It's a year later and I still think about my baby's birth every day

[Alicia870]

She's almost one.
I feel as though there was life before birth, and life after birth. Obviously life has completely changed anyway since having my first baby. Just the fact I've had a baby makes life completely different. But her birth was so overwhelming in so many ways, that I just can't help but dwell on how she actually came into the world.
It was 50 hours from first contraction to the moment she was born via ventouse and episiotomy. I had been sent him from hospital twice before they accepted me in. I had no sleep in that time. I was so shattered. I ended up with an infection and haematoma in my stitches. I was so bruised and swollen. I was in so much excruciating pain for so many weeks after. It got much worse before it got any better.
Why do I still think about it every day? I haven't spoken to, met or heard of anyone who had the type of labour I had. But we anytime I spoke with midwives afterwards I was assured it was normal. They told me it was normal to feel as though there were heavy bricks in my pelvis for months after delivery, to not be able to turn right or left because my body was so tense and sore,to be bruised black down as far as my knees, and so swollen my bum was twice the size it usually is. I know people have much worse deliveries and I'm so lucky to have a healthy baby. But for something so beautiful and perfect, she came into the world in such a brutal way.
I really want another baby but so afraid this could happen again. Physically I've healed but it was a long road to recovery and so hard because I've met noone who seems able to relate to this. So over being so hung up on her birth :(

Speak to a doctor and seek counselling.

Life is tough but you need to be able to deal with it. I don’t mean that to be mean. I say this as someone whose own childbirth experience was not at all breezy.

It sounds like you have PTSD but I’m no expert. You need to speak to a health professional.

Sorry to hear this OP. That does sound like a very traumatic birth, and it is not normal that you were so battered and bruised afterwards. Have you thought about going to your local Birth Afterthoughts service? Your hospital should have one.

I went to one a few years after my first (traumatic) birth, and spoke to a neutral midwife. She went through my notes, agreed with what I thought hadn’t been managed well, and made me feel so much better about it all. Having a professional acknowledge that the birth WAS traumatic and I wasn’t being ridiculous for still being upset about it, really helped me. It sounds to me like you have PTSD, which is not uncommon after a traumatic birth.

I have since given birth more than once more, and it has all gone much more smoothly. I think your body is much more prepared the next time, and kind of “knows” what to do.

Sounds like you went through such a trauma. I'm so sorry. I feel medical professionals really do underplay how traumatic and dangerous giving birth really is. Have you spoken with your GP about this? They may be able to offer you some counselling to work through it.

I've been to a debrief already about it about 6 months ago. It was helpful to some extent, in that she acknowledged it was a difficult birth. But I still had a lot of 'long labours are very normal with your first baby' and 'you probably bruise very easily'. Which I didn't find particularly helpful. She acknowledged I'd be discharged too soon and that I probably should have been admitted on my second attendance to hospital, 35 hours into 'early' labour.
However I still feel that none of the professionals I saw were really that empathetic to just how horrific the birth and recovery was. I don't think I have PTSD as it's not that severe that it's impacting my daily life (@ReeRi I am dealing by with it, I'm working and raising my beautiful girl). But I just can't help but relive it, ponder on it, question it, feel angry, feel let down, feel isolated, misunderstood, unheard.
Sometimes I just feel like letting this all out. I don't want to bang on about it to anyone else in my life

Totally understand where you're coming from OP. I started a thread not long ago about how women's bodies seem to be treated as an afterthought through the whole process.

There really seems to be an attitude of "just get on with it" which I certainly don't think would be the norm if men were left traumatised and with terrible injuries after a physically and emotionally exhausting experience.

I think it might be worth considering further counselling, but I know that might not be practical or appealing. Just wanted to say you're not alone and it's more than okay to feel like you do.

But you got through it and are being a brilliant mum to your girl, so you've more than got this

Please look for a birth trauma therapist!

I have no other advice but that..... you need to speak someone trained to help you deal with this.
X

Thank you @ShrimpingViolet very kind.

I think what has triggered this post is that today in work a few ladies were talking about birth as a girl in work is pregnant and it came up in conversation. Someone asked me about mine and I just said oh it was awful- and she said did you have to have a c section. When I said no it was like oh well you were lucky u didn't have to have an emergency section. She said after her c section she couldn't drive for however many of the weeks so was stuck in the house for so long. And I felt again like the wind was knocked out of me, as my recovery took months and months after a vaginal birth. Never mind driving, I could t walk comfortably for weeks. At my 6 week check with my gp I could barely sit in the waiting room as I was in so much pain.
I just don't understand how it seemed to be so physically damaging and seemed to be brushed off my so many professionals.

I think there does seem to be a mindset of "it was a natural birth so that's fine". I had a C section (not emergency, but after a long exhausting battle) and recovery was fine really.

My friend who had a natural birth with a much smaller baby had a fourth degree tear and has been completely brushed off by midwives/GP afterwards. I do think it's terrible how women are treated.

