Think I may still be traumatised by labour - does it go away? (long - sorry)

[bumperlicious]

Ten weeks on I still think about my labour. It didn't go too badly, but wasn't how I wanted it.

The delivery unit was full so I had to give birth in a little room on the antenatal ward, which meant I couldn't get off the bed "because of the carpets"! It all went quicker than expected, 7 hours, 2.5 hours of pushing with just gas and air and a tens machine. DD had meconium in her waters and had to be taken away briely for suction, and was born with the cord wrapped around her neck.

I'm not sure it's even the pain that bothers me, just the feeling of the whole thing, and the exhaustion of it. I never worried about giving birth before I did it, but I worry more now to the point where I'm not sure I want to get pg again.

I went over my notes afterward, but it hasn't made me feel any better. Could I still be a bit traumatised by the whole thing?

I felt the same as you and so did a lot of my friends. I felt somehow cheated, that I didn't get the birth I wanted {didn't have a birth plan or anything) it was induced etc. It does pass though, overtime. I found talking about it to my friend and mum helped immensely. It's very early days yet, don't worry this feeling will pass.

OH, I also tore quite badly and had to have stitches top and bottom (yeuch!) and a catheter while they were stitching me up so they didn't stitch my urethra.

I know it doesn't sound that bad compared to many other people's experiences but I feel like I just want to erase the whole thing from my memory.

What you are feeling is completely natural, I felt quite trauamtised and worried so much when I was preg with dd2 but the 2nd time around was no less complicated, but I felt so much more incontrol and calm, the first time is such a huge change, in every way, dont be brave tell anyone who will listen how you feel about it.

Hi bumperlicious,
You're not alone, my DD is 10 months and I'm still driving DH nuts about it (and probably most people on this board too ). I can't get the memory of the counsultant laughing at me out of my head. He found it amusing that I was so scared of instrument delivery, did an episiotomy without my consent, and ruined my sex life. Then DD almost died. She's OK now , but the shock and exhaustion are still wedged in my memory. I'm getting counselling to try to get over it. Could you do the same? My GP referred me, so it's on the NHS. I'd also like another baby, but discussion of it drags up all the old issues still. My counsellor's "goal" is to get me to a state where it's possible for me to get PG again.
Good luck.

Could you not get off the bed because you worried about the carpets? or because you were told to be careful of the carpets by the HCPs? (I'd be VERY interested if it was the latter)

It sounds as if you might have felt unsupported in labour, as if you were not the most important person in the room doing a fabulous job.... does this sound right? You were put in a side room, thus making you feel unimportant, not worthy of labour ward. If you felt you were more of a bystander to the process or as just an incubator to the baby, that can leave you feeling a deep sense of anti-climax. It's all happened but you didn't get to feel like you deserve to, as this special, beautiful woman who nurtured, grew and then triumphantly birthed her baby. Is this right?

I may have got it all wrong so please excuse me. I do think you should perhaps Contact Birth Trauma as Loopy suggested. You may think you don't deserve to feel as you do cos the birth wasn't as traumatic as some, but it's YOUR trauma and you deserve to have your feelings validated.

Have a (((((((((hug))))))))))), it's not nice to feel this way when you're supposed to be enjoying your new baby!

Hi klaw, thanks for the post. I couldn't get get off the bed because the midwife was worried about the carpets.

I'm not sure if what you say is the case. I can't explain why it still bothers me. I just didn't like the feeling of giving birth. Also I am a bit of a perfectionist and I just remember the disappointment in the room every time I pushed and dd wasn't yet out (or I perceived it as disappointment). I remember I kept saying to the midwife am I doing it right, what could I do to do it better? I guess I had certain expectations about how it would go and how it would feel and it didn't meet those expectations.

I'm not sure what will make me feel better about it. I'm not sure going over it will help - I just wish I could forget about it. I remember taking DD to the clinic at the hospital a couple of weeks ago and getting shivers down my spine being so close to the place where it all happened.

I have lots of sympathy, as I also didn't get the birth I wanted. If it helps, i do still think about it but now its in a more analytical sense and as if I'm talking about someone elses trauma. ( I spent 33 hours at home, 5 in my birthing pool, only to end up having a c-section under general anaesthetic because the epidural failed.)

oh ffs! The mw possibly put fear in your mind and made you definitely uncomfortable! The sodding carpets don't matter, they can be replaced.

Therefore you were ill at ease, therefore labour felt wierd. You were expecting to be perfect cos the mw wanted the carpets to remain perfect. Therefore you felt imperfect when baby was being born and didn't think it happened right.

Labour is not perfect, there is no right, it is a normal, physiological process that awakens the animal within. You were doing marvellously.

Talking about your experience, acknowledging it, accepting it and then moving on is what you need to do. Just forgetting it is likely to allow it to resurface when you least expect it...

But know this, you didn't have the right conditions to birth in and were let down by the mw but by God, girl you did it and had a labour that actually sounds fairly positive, well done!!!! How you feel about it now is not your fault, and I do hope that you can work your way round to seeing the positive. It will take time, you need to deal with your disappointment, it is a valid feeling, all your feelings are valid.

Don't be too hard on yourself! (((((((Bumperliscious))))))))

Did you talk to anyone straight after the birth about your feelings? Even just talking about it to friends and family can make a huge difference, just for them to acknowledge you had a rough time can help. Its only natural to go over the ifs and buts of the situation, especially when things don't go to plan.

