To be brave enough to have another baby?

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My first & only child was born 18 months ago in a rubbish birth, to put it lightly. Theatre, forceps, grumpy doctors & midwives, no fond memories, however that didn't bother me compared to the shit show that next happened. 7 hours after the birth, my baby began having seizures & was rushed to ICU where she stayed for three days until an MRI confirmed she had had a stroke. We got home 16 days later. She is amazing & doing fine. However I found the experience incredibly utterly traumatic. Not just the hospital experience, but getting home, being a new mum, feeling so anxious I don't know how I survived. Anyway. We have spoken about having another baby. My OH says he can't go through that again, & I partially agree but I also find it so sad as I had always wanted 2 or 3 kids. But now I know I would be so anxious they would be poorly, or something similar would happen. Has anyone any experience of this? Any thoughts or feelings? Life is all about risk & anyone having a baby will never know till it's here if it'll be 100% healthy or not, but having had such a terrible experience I'm clearly going to think more on the pessimistic side. I'm so envious of people who just get to go in to hospital & have a baby, come home & then have more & not give it a thought (my Mum agrees, I'm one of 5) I think as no one can tell us why she had a stroke either, I can't put it to bed. I just wondered what people's thoughts were. Sorry for the very long ramble

I had an awful time too and am lucky to be alive but I still wanted another dc. I booked in for an elective c section and it was a lovely experience. It’s 7 years later and I’m so glad I did it.
There are never any guarantees in life but go for what you want.

Thanks Twelvesocks. Glad you are ok & you had a good experience in the end! It's not the birth that bothers me, it's the health of the baby. We had a very scary couple of days before the diagnosis where they thought DD had a metabolic issue, I.e a chemical missing from her body. When we were told she had had a stroke it was actually good news as it's not worsening, as it is with a metabolic issue. I just wish the experience had never happened, it's ruined me.

Hi,

Like you we had a traumatic time, Labour was grim ended up with a episiotomy and ventouse. After the birth my daughter took unwell and ended up in NICU with group b strep and meningitis. Got home 14 days later and no real lasting effects except acid reflux due to the antibiotics destroying her stomach lining. Rough 3 years with no sleep etc like you it wasn't best I was so anxious.

We are have only started to try for another and our daughter is now 8. I really wished we did it earlier.

Hope your OH comes round I keep thinking it surely can never be that bad again 🤣

Good luck

I didn’t have a great birth or immediate time after. I had an emcs. DS will have just turned 3 when dc should arrive by elcs. I don’t think I would have gone through with number if I had had to plan and try. I wasn’t expecting to get pregnant but I did so that was the decision made.

Nowhere near as bad as you but EMCS which they said wasn't a crash section but when the staff jog beside your bed to get you to theatre fast it is worrying. Section was fine, dishcarged after 3 days then I am home and the midwife visits, observes me feeding and says I need to go back into hospital as they think something is wrong.

They thought he had a heart condition, strapped to pulse ox monitors that keeps setting the alarm off every time I breastfeed him. I am feeding and watching his oxygen levels drop. I had to feed him in front of complete strangers as a first time Mum.

Luckily all sorted out, he is fine and a strapping 17 year old. But we did have another baby 3 years later. Booked an ELCS for many reasons. He was a poorly baby with severe reflux but I was much more chilled.

Obviously there are no guarantees in life but I have no regrets. My sister was horrifically ill after giving birth to her first child, but went on to have another.

Thanks for your replies everyone. It's very difficult once you've had a traumatic birth to think of putting yourself potentially through it all again. The irony is, the whole way through my pregnancy I worried about the birth & if I would be ok, I just assumed baby would be fine. I mean it's good in a way I didn't think of it as the worlds number 1 worrier, it would have been something else on my mind for 9 months. But seeing her in ICU covered in wires, tubes, having to have 3 lumbar punctures, an MRI, over 20 blood tests & 3 EEG'S.. it does make me think could I ever potentially go through that experience again. I guess it comes down to how badly you want something but I don't want my 'wants' to be so selfish I could put a baby through that again. So difficult.

18 months is still very soon after the last one.

