feelings about the birth

[Stefka]

Birth was half good, half not so good - managed to stay home for ages, was sore but coped. Arrived at hospital fully dilated and the midwifes couldn't believe I had managed for so long at home. They rushed me to the labour ward saying the baby was coming now. An hour later nothing had happened and the felt something was wrong. They broke my waters and discovered he was back to back. Told me not to push - no way I couldn't though. Another 2 hours of pushing - by now the pain was awful and I gave in and had some pethidine. After I had it things started to move on - they saw the head and another hour he was born. I did not tear which was great but I was gutted that I had given into the pethidine as it was something I really didn't want to have. Consequences of that were I was very doped up when he was born and the next day he was very doped up and I had probs feeding him. I had asked that the cord not be cut until it stopped pulsating but after I gave birth I felt very confused and the midwife asked again if that was what I wanted. I asked her if it would mean more of the drugs would cross over and she said shall I just get on with it and I said ok. I have no idea what the answer to that question was and I don't feel I made an informed decision in that moment

I know it sounds daft but I feel bad about the drugs. I really wanted a natural birth and I feel like I failed. I also feel guilt over my baby being so dopey when he was born, like I gave him a bad start in life.

My other worry is that I feel pretty awful about the whole thing and I am fearful of every having to do it again yet I know I want more kids.

Any tips on processing the experiences so I can feel less upset about it all?

How long after did you give birth? Was it very recent?

Sunday morning at 3.57am so it is all very recent.

stefka, first of all, congratulations!
back to back labours are notoriously excrutiating, but I'm not going to tell you not to feel guilty because us mums are programmed to feel guilty about everything! but it is the honest truth that nobody will think any less of you for having pethidine.
xx

You are still obviously feeling very raw and emotional after your experience. But you have done an amazing thing, you have successfully delivered a healthy boy! Thats fabulous!

You may feel like you have let yourself and him down now, thats part of the problem with birth plans if you are not able to stick to them... But believe me, these feelings will pass. He will not have on his CV 'My mum needed drugs to deliver me'

Don't beat yourself up. You did really well!!

You gave birth just four days ago. Congratulations!

I suspect your hormones will be playing havoc with your emotions at this time, and that's probably partly why you feel as you do.

You did incredibly well during the birth. Back to back is hard - I know, I've done it. It's harder then non back to back. Three hours pushing?! Wow! That must have been exhausting.

Give yourself a break. You've done incredibly well. Babies are always dopey after being born - my two certainly were - that's normal.

also, your hormones will be all over the place right now so you're to feel tearful. try to put your feet up and take time to bond with your lovely new baby.
x

Did they not encourage you to change positions regularly to encourage baby to rotate? What position were you in for the pushing stage?

Don't beat yourself up about the pethidine, a back to back baby with no waters is incredibly painful! You did what you needed to do in the circumstances.

I do appreciate your regret, I am the same. I had Diamorphine against my pre labour preferences! But am resolved that next time, if there is one, I will NOT have it. But then I do hope to stay at home where I can't have it anyway!

The good news is that your body did a wonderful job! You were 10cms already before getting to the hospital. Baby did still rotate and you birthed without a tear. Next time will be fab cos you have learned from this time.

If you want to talk more to experienced councellors go to Birth Trauma Association. Your feelings are valid and should not be ignored

stefka.. you did so well, don;t beat yourself up !

you wanted a natural birth, so yuo had a bit of pethidine, but you managed to push your baby yourself ! no intervention and ventouse, just you .. OP labours are hard.you got to full dilation and pushed for 2 hours with an OP baby without drugs. you should be immensely proud of yuorself. that bit of pethdine will have helped you get through the last really hard bit, it is a muscle relaxant and it also helps you rest between contractions, which after 2 hours of pushing, you need ! so you did what you did, and you had a great outcome.

of course you are allowed to feel disappointed, but you did nothing wrong.

you have not given him a bad start, i bet his apgars were just fine !

you cannot make an informed decision seconds after birth when you are tired, and drained so don;t feel you did anything wrong about that.

have you managed to get feeding started ?

also, your hormones are going absolutely bonkers right now, which will make you feel a bit weepy and down,

bug hugs and congratulations to yu x

Thanks all - I know it sounds daft but I just feel a bit ashamed for taking the drugs. I will get past this.

Feeding is causing me problems - hurt my nipples and there is a lot of pain. Trying to work through it with the midwifes help but it is fairly hard going.

Congratulations on the birth of your baby boy!

I totaly understand how you feel about having the drugs. I felt the same after having an epidural with DS2, and pethadine with DS2. You've been through probably the most mind blowing experiance of your life, adn it sounds to me as though you coped with the birth amazingly well. I found I had to keep going over and over the birth of my first baby in my head, just to be able to process what had happened. I knew I wanted more children, but left it 3 1/2 years before I got pregnant again, as I jsut couldn't face another labour. When I did get pregnant, DH and I were both terrified of the birth, and saw a hypnotherapist, who gave me a 'fear release' session, as well as teaching us hypnobirthing so I was able to go into labour feeling positive.

I had pethadine not too long before the birth with DS2, and he was extreamly alert when born, where as I had a drug free birth with DD, who was a very sleepy baby, so please don't beat yourself up about accepting pain relief. You've done amazingly well.

WELL DONE STEFKA.

Like the others say, you have nothing to be ashamed about. At the end of the day you have had a healthy baby so focus on enjoying him as they dont stay babies very long!!

Try Lanisohl cream for nips .. its fab stuff available in mothercare in a purple tube.

