Thinking about having a doula - please help

[pobletsmum]

I'm thinking about having a birth doula to support me (and DH) at the birth of our 2nd baby. After a traumatic 1st birth experience (ending in forceps delivery) I am considering EITHER having an elective C-section OR a natural birth with as much support as I can muster...which is where the doula would fit in. I've spent an hour searching archived messages, and have read lots on the Doula UK website, but would still like to hear from real-life doulas or mums who have been helped by doulas.

I suppose what I'd really like to know is what a doula can actually do to help me through the labour and birth. I am VERY scared and as much as I think I'd like to 'do it naturally', I don't think that I will be able to relax enough to do this. I am already losing sleep worrying about the birth and I have a few months left to go.

Any advice/information/ideas welcome!

Hello Pobletsmum, I am a new Doula and a VBACer. I always say that 90% of the birth is the work done before hand, in preparing your Birth Preferences, going over your previous birth (if applicable), instilling confidence by helping the mum to learn about normal birth and that she is actually very well designed to do this!

I lend books from my library of wonderful authors, I give email and phone contact as much as is wanted. I point mums in the direction of information to help them make informed decisions. And I can attend at antenatal appts with women if required. This is what Doula's do!

Then at the birth we are there in whatever way the mum wants us, maybe just there while dh is the physical support, or being more hands on while dh does manly stuff like filling pool (if at home). Doulas help to remind you of your Preferences if decisions require to be made and can speak up for you as your advocate if you do not wish to be disturbed.

We DON'T make clinical decisions or give advice.

The worst thing for childbirth is fear, so you need to do some work now to educate yourself about birth and realise that you can do this.

How much intervention was there at your first birth? All too often, I'm afraid, intervention is the norm and this tends to lead to more trauma. Intervention is not always necessary but how are we to know this before hand? I was so naive at my first.... and even to some extent at my VBAC, which was assisted by forceps. I feel cheated and a fraud because having a spinal meant that I did not feel the birth, felt somewhat removed from it and also have another scar to add to the one on my bikini line .

Definitely call a few Doulas in your area and see how you get on. Dh's tend to find them so helpful as they are too emotionally involved in the birth and so can't be as strong for their partners as they would have liked. To have encouragement that they are doing the right thing etc can be such a bonus.

Have you done any reading into normal birth yet? Ina May Gaskin, Dr Sarah Buckley, Pam England, are a few to start with,

gotta go, hope that's enough to start with!

You have nothing to fear, except fear itself!

Klaw.

Given that you have stated that you don't make clinical decisions ie. Doulas are not necessarily medics.How do you arrive at the conclusion that 'intervention is not always necessary.'

?

Klaw is making her comment based on the fact that she is competent in reading and understanding research. It is true that interventions are done which are not necessary, on women who do not need them , because of policy and procedures and the individual foibles of ob's. I know of your situation Bubble and can't imagine what you went through -but the op asked for info from doulas and that is what Klaw is and she has replied as such.
Lisa x

poblet.... you can email me if you like and I'll give you my number so that you can talk through what a doula does etc. Don't worry, I'm not looking for new clients. I'm booked solid til April.

lovelymarslady at aol dot com

if i was your doula, i would support you to make whatever decision was right for you.. we could talk through the pros and cons of a VBAC and el c.s, and i would debrief you on your first birth. i would not make a decision for you, but would help you find the information needed to make an informed choice, and a choice oyu are happy with.

as doulas, we have researched and read about birth , been at births, and seen how intervention or the lack of it can affect a birth experience. through that, we can help a woman draw up a birth plan, and she can help herslef by outlining her birth preferences... the pros and cons of the different types of pain relief, pros and cons of ARM etc.. so that a woman does not have to start thinking about it in labour,she and I and her DH know her preferences and can support her in her decisions.

during the birth, hand holding, back rubbing, hair stroking, holding the G&A, mopping brows, whatever needs doing is done for you ! and then making sure your dignity is respected and your wishes, during and after the birth.

