C section general anesthetic/birth trauma?

[Buzz22]

Baby is just over 2 weeks old. I went into hospital for induction. Had 1 pessary, continuous contractions all night on the antenatal ward. Contractions calmed down the following day. Then they decided they could break my waters. I was reluctant as they kept saying I was progressing by myself. Midwife told me as I was booked in for induction then they wouldn't let me wait to see if waters went and labour progressed.
I was moved to labour ward, waters broken then the continuous contractions begun again. I laboured in pool for hours and once examined again they said I had only progressed by 1cm. They decided I should be put on hormone drip so I reluctantly agreed to epidural. The epidural provided zero relief, nothing like I had seen on tv or heard about.

The ctg then picked up that baby was distressed. Heart rate was slowing during contractions. Myself and DP could hear it ourselves. Midwives said it was nothing to worry about but the room began to get busier with more midwives and staff.
The obstetrician looked at ctg and decided I needed to go for emergency c section.
We were taken to theatre and long story short but the epidural top up failed and I felt the insicion so was immediately put under general anesthetic and my partner had to leave.
In recovery I was shown my baby and to be honest it could have been anyones baby for all I knew. I couldn't hold her as i was too out of it from the general. I feel robbed of birth and meeting my own baby. I feel like I took it all away from my partner who had to wait 20 mins in recovery to be handed our baby, then a further 50 mins for me to out of theatre.
Every day I think about what happened and cry my eyes out. I since know baby was back to back which explains the continuous contractions. I know the cord was wrapped around babys body and limbs. I just feel upset and angry. I feel bad for my baby that we didnt get to have skin to skin or anything. I hate our first photos, I have oxygen, tubes everywhere, cannulas and catheters looking totally off my face, I not even holding my baby. Some stranger is holding her on my lap or chest and they draped my arms over her. I feel awful. I feel sick and sad when I look at my baby it all comes back. Is this just hormones...will it pass? The midwife told me birth is such a minor part of her life in the grand scheme of things. The hospital told me it's so unusual to end up with general anesthetic during a c section but it still happened to me. Maybe I'm overreacting but I cant get the situation out of my head and it upsets me this was the start to my baby's life.

Sending hugs to you - it’s a very traumatic thing to go through and such early days. I had a different situation (emergency section pre labour) and narrowly avoided a GA but I didn’t get to see my twins, they were still working on them and then they were taken to NICU. Didn’t get to see them until the next morning, couldn’t hold them etc. They took a photo of them before taking them up and honestly in the photo I thought one of them had died.

They are 4 now and honestly I still struggle with it sometimes. I find seeing those first photos of mums and babies after birth really tough. Sometimes I have dreams about it. But it has gotten easier.

When you’re ready you might want to find out if your hospital offers a debrief / Birth Afterthoughts service. Some services offer REWIND therapy for birth trauma etc.

For now, take care of yourself and reach out for help if you are struggling.

You okay OP? Been thinking of you since I saw this, I understand how you’re feeling and it’s so hard

It does get easier with time.

I had a similar situation with my eldest. His position combined with strong contractions from the hormone drip meant he was in distress. I was being prepped for surgery by a midwife and asked to sign consent forms by one consultant whilst another had their hand up my vagina doing a test to check my son's blood oxygen levels.

I found it very hard in the early days. Things that helped me were time (DS is now 7). Having another baby and another experience with him helped hugely (wasn't particularly positive either with him though!). I also had a debrief and as part of my VBAC review I was able to go through my notes from DS1 birth. That helped me hugely. Ive had counseling since as well, not just for this though I should add.

But the biggest factor is time. Take it easy OP. Don't be ashamed to grieve or feel the way you feel. I hated people telling me all that mattered was my baby being healthy when I'd been cut in half and felt like death. Remember to take care of yourself too. You are recovering from an operation too.

@SinkGirl @Fatted thank you both. And I'm sorry that you both suffered with your births too. Yes I the midwife who saw me at home has offered to refer me for a debrief with my notes. I didnt think it would help as it sound like theres no way it would have gone any differently. However lots of people seem to find it beneficial so I try it.
We lost our first baby who I delivered at 22 weeks last November so I thought I would be happy to come home with a healthy baby. But I just feel like I've failed having a baby for the 2nd time. The first birth was induced labour too and I delivered our stillborn son vaginally. This time I knew you couldn't plan for labour and went in fully prepared for tearing, episiotomy, forceps or c section or any eventuality. But I didnt expect to be unconscious for the birth. My partner doesnt understand. He is just pleased we have a baby at home but I cant get the whole event out of my mind. Part of me wonders if I wasnt induced and they didnt break my waters, would the cord have compressed? If they took notcied of my previous medical condition sooner, would they have realised an epidural potentially would fail?

You’ve been through so much, I am not at all surprised you are struggling, and this is also a time where you’re sleep deprived and your hormones are all over the place - even those who feel positive about their birth experience can struggle a few weeks in. It sounds like you have quite a few questions so I think a debrief could help - in our trust the midwives who run this service are amazing, and can refer you for additional support. Have you had much support after your still birth, as I expect what you’re feeling now is trauma from both.

I’m so sorry that you’ve had such a difficult time. I know that some will say that having a healthy baby is all that matters, but in reality it’s not as straightforward as that.

I hope you can get some support - also ask if there’s a specialist maternity counselling service, there’s a fantastic one here.

Gosh, you’ve been through it, haven’t you. After you’ve done the debrief with the mw, can you look into counselling? Being able to talk it through with someone who isn’t trying to “fix” you helps massively.

