Birth Trauma and subsequent pregnancies

[WingingIt101]

Hi all

I’ve (very) recently had my first baby and am experiencing post traumatic stress from delivery.

Labour was back to back baby, very slow, epidural (absolutely last resort in my birth preferences due to extreme needle phobia and other impacts of epidural such as being bed bound and increased risks) forceps delivery resulting in 3rd degree tear and retained placenta so 2 hours of surgery the minute dd arrived. Then extreme constipation post birth resulting in readmissoon to hospital to rectify.

Starting to turn a corner thanks to incredible support from dh, mw and HV who has helped to very quickly get a post traumatic stress diagnosis and perinatal MH support in place so I know I’m lucky!

My question is.... we had always wanted two children and wanted them close together (partly due to my age as we’ve left it a bit later to have kids) but I’m not sure I could go through delivery again. Has anyone experienced similar and what did you do?
I’m only 3 weeks post partum so everyone I talk to says it’s far too early to be considering this but honestly it’s a huge part of the stress for me and so to be told “don’t think about that yet” feels dismissive and like I’m glossing over a fundamental part of the trauma impact that I need to deal with.

Thank you

Yes, I had a very traumatic birth with my first, terrified about subsequent births.

Second and third children were elective c section and so so so so so much better!

In fact I couldn't talk about my first child's birth without crying until after I had my second child via c section. It was such a better experience, so calm and predictable, it healed me emotionally.

Good luck x

I had a difficult first birth. Baby got stuck so I needed an episiotomy, then I had a major bleed and needed blood transfusions then baby was transferred to the special care baby unit for a while. I couldn’t even contemplate having a second for a while but I did eventually go onto having another and things were much better second time around xxx

Sorry to hear about your traumatic birth

I had a bad first birth - not as bad as yours, but I have suffered permanent damage - and so this time I’m having an elective caesarean.

Congratulations on your baby!

hi, sorry you suffered so badly. I also had PTSD from brutal forceps.

My first birth was bad, over 28 hours, ventouse, no pain relief. 4 hours stitch up with high blood loss. Didn't get to hold her as they thought I was insane with pain.

I read lots of books to prepare for the next birth. What to do if epidural didn't work etc.

Second birth was horrific, third stage 6 hours. They didn't know that he was b2b, forceps wrong way around, 10lb, incontinence for 6m.

Child 3 fell out. 10lb also, normal labour. Gas and air actually worked! Serious shock. Less than an hour. I had a planned caesarea for the Tuesday after Easter Bank Holiday, but she decided to come on Easter Sunday.

If you can, do cesarean, as you aren't guaranteed a better second birth like they all told me.

I know this sounds a bit like a voice from thousands of miles away but ... don't worry.

I had almost the same as you, but no epidural - I just had the episiotomy and mid cavity forceps with no anaesthetic at all, because there wasn't time.

I didn't have retained placenta etc, but I did have the third degree tear. I couldn't walk for more than two weeks. I had to crawl up the stairs when I got home. Everything was gone. No muscles. Couldn't run for six months.

I had immediate post partum shock - I had an incident where couldn't move for fear for half an hour. Then had severe PTSD. Mine wasn't properly diagnosed until much later, not least because I was too afraid to go to the doctor as totally traumatised by medical environments. I would try to walk over the threshold into the doctors but my body wouldn't let me go in. 45 mins one time trying. Every time my foot went over the line, full on panic response.

I couldn't walk more than about 4/5 paces without being gripped by fear I was about to die. Couldn't be in a car going over 30. Couldn't listen to news as any mention of fragility of life set it off. Couldn't watch a good film or funny tv or listen to music or read a good book as any moment of 'nice' experience gave me a rush of terror. Had to stick to very low key, reassuring domestic things like Ready Steady Cook. That lasted about a year and three quarters, probably as had no medical support and DH hadn't got a clue how to cope.

It was pretty bad.

And, yes, my second thought in the moments after the delivery were, like yours, an awful misery that I wouldn't be able to have another baby, because I couldn't risk my life like that again.

