn’t be traumatised by the same event.
Original poster
lightand · 06/05/2021 18:31

Thank you for all the comments.

Hopefully after a bit of time, she will come to terms with what how the birth proceeded.
It obviously doesnt help that she has been in a lot of pain. Things are all new and raw at the moment too. She has to process her inner thoughts.

OP posts:
HandforthParishCouncilClerk · 06/05/2021 18:37

I think the trouble is that we are increasingly presented with an unrealistic vision of childbirth - NCT classes, celebrities etc - the focus is all on having a vaginal delivery without anaesthesia, followed by breastfeeding and people feel like they’ve failed if they don’t manage this, and it’s BULLSHIT.

I don’t know what her original birth plan was, but very few births go exactly according to the plan, and the more rigid people are with it, the more they struggle afterwards.

She hasn’t failed, she hasn’t let herself or the baby down but it will take her a long time to see that.

If she gets in touch with her hospital, they’ll have a birth stories midwife who can do a birth debrief and suggest support/counselling.

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