Ptsd from sexual abuse, birth options

[Ptsdsmash]

Hi Ive never posted here before and I am not even pregnant yet but I want to know if there is anyone who is/has been in a similar position to myself. I suffered sexual abuse by my mums partner when I was between the ages of 4 and 11 and it has left me with scar tissue in my vagina. I’m worried how this would affect childbirth but I’ve never been able to have this examined as I also had a traumatic experience when being checked in hospital for signs of abuse and as well as nightmare and issues using the toilet/getting/undressed/sexual issues I have a big big problem being touched down there which is difficult to explain but I feel the same way about people who touch me as I do about the man who abused me even when it has been 100% consensual it is like a switch just goes off in my head and I feel very angry and violent and I can’t control myself, it doesn’t go away either as I still feel the same way about my ex and a healthcare provider I saw to the point I had to move to another area to avoid seeing them in case I hurt them. I’ve turned on people during sex and I have had urinary infections that lead to cysts which I’ve had to drain myself. I am worried about if I’d realistically ever be able to have a baby naturally or if I should just give up. I have had counselling for over 10 years but it’s not helped with this particular problem and I don’t know how I’d even begin to explain it all to a midwife without sounding like I’m nasty and aggressive.

I’m so sorry for your experiences. You could try contacting charities that specialise and they may be able to direct you to someone who can tell you more about local services.
In terms of childbirth, perhaps an ELC would be easier for you? NHS trusts often have specialist midwives for women experiencing mental health difficulties and they might be able to support you in pregnancy. Most monitoring of the pregnancy happens without need for genital examinations or internal scans. Advocating for yourself is incredibly hard when you are triggered. Bu you have been really articulate in how you’re impacted and what effect it has on you. Perhaps you could hire a doula to advocate for you, for example reading a letter from you in appointments? You have every right to good care and support to become a mum.

I have nothing to say that can assist you but I wish you well and hope you can one day overcome this.

I wish your abuser the worst of everything forever.

So sorry you’ve gone through all of this.

Just know that there are options and you would be able to get an elective c-section. I am having one and I don’t even have all these issues, my reason is purely that I have severe anxiety about giving birth. I just don’t like the idea of any of it. I mentioned it from my first booking appointment with the midwife around 6 weeks and she made a note of it. I mentioned it again at 16 weeks and she came out to see me at 22 weeks where I mentioned it again. I have now been referred to a consultant and will see him at 29 weeks. My midwife has assured me it will be granted. If it helps any I am 25 weeks and no one has had to go near my vagina yet! I know that might sound weird but I almost presumed at every appointment the midwife got you to strip off but she doesn’t. If you go onto the birth rights website they have requested information from all hospitals in the UK to say how many maternal request c-sections have been granted and each hospital is rated red, Amber or green for how well they follow the NICE guidelines. www.birthrights.org.uk/campaigns-research/maternal-request-caesarean/

Hi
I myself have had similar experiences in life and I now suffer from vaginismus which is where the muscles in my vagina involuntary spasm when I have anything like exams or sexual intercourse. I also had counselling for many years and tried and failed treatment for my vaginismus. I'm just very open with medical professionals as I suffered through exams and always ended up either fainting or them not being able to do it, after being open from the start about my vaginismus I now get put to sleep for smears and they take different routes for induction and treat it with so much respect.

I had similar worries all my life as with sex being so difficult I wasn't sure if I would even ever get pregnant never mind being able to go through all the exams and what not but I did manage. Credit to the midwives having a good knowledge of vaginismus and sexual assault in women and treating me with such care and kindness. I don't have sweeps and they only do vaginal exams if they absolutely have to and I was given gas and air for all my exams and even when they induced me and had to insert the pessary. I've never been treat differently because of it or like I'm a hassle.

Plus when I was well into labour my body didn't fight the exams as it normally does. It didn't spasm automatically when the mw was checking how dilated I was or breaking my waters maybe the gas and air? also I know other vaginismus suffers that's been able to get an epidural much earlier because of the trauma.

