Doula or alone?

[ciaralily]

DH won't be able to be at the birth of DC2 (and tbh wasn't that helpful last time anyway). I'm trying to decide whether to hire a doula or to just go it alone. Doula is so very expensive, I wonder whether that money wouldn't be better spent on another month of mat leave with the new baby. But I can't recall the hospital midwives doing much practical help last time - helping with the tens machine, rubbing back, helping with going to the loo/shower. Is that because DH was there at the time and could do these things? And if I were on my own, they would be more hands on? Or do I really need to have a doula if I feel I will need help with these kinds of things? Thank you to anyone who would be happy to share their experience x

Following because I’m considering having a doula too (although DP will be there). We’re both very nervous about the big day and I‘ve been told having another person there who we know (who isn‘t so emotionally involved) could make a big difference to how it pans out. Covid-pending, of course.

Hello, @ciaralily - moving this over to Childbirth, as requested.

I have never understood the point of a doula- id rather just a midwife than an expensive stranger.
My midwife, even with my husband there, was my main source of advice and help when giving birth.

I kind of equate it to flying first class- given my financial position would I rather spend £5k to travel first class for 7hrs or travel economy and have £4K spending money once I land...the latter. Giving birth sucks regardless of who’s there.

I had a doula

She was wonderful

Would genuinely choose her again over an extra month of May leave

Instead of hiring a doula, do you have anyone else you could ask such as a family member or close friend? I'd prefer that just for the chat and distraction alone than someone I didn't have a shared history with outside of having a baby.

Unless you get lucky and are only there for a short time, I can't imagine that the midwives are going to have time to rub your back, adjust your TENS machine etc as they'll have other things to do.

No suitable family members and with friends I think I'd worry about them seeing me in that state I'd worry about how they were feeling rather than focusing on my own needs iyswim.

Yeah, I get what you're saying. I guess it depends on the "level" of friendship - my best friend would want me to want her there but as she's quite a drama queen in the run up I'd end up worrying more about her than me even though I know when it was actually happening she'd be good. We got married within weeks of eachother (& gave birth within 3 days of eachother) and being her bridesmaid was way more stressful than being the bride myself!

Could you ask a friend to come and keep you company in the initial stages and then ask them to leave (even if it's just to go to the corridor) when it gets to the final stage? Or just be with you until you get to the hospital? (Or will your husband be there for that?)

Just another thought, could you contact NCT and explain your situation stressing the fact that you can't afford a doula - they might have one of the local teachers who could come with you for a donation to the charity? Or if you're near a uni that does midwifery then you could ask if there was a student who wanted to accompany someone during a birth? Maybe discuss if this is something that your midwife could help facilitate?

We had a student midwife (in addition to the midwife) and she was great as she barely left the room. Disclaimer: we weren't even at the hospital for 3 hours before my baby was born.

Thank you @Cardboard33! I think I wasn't quite clear - generally we can afford it, it just is a lot of money (and certainly not an easy expense or a sum we'd otherwise spend on anything really, but it's also not the case that we just don't have that money). So I was mainly wondering whether the expense will be worth it.

If I'd get the practical help I need and a bit more attention maybe than last time from the midwives, what if that would actually be enough? But if the midwives would leave me on my own for most of the time, then I'd definitely think I just need to pay for that extra support. I'd love to hear from others who have been in this position (not having a birth partner with you).

That's so cool that you and your best friend got married and had babies so close to each other in time!

Hi OP, we hired a doula as DH experienced unexpected hospital related anxiety during my scans and it just looked like we couldn’t rely on him being able to attend the birth. We found a doula-in-training who charged something like 50% of normal fee, in exchange for us writing a report on her afterwards as part of her training programme. She did some post natal doula sessions as well.

She was a godsend. DH did end up being able to attend the birth but I cannot tell you how lovely it was to have someone there able to advocate for me - I swear it was the doula who convinced the midwives not to give me an episiotomy but to try something else just one more time. DH wouldn’t have done that - not that I blame him, but he was flapping and out of his comfort zone.

You know your circumstances. I think it’s lovely not being alone in the birth Center /labour room. Yes you have a midwife but you may not always have one all the time. I really valued the support and friendship of our doula - and she did lovely things like offer back rubs and help me with the breathing exercises. I know I know many wonderful DHs do this too, but if that’s not your DH’s thing - or he might not be there - then I fully recommend a doula.

Thank you @Popskipiekin, that sounds wonderful!

Doula all the way had one for both my births they are worth their weight in gold. Where are you in the UK I might be able to recommend one.

Thank you, everyone. If anyone else has any experiences to share, I'd love to hear more - definitely considering the doula now. In fact doula-in-training sounds perfect, how did you find her @Popskipiekin?

