Timeline:
- found out I was pregnant
- now ex became overwhelmingly abusive (emotionally, sexually, racially etc)
- lots of complications. Echogenic bowel in baby, low amnio fluid, IUGR, weak cervix, hyperemesis.
- continued abuse, attended scans and appointments on my own, he tried to push me in to having an abortion due to complications and him not wanting a 'retarded' child (his vile words)
- baby was born. Traumatic quick labour. Ex was present for first 5 minutes of the labour, and the last 5 minutes for the birth. He had better things to do.
- I left him shortly after son was born as he was awful. Criticised my body. Was controlling. Abuse every day.
Now I'm 19 months down the road and feel amazing. I've been through counselling and done the freedom programme, got a restraining order against him and am genuinely happy.
I get this awful sinking darkness over me though when I think about having another child. I think I still have that naive longing for something I didn't have in my pregnancy; a man who actually wanted to feel the kicks, didn't moan when I was nearly passing out from dehydration (he called me a taxi to the hospital as he didn't want to drive me and be tired for work), someone who would be present at the birth to support me and keep me calm.
Has anyone had a good experience with their second birth, without that exciting anticipation of something new that they haven't done before? Can I put all of this behind me and potentially have another child in the future without being haunted by all of this?
I'm rambling a bit but please bear with me. My brain is like this much of the time 