I haven't spoken to, met or heard of anyone who had the type of labour I had

My first labour was 54h. Sent home from hospital once and they wanted to send me home on second admission but they let me stay (birth was about 24h later). Ended with a non-working epidural, ventouse and episiotomy.

So fairly similar to yours.

DD is now 15 and I've gone on to have 3 other children. I'd rate this first birth as second easiest of my four labours.

At the time I felt the labour/delivery was hideous. Hindsight allows me to understand that having nothing to compare it to impacts my perception, it actually wasn't that bad.

I'm not sure that will help you. I replied just because my first birth was very similar to yours and you said you'd not come across similar. In comparison:

DC2 was long (26h) but with working epidural was a wonderful experience

DC3 wss also a long lobour (23h) but without an epidural. Mistake because the lack of pain relief made me panic. I consider this a worse birth than DC1

DC4 was by far the most traumatic (for me and DH). After 8h labour, dropping heart rates, panic, a crash emergency c-section under full general anaesthetic. My husband was treated for post traumatic stress in the months following - he thought we were both going to die and he'd be left as a single dad to our other 3.

This was my worst birth experience. In comparison, i came to realise DC1 was a long, but not too bad birth.

Hi OP, just wanted to say I had a similar experience with my first baby. I had an extremely long early labour too, sent home several times etc. Ended up with forceps and episiotomy, but my recovery wasn't too bad - sorry to hear yours has been so terrible.

I also couldn't stop thinking about it and talking about it. It got worse as my DD's first birthday approached, it was a horrible reminder, and I felt so guilty about feeling sad about her first birthday.

I didn't really think I had PTSD either as I didn't really have flahsbacks or anything, but I was kind of obsessed with it and was extremely upset about it for a long time. I eventually had counselling and it really did help, I'd recommend this. I had always wanted another baby and this was another reason I wanted to have counselling. I hadn't realised how badly it had affected me until I started the counselling and really reflected.

I've recently had my second. Unfortunately I had a long latent phase again! Fortunately however, because of what had happened before I insisted on having a plan in place should this happen again. So in the end it wasn't too bad and I felt much more listened to.

I think there can sometimes be a oneupmanship about who had the worst time of it. This is pointless, and just because someone may have had it worse than you (or thinks they did!), adoesn't mean you aren't allowed to feel this way. Please talk to your GP about counselling

OP - I read this and thought this sounds totally horrible and you had a rubbish time. If you had written this about any other Medical issue everyone would be appalled. I don’t know what is the right approach for you to work out how to deal with this - another counsellor sounds like a good idea But I really wish we could stop acting as if these physical traumas are just run of the mill because they are connected to birth. Congrats on your lovely baby and getting back to work and life. And good luck with whatever you decide to do next.

I have no advice but just wanted you to know you're not alone in the thinking about it so often. I had a completely non-traumatic birth, I'd go as far as to say I actually enjoyed having the experience of labour. It was 23 hours and for 22 of those hours I had the loveliest midwives ever. They changed 45 mins before DS was born and the midwife they delivered him was horrible. She was very businesslike. She didn't make me feel safe or confident. I don't remember her smiling or congratulating us once, even after everything was done. I don't remember her being positive or kind or telling me I was doing a good job. I felt like an inconvenience to her.
I struggled to push the placenta out. It took quite a while. After we realised it wasn't coming out, she told me if I didn't push harder and get this placenta out, I'd have to go to theatre, she told me this whilst laughing and smirking. I remember shouting at her, telling her I was terrified and didn't know what was going on and saying to her how dare she laugh at me.
She then had to stitch me up and I could feel it. I kept wincing and telling her I could feel it and she kept rolling her eyes at me.
DS is 7 months old now and I often think about her and how negative she made me feel.
You're not alone in feeling how you feel.

I had a similar birth for my first and I also relived it each day. I ended up having #2 quite quickly afterwards and I do think that in some way that decision was linked with an attempt to process what had happened. The second was completely different (unplanned homebirth after an exceptionally rapid labour). I don't think it was till baby #3 that I actually fully dealt with the first birth- and the thing that helped was a mw acknowledging that the first birth had been mishandled.

Interestingly DH was deeply traumatised by birth #2 which is the one that i felt invincible after.

I also had a really difficult first labour & delivery. It was 82 hours from first contraction to birth. I didn't sleep at all in that time. I had all sorts of people doing rough internal exams, sticking probes on DS's head, and treating my body like a piece of meat. I ended up with rotational forceps (which they dont even use any more) and an episiotomy.

Every time a midwife came to check my stitches they took a sharp intake of breath and said 'ooh you're very bruised'. Several midwives told me in recovery they thought c sections were preferable to what I had gone through. I felt totally violated and brutalised by the whole thing.