HTH

A doula is someone with the knowledge and understanding of birth. We are experienced birth partners offering reassurance to both you and your partner and in no way replacing the midwife. A doula will help you through the whole labour as we don't have shifts to worry about and can be with you through the entire birth and come to your home as early as you like. It can also be helpful as you are able to build a rapport with your doula and know she will be with you on the special day

Hi is it OK if I come on this thread to ask something specific about doulas? Am considering a doula for my 2nd (only a few weeks pg so early days yet) after long slow high-intervention induction + forceps with ds1. My question: do doulas stay awake with you if it's a v. long labour? Midwives have shifts and can hopefully recover at the end of them - how does it work with a doula? (had contractions for 31 hours last time, hence the question) - hope this isn't too much of a hijack

i have dozed next to a client !! and in a labour ward waiting room.. second labour much more likely to be quicker.. but we are there for you for the long haul...

Thank you all so much!

klaw - I think you summed up my biggest problem - 'You have nothing to fear, except fear itself!' I am scared that the FEAR will take over and stop me being able to relax, which will lead me down the same path as last time - days at home feeling helpless, epidural to get some rest due to exhaustion, leading to one intervention to the next etc. I am not essentially unhappy with any decision that was made during my 1st birth. I think I am able to understand the reasons for each intervention, and if I was to face it all again (1st time over again), would probably end up down the same path, but the end result is that I am a mess (mentally plus episiotomy scar still a bit uncomfortable!). I only wish someone could guarantee things won't be the same again...

The practical info about what doulas really do helps. I hope that helping me relax might be something that's a big part of their role in my case, and I think it might help just having a doula there, whatever she does/doesn't do.

marslady - thanks for the e-mail address. I might well take you up on your offer. I'm just trying to digest all the info at the moment.

Thanks again everyone

ditto lulu and lily!

Systems I was at a 41 hour labour. Dad and I took turns to have short power naps throughout ensuring that mum was fully supported throughout. I was also at a four day labour where I slept on and off in a chair.

What we do as doulas is ensure that you have full support! I hth!

Thanks lulu and marslady - wow the dedication!! Am now definitely thinking seriously about getting in touch with a doula in a few weeks' time. And thanks pobletsmum for starting this thread, sounds like we had similar experiences first time round.

It's strange systems but the more I do this job the more I love this job! I think that you get what you pay for. All the doulas that I know are totally dedicated to their work and love what they do.

For me it's not about the babies. It's about the parents and supporting them through this special time. Every birth that I have attended has been a privilege. I consider myself very fortunate to have found work that I love.

systems - your hijack was useful to me too. I started having significant contractions (less than 10 min apart, painful) 64hrs before DS was born. IF i am going to go through it again, it would be reassuring to know that someone will ride it out with me & DH.

I take my hat off to you pobletsmum! That must have been tough. All the midwives etc told me at the time it would be quicker 2nd time around, so hopefully they're right, for both of us ...

If you do decide on a doula this time round, can you post about what it's like as you'll be a few months earlier than me? It would be really helpful to hear how you get on. All the best!

if i may be so bold as to speak on behalf of my fellow doulas.. we do what we do becasue we passionaltey belive in it, that we want women to have the best labour and birth they can, and if that takes 40 hour or 40 minutes, we;ll be there..

oh my Doula was WONDERFUL. I had one for my 2nd VBAC and she helped me find the confidence to refuse constant monitoring, and to give birth the way I "hoped" to give birth (which actually happened).

When I met with her before the birth we talked about different scenarios and how she felt she could support me if (for example) I ended up being induced (I'd never been into labour on my own before - 3rd baby too) and ended up with a heavily assisted delivery (as with DS2) or even a CS (like DS1).

On the day she was really supportive and while I was shouting I CAN'T EFFING DO THIS, she was gently and calming saying "YES YOU CAN" in my ear.

It was so good to have someone there who knew and understood my wishes (obviously DH knew my wishes but being a man didn't really understand why) and I'm 100% convinced that had I NOT had a Doula I would not have had the amazing birth experience I had with DS3. I'm still buzzing about it and he's 21 weeks old now

I'd definitely recommend having one.

