AIBU to be jealous of a friends easy birth?

[SunHoldsTime]

Ok I know I'm being un-fucking-reasonable but why can't I be happy my friend had an easy labour with her son? I had a terrible labour -3rd degree tears, 30 hours, medical mismanagement, postpartum bullshit nurses etc. I wasn't able to breastfeed and generally still cry about the whole experience. But why am I not happy that a good friend didn't go through any of that? I don't think anyone should go through what happened to me and yet I find myself awake in the middle of the night being jealous of my friend. She had a shit pregnancy ending in early labour but she said it was spontaneous and smooth and she feels great. Her baby is even bigger than mine and mine was born 2 weeks later! I couldn't fucking walk properly without pain or painkillers for 2 months. This all makes me hate myself even more than usual.

Just sending unmumsnetty hugs, OP.

It's all been a bit shit for you, and I'm sorry you've had such a tough time.

Be kind to yourself x

Sorry you had such a horrific time. I had an ‘easy’ quick delivery with my second (still felt like being hit by a bus) and I find myself strangely envious of my friends that have recently had more dramatic births. I think it’s because I feel like I didn’t get any acknowledgement for what I’d been through because it was quick, when we all know so much of the misery of birth is the hospital stay, recovery and the emotional aspect. People think a quick birth is an easy one but it tore me to pieces! I think you’re looking for someone to place some if your upset and it’s landing on your friend, understandably. Be kind to yourself and give it time.

Be kind to yourself and take itmore as you are angry and upset that you didn't get the birth she got, and not that you wish she'd had yours.

On paper, I had an 'easy' and straight forward birth and was up and about and active very soon after. But I also have huge prolapse issues which will never be able to be 100% corrected. I'll likely never be able to get back to running which used to keep he healthy, both mentally and physically. I've not discussed this with anyone, so there will probably be people out there jealous of my easy birth. I also know people who have had no issue with their birth but have suffered terribly with PND. What I'm meaning is that you just never know what people might be going through.

I had a traumatic birth too op with some bad care, and I remember feeling really jealous/upset when I heard others talk about their birth experiences. Even if things went wrong I'd get upset that they were listened to and I wasn't, and that type of thing. I was left with long lasting phsyical damage and I was resentful of that for a while too.

I never told anyone how I felt except for my ex, dd's dad about it and he understood. I would never say anything to another mother though because I know/knew I was BU. Also, despite how we feel we don't know another person's full story. They might have had an "easy" labour but they could have all sorts of other issues with things that were easy for us and so on.

OP, I have had 3 very easy labours. I’m very lucky. However, I have also had 4 miscarriages, one of which nearly caused me to go into cardiac arrest in front of my 2 young children who witnessed blood literally pouring out of me.

I feel jealous all the time of people who just casually announce pregnancies without any complications.

I think everyone has their own story, but you are not unreasonable to feel sad or upset about your own.

I’m sorry you had a rough time.

Yanbu to feel this way. However, you are bound to be better off than others in some ways - for example they may have had a straight forward labour but have needed IVF or suffered miscarriages, or get divorced in a couple of years, or have an unrelated health issue. Trying to see it in perspective, as part of a much bigger picture does help. Also, finding someone to have a good moan at.

I had a bit of a rough delivery which took me months to recover from. I think it’s not so much hating that person didn’t experience what you did - it’s more I feel a missed out. I felt so shitty & so poorly after my son was born I feel like I didn’t get to absorb the whole newborn, fresh baby, first couple of weeks being in a baby bubble thing. That really upsets me still. Especially when most of my friends recovered pretty quickly & were out walking with they’re prams like 5 days after birth.

I can sympathise with you OP
I am now a great grandma the births of my own two children were horrendous.I will spare all the gory details but both born by crash sections under GA and I was in hospital for two weeks both times.
A week after my first was born my sister gave birth to a nine round baby without as much as one stitch.Four days later she was wheeling the pram down the local highstreet while I was still in hospital walking with one hand on the wall. Nine years ago my niece gave birth while standing up.
A close friend of mine has had three very large babies all born vaginally with no complications.Now, years later, she has a vaginal prolapse and has been denied surgery because of covid.I can thankfully say I have no problems that way.

Not unreasonable at all to feel that (it would only be unreasonable to act on it towards your friend, which you aren’t) and after such a traumatic time it is a very understandable response. Maybe contacting your local hospital about a birth debrief could help you? What you do/don’t feel towards your friend is indicative of trauma, not of you as a person and you deserve help and support.

I get it OP. I had two emergency caesareans and feel like I've missed out on pushing a baby out!

It does get better (mine are 12 and 10 now).

Birth is out your hands no matter what people tell you.