BUT (and this is a big but!) ... within 2.5/3 years, I started to be able to contemplate babies again. My drive was so strong to have another that my fear lessened over time. My DH and I had separated when our son was 2, and as it turned out I then had a long time waiting for the next baby due to not finding the right next partner. But when I did get pregnant (11 years after the first), I was of course newly terrified. But grimly determined! I had counselling and extra checks and scans from my GP and hospital in new area. We even got my birth notes from the first delivery and went through them, which dispelled some misconceptions for me and really helped.

I swam almost every day when pregnant, to be strong and unafraid, and made a point of bonding totally with my daughter while she was still inside. And I researched how women give birth in primitive situations with no medical care. Then I went into the birth not alone, but as a team with my daughter. No interventions or 'painkillers'. Walked through contractions. Gave birth standing up. Apgar scores 10/10 both readings.

Felt like a different person. My faith in Nature and the strength and amazing power of my body was restored.

You will be fine. You will get through this and get there. Quick diagnosis is fantastic, so you can get the support and enjoy your baby now.

Don't worry, I promise you. You WILL bounce back and have more babies. Just give it time.

I had a similar first labour to you... very long, back to back, ventouse and forceps, episiotomy, post birth infection etc. I found it was really helpful to talk about it a lot as I was pretty shell shocked for a good few months after the labour. But once the bleeding had stopped, the stitches had healed, I did slowly start to move on. Babies have a good way of helping you forget the trauma as they keep you so busy and are so damn cute. I remember saying never again, but then I started longing for a newborn about a year later, and I now have a 3 month old. My second labour was also long and back to back; but I felt more in control this time as I knew to ask for pain relief as soon as I was told the position of the baby, and was able to push the baby out without the need for forceps. I healed within a couple of weeks and it was very straight forward this time in terms of recovery, which I'm sure is because I didn't have any interventions this time. So I guess what I'm saying is try not to torture yourself right now about future births. You had a huge, life changing event and are still healing physically and mentally. But you will get through this stage and will reflect on it differently, even if it does take a couple of years. Also there is nothing wrong in choosing a csection next time after what you have been through.

I had ptsd after a traumatic birth. I found e m d r resolved the ptsd after only a few sessions.

Thank you all so much for sharing such personal experiences. As awful as it sounds it’s so good to hear them as nobody ever talks about them - it’s always this perfect magical experience which I’m sure doesn’t help with feelings when things don’t go perfectly!
I’m definitely going to take advantage of the service my hospital offers to go over the birth notes so I can understand it better. The idea of a c section terrifies me for a few reasons but following counselling it may end up on the table. Who knows!!

Thank you - I feel less alone and less weird now!! X

Yes first DS was similar to you - back to back, he then turned and got stuck half way through resulting in 5 hours pushing, spinal and forceps to get him out. It was horrifically traumatic and painful and has left me with severe pelvic floor issues

DS2 was an elective c section due to the issues with my pelvic floor And also because I wanted one after what happened last time

It was amazing in comparison!!! Home within 24 hours and didn’t feel like I’d been run over by a bus. I was off all medication in 2 weeks and felt myself! Healing for me was 100% better

@Ponchek, great post.
And to all, this subject is one that resonates with me also. Even today not everyone realises just how traumatic some births can be. I had a traumatic birth albeit a long time ago. It can stick in your mind for years, and put one off having another child, which is very sad. At least things do seem to be changing and there's more support out there in healthcare, to help enable mums to be brave enough to go on to have more children.

I had an awful birth with ds1 - 38 hour labour, very painful induction via the drip, no epidural but pethidine which made me feel very weird, 3rd degree tear, pph of 3.5 litres, was under general anesthetic for I think 5-6 hours after delivery being patched up and having blood transfusions. Then in HDU with tachycardia and sepsis. One of my overwhelming feelings afterwards was sadness at not having another, much like you, as I just knew I couldn't go through it again! Anyway, when ds1 got to 1yo my broodiness kicked in and we decided to go for it! Fell pregnant with dc2 and automatically was referred to a consultant. Went through my birth notes and discussed all options and ultimately had an elcs 6 months ago. It was such a healing experience in so many ways. Much easier to recover from, much calmer. It was so nice being handed dc2 in theatre and he then never left my side again. We were home the next day. I'm so glad I did it!

