Hi, I'm really hoping maybe there's someone on here who might be able to put me at ease or share their experience. I always knew I'd have trouble with childbirth due to past trauma but I was in a really good place before DH and I found out I'm pregnant and thought maybe I'd somehow be able to deal with it. Well, I couldn't be more wrong. The second I found out he was over the moon (and I desperately wanted to be) but all I've felt is complete and utter terror.
At my booking in appointment, I burst into tears and explained everything to the midwife. My fears around childbirth stem predominantly from a previous violent sexual assault, it took years to rebuild my life, and now that I'm pregnant it's hanging over it threatening to bring back the trauma all over again. I shake at even the thought of the examinations, the stitches, transition, possible intervention or emcs, all of it. I'm scared that the intensity of the pain will cause me to feel out of control and have a panic attack or worse flashbacks during labour and that will all lead to a traumatic birth or emcs anyway and bring back MH issues post-natally which will be devastating to me. Add to this that I also have emetophobia and there are also physical reasons I suspect I'm more likely to have a difficult labour - recent pelvic injury which caused urinary issues, heart-shaped pelvis, my mum had a traumatic labour where my heart stopped, the cord was round my neck and forceps were needed and gas and air made her puke her guts out but she was too late for any other pain relief (not sure how much birth is hereditary though so maybe that's irrelevant). The midwife was really supportive at the time, referred me to multiple people, said I could discuss an elcs with the mental health consultant and she'd refer me to the perinatal mental health team. She reassured me I'd be in control the whole way through.
I went away from that appointment feeling so much calmer and relieved, for the first time I felt like I could actually start to enjoy my pregnancy, I felt glad I'd opened up about it and reassured that I'd have support so I wouldn't have to relive it again. The perinatal team got in touch quickly and arranged a meeting. During the meeting it quickly became apparent that they are entirely opposed to ELCS and focused on getting me to birth naturally using EMDR therapy for the trauma. Of course I want to try this therapy if it'll help generally and have agreed to it.
Trouble is, between sessions now this has made my head go all over the place again. My anxiety has come back severely, I'm having nightmares, it's all I think about, I'm struggling to work and I'm back to not enjoying my pregnancy. I'm terrified that I'm going to spend the next however many weeks trying this therapy, having to remember painful images (even if I don't have to talk about them), feeling unstoppably anxious in between which surely can't be good for me or my baby, and then having to struggle at the very last minute to avoid being forced into a birth I know I can't cope with, or worse, end up with no choice.
I want to add that I have researched ELCS and VB in great detail, I know ELCS is no easy option and to be honest, both birth options terrify me to some degree but ELCS to nowhere near the extent as VB currently does, for the reasons I've stated. I'm open to changing my mind but I seriously can't see that happening.
I'm just wondering if anyone else has any experience of having similar therapy with the perinatal mental health team but still going ahead with an ELCS? And whether you had to struggle or they were supportive? Any stories or advice, just anything that can put my mind at ease. I'm really struggling at the moment and I'm starting to wonder if having this on my mind throughout the pregnancy will end up causing me MH issues anyway. I feel so low and alone about it. 
Sorry, this is such a long post. I'll try and keep my replies shorter.