I had a horrible birth experience. I’m fairly sure I had PPA in the aftermath and my relationship with my husband was really tested to it’s limits. There’s no way I would have been willing to put myself through that again so soon. My son is 3yo now and I’m starting to think about it again, but even now I’m not sure.

Elective c section all the way anyway!

So sorry to hear of your experience, sounds v difficult. I too was jealous of those that waltzed into the hospital to kick out a kid and make it back home in time for tea- Pilates 3 weeks later.
All of my 3 births and newborns were v different. Each time around 36 weeks I fill with anxiety anger about having to ‘go through’ childbirth and recovery again because it sucks and hurts and there is so much uncertainty. Equally until you know baby is ok it’s hard, especially if something had happened before. But once I get through that phase I think maybe we’ll have another

Being a first time parent is challenging on top of everything you’ve said. But you’ve mastered that. If your heart says try for more kids, then do it. We truly have no control over our pregnancies or how our bodies need to birth babies and it’s just part of the difficulty of being a parent. But if you’re done, then find space to discuss and accept the changed vision of your family w your partner.

Good luck

Its very early days OP, I would put it at the back of your mind and see how you feel in a few years. My first was easy, second had an easy birth then he got strep B so we were in hospital a week then out for 3 weeks then he caught bronciolitis and was ventilated and in ICU for a week. We've had on and off hospital visits since as he has a bad lung. If he was my first I don't think I would have a second, it was too traumatic.

My first birth was not great, 3 day of labour followed by emcs. Appalling after care, my pain was getting worse and no one was interested in why, refused pain relief and told I would become an addict. I was along way from that. I had ripped my internal stitches and ended up with spesis. Apart from a few days in the middle at home all of DH 2 week paternity leave was used up in hospital. DD1 has undiagnosed allergy issues as no one would listen to me, a struggled with breast feeding, gave it up and ended up with PTSD symptoms.

9 months ago despite having a high risk labour I got my VBAC, successful bf DD2 and dealt with her allergies. The key difference is I accessed maternal mental health services in the run up to it, I contacted PMA midwifery team, they supported me in appointments with consultant, I had a private tour of the birthing ward and a PMA midwife oversaw my birth. I had kicked up enough of a fuss in a polite but firm way that I received amazing care. I was confident enough and knew how to ask community midwives to come out daily to support breast feeding which they did daily for over two weeks. DH was also prepped to know how to advocate for me without stepping on my toes.

Second birth wasn’t amazing I had to have an emergency op afterwards but the care was amazing. You can always go for an elcs.

Have you been to the hospital for a debrief? Some women find this very healing. Do they feel the stroke was as a result of the delivery?

I’d go for it and have another. Every pregnancy and labour are different so there’s no saying you’ll have such an awful time second time around.

I had traumatic time with dc1 who was delivered by emergency csection, in hospital for nearly a week afterwards and had a few health issues since. DC2 couldn’t have been more different, a few hours of labour, delivered easily (VBAC), at home again in less than 24 hours.

I would say you're still quite early to be thinking about it.
My birth wasn't traumatic, but my pregnancy was (nearly died multiple times) and its only in the last few weeks (DS is 20 months) that I've been able to comprehend the thought of another.

Like you said, I do think it's simply a case of does your 'want' over ride the worry of risk. In my case it does. My want to give my child a sibling overrides my worry of potentially dying.

I would maybe look into some counselling for both you and your husband too, it sounds like you're always going to have unanswered questions re your daughters stroke but talking through the experience with a professional might give you both done coping mechanisms and bring you both on the same page for another.
When DS was I noticed his breathing was fast, midwife dismissed it and kept making me almost force feed him, his nostrils were glaring and his chest heaving for breath. We called in another midwife an hour later and he was immediately rushed to NICU and put on a ventilator with an infection. The hospital ended up doing an investigation into it and at one point we were told he might not make it. I'm now expecting again and I have a lot of secret cries away from DH where I worry it'll all go wrong unexpectedly again, I've gone for an ELCS this time to take out some uncertainty- lack of control is a massive anxiety contributor I think but for me there was never a question of not having another. I hope with what we went through we've earned some good luck for this time

Hideous, traumatic birth. We will never try again. Our little one will be an only and we are cool with that. No amount of therapy or promises would enable me to do pregnancy and birth again.