FTM anxiety and depression I don’t family to know when I’m in labour.

[FairyLashMother]

Hi!

FTM here in last 10 weeks of pregnancy.
I’m getting increasing anxiety about NOT wanting people to know when I’m in labour.
But my Partner doesn’t seem to understand and think it’s weird.

But these are my reasons:

1. First labour can take days, even with possible induction on the cards, I don’t want me or my partner to be bogged down with people asking “baby here yet?” Plus how long before before everyone starts wanting to know more details (people are nosey)- such as “well what have they done so far, what’s the next plans etc” Or then start off loading there experiences or loved ones experiences- well we had to have such and such done etc etc.
   
   As a professional in the health care field am I very protective of personal information: interventions and things that are being done to me and my body during labour, birth or post birth, (unless in an extreme circumstance ie I can’t communicate) that are happening to me it’s my choice to share that information not anyone else’s. (Hell you can sue a professional for that kind of breech).
   
   I don’t want to be giving people a blow by blow account of how many cms or if I’ve had a sweep etc. That’s a personal areas that’s already going to be exposed to all manner of medical professionals. It is no business of anyones outside these people and my partner and possibly my mum (it even makes me cringe my dad knowing certain things).

2. I get so very anxious about people seeing me Ill
   Or vulnerable the idea that people are gonna see me a hospital bed, emotional, feeling like I’ve been run over about a truck. It’s giving me sleepless nights- and then to have people visiting and want to take my new bundle off of me for “cuddles” when I may not be ready it freaks me out!
   I want people to come round when I’ve been able to have a few hours just me and my partner time
   for us both to freshen up bond with OUR baby. For me to feel some what human.

3. Ultimately I think it’s an incredibly vulnerable time for any woman to go through.
   But an incredibly intimate time for couple to go through.
   It’s the last time they are just that a couple
   It’s a time to concentrate and be there for each other in the moment
   Early baby bonding experiences are so important for both baby and mother and father

But also if I didn’t want my partner there- i would be with in my rights to say so (I wouldn’t do that to him though)

The only people that seem to understand is my best friend whom has had 3 babies and my mum.
And ideally this is the maximum outside my partner that I would possibly want to know.

But it’s making feel like I’m being a selfish child or making a completely unreasonable request.
I might be immobile, have iv lines hanging off me, catheters sticking out, they’ll be check up after, check up is too much to ask my privacy is respected until I am ready for people to know? Then if i want to share gory details in all there glory I can?
Ideally I wouldn’t have ANY visitors until we are home but that’s another story.
I feel like it’s now causing tension between me and my partner.

From a professional standpoint as a patient it’s also my right to be able to control who i want to tell things too.

It’s getting close to me having a full blown breakdown about it all.
And scream “it’s my body going through this”
And it’s “our baby”

I’m the person that doesn’t even like hugging people outside my partner and my mum.

Advice moving forward.. other then to tell me I’m not going crazy 😝 because I’m really starting to feel that I am. 😢

Good grief. If you don't want anyone to know until it's over just don't tell them.

Just put your foot down with your partner - no he cant tell anyone until after the baby is born. That's not an unreasonable request.

However I also think you need to calm down and maybe speak to your midwife or a counsellor about your sleepless nights panicking about people seeing you in a vulnerable state. Do you have a bad relationship with your in laws or other family members?

No one will know your in labour unless you want them too.

No one will be allowed into the labour ward even if they were to find out somehow and turn up. Mine only allows partner and 1 other person to be with you in top of midwives

Also if you don't want visitors then tell them once you're up on the postnatal ward. They can't just wonder in so if you say no the midwives will stop them seeing you

Also agree with PP you need to discuss this level of anxiety with your GP or midwife. I understand not liking being seen when Ill or vulnerable but reading your post it's seems to be on a much deeper level

You don’t have to tell anyone. And if you do tell anyone you certainly don’t have to be giving them a running commentary through labour. “On way to hospital, turning phone off now, will let you know when there’s news.”

Just don't tell anyone. I certainly didn't feel as anxious as you but equally didn't want anyone to know as it felt private and special and I especially didn't want to feel rushed or pressured. I had home births then told everyone after a few hours, clean up had been done and midwives had gone home.

However, I really don't understand the angst here, just turn your phones off. I can't stand people who text blow by blow accounts of things anyway - train is 7 mins delayed/(30 secs later)/now 8 mins delayed/(1 min later) ooh its regained some time, now 5 mins behind schedule - FFS just tell me when you've got a definitive ETA!

Lots of love and luck.

Thank you.
It’s my OH I’m having the issue with, as he doesn’t seem to understand

Thank you @rockingaroundthemulberrybush

Thank you @53rdWay

Thank you @commoncoot but I can assure you they are already aware.
Unfortunately i have a history of being abused in my past that’s kinda where it all stems from xx

Thank you @RhymingRabbit3 all my professionals are aware of my feeling but I appreciate the advice: I have a long standing history due to a situation when I was younger x

It's absolutely your right not to tell anyone or have anyone else there. You really shouldn't need a long list like this -- it should be enough to say this to your partner and have him listen.

What's his problem? Does he want to live tweet your labour?