I have talked about with some people. My DH says I did really well and was really calm and coped brilliantly. That makes me feel betterBut I am scared to do it again - not that it's something I will have to think about for a long time!

Thanks for the messages, I will just have to see if it dissipates in time.

Bumper... you need to de-brief babe. You need to fully talk your birth story out. You can email me if you like. Do you still have the addy?

Do you think that will help? I will email you (still have the address) but it'll be in a couple of days. I'm going to my mum's tonight because we are having an antenatal meet up tomorrow!

Thanks marslady

i had a very traumatic birth too and the HV to be honest wasnt much help (shrugged her shoulders and said "you arent the first person to give birth!" - THANKS!).
However my hospital did a birth listening session, basically i went to the hosp they went through my notes, explained what happened and why, picked up on some issues which were done incorrectly and took further action.

I felt a lot better after as i knew it wasnt just me and there were people to blame for the mistakes!

Perhaps there is a group like this at your hospital?

Yes Bumper... it will help. It's one of the things that I offer to my clients and I've seen the difference it makes to them.

I'll wait for your email babe.

It will fade in importance bumper. But you obviously experienced it as a traumatic event and that is not easily recovered from, so I do agree you need to talk it all through.

Because 'everyone' gives birth and because women are basically coping and getting on with life (no choice, is there!) it is easy, I feel, for people to dismiss the level of trauma experienced. And to forget that the experience needs to be ACKNOWLEDGED.

For example, I had 50 hours of very, very painful labour which ended eventually in a crash CS under GA. Even after 50 hours of very regular contractions, I only ever made it to 7 or 8cms dilated. It was, literally, hell.

When my GP visited for his standard post-birth check up he listened to my story and shrugged his shoulders, and said "oh yes, that sounds about normal".

What he was referring to was that once the hospital 'allowed' me to be in labour (when I reached 3 cms two days into my contractions) I then dilated about 1cm every hour or so.

That was the only thing he noted.

Forget the fact of the shocking traumatic pain borne for days, and the fact that ds was in severe distress by the time I DID get to 8cms.....GRRRRRRRRRR!

Sorry to post such a long one, I just wanted to say to you how important it is that people acknowledge what you've experienced. It makes it harder to cope with if you feel people dismiss what you've gone through. So make sure you tell people how traumatic you found it, and that you need to hear from them that they can acknowledge that.

Good luck.

Yes, it will get better, but talking to someone will definitely help, as has already been said. It took me about 18 months-2 years before I stopped having nightmares/flashbacks and although I sometimes shudder when I think about it, it's no longer the all-encompassing thing that it once was.

bumperlicious I know were you are coming from , I have many a thread on having trauma related to birth. PTSD wasn't diagnosed till I was pregnant with no2 , but I knew thats what I had had. I was treated mainly for severe PND and given medication. As others have said you need to have a de brief (when you are ready) with someone either at the hospital or a willing gp at yuor practise. Its also worth speaking with the patient liaison service at the hospital to get some help and see if there are any PTSD/PND grps voluntarily run at the hospital.

I feel your pain and anguish , and I know it will be hard to stomach the notes and all what happened , but facing it and talking it through is the 1st step. I know you may feel like burying it all and walking away , but PLEASE know that this can be dealt with and give you so much ease and peace. Its best not to leave it , as it will bite you hard when you need to be together for a 2nd pregnancy. I waited 3yrs and suffered an awful few months of 2nd pregnancy due to not dealing with it sooner. It should have been a joyous time , but I looked in the mirror at my growing bump and felt sick as a dog in more ways than one !!

Do everything and anything you van to talk it through ,tell people and get help, the most dynamic approach is the best, so use any means necessary and hit it from all angles.

another step is to find, through recommendation, is a practitioner using EFT (1st used on soldiers who suffered extreme shock and trauma), its a really progressive therapy using tapping techniques and statements to ease you through the anguish and moving it down several scales. This is ONE of the things I used when pregnant again and it was the most amazing transformation. I went from absolutely terrified and numb to totally excited and proud, 2 really apposing ends of the spectrum for the same situation. I used it in conjunction with hypnobirthing, (after several months of hypnotherapy after dd1), training and that combination was extremely powerful and healing. I went on to have an amazing 2nd birth and despite complications I still see it that way.

Have a look at these web sites, there are some people to ring and speak with. They will also have a list of the symptoms.

birth crisis

birth trauma

EFT

hypnotherapy CD for recovery may help to get more peaceful sleep. If you want I can send you my post natal CD ?????

For futre ref ; hypnobirthing

You will get through it, Im here to tell the tale and hopefully help others through it too.
xx

bumperlicious,
I've seen Klaw on here and Mars, but if you want another person to be-brief to, please email me on
jopowell1 at yahoo dot co dot uk

I'm a Doula, and also on the Birth Trumatic Website

Can I second/third the debrief - work through it not wait for it to go away. I luckily saw a thread on here about misdiagnosis of PND as most of my 'support network' thought that might be the case as I just didn't feel right and would burst into tears sitting on the couch but the biggest thing was that I would have flashbacks about events and things I 'should have said' which might have changed outcomes.

I am so greatful to have found that post because as soon as I read the differences I new it was post traumatic stress disorder and took myself to the doctor for a referral.

After two sessions with the psychologist I felt like this huge weight was lifted from my shoulders.

One of the things she said which hopefully might help you is that when you are in labour your brain is so busy dealing with the pain and what is happening in your body that you can't think like you normally do.