Good luck with everything and enjoy

Please don't feel guilty. Also, the bf would've been painful whatever the birth was like. I think I was sore for about 3 weeks. The body is an amazing thing, it just takes time to adapt.

I have to say, I admire you for wanting to do it without drugs but as someone elso has said your lovely ds will not be putting it on his cv.

Stefka, unless the mw have had specific bf counselling training I would advise contacting the NCT BF line or ABM instead. Don't give up! It's very early days yet, but I know how tiring and draining it is at first. I can assure you that, after bf two children until weaned, it does get easier. You just need the right support.

just putting in my two cents. I wanted a natural delivery. I'm staunch feminist and young and idealistic. I ended up with every pain relief in the book. Had an induction, back-to-back baby , gas, pethidine, epidural and baby had cord around her neck. Ended up in emergency c-section. I am still struggling with the emotions of it all. Rejoice in your baby and remember there is no 'one way'. I had a hard time breast feeding for the first week, but ended up getting really good advice (from a male nurse actually). Might be worth talking to a lactation consultant. It shouldn't hurt after the first week or so...

I completely understand too - my sister popped her 2 babies out with no pain relief and I had convinced myself I would do the same. When it came to me I had an epidural and at the time it was an utter relief. It was only in the 2 weeks afterwards that I felt something like guilt - that I couldn't do it naturally. Since then I have 'had a word with myself' and I am feeling much better about my choice. It was my CHOICE at the time and it was right for me (ended up with an episiotomy and a massive haematoma afterwards so with hindsight I am grateful). What I'm trying to say is that immediately post this emotional event your brain is scrambled. Give yourself time - focus on your LO and enjoy getting going with BF (it can take time but I am now 2mths on and loving being a mummy and I don't give 2 hoots about having an epidural now - noone cares anymore!)

Thanks - I feel a bit better now I have some distance. Trying to tell myself that it was just one day and that I have the rest of my life with my healthy baby and that is what counts. It is hard when you have your heart set on something but I need to accept it. Oddly the whole thing feels like remembering a film or something now - it's quite weird.

Congratulations . Our first was back to back, and it hurt ... you did amazingly well to do so much at home.

You will never know what could have happened if you hadn't had pethidine - the pain may have been too much and resulted in other complications.

I understand your angst though - I didn't feel that I minded how I gave birth to DS3 but even now I am cross that the midwife was unhelpful at first and that this tainted the birth.

hey stefka, just had to say hi cause you seem to have had similar experiences to me, my baby was back to back too, i also asked for pethedine despite being originally against the idea, only difference was the midwife faffed around so much i never got it in time so had to do without cause it was pushing time by the time she got rounf to it. Back to back is so painfull an in the few days after i couldn't imagine ever being able to go through labour agian, i'm strangley slowly coming round to the idea now though, don't know why, baby dylan is so amazing, didn't know love like i feel existed . Also noticed you were having breast feeding probs, me too, really painfull nips, broke down crying at the midwife cause didn't feel i could carry on but she explained it is totally normal when lo is sucking so hard to get the colostrum and your nips aren't used to it, she checked he was latching on properly which he was, she explained if i could manage to persevere it would get better once my milk came in,so i carried o whilst gritting my teeth and remiding myself it's not as painful as labour... milk has come in now, it still hurts a bit but getting better all the time, been using that cream someone else recommended on this thread after each feed, called lasinohl or something like that, it really helps and has stopped my nips falling off, had a blister on one but it's healing now . How are you getting on now? feeling better about the birth/feeding?

The birth stress is fading because all you can really think about is looking after the baby!

The feeding has been hell. My nipples are badly cracked and it has been very painful. I had an infection - on antibiotics now, got engorged and blocked ducts. I have sobbed my way through so many feeds now. I have had a couple of good ones so I am really hoping that things are about to get better as I am not sure how much more I can take. If I can get this sorted I think I will feel a whole lot better about things in general.

That is so annoying about the midwife not getting you the pain relief in time. I couldn't have gone on without it - I felt totally desperate at that point. I have used loads of lasinohl too - it's good stuff.

You did a brilliant job, dont think you can rule anything out in labour until your there, back to backs are incredibly painful so i think you did really well.

Your poor hormones are prob raging now but they will calm down and youll realise how well you did.

Hope your nips feel better soon

Aw your poor nips, glad they're slowly getting better, i can undestand how you feel, it hurts so much! some feeds are better than others for me, depends how long the feed is, if he's on a long time i have to grit my teeth to get through it, i can't understand why it hurts if he's latching on properly which the midwives said he was? I too will feel a lot better if i can get the bf sorted, might try speaking to some kind of bf support club...

Everyone says I am getting it right too. Sometimes I am because it doesn't hurt. Others something is wrong because it hurts like hell. Although the midwife pointed out today that it is also the baby who could be doing something slightly different and that he is learning too. I never expected either the birth or feeding to be so hard.

you did so well it takes lots of learning from both you and baby to breastfeed

Yeah i know, in some ways the breast feeding is almost as hard as the birth, i knew some people had difficulty establishing bf but didn't truly understand why until now! I've really been concentrating on having his mouth as wide as possible the last few feeds and it definately makes a difference, as you say lo is learning too, i suppose as long as we make sure we're doing everything right it can only get better, fingers crossed

You didn't 'fail'. You're alive and well and so is your baby. That's the bottom line, no matter what happened. There's no moral superiority in refusing medical treatment, even if you could have maybe managed without it. If you do feel that you were unnecessarily traumatised or ignored, then there are sources of help to talk it through with, but no matter what, you're alive and well and so is your baby, and that;s the most important thing.
Congratulations on your newborn and best of luck.