It's a year later and I still think about my baby's birth every day

[Alicia870]

She's almost one.
I feel as though there was life before birth, and life after birth. Obviously life has completely changed anyway since having my first baby. Just the fact I've had a baby makes life completely different. But her birth was so overwhelming in so many ways, that I just can't help but dwell on how she actually came into the world.
It was 50 hours from first contraction to the moment she was born via ventouse and episiotomy. I had been sent him from hospital twice before they accepted me in. I had no sleep in that time. I was so shattered. I ended up with an infection and haematoma in my stitches. I was so bruised and swollen. I was in so much excruciating pain for so many weeks after. It got much worse before it got any better.
Why do I still think about it every day? I haven't spoken to, met or heard of anyone who had the type of labour I had. But we anytime I spoke with midwives afterwards I was assured it was normal. They told me it was normal to feel as though there were heavy bricks in my pelvis for months after delivery, to not be able to turn right or left because my body was so tense and sore,to be bruised black down as far as my knees, and so swollen my bum was twice the size it usually is. I know people have much worse deliveries and I'm so lucky to have a healthy baby. But for something so beautiful and perfect, she came into the world in such a brutal way.
I really want another baby but so afraid this could happen again. Physically I've healed but it was a long road to recovery and so hard because I've met noone who seems able to relate to this. So over being so hung up on her birth :(

I had a strange birth - opposite in that it was too quick and baby ended up in ITU for 3 weeks. I definitely had some sort of PTSD for 6 months ish.
I opted for an elective c-sec with my second. I know some people have trouble with c-sec, but I was absolutely wonderful with it. No issues at all, no pain, out and about quickly. Very nice indeed!

I think we've normalised crap care for labour, birth and the postnatal period and combined with the prenatal trend of coming up with a birth plan to delude us into thinking we have any control over the process it's no wonder so many of us are traumatised.

Wholeheartedly agree with this.

I don't agree that planning a birth contributes to birth trauma..... and I speak as a former Hypno birthing teacher who had a traumatic birth.....
If the OP had made a birth plan, would that mean the midwife, HV words after her birth would've been any less hurtful and cause any less stress??

Birth is treated the same as going for a manicure... that is the issue! As someone said up thread, if men had to deal with the aftermath of a birth not gone to plan, a lot more would be done and people would be more sympathetic and supportive. But we are told from a young age that it's birth, just get on with it. Millions of Women have done it blah blah.... which is a load of bollocks.

Just like any patient in hospital, they should be treated as an individual patient, whose feelings should be taken into account. Yes emergency decisions have to be made in seconds to ensure a positive outcome, but there should be help and support for those who have to deal with the aftermath.

OP you do not have to live with this hanging over you, you do not have to go on feeling this way at all. There is help out there, it's not always easily accessible but it is there.
PM me if you want to talk more xx

OP, I think you do have PTSD. Thinking about it so frequently would suggest you do.

I believe I have PTSD too relating to birth. Very different to yours - went to hospital feeling a bit under the weather, had emergency section within two hours as one twin wasn’t moving. Lots of bad things happened from there, including not seeing my babies for 7 hours and being sure one had died as no one told me. Two months in hospital for him compounded matters.

I would ask your HV about what support is available to you, or call your maternity unit. Provisions are improving for birth trauma in most areas. I hope you can get some support.

Otherwise look into EMDR, very effective in situations like this.

@BertieDrapper it's interesting hearing the same from your perspective.

Hope you don't mind me asking but do you think hypobirthing is helpful still? Or did your traumatic birth change your views?

Also I am yet again feeling angry and sad reading all these stories. It's outrageously common and I had no idea until I had my own baby because it just never seems to get talked about openly or listened to by anyone. I guess until you've experienced it first hand you don't know or think about it.

DSis had a fractured coccyx after birth - agonising , unable to sit,
My worst part was when they said would I mind if some students came to see the doc take a blood sample from baby's head ( which turned out to be v painful for me as was in labour)
So I was on a table on a drip legs up in strrups showing my shaved fooff (this was in the 80s) and gigantic swollen piles to the world and the look of utter disgusted horror on the faces of about a dozen supposed students lives with me still.
Upshot was I had Ds2 16 months later. It had all been ghastly and I thought if I don't have another straight away I never will.
Thing is I am A DGM now and you just don't want to scare others with your horror stories so no one hears them.
Yours sounds much worse than mine and the care sounds poor and lacks any empathy. I think opening up to someone might help so counselling is worth a try, otherwise it is time that helps it fade.

@ShrimpingViolet

I did hypnobirthing for my DD birth, her birth was not anywhere near what people assume a Hypno birth to be.

It was after her birth I trained to be a teacher.
Not because I wanted to sell women a birth with candles and pain free 🙄 but because I think women should be more informed about what decisions they can make, what risks are involved etc .... it's all well and good a dr/midwife saying you should do this or that .... but they never tell you risks involved in doing this/that or of doing nothing!

My waters broke and I had no contractions... I was offered induction the next morning, they tell you to be induced due to the risk of infection.... but they don't tell you the risks of the induction... so you are not able to make an informed decision. And That is what is soooo important!!! Being informed and that is why a birth plan is suggested.....when you make the birth plan you learn about the decisions you could be faced with and hopefully look into what risks are involved in each decision.