So being open and honest with your health care team and birth partner is the best advice I can give and that having this trauma and difficulty you have to deal with every day doesn't stop you from being able to be a mum or having a vaginal birth if that's what you want. I'm pregnant with number 2 now and going to be induced Friday all the MW that are treating me already know I have vaginismus and are already prepped.

So I hope this has helped a bit and given you a bit more information if you find vaginal exams difficult outside of pregnancy such as the likes of smears or needing swabs etc you have other options!

Good luck in the future and sorry for your trauma xx

Thanks for the replies everyone I did not expect anything from an Internet forum reassured knowing others have been through similar I loved the suggestion of getting a doula So I have an advocate if I’m not able to get myself across that is not something I’d thought of but I’m looking into now!
I didn’t know about mental health midwives but it’s something I can ask about when I do try.

@Ptsdsmash

Thanks for the replies everyone I did not expect anything from an Internet forum reassured knowing others have been through similar I loved the suggestion of getting a doula So I have an advocate if I’m not able to get myself across that is not something I’d thought of but I’m looking into now! I didn’t know about mental health midwives but it’s something I can ask about when I do try.

Op, I have had a very similar experience to you and have two dds. Both elc. For me personally a vaginal birth was just not possible, I was honest with my midwife from the first appointment and was transferred to consultant care. There were no arguments about them "allowing" a c section and both were positive experiences. If you want to know anything more feel free to ask

You would most definitely be able to have a c section based on what you've written here.

Best in mind though that's it's not the answer for everyone. It would involve being naked from the waist down, on a table, in a room full of strangers, totally unable to move. I have had several patients who tell me that based on their personal experiences this would be no better for them than a vaginal birth.

I hope you find an answer

You'd be surprised what midwives can handle. They are typically tough women.
I don't have advice per se. I can just tell you that my midwife has helped many traumatised women give birth. One was schizophrenic and went through multiple personalities during labour and she dealt with all of them. Another one apparently "regressed" during labour and became like a child. She handled that too.
Don't dismiss midwives, but do explore options for healing. Start with what you want. What do you want? Do you want to be touched somewhere? Or are you just making yourself get through it because you think you should?
I don't know. A friend had, not the same, but a similar issue and she said her healing started when she started revisiting her agency properly. But I don't want to condescend.

I understand what you're saying. Have you looked into EMDR to help you process some of the trauma? I found it really beneficial.

I agree with previous posters that an elective c section might be the best approach. I haven’t had one, but I can’t see any reason why with an elective c section anyone would need to go anywhere near your vagina throughout the pregnancy (assuming all remains healthy). Nhs scans start at 12 weeks and are done on your stomach, not internally. I didn’t have anyone go near my vagina with my first until the birth.

If you wanted a vaginal birth, I also agree with pp that it will be important to have really open conversations and a very clear birth plan. Lots of women elect to have no vagjnal exams during labour for a variety of reasons. I agree having a doula to help you advocate for this might help.

It might sound scary, but it’s also worth considering a home birth if you wanted a vagjnal birth. You would have the same midwife with you throughout the birth (depending on your trust you may also have them do all your prenatal check ups too so you’d know them really well), so no need to keep explaining yourself to lots of different people throughout labour and continually refuse vaginal exams. Home births are less likely to end up in assisted labour (forceps etc) which I am certain you would want to avoid and you could still have a doula for added support and advocacy. You may feel generally safer and more in control in a home environment.

It’s a very personal choice and hospital or an elective section may well be best, but wanted to suggest it.

I’m so sorry this happened to you. You would definitely have options around birth if you got pregnant, depending on what felt best for you.

I wanted to flag something I heard of a few years ago which might be of assistance to you. It’s the My Body Back project, which is aimed at women in your position who have survived abuse, to help with access to sexual and maternity healthcare. Their website is below:

www.mybodybackproject.com/