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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

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Original poster

sex after birth

21 replies

pigletmaker · 12/10/2007 09:53

I have been hearing from a lot of friends how they've not resumed having sex with their DPs for 6, or 9 or sometimes 12 months after the birth of their LO.

This has really surprised me as I can't imagine its very good for their relationship.

I couldn't wait to have sex with my DP after the birth of DS1, because my bump was out of the way, because I was thrilled and happy and wanted to be close to him. I think intimacy is important, especially in the form of having sex.

Is there a reason other than being tired and "not feeling up for it", a deeper reason that people aren't doing it, and is it causing problems in their relationships?

I'm just puzzled.

OP posts:

Original poster

pigletmaker · 12/10/2007 09:54

ooh I should add - I had to wait 3 wks to physically recover before we could....so I know about that aspect!!!

OP posts:

SpeccieSeccie · 12/10/2007 10:04

I had to convince myself to get back into the saddle and only did it at 3 weeks because I knew it was good for my relationship. I know DH would have understood me taking longer but I felt that it was necessary as a couple to get it underway. The first few times I wasn't into it at all but we have a good sex life and I recognise that DH needs physical affection from me - especially when I was giving so much to the new baby. And really, it wasn't that bad - it was sex with my lovely DH!

For me, things massively improved after 8 weeks when I gave up breatfeeding and got my period back around week 10.

I'm also surprised to hear 6/9/12 months. What a shame!

ScottishMummy · 12/10/2007 10:11

o the mirth "I had to convince myself to get back into the saddle" i am still grinning

Celery · 12/10/2007 10:26

I think you were lucky that things were recovered enough down there after 3 weeks to be able to comfortably do it. Many women take months to fully recover, so that's one reason why it's not happening for some people for several months. After the birth of no. 1, my episiotomy scar was very tender for 6 months - nothing wrong with the stitch up job, it just took a long time to heal enough to be comfortable. If you are breastfeeding, hormones can effect you and cause loss of sex-drive too. Often, breastfeeding mothers just don't have a libido.

FioFio · 12/10/2007 10:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

TrickORTripletEm · 12/10/2007 10:33

I had to wait for six weeks after and my DH, the loving caring man that he is circled the date on the calender so I wouldn't forget
Did it in the end just to shut him up from counting down the days!!

ILovePudding · 12/10/2007 10:42

I had a second degree tear and only in the last month or so (dd is now 14months) has it stopped being painful to have intercourse.

Whenever we attempted it before that it was extremely sore and I felt like I just couldn't get it in.

So we'd just do everything else, but no intercourse. My sex drive has been fairly low, which I think may be partly to do with bf as well (which I am still doing). So we haven't been getting it on all that often.

My relationship with DP is even better than before dd arrived. We joke about the lack of sex and it's not an issue as we know it's just a phase, that we still fancy each other and things will pick up again (in fact they have already )

Not a shame at all Speccie. I've never been happier!

Tommy · 12/10/2007 10:46

well - DS3 is 8months old and we haven't had full intercourse yet

why? I was really poorly after he was born and then, just too knackered. I haven't had a full night's sleep since he was born and, quite frankly, my bed is for sleeping in

Maybe it is affecting our relationship but we do have the rest of our lives tp have wild sex so not having it for a few months is pobably something we can cope with

Tommy · 12/10/2007 10:47

see? so knackered, I can't even type let alone have sex

Songbird · 12/10/2007 10:59

Agree with tommy and i love pudding. I had lots of stitches and it was very tender for months. Also had ventouse delivery so felt very bruised and sore internally. DH was extremely understanding and wasn't at all surprised or disappointed or frustrated, love him. We did 'other stuff' as well (which mainly involved him getting some IYSWIM ). I did also (half!) joke with him a few times in the very early weeks that sex would frankly be a waste of time - I could be sleeping ffs! I breastfed so had to do all the night feeds, so was just too tired.

When we finally did manage it (around 6 months IIRC) we had to use lots of lube as I was very nervous. I had been (and still am tbh) quite traumatised by my birth experience.

As pudding said, having dd has definitely made our relationship stronger, and frankly (absolutely no offence intended) I'd be a little worried if the healthiness of my relationship relied on sex.

Having said that, lucky piglet for feeling up for it after only 3 weeks, but I suspect you're probably in the minority!