My doula was also fantastic -i had no idea how I'd cope with HBAC, so I found someone who had successfully done why i was planning and who could help me communicate with my midwives - She was so inspiring i used her the next time as well, even though i was pretty confident.This time i'm flying solo though!
Lisa X

I've heard a lot of very positive things about Doulas from 2 friends who have used them - trememdous support, clear thinkers, calm, helpful when time to make decisions etc.

But they also said that sometimes the MWs or Docs can get a bit sniffy with them, or ignore them outright - which is rude, and could be stressful I imagine.

Hi piglet - some m/ws can feel a bit threatened by having a doula there, especially if the doula is advocating for the woman (which is their job). I find it is often caused by lack of knowledge, confidence or the odd 'chip on the shoulder' m/w, who thinks she knows best. This is usually the midwives problem, not yours or the doulas, unfortunately it can occasionally cause friction.

Most of the time it is great for the m/w though, as the doula is giving support in the handholding, massage, touchy-feely way that often, as a midwife, we dont have time for, as we are often looking after more than one person in labour.

Also, if the woman has a doula, you know that they are well prepared for birth, and have done reading and research which helps give them the tools to cope with a labour.

So, I am always pleased to see a doula with one of my women in labour, and usually, when the allocations are being done at the start of the shift, I will take that person to look after, and I have never had a problem with doulas, despite working with quite a few different ones.

I do often feel quite sorry for them though, as has been said, they are there for the long haul, and sometimes they look more shattered than the labouring woman at the end of it! And if you count how much they get paid per hour spent on each case, especially with a first timer, its got to be one of the worst paid jobs in the UK!
They certainly must love the job

Bubble99, the main intervention which is not always necessary is induction. Sometimes it may be necessary to get baby out early, such as pre eclampsia, and so induction is offered. BUT very often it is something that women think they have to accept at a certain date in their gestation and this is not always true. See the Kent Midwifery Practice's article on induction which explains this from a medical point of view.

It is not my place to tell a woman whether to accept induction, but I would help her to find information to help her to make up her own mind. I would listen to her as she talked over her fears and remind her that she has options, and go over all of them with her. Then she will have to make up her own mind. I did this only recently with a woman planning a HWBAC, when her baby's HR showed signs for concern. She chose an elCS and this was the best option for her, under the circumatances, with the information she had to hand.

Thank you Jamila, for explaining for me but I felt I had to reply to Bubble too to explain myself. Unfortunately, Bubble, procedures are offered to women without full information about the pros and cons, without other options and worded in such a way that they cannot make an informed decision. I hope to ensure that my women make an informed decision whcih is right for them.

Pobletmum, so I was right, you had interventions, which you feel were correct and necessary at the time. But this means that next time, if none are medically necessary, you should have a far better experience! Also if you employ a Doula, she can work with you to deal with the previous labour and also help you to deal with any issues that you may face with the next birth, enabling you and dh to make your informed decsisions!

sorry, I've probably rambled a lot, keep getting interuppted by dd......

I've just booked a Doula (hope its ok to say- joFeb from MN- hope its OK to say that!)) and she is lovely, and in her initial visit she already reassured me by making me feel I am not an awkward cow for insisting on the birth I want, and also helping me understand some things about ds2's birth and why it may have stopped and started (fear arising from ds1's traumatic delivery). I imagine finding a doula that suits means finding one you can get on with, and it may be the first of fortieth you talk to. But a good one I would imagine is an investment- because unlike MW's, etc etc she's about you not the hospital rules, procedures or whatever else is in place.

I had a very early epidural with my first pg, and generally an experience nowhere near as good as it could have been, I felt that the medical profession were in control, not me.
When I was expecting ds2 the lovely ladies on here found me DaisyMOO who acted as my doula. I cannot tell you how much of a difference it made to the experience. I felt completely in control, and knowing that DaisyMOO was there and would tell me if I needed to do what the medical people were saying gave me the confidence to have the birth experience I wanted. And I did

Thank you everyone for sharing your experiences. I'm so glad I started this thread.

I love hearing about the mumsnet doulas.

Mintypurple.... thank you!