Reassurance needed for worries after traumatic birth

[ConstantlyPanicking]

Hi everyone

As I have said I had a pretty traumatic birth. I went into hospital because my labour was progressing so quickly, I got there when my contractions were 2 mins apart, I couldn’t stand properly and couldn’t talk through them. The midwife assessed me and did a speculum exam that I squirmed through because of contractions, for her to tell me my cervix was too high and she couldn’t see how dilated I was, she sent me home telling me to go back 24hrs later. I left, couldn’t make it home so had to stop at MILs house, and 25 mins after leaving the hospital I gave birth in her toilet. Start of labour to delivery was bang on 6 hours so it was very quick for a first baby, and because of how quickly it happened and pushing without knowing if I should or not I tore in 2 places.

One of the tears was between my urethra and clitoris and I’m now 4 weeks pp and I am very anxious about it. I feel like after being sent home when I clearly wasn’t meant to have been, I feel like I don’t trust the midwives at all and so I am scared that they aren’t taking my worries seriously about healing and about being “intact”.

Understandably my anxiety is high and I totally appreciate I am still hormonal but am I being irrational or am I right to want reassurance about it?

Sorry for the long post and appreciate if you made it to the end x

That sounds awful. You are well within your rights to want to be intact and to seek reassurances. Although, even babies born in hospitals, born small etc can still cause horrendous tears at the time. You can’t go back and change that sadly but what matters is that they fixed them properly now. Initially they may look battered and swollen but crucially should look untorn/together. Stupid question but have you looked at your stitches using a mirror? Is that what concerns you? You can also ask your gp/practice nurse if you are concerned with the quality of care of the midwives.

@LouiseTrees I have tried to look as best I can and can see the knot of the one I’m worried about, and I think what worries me is that they said they were internal tears so I assumed I wouldn’t be able to see? People have also said to me that when they had dissolvable stitches they could see parts of the stitches come away in the bath or on pads etc as they healed and I’ve had none of that

You would probably have had to be stitched internally and externally if it was a bad tear. I didn’t have any bits come away in the bath and it’s not something I’ve heard my mum friends say. The better indicator is how swolen it is. Could your partner hold the mirror so you get a better look? Seeing the knot is a tad worrying though as that suggests it maybe wasn’t done too neatly.