I had a crash cs with ds2. I was under GA for 12 hours, spent 2 days in ICU and ds2 was in NICU on the other side of the hospital so I didn’t get to see him. It was awful. Everyone wants you to be happy about your healthy baby (even when the baby in question is intubated in ICU they still trot that one out!). But you have been through something traumatic and need to process it.

Has anyone suggested that you take a bath with your baby and recreate the newborn skin-to-skin moments? Get dh to take some (discreet!) photos?

Btw, my ds2 is 13 in a couple of weeks. He thinks it’s hilarious that he caused so much bother!

I had a very similar experience. Induction, emergency c section and a GA a the epidural didn't work. DH didn't get to hold DD. I woke up to her next to me and had to ask the midwife to take her to DH as I was still coming round in recovery.

I always wanted to experience labour and birth, I even considered surrogacy before I met DH as I was sure I would never meet anyone to settle down with. So, to have a c section under GA was absolutely gutting to me.

For a few months after the birth I would cry everytime I saw a birth scene on TV or read birth stories. I felt awful my DH didn't get to witness the birth of DD and I often wondered if she was actually my daughter. What if the babies got mixed up? Sounds crazy but now, a few years down the line I'm absolutely OK with the birth. I obviously wish I had been conscious as, being our first, I've never witnessed a real life birth but I no longer dwell on it as much as I did in the early days.

DD is an absolute gem. I can honestly say that not having skin to skin has effected her in anyway. She's cuddly and loving and just an all round awesome kid. I did feel a bit detached from her for the first week or 2, as if I was babysitting someone else's baby, but I may have felt that if I had been awake when she was born - who knows!

Will this feeling pass pass, for me it did and I'm sure it will for you too. Although I do have this sense of never having given birth and so when I see or hear things about how strong woman are during child birth I don't feel that applies to me, but the feelings I felt about the birth initially have passed.

Don't be so hard on yourself. Your baby is here and healthy and doesn't care how they came into the world. It's early days for you, and hormones are all over the place. You are still finding your feet, there's lockdown, you are probably sleep deprived and you had a traumatic birth. On top of that you lost your first baby which is also probably playing a part of how you feel. There's a lot for you to be dealing with right now so be kind to yourself. You done what was best for your baby.

My advice is to give things time to settle down and see how you feel. If you are still feeling like this in a month or so then consider a birth debrief or speaking to someone about your experience. Feel free to PM me if you wish

Op you have been though a huge trauma. My birth started off exactly like yours, five days into the induction I was given an emergency c section, I was so exhausted I remember asking my husband if I was dying as I fell asleep on the operating table. I remember barely anything and I like you hate those first initial photos. I don't look anything like me, after five bags of fluid pumped in me, I was totally swollen and huge.
However, I am pregnant again, will be requesting an elective and trying not to worry. I never took my de brief and it is a major regret of mine, hopefully yours will help you.
Ultimately, time really does help.

OP, I just wanted to say hang in there! You've been through a massive trauma. I think it takes a whole for our brains to catch up with something our body has been through.
The Birth Trauma Association are worth contacting. My dd is now 20. It took me a few years to come to terms with her birth. I felt like no one else understood what I'd been through. To be honest, no one did! Now I feel proud that we both survived it. Get as much help as you can. All the best.

I totally understand your pain, OP.

I also had a traumatic induction and labour that ended in an emergency section under general anaesthetic (I too could feel even the lightest touch with the epidural).

I also had a severe haemorrhage and multiple blood transfusions and was kept sedated with kidney failure and a raging fever for hours, not meeting my baby until the next day.

I too look back at my first photos with DS and feel SO upset. I'm on a significant amount of morphine and covered in wires, and my voice is slurred and I keep nodding off like a heroin addict. I also felt as though he could've been anyone's baby and had PTSD and PND.

I'm five months down the line and we have an incredible bond. Incredible. But it's been built as we learned and grew together. I didn't get the skin-to-skin, natural birth and rush of love part. But now I couldn't adore him more! It came with time.

When you feel ready, speak to the hospital about a birth debrief. That's what I'm in the process of doing at the moment but it's somewhat delayed due to covid.

It gets better. It really, really does.

@Buzz22 I'm so sorry to hear of your traumatic birth experience.

I also had a GA csection and felt all the exact emotions you describe! That feeling of being robbed of the birth I desperately wanted! I ended up diagnosed with PTSD and received EMDR therapy. That really helped me to deal with the experience and finally be able to talk about it without crying and feeling like I was right back in that moment. I didn't think I needed help at the time but I'm so glad I got the help I so desperately (didn't realise) I needed. I'm now pregnant with my 2nd and so very very scared about the delivery but my head says I have experienced the worst so anything else will be a bonus!

I just wanted to reassure you that everything you are feeling is normal. And anyone who tries to make you feel better by telling you "at least they're here now and healthy and that's all that matters" and you want to punch them for saying that I completely agree! Was genuinely one of the worst things I could hear after going through what I went through! Take time to heal slowly and allow yourself time to recover both mentally and physically!

Hi I am sorry to hear of your trauma. I had a birth reflections meeting after traumatic forceps delivery with no pain relief and resulted in broken coccyx. Three years later still broken and I am terrified of labour again. I will say though that I think the trauma made the bond between my daughter and I even stronger. I hate looking at ghe first pics of her as they remind me of that day and how traumatic it was for both of us but now she is beautiful and kind and big and I couldn't be happier.

I am due no.2 in January and would appreciate any advice on how others have got over their trauma or learned to deal with it,

Take care OP and be kind to yourself xx