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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

Original poster

Who did you have present at your birth?

39 replies

Dangertime · 06/11/2019 07:06

DP and I are just starting to talk about birth plans (24 weeks) Baby #1 so dont know much. I'd like my mum to be there but he isn't sure especially as she lives a 2 hour drive away. I wondered what other people do? Is 3 a crowd? Would there be time in a normal labour for someone to drive that far to come be there for the birth?

OP posts:
MissRabbitNeedsAHoliday · 06/11/2019 07:10

I had my mum with me, but we are really close and I couldn't imagine her not being there. She was a great help for dp too, as I was in labour for days and in hospital on monitoring so she was helping out and collecting things, making sure he had told and stuff too, as well as emotional support as he was starting to get stressed. Every labour is different but I think with first babies it's usually longer and you should in normal cases have plenty of time for a 2 hour drive I think. Ultimately its what you and dp feel comfortable with. Would she be a help or would she just get in the way?

Mrsmememe · 06/11/2019 07:11

First labours are generally long enough for you to be able to get your mum there.

EmmaJR1 · 06/11/2019 07:12

I just had my husband (and two midwives obviously). To be honest most of the time I only wanted him and some of the time I wasn't aware of who was there.

It was a really nice private thing for us to share.

My sister had my mum there as her husband is a wee bit squeamish (🙄) but she said she worried about my mum worrying!
We had very different births though. Hers were 29.5 hours and 15 hours. Mine were 6.5 hours and 36 mins.

There probably will be time for her to get there but it really depends on whether your husband can fully support and advocate for you. And if you want to share this with her.

Your husbands feelings obviously matter but ultimately you are the one doing the hard graft, it's your body and mind that will be permanently altered so in my humble opinion you get the final say.

toomuchfaster · 06/11/2019 07:16

I only had DH and only wanted DH. I couldn't imagine DM having driven the 2hours to be there. That's quite a drive to then be supporting you for another 30hours!!

Original poster
Dangertime · 06/11/2019 07:18

Thanks I'm a bit nervous cause so far babys measuring big so find mum having done it 4 times with large ones comforting. We're close too so I think she'd be supportive but I guess you cant tell until it happens what she'd be like. I think DP worries about her taking over since he doesn't know much about childbirth or babies

OP posts:
TillyTheTiger · 06/11/2019 07:19

For my first birth I had Mum and DH and it took four days so there was plenty of time for her to get down (she lives 3h away). She was completely indispensible, especially as things went a bit wrong and we had to be rushed into theatre and DH panicked as he's massively squeamish so refused to come with me - if Mum hadn't been there I'd have been alone!
Second birth I'd planned to have Mum and DH again but DH went off to work after I'd been having contractions for two hours as he was expecting it to take ages again - baby was born two hours later so he missed the whole thing and Mum was my only birth partner. She was magnificent. And she said afterwards it was the greatest honour of her life seeing her grandchildren born.
Have whoever you want at the birth - this is about your preference not your partner's.

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 06/11/2019 07:21

Just my DH at my first (officially... I gave birth alone in a hospital room after DH ran to find a midwife/doctor when I suddenly realised the baby was coming right at that moment)

Then my mother second time round, while DH was in Afghanistan with the army (plus 2 midwives and a trainee... They weren't leaving me alone for a second with a history of very quick deliveries!)

mrssunshinexxx · 06/11/2019 07:22

From reading your op I would have your mum you need who you need to get you through I know it sounds a bit selfish but it's going to be the hardest thing you ever do (and most rewarding at the end ) xx

I realllly want to have both my mum , mil and dh I don't think anyone is allowed 3 though are they?

AuntieMarys · 06/11/2019 07:26

Dh missed his children"s birth so it was me and the midwife. Which was absolutely fine.
I personally would be a crap birthing partner.

ineedaholidaynow · 06/11/2019 07:27

Just had DH, felt it was a private moment for just us becoming parents.

I had 6 hour labour but it started at midnight and we ended up getting to hospital at about 3am, so if you have similar you might not want your mum driving in the early hours of the morning.

Samsamsuperman · 06/11/2019 07:28

DH only. Can't imagine anyone else there - it's a very intense, unique and deeply personal occasion.

alwayscauseastir · 06/11/2019 07:42

Just my OH. I think I suggested it to my mum for the arrival of my first child and the look on her face told me she didn't want to be there. And I'm glad she wasn't, it's a very intimate moment and I'm not sure if I'd want to see my daughters giving birth either when the time comes.

