Struggling with a third degree tear..

[leahstella]

I had my son 6 months ago and suffered a 3C tear and lost quite a bit of blood at the time. I had surgery straight after and was stitched up from front to back, I was taken into surgery so quickly I feel like I missed out on the special skin to skin time right after the birth.

I've since had my appointments with the surgeon and has told me that everything is fine but I am really struggling to believe that I actually am okay....

I'm scared of going the toilet in case I split back open, I'm scared of my periods in case it's not even period.

It's even affecting my sex life with my fiancé as I'm just too scared and lacking confidence with myself to do anything.

Is there other mums out there who have been through similar things and how do I get better mentally.. it's really dragging me down

Hello, I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. I had a traumatic birth too nearly 9 months ago now, forceps, 3rd degree tear, lost alot of blood and straight into theatre. I’ve really struggled with it wondering what I could’ve done differently to change how it went, but I’ve also been left feeling horrible down below which is a constant reminder anyway.
I know you can have a meeting to run through what happened at the birth and why (i’m far from ready for this) or maybe ask for counselling. With your partner just take it slow, have a glass of wine, use some kind of lubricant maybe... me and DH haven’t really resumed our sex life, I think I’m almost too ashamed of my body now. I think I’m hoping that time will be the best healer for me, both physically and mentally, though as time goes on I’m running out of hope.
Sorry this probably isn’t much help, but just so you know you’re not alone xx

You poor thing. It sounds like you could do with some support. Does the hospital you gave birth at have a birth reflections service? It might help to sit down with someone and go through your notes and all about exactly what happened, how it was fixed etc. Have you had any physio? Whilst your problems appear to be more psychological than physical it could really help to give you more confidence. I would also seek a referral for CBT or counseling.

My DS is 4, I had a forceps delivery in theatre with a 3rd degree tear and a large 3 litre haemorrhage. I was stitched up there and then, we were in theatre for 3 hours. Thanks to the drugs, and the 3 day induction I barely remember DS' first 24 hours, and I didn't hold him until he was 2 hours old. It still feel very emotional about it even though it was a few years ago, everyone says you should be grateful you have a healthy baby, which I am, but I mostly remember just sobbing about the pain and birth injuries.

Dh thought I was dying due to the haemorrhage and we both are still emotionally affected some years on. DS is an only child. We did have a debrief with a midwife when DS was about 9 months which helped, mainly DH.

Some of my stitches reopened after a week and had more antibiotics and weekly checks at the gp, and had a six week check back at the hospital. All ok.

In terms of how to feel better mentally, time helps an enormous amount, the debrief, and for us deciding not to have any more children. I developed PND/PNA and I think some of that was down to the birth, not all. I had a successful series of CBT, which was more like therapy and a year on anti depressants, I've never struggled with my mental health before.

In terms of sex, it still for me can feel uncomfortable, I was absolutely terrified for about a year, but we use lube now which we never did before. The barrier for our sex life is now tiredness!

I hope things improve for you, it's so very hard.

Hi op

Another one here to say you aren’t alone. I’m 9weeks post delivery with my first.

3b tear, huge blood loss (narrowly avoided transfusion) and theatre straight away for two hours so no skin to skin. The last thing my husband heard once they told him the baby was ok was one doctor say to the mw we need to get her to theatre now, she’s losing a lot of blood. Apparently he honestly thought he would never see me again.

As you’ve described I was so emotional and upset post birth about so many things - missing the first two hours of her life, the pain, subsequent issues I faced regarding going to the loo etc.

I’ve so far done birth listening service which I personally found helpful and have self referred to IAPT for a perinatal mental health specialist to assist with my mild ptsd although I did have an assessment with the perinatal mental health team first in case it was more serious. I’d suggest asking your HV for a referral in to the perinatal MH team to start with a discussion there and the birth listening / reflection service to understand the “whys” and ask questions of an independent senior midwife.

You aren’t alone. It will get better - I’m fortunate that I already feel a bit better so I’m living proof it can be done!

I completely understand. Had my little girl nearly 12 weeks ago. Forceps delivery, 3 degree tear and straight to theatre for 3 hours. If I think too much about not being with her straight after she was born I cry! I remember lying in theatre wondering where she was and whether my husband would still be there as I kept thinking they might kick him out as it was the middle of the night! Which seems a silly thing to think now but at the time I had no idea what was happening! Luckily narrowly avoided a transfusion. But I'm still not healed, had a number of infections and antibiotics which have then made me ill and so caused more damage. So fed up of constant pain :(

How did you find after care at this time? I was discharged from the midwives a couple of days after leaving hospital and health visitors have rang twice but otherwise nothing.

Sorry for a bit of a rant, just nice to talk to someone with a very similar experience!