That's what I used to teach anyway. Not every teacher is the same, and some are very pushy about natural birth etc.

Sorry OP didn't mean to hijack your thread.
I do hope you reach out in RL and get the help you deserve x

Sorry to hear your still struggling. I'm a cognitive behavioural therapist and regularly work with ladies like yourself after a traumatic labour/birth. Please speak to your go about going for some trauma focused therapy, either emdr or cbt. Counselling wouldn't be recommended as counselling isn't used for trauma, good luck xx

Hi OP - just wanted to say I really feel for you and think your experience is way more common than HCPs will let on.

I had almost the opposite - I birthed twins very, very quickly - but because of some pretty bad pre-existing MH issues and because it was so fast staff missed the birth, I was left with some really difficult feelings. I went over and over obsessively every time I'd asked for help and been dismissed or ignored. It eased when the twins turned 1; they are 19 mos now and I still think about it every few days but it's less intense and I no longer have self-destructive thoughts.

People on here always say about going to see your GP, but my problem is, I reached out to HCPs during the pregnancy and labour and was repeatedly ignored and patronised. I just cannot risk the same thing happening again so I'm choosing to manage my symptoms myself. I think the long-term physical and mental damage women are just expected to get on with is a massive feminist issue, and it's why it pisses me off so much when people say things like 'birth is just one day' or 'how your child arrived isn't important'. It fucking is if it leaves you in either physical or mental pain or months or years afterwards.

You take care OP.

I had a horrendous experience having ds, pre eclampsia, failed induction after 48 hours in labour, emcs, pph, ended up in HDU with HELLP syndrome, no aftercare when moved to post natal ward. The day after I got home, I took a shower & caught a glimpse of myself in the bathroom mirror, I looked like I had been in a car crash, I was black & blue from mid thigh to under my boobs, my arms looked like a drug addict's. I collapsed on the bathroom floor & cried. I still have nightmares around ds birthday & suffer from hospital phobia, any hospital treatment since then I have had to go to a private hospital under the NHS. If a woman turned up in A & E looking like I did & said her husband or partner had done this, the police & courts would be involved, but it is entirely normal for women to leave hospital after giving birth in this state & with no aftercare other than a cursory glance by a midwife. This shouldn't be acceptable in this day & age.

I have really long labour to, but my ones where induced. The big difference between us is that I pushed for more which the hospital staff were happy to oblige with. I'm diabetic so I agreed to early induction because I didn't want a stillbirth. I had 6 rounds of gells, which caused contractions but no dilation. I was very silly and navie. My water broke during a ve so I got hocked up on the drip. I got the epidural after it became to much. In the end I got a c-section. Because my body refused to get more than 2cm dilated. Three days later my dsis drove me to walk in centre, because I had symptoms of uti. The dr asked to see my scar and the shocked look on his face was surprising. He then started asking about domestic violence and in the end he had decided that I bruise easy and handed me antibiotics for the uti. Two weeks later I returned as my scar was opening up (a small infection) that doctor was also astonished by how black and blue my body was. Said something about how I should complain, they shouldn't treat me like that and how my body with deserved more respect ect. I of course left it as it was and when I had ds3 via c-section and I could have sit up without help. That was eye opening. I could get off the bed without having to rely on my arms as much. Yes, the scar hurt but my stomach muscle were working! I just needed to mind the scar and I could have flexibility. I could have gotten of my bed without help, that is when I realised that yes, something was wrong last time. I also remember dh walking in on me staring at the mirror and searching for black and blues bruise but being unable to find them.

I don't bame the staff that wanted to help me get the vaginal birth I wanted for the state, I ended up in. But I saw the difference in how staff working in labour ward and walk in clinic treated me. Every birth is different and even though both were c-sections, they both had their own challenges. Having a good birth is not only about surviving, but being listened to and respected. If you are experiencing problems afterwards you should not be dismissed. I know vaginal birth can and is more difficult for some. It is just stupid to say at least you didn't have c- section. Just know that it is most likely the same people who say c-section mothers have the easy way out.

In terms of longevity, I did have a vbac with my middle son, whose induction started on a Friday and he was born when it just turned Wednesday. Because of earlier c-section I was given less but allowed more freedom (he was dead). I received lot of care and sympathy. They listen to me and helped me birth him in a wonderful manner. That birth was amazing. My baby was dead but I got to meet him and say goodbye to him there. That is not the staff fault but they were tripping over themselves to help and bring me & the people who visited comfort and politeness. My dh talks about how welcomed he felt then. Things were explained and my decision was respect. Had wanted vbac for him and even though I was offered c-section from the start, I was running this birth and the doctor and midwives were there helping me. I remember saying I'm not going to take my baby home can you help me have the birth I wanted for him? That is what a maternity unit is supposed to do. Help birthing mothers give birth. Not, judge and decide what is best for them.

I hope you feel better soon, I know birth trama leaves scars. Ps I hate my ds3 birthday as it is the anniversary of a terrible physical trama but I'm fully able to separate my love/ gratitude that he is with me now. I really love the day he came home. I rather celebrate that than his birthday. Which we have been doing but I know I would need to change it to his real birthday for his next one as he would know his date of birth now.