Gah, I wrote a longish post about my first birth experience and why I decided to hire a doula second time around - but lost it. I haven't given birth yet but due date is imminent and I am very grateful so far for the support of my doula throughout pregnancy (especially because of covid, it's been a weird time to be pregnant!)

I think a doula is an ideal birth partner, they are not a stranger because you meet them a few times beforehand and get to know them a bit, plus they have some training and experience of attending births, they will usually have some familiarity with the hospital staff, procedures and facilities etc.

My DH tried his best but a doula would have been more helpful during my first birth.

You can find a doula here
doula.org.uk/

I would say strike a balance. Tell your midwife you will be giving birth alone, and ask if you can have a bit more hands-on assistance than you normally would. I'm sure they'll be happy to help. Save the ££s.

Yes, I'll definitely also ask the midwife about what it would be like and what support they would be able to give.

@NameChange30 All the best for the imminent birth! So you felt the doula was helpful during pregnancy even though it was your second? In what ways? I hope- and am sure- she will be (or was, by now?!) as helpful as you'd hoped during the birth as well! x

I realise this is nosey but how much is the doula that it's so expensive? I'm interested in knowing more but I tend to compare health things to car services or holidays, if I would spend £X on my car or a holiday then would I spend the same on peace of mind?

The one I found was £1800! (London) Not sure whether this is normal or how much prices differ. Definitely haven't ever spent that amount on a holiday or my car.

£1800 does seem very expensive!

My doula charged £1100 and that includes antenatal support (minimum 2 meetings - but we've had more - plus email/phone/message contact), support during the birth and 1 postnatal visit. She also teaches antenatal classes and as a doula client I was able to join classes if I wanted (they were online because of lockdown, and I did one but didn't feel the need to do any others. She does hypnobirthing and has shared her resources including relaxation audio files etc.

My first birth was traumatic because I was unlucky with my midwife, I felt unsupported and disempowered and that combined with the pain (which the midwife did not allow me to manage how I wanted) made it a very difficult experience. I felt that if I'd had a doula with me to help support me, explain things and advocate for me (or help me to be more assertive) it could have been very different. So I actually decided to have a doula second time before I even got pregnant with DC2. The pregnancy brought lots of unresolved feelings to the surface that I'd just buried after DC1's birth. So the single most helpful thing my doula has done is help me work through that - she did a "rewind" session with me which was a guided relaxation / visualisation to revisit the memories and acknowledge my feelings but then let go of them (if that doesn't sound too "woo"!)

Unfortunately my local maternity service is only allowing one birth partner at the moment (due to covid) which has been a big source of disappointment for me. DH wants to be at the birth, understandably, and I don't feel I can choose my doula over him even though she'd probably be more helpful. So I have actually planned a home birth, this would mean she could be with me until the midwives arrive - technically after that she is supposed to leave the room but we are hoping the midwives might be lenient or might allow her to go back in if they don't have to stay with me the whole time.

If I have to go into hospital I won't be able to have my doula with me as well as DH But even if that happens I won't regret hiring her, she's been such a support and I feel more confident and able to be assertive. Also if I'm in hospital and there's anything we're not sure of, we might call her for advice.

Sorry I've kind of told you my life story there

I do like and do all those things you mentioned and more. They're not just an extra pair of hands, they fully trained birth professional with lots of experience and skills. Not only can they do back rubs, but they can make sure you're hydrated, bring you snacks, run you a bath or shower, help you with all forms of non medical pain relief, discuss all your options and choices with you, help you communicate with the midwives, take photos if you want them to...basically be there to help and support you 100%, and as others have said you will have met them beforehand, they are someone you know and have a relationship with. And they are generally with you all the way, they won't go off shift at a crucial moment. I can't say enough good things about doulas, they are wonderful and the fee is not usually that much taking into account the number of hours, travel time, antisocial hours etc. So if you're going to have one take your time to speak to a few and find one that you like. But be fair to them and pay the full fee, don't try and do it on the cheap.

Sorry that should say "a doula can do"

Thank you so much @NameChange30, this is really helpful. I can totally imagine the rewind session to be very helpful and needed and not woo at all. In fact I think this is something I'd find really useful too before the next birth.

I hope all goes well for you- it's frustrating how much more complicated it is now because of covid Fingers crossed you can stay at home and have everyone there you need.

Thank you for your kind words Fingers crossed!
Good luck to you in your doula research and decision

Thank you!

And thank you too @tinkywinkyshandbag - it's really helpful to me to hear all these more detailed things you've described that doulas can do- I'm definitely convinced now!