I had every intervention under the sun with my first- meconium, epidural, ventouse, enormous episiotomy that gave me quite a lot of problems afterwards, PPH, baby to NICU, 5 day hospital stay, huge breastfeeding problems for the first 6 weeks... it was an absolute shitshow.

I was determined that the second time would be different, as much as I could control it. I had a fast, uncomplicated homebirth and it was the best experience of my life. I didn't want to get too hung up on the idea that my second birth would be "healing" and "empowering", because what if it wasn't? But it really was. Second births are usually so very different to first ones, in a good way.

I'm so sorry you had this experience. I elected a c section with my first for no other reason than I wanted a calm and relatively predictable birth with a team of professionals focused solely on me for the relatively short time involved with the surgery.

All this to day that elective c section is absolutely an option under the right Trust and hospital and your reason of a previously traumatic birth can only help. I would recommend doing some research about which hospitals near you follow NICE guidelines about allowing maternal request sections and (ideally) have it actually written into their own hospital policy so that you can rely on it and insist they follow it without too much fuss. Check out BirthChoices as a starting point. You can self-refer to a hospital that has that policy if you choose.

I'm sure other people will have different opinions but it might be reassuring for you to know that that option is available to you should you want it.

Ah sorry, I've just seen your later post! Hope the info helps a bit anyway!

I put my horrible first birth out of my mind and it only resurfaced when I got pregnant with DC2. The only way I thought I could avoid the birth was a CS and has to get it agreed by the hospital. They agreed but also diagnosed me with PTSD and was offered a counselling session.

It was with a midwife who we discussed step by step my first birth and she explained why some decisions were made and then also agreed with me on other reasons why I was not happy. In no way did she stick up for the hospital. She then did some meditation with me to help me file my birth in a different part of my brain, so not to forget but to store it somewhere it wasn't so prominent. I felt so much better after all this as luckily it worked for me.

A month later I had a ELCS which went with no complications. I was out the next day and back in the park with my toddler the next.

I don't think about either birth now, all my nightmares have stopped and feel so lucky that this worked for me.

I hope you find the supper you need

My first birth was horrendous- induced, 67 hours from start to finish (yep 67!), ventouse, huge episiotomy, horrible ptsd and flashbacks, difficulty bonding with my daughter etc. Took me 10 years to even consider having another (during that time had pnd support, high dose of antidepressants and left my dds dad and got remarried). I then had a second and went for an elective c section which was absolutely amazing and I would recommend it to anyone. Even though I had an unforeseen complication- undiagnosed placenta prévia- it was still 20000 times better than my first birth and I recovered far more quickly and painlessly. (At least I could sit down comfortably)!

You poor thing! It’s an absolutely awful situation, not least because you are in pain and traumatised, but also because you feel robbed of the calm birth experience other people get. None of this is your fault, sometimes it happens, shit as it is. And it might sound trite when people say it’s too soon to think about it, but it really is. You won’t always feel this way, but it’s ok that you do now.

So, you asked for experience. DC1: traumatic delivery. 47h Labour, spontaneous rupture, slow progression, eventual induction, insane pain (back to back baby), epidural (good choice under the circumstances), baby in distress, busy theatres so in room forceps (probably would have been a CS otherwise), baby delivered flat, refusing to breathe, intubated and removed to NICU. Room full of people rapidly emptied, we were left alone. I saw him about 4h later and only because a dr friend came up and kicked off. I was left with horrible stitches, and a broken coccyx, and (undiagnosed) trauma and PND. So I know a little bit of how you feel, and again 2 babies were part of the plan from the start (might not have done it again otherwise).

I had considerable pain for months after delivery. It must have been at least 6 months before I let DH anywhere near me. Somehow, things faded by the time DS was about a year, and when he was 14/15 months we talked about trying again. We conceived on our first attempt and have a 23 month gap. This was good in many ways because it meant we hadn’t had time to think about delivery. I was also very lucky to work at a large university with a strong midwifery department. After a random chance encounter with a student midwife (in the pool changing rooms of all places) I was asked by my midwife if the student could caseload me, which was wonderful. I had weekly sessions with her and that gave me a lot of needed attention during pregnancy. We also did birth afterthoughts to better understand what happened last time.