Original poster
Dangertime · 06/11/2019 07:54

@ineedaholidaynow I hadn't thought about the logistics of it being the middle of the night!

@alwayscauseastir I haven't mentioned it to her but I think she'd want to though I am not sure as I guess it would mean taking time off work and a bit of a drive. But who knows maybe she'd be grossed out!

OP posts:
LaBelleSauvage123 · 06/11/2019 07:59

Just DH at hospital but my mum was at our house when I went into labour with DS2 and it was so lovely to have her there - she was SO calm! Actually my MIL was there too, but she very sensitively stayed out of the way.

CherryPavlova · 06/11/2019 08:07

First one was my husband plus obstetric consultant and registrar, midwives, anaesthetist, paediatric consultant and SHO. About sixteen in total.
Delivery rooms should be large enough to accommodate your mother too. I wouldn’t have wanted my mother there but plenty do.

AmIThough · 06/11/2019 08:08

I just had DP but to be honest the midwives were actually amazing and even if you had to do it on your own you'd be ok.

I don't think your moms experience will actually benefit you but if you want her there for support then ask!

My community midwife tried to encourage me to have my mom there which was weird because she doesn't know about our relationship and she wouldn't have been any help to me.

Eminybob · 06/11/2019 08:14

DH and midwives. I can’t think of anything worse than having my mum there, she irritates the hell out of me at the best of times Grin

But you obviously have a very different relationship with your mum so if you think that it would be a comfort to you and she and your DH are happy with it then go for it.

Nat6999 · 06/11/2019 08:18

I had my then husband & my mum, but only my mum came in to theatre when I had my emcs as husband had not been long diagnosed with MS & his mobility was poor.

AnotherEmma · 06/11/2019 08:23

There will most probably be time for your mum to get there, if you decide that you want her there.

This is your decision, you will be the one giving birth.

In the past birthing was mostly a female-only affair, with experienced women (mostly mothers themselves) supporting the birthing mother, and the father waiting outside the room.

In theory it's a good thing that fathers have become involved in the process, if the father is able to be supportive to his partner, it is of course wonderful for him to be present at the birth of his child. However, fathers shouldn't be insisting on their rights at the expense of the needs and wishes of the mother. He does not have an equal say.

"I think DP worries about her taking over since he doesn't know much about childbirth or babies"
Has he (or is he planning to) read any books about pregnancy and childbirth? Will he be attending antenatal classes with you? He can certainly educate himself to support you as best he can. However, it's not a competition between him and your mum. If she is able to support you as well, that's a bonus. If he's worried about "competing" with her due to his huge and/or fragile male ego, I would not be too impressed.

FWIW my mum wasn't there when I gave birth (I didn't think I wanted her there) but I wish she had been. I cried with relief when she arrived (shortly after the birth). DH did his best but in hindsight I would have appreciated her being there too.

Lsquiggles · 06/11/2019 08:26

I had my DH with me and at first regretted not having my mom there but when I ended up having to have an emergency c section I was glad I'd chosen only him as he is a calm and level headed person unlike the women in my family Blush

Babdoc · 06/11/2019 08:26

I had my DH, obstetrician, midwife and paediatrician.
DH fainted on the floor, so, as the baby was fine, the paed resuscitated him instead!
I was no contact with my toxic mother by that time, but wouldn’t have dreamed of having her present.
MIL came up on the train and did all my chores for me for a week, as I took a 6 hour discharge from hospital.
So much depends on your relationship with your DM and whether you feel she’d be a support or a hindrance. My narcissist would have made it all about her.

nocluewhattodoo · 06/11/2019 08:26

I was living in my parents house when I went into labour, so DP my mum, dad and brother were all present from 4am-8pm when I went to hospital. My DM drove us to hospital and just DP stayed. DM,DF and DB popped in just after I'd given birth to drop off my special pillow I'd forgotten to pack. I was naked, covered in blood, legs akimbo - DB had quite a shock.

If I had my time again, I'd do it alone with just the midwives, DP just pissed me off and ate all my snacks.

Nat6999 · 06/11/2019 08:27

I figured my mum had done it twice, plus she knew how I was with pain & how scared I was of hospitals, I had only been with my husband 2 1/2 years & only married 16 months, I needed someone who was a calming effect on me. I don't know how I would have managed without her during the birth, the days after when I was in high dependency & when I came home & was suffering badly with PND.

AnotherEmma · 06/11/2019 08:28

^That's exactly what I mean. Selfish men have no place at the birth.

AnotherEmma · 06/11/2019 08:28

Darn cross post, I was responding to noclue