LordVenger · 12/10/2007 11:12

I remember us both being so tired after I had DD2 that we seriously discussed whether we could hire people to "do sex at us" whilst we lay there. a bit like getting a cleaner, but dirty.

Lulumama · 12/10/2007 11:16

pigletmaker

it is great you were able to get your sex life back on track

some women cannot, for a myriad of reasons, some physical, some emotional or a combination of the two.

also, sometimes men feel less sexually inclined towards their partner after birth

a fear of pregnancy again too soon can put a woman off, and often you have to wait until 6 week check for hormonal contraception or even later for periods to resume.

also, a forceps/ ventouse delivery , a lot of stitches, extensive tearing can make resuming sex difficult and painful.

a c.section can leave you sore around your tummy, and can make it harder to get going.

not to mention tiredness from birth and feeding round the clock

it might also be hard to feel sexy when your fanjo has just been used as an exit and there is a baby on the breast a lot...for some women it is hard to reconcile the motherness with the sexiness.

so , does that answer your question?

Songbird · 12/10/2007 11:27

I really didn?t like dh playing with my boobs when I was still breastfeeding, not least because I was worried I might squirt him in the eye . I was rather squirty!

MrsTittleMouse · 12/10/2007 11:48

Blimey TrickOrTriplet, if DH had done that to me, I would have held out even if I'd wanted to!
We're only just now getting back on track (nearly a year); instrument delivery and large badly healed episiotomy. BFing didn't dampen my libido, but it stopped my scar from healing. We talked about it alot and it was obvious that we still fancied each other, even though it was very difficult because we missed it so much. I think that even though we had a rough time, there would have had to have been something else wrong to ruin the relationship after what is (in the grander scheme) quite a short time. In my case, we didn't know if I would ever heal enough to have sex, which was very scary and I think it would be much harder if it was forever (even though DH reassured me that we would work it out).

happypiglet · 12/10/2007 13:28

My DD is 12 weeks and although we have resumed intimacy it has been very very sporadic. Its a question of fitting it in between DS1, DS2 and DD's needs. Plus sleep is currently our holy grail. Plus BF makes me a bit funny about DH and my breasts - they currently have another purpose!
I think sometimes in a relationship you have to settle for quality not quantity.......

TrickORTripletEm · 12/10/2007 13:39

Believe me MrsTittleMouse I really didn't want to. Had just had triplets and a c.sect!!!

Don't worry though because it is a good one to throw back in his face when we have an argument:

"Me? Selfish? remember when......"

Ha,ha I win everytime!!!

MrsTittleMouse · 12/10/2007 14:42

Sadly I'm not allowed to do that in our house. I had thought that giving birth in such a protracted and painful manner would have given me some kind of protected status in arguement, but no. If I really wanted to, I could do the "and you sided with the doctor who bullied me" but I don't think that would help our marriage much.

Original poster

pigletmaker · 12/10/2007 19:27

I completely understand the pain and the hormonal things affecting sex. I had stitches after 2nd degree tears (not to mention monster, MONSTER piles that left me laying on my front for several weeks, urgh). But I know that these friends of mine either didn't have tears or c sections and some of them breast feed and some of them don't...so I suppose its possibly just an individual thing and that I may simply have a few unhappy friends and that everyone's libido is different.

Thanks for all your answers!

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bubblagirl · 12/10/2007 19:42

i didnt have sex for 4 mths i had stiches inside and out and was just genuinly afraid the longer you leave it the more you just dont seem to want it

i did want to but froze every time just didnt feel i had confidence we had amazing sex life at end of pregnancy and he was so understanding he saw what i went through and dint want to push me into anything

we found other ways untill emotionally and psycologicaly i felt ready and now all ok and once stitches had gone i was so bloody sore

Amberooni · 13/10/2007 20:22

omg, I don't want to wait months after, fingers crossed, no stiches. DH won't have sex whilst I'm pg - it freaks him out. I looking forward to being a wife again, no I'll be forcing myself to go for it no matter how tired I feel.

moocowme · 13/10/2007 20:33

i can't wait to have sex again (had DS 3 weeks ago) only thing stopping me is not got any contraceptives. DH has never used any before so it would probably be a bit different for him and we would never risk another pregnancy so close to this one.

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