@Cinders09 your story is almost identical to mine!
They were ready to discharge me quickly Against the usual timelines but I asked not to be. Thankfully my community midwife is exceptional and put a note on my record that only she was to discharge me and promised me I wouldn’t be discharged until I requested it. She then pushed everyone to give me the support I needed. I also got very lucky with my HV. She was a midwife for 20 years and has been like an extension of my own mum during this time. She put extra calls in to me and just listened when I needed it. Between her and my mw making sure services like physio and mental health were there for me I’ve found the care to be as good as they possibly could have done under the restrictions.
I know if I’d needed face to face they’d have found a way to deliver it.

Thank you for messaging me. This has helped a lot knowing am not the only one with the feelings and worries I have. I’m going to contact my HV and see if I can get any counselling like this!

I hope you and your little family are keeping well. Thank you again xx

Sorry I’m new to this so don’t know how to message your directly. I just want to thank you all because it has helped me a lot. We are all stronger than we think and we will get through this. We all will get through this! It nice to know that I’m not the only one who has gone through this and felt the same.

I hope everyone is keeping well and I’m here to talk about anything xx

I just wanted to add my story, 10 years on. I had a 3rd degree tear, post partum haemorrhage and, like you, was rushed to theatre with no time for skin to skin contact. My operation lasted nearly 4 hours. My husband thought I had died as they said I'd only be about an hour.
I struggled with getting out of bed, struggled with breast feeding and even struggled to recognise my baby as my own. The birth had been so quick and the lack of bonding time meant I was in shock for a long time after.
However, the stitches healed and I have not had any problems with them since. Physically I am fine. Mentally I do feel that I should have had counselling and, had I known about the chance to go and speak to the maternity team about the birth, I would have done this. I still get very emotional and upset when I hear about births that went wrong like mine did so I really would recommend you speak to someone rather than leaving it like me. Best wishes for a good recovery xx

@WingingIt101 I think part of the problem was that the midwife I had all the way through went on maternity leave about the time I gave birth. She was fab and I think I would have felt able to talk to her. I'm not very good at asking for help so maybe it is partly my fault but I felt like everything was OK and fairly normal to be in so much pain after everything that happened. I was meant to have physio too but just got leaflets sent in the post.

@leahstella I hope you're OK and little one is doing well!

Oh @Cinders09 talk about perfect storm!
I too just had a phone call and leaflets from physio. I’ve since met (via zoom!) a fantastic womens specialist physio if you don’t mind going private I can pm you get details? Send me a pm if you’d like them!

@leahstella oh I feel you in more ways than one! I had my little boy 8 weeks ago and also had a 3b tear. At one point I honestly thought it would never get better. I remember sobbing at 4 week post birth that I just wanted to sit down without it hurting! It will get better in time. Make sure you’re keeping as clean as you can. Take lactolose to keep your poo soft. Jesus that first post birth poo was the scariest thing I’ve done but it was fine once I got Going. Don’t strain on the loo just sit and wait. If it’s not happening try later. Raise your feet slightly with a little stool too so you’re in more or a squatting position. Hold a tissue compress against your stitches too to help
You feel more secure. All these things really helped me.

You should have been referred to physio from hospital. If not demand that you are. They are excellent and will talk you though recovering and pelvic floor strength. (Ha!)

Also recommend pushing for a birth review. Whilst my actually birth was positive I found the recovery horrendous. So wanted some closure as to why the tear had happened etc.

Rest rest and more rest. Mega important. Physio said to me remember if your muscles are tired so will your pelvic floor be.

Take time to recover. You’ve just grown a human from scratch and pushed one out! You are incredible

@Whatelsecouldibecalled thank you for messaging me about your experience! I hope you and your little one are doing well!

I am able to go to the loo but my anxiety always comes out and I still get really worried about it even though he is now 6 months and I’ve been discharged from the hospital. I had 2 lot of physio which helped and I did what was asked but I’ve still got the worries which won’t go away.

Maybe the best thing to do is speak to my HV which I’m going to do to see if I can speak to birth relations or get some counselling because I feel like it is stopping me something in my day to day life as I suffer with anxiety more since the birth.

You are also incredible, we all are! Us women are very strong!

@Cinders09 oh no, you couldn’t have wrote that could you, especially with having a midwife you are comfortable with! Nothing is your fault, you just had a baby so your emotions were everywhere and I was the same, I found it so hard to talk at the time. My midwife referred me to my doctor who then gave me antidepressants but I still was too scared to talk about it and wished I had now, knowing what help is out there.

We’re doing amazing thank you, my little J is coming along so well and it scary how fast they grow!

@lastburritos thank you for messaging me on my post, I am the same as you, when I hear other births like me it really upsets me because I know how hard it is and I wouldn’t wish this on anyone!

I’m happy to hear your recovered so fast. I was also lucky because I was the same, apart from having a reaction to the antibiotics 4 days after starting them, which was scary and made it all a lot worse.

I hope you and your family are keeping well x