DC2 delivery started similarly, with a prolonged rupture but ended so differently. Key differences were that I made the decisions. I asked not to have the drip if at all possible, and they gave me a bit more time. DC2 was delivered in the pool after a 21h labour, we had a physiological 3rd stage, a few stitches and I went home 6 hours later to sleep in my own bed. I was absolutely terrified, but it was actually quite a healing moment for me. Hopefully it will be for you too.

The only reason we have DD2 is she was conceived accidentally very quickly after dd1s horrific birth (trauma mainly from how badly the hospital treated me to be honest). Midwife was livid when she heard what had happened and booked me in for the other local hospital where, apart from the birth trauma midwife who snarled at me "if you've come asking for a section don't even bother", I was treated amazingly and it reinforced to me how fucked up the first birth had been and that it wasn't anything I did wrong that meant it ended up that way.
I'll be honest - the pregnancy wasn't great and I had awful pnd which took a long while to clear but now I have two kids with 11 months between them (I don't carry pregnancies to full term which makes that gap smaller than it should be) who are incredibly close and both alternately fabulous and irritating as hell!

Domina "If you've come asking for a section don't even bother"

God, that is APPALLING! Not even the being against ELCS but the attitude! Who did she think she was?! I hope you pursued a serious complaint against her. I would have been utterly livid if someone had spoken to me like that on any topic when I was under their care.

Honestly struggling to take that in!

Thank you all so much for sharing your stories - I’m so sorry you had to experience the traumatic parts but also grateful that you’ve shared as it’s given me perspective and hope for the future.

I think I know deep down that I will have another child and honestly I’d go through the exact same experience to get them if that’s what it took but the risk to my own sanity plays on my mind.

I’m definitely perusing the birth listening service which I think is the same thing some of you have described - understanding it all feels like step one for me!

Thank you again xx

One way of looking at a traumatic birth is the idea that it’s unlikely to be as bad/worse than this one and you got through this, so you would survive the next one. That idea kept me going at least

Like you I had a back to back labour in the midwifery unit-baby quite big too. 26 hours and the pain was the same when I was admitted as when I actually gave birth. I feel the midwives waited as log as they possibly could before finally conceding I needed a ventouse delivery and episiotomy.Only had gas and air/injection which were not that helpful. Resulted in exhaustion, hallucinations, OCD and intrusive thoughts after birth. Nurses on ward spoke to me like I was an idiot too. Two years later, insisted on epidural in the maternity suite and it was a completely different experience despite needing operation straight after for a tear. Bonded with baby quicker, breastfed successfully, remembered my own name. Childbirth is serious shit and I totally understand where you are coming from. Equally it can be very manageable for half of us so it's no wonder we aren't fully prepared for what could happen. I'm just here to say it can be a totally different experience second time around xx

I had a traumatic guest birth. I became pregnant 19 months after my first. Tbh I am 39 and my ovaries were screaming and I had the overwhelming desire to have a second child. Tbh I was terrified when I found out I was pregnant. In my head the desire for a second child outweighed having a second traumatic birth. However, I had to be very firm with the midwives about how bad my first birth experience was and what will/won’t be consented.

I had a third degree tear after a shoulder dystocia with my first birth. Went into labour in the middle of the night at 40+0, laboured in the pool at the hospital and then he got stuck after his head was born. The plug was pulled, I stood up and gravity brought him down and ripped everything to shreds. Nine minutes between his head being born and the rest of him. I had a spinal in theatre to have it all stitched up.

With my second pregnancy, I requested and was granted an elective section. I was booked for 39+6 due to how the dates fell and other bookings. However I went into labour spontaneously at 38+6 and progressed quickly (four hours start to finish). When I arrived at the hospital, the surgical team was doing an emergency so I gave birth vaginally an hour after arriving. Baby was a pound and half heavier than first one but the midwife was very hands on and I only had a couple of stitches. I was home before he was twelve hours old. In hindsight, I’m glad I didn’t have the section but I didn’t know it would be like that when I requested it.