Scared of having second birth :(

[Needadviceplz]

I'm 36 weeks now and starting to panic about labour. I don't know how I want to give birth. I had an epidural last time so feel like I didn't give birth if that makes sense at all. I know stupid.
I had a second degree and a episiotomy with a vontuse to get my baby out.

Was in hospital for a week both me and baby had an infection and I had a bit of a break down as couldn't sleep for days. I was convinced the epidural and pethidine made me loose my mind as I really didn't feel like myself after. Although I have no proof of that.

I want to have a natural birth but terrified ill have a fourth degree and all the intervention but be able to feel it. I have so much scar tissue I don't feel like I could possibly stretch. I'm getting so anxious not knowing what I should go for. I want a more positive birth this time as I really hated how medicalized my first was and how I couldn't move in labour and think it contributed to my having pnd. I'm convinced that maybe I wouldn't of needed so much intervention if I didn't have an epidural.

Sorry if that doesn't make much sense.
Can people share their experiences of second births please?

Thanks so glad I posted been debating too but was worried I'd hear loads of horror stories but been complete opposite!

You've all really lifted my spirits and now actually looking forward to the labour. Slept well last night for first time in ages.

I'm going to keep my options open and just see how I feel with regards to pain relief.
I didn't get on with gas and air but didn't really give it much of a go or breath properly with it if that makes sense.

My first was horrific, the second I downloaded binary sleep tones, laid on my left side every night with a pillow under my leg and breathed slowly to the count of 20 in and 20 out, imagining a balloon filling in my tummy on the breath in, and pushing it out and away on the way out. Every night fell asleep that way, learnt it from a hypnosis thing book.

When I went into labour with my 2nd I did it, was so in the zone I got to pushing stage without realising, made the silly mistake of getting in the car anyway and had her at the side of the road near the hospital .

3rd did it again, and despite the fact she was back to back and chin up, she got stuck, I managed to stay calm and have a natural delivery with little intervention. So even if things go sideways it helps centre you so you feel in control.

Good luck!!

The gas abs air didn't work at all for me first time - nor put together right. It worked well the second time

I know this is WAY too late as this was a few years ago but I really hope you went to see a women’s physio for your scar tissues since your births. They will be able to sort out the tightness and pain for you! This is really not encouraged enough unfortunately because it’s such a quick fix.