I'm gonna give him the benefit of the doubt and suggest he doesn't understand what will happen in childbirth and the difficult/vulnerable position you will be in. An antenatal hypnobirthing class for the two of you might help. The one my partner and I did focused a lot on how my partner had a really important job during labour: being in charge of making sure I was comfortable and my wishes were being respected (like he was the project manager and I was his client).

Does he ignore your point of view in other parts of your life as well?

You don't have to tell anyone anything, wait until you've had your baby. However don't start thinking the worst, you may find you go into labour spontaneously and have a straightforward birth. It's best to think positively and no one has to be induced until they are two weeks over, I don't have to tell you that. You'll find yourself being busy and preoccupied a couple of days before birth and not a bad idea to have a good curry and anything else you fancy to move your bowels.

I hope all goes smoothly for you. It did for me, went to hospital when waters broke at 4.30 am and my baby was born just after 6.30am, no drugs. I had been in labour during the night at home but coped with that quite well, walked about etc. Small episiotomy which was stitched and gave no problems. Home next day.

May you have the same experience. Congratulations, having a child is exciting! Tell your husband not to give out details and just to say all is well. Apart from grandparents willing to help at your home, quietly, no visitors until you're ready.

Every mother gets anxious as due dates approach but you seem to be diverting normal concerns about what the delivery may hold in store into conjuring up very specific, dramatic negative scenarios involving other people.

Is this due to watching too many fly on the wall programmes about maternity wards or reading reading complaining threads here about families with bad senses of boundaries ? Or have you seen any of this already enacted with your close family ?

You don’t have to engage with any of it. You can let people know you are going into labour - or not - and then stop replying to inappropriate enquiries - if, indeed, they happen.

A hypnobirthing class might help with your anxiety as well. I've seen mixed reviews for them on this board (some people were upset about being or promised a pain free labour that didn't happen).

I imagine they vary in quality but the course I took didn't promise a pain free birth, but was more focused on giving the tools to both partners to manage the big day (whatever curveballs might come up)

Also, as for your partner thinking it's weird, I didn't tell anyone when I was in labour (except for the emergency childcare when baby #2 was coming - no way around that!). I have also never receive been told while anyone else has been in labour.

I'm sure you could fill a massive thread with people saying the same thing to show your partner. You really shouldn't need to though, it should be enough for him just to respect your wishes

I totally understand you OP. With regards to point 2 and 3 I literally just would say to family/friends that you want to wait for visitors at home when you are all settled. Let's face it, visitors would probably prefer that, no parking charges, no plastic uncomfy chairs etc. But I will warn you now I had 2/3 weeks of visitors at home none stop, it nearly broke me. If I did it again I would tell people I was too tired or feeling unwell to hold them off for a while. Surely your partner would understand that and not have a problem with that?

Point 1....I was advised by my midwife to not tell people my due date which I ignored but looking back now was great advice so people weren't constantly asking. Luckily for me I was a few weeks early so people weren't expecting it. My waters broke at home and the only people my husband called after a few hours were my mum and his mum. He then didn't update them until I had to go into hospital (I planned a home birth but progression was too slow) and just said I was fine and was still in labour . He then called them when the baby was born. Nothing about sweeps or cm or anything like that. I'm not sure why that information would be shared? Also you won't even look at your phone and he probably won't much either so you won't be in contact with anyone really.

Going forward can you text around a lot visitors about waiting and give your husband the strict instructions of people you want to keep briefly updated? Please try not to worry OP. You honestly won't have time to be answering calls/questions from people anyway and if they don't even know you have gone into labour you'll avoid that anyway.

Best wishes.

Morning, didn't want to read and run.

First off, I'm sorry your having a hard time at the moment.

I was in similar position as you with not wanting people to know I was in labour, just for fact I didn't want 3000 texts asking is baby was here etc.
Due date came and went so I was already getting those texts. Then I had an induction which only a few people knew about the actual date.

Day 1 of induction, nothing happened, day 2 nothing happened and the hospital I was in had limited reception so most people who had messaged me when I didn't reply guessed what was going on.

And to be honest, I was that bored in hospital when I did get reception I actually ended up telling some close people and found the support and motivation they gave me really helpful.

I understand in your case its a bit different. With not wanting others to see you vulnerable the only people in room will be you, your husband and the mw. And in the moment you are not vulnerable, you are strong and your body is doing an amazing thing. You are bringing a new life into the world there is absolutely nothing vulnerable about that.

And once baby is here you will realise how strong and amazing you are for bringing a baby into the world. No one will look at you and think how vulnerable you are. They will look at you and be amazed at how brilliantly you brought your beautiful baby into the world.

You got this.

And tell your husband its your choice who you tell or he won't be told either. 😂

My family wanted to know when I went into labour. I told them no as I would be busy. I knew that family would be expecting updates. Apparently there would be plenty of time to text. I said no. I reminded them that would probably go into labour in the middle of the night and that they wouldn’t want me calling them and waking the whole house in the middle of the night.

Went into labour at 2am. DH rang them at 10am once baby was safely here.

Would you consider a home birth? You really don't need to tell anyone that it has started, just call the midwives round and announce when it's done.