My recovery was also really hard and I was on antibiotics for 4 weeks due to various infections. I remember being hysterical when the midwives came to weight the baby the day after discharge from the hospital. I hadn't slept for 6 days straight by that point. I don't think there's many people that have experienced that sort of sleep deprivation. My whole body hurt, i honestly felt like I had been hit by a bus. It was such a crappy start to motherhood and I thought about the birth all the time, so I can totally relate. Writing down every detail and how I felt about it, what I wished I'd said really helped me process it.

My second birth was better. Not amazing, 33 hours and ventouse but it's the one I think about 3 years later for all the right reasons. I was terrified in labour though but my midwives were lovely and understood completely.

I'm so sorry, OP. I think birth trauma is something that people really don't understand very well. You're expected to just be grateful that neither of you are dead and to "get over it".

I wish I had an answer for you. I wasn't able to access any professional help beyond a debrief with a midwife. My GP was hideous, he all but laughed me out of the surgery.

It does get easier with time. I went through a traumatic labour that was very badly managed and had fairly serious complications post partum. I had panic attacks for well over a year and still have nightmares and can't talk about it without crying. I also had lasting physical damage which took over nine months to resolve and I needed physiotherapy.

It does get better. It starts to fade and feel less raw. My DD is 16 months now and I'm just about at the point where I can start to gradually make peace with what happened and what was done to me.

I really wish birth trauma was better recognised and I wish maternity services were much more adequate. I should have had an environment where I could feel confident that I was safe and had dignity and privacy and could access pain relief and most importantly where my safety and my baby's safety wouldn't be gambled with on a lack of resources and staff. But I didn't and from speaking to other mums, this is a huge problem for many women.

I'm sorry for your experiences, you're not alone.

I don't think I have PTSD as it's not that severe that it's impacting my daily life

I had severe ptsd and although I felt stressed and sad sometimes I functioned perfectly in daily life. I was quite surprised that they diagnosed me with severe ptsd. However, after the therapy and EMDR I feel a million times better. Maybe you are like me and just good with going on with life, even when mentally you're not ok.

I had unrelated counselling a few years back and wish I hadn't waited so long to talk to a professional about what was bothering me.

If it's still on your mind so much, talk to a counsellor.

I gave birth 9 weeks ago. Although my labour was quick (very quick) and I didn’t have instruments like you, I was stitched up by a midwife who misdiagnosed my tear as less severe than it was, developed a haematoma in the stitches due to the poor stitching, had to be rushed to theatre (without my son) to be unstitched and have it evacuated, where they discovered it was actually a third degree tear. So although our experienced weren’t the same, I get you.

It was incredibly traumatic. And the recovery has been terrible. The bruising was absolutely awful. The senior midwife who checked my stitches said it was ‘the most bruised one’ she’d ever seen.

I could hardly walk for 4 weeks. I still feel as though I’ve been hit by a truck. My stitches haven’t healed properly and I need further surgery. I know exactly what you mean about bricks in the pelvis. At my follow-up appointment the GP asked if I’d had sex yet. Sex?! Currently I’m wondering whether I’ll ever have sex again in my life!

I also feel very bitter about repeatedly being told that the recovery from a vaginal birth is easier than a section, both before and after I had my son. I’m sure that’s true of a straightforward vaginal birth. It’s certainly not true of one where inept midwives make a mess of the stitching.

I don’t know how to tell you to move past it because I haven’t moved past it, but I think we are allowed to feel traumatised. I’ve found there’s very much an attitude from medical professionals of ‘get over it, get on with it’. Even the first reply on here is ‘life is tough but you need to be able to deal with it’. If you’d suffered injuries that severe in an accident, I just don’t think people would dismiss your feelings in the same way, even a year on. And I’m convinced men wouldn’t be expected to ‘get on with it’.

You may find this advice page useful, from the Make Birth Better campaign website:

www.makebirthbetter.org/for-parents-1

Hi OP, I felt similar to you after my first. I didn't have such a long labour as you but mine was 38 hours and ended in severe tearing and a PPH (I lost 3.5litres of blood). I felt awful afterwards - my tear, which had to be patched up under GA it was so bad - was so so painful. I couldn't stand or walk properly for about 2 months. I actually used to cry getting in and out of bed because I couldn't do it without aggravating that area and I certainly couldn't go in the car as the seats were too hard. I was also left bruised and battered (not just my bits but also my arms were bruised from shoulder to wrist from all the drips and machines I'd been hooked up to in HDU and my stomach and legs were bruised from injections) and at the time I actually felt quite embarrassed by the state of me - all my nct friends had had their babies with seemingly few issues and even the one who had an emergency c section was out and about before me. I felt like I was making a huge fuss over something everyone else had found easy! What has helped me is time. I'm now pregnant again with my second and have been over my birth notes with a lovely consultant who said I had a terrible time with my first and she had no problem booking me in for an elective csection. It was so nice to hear from a doctor that what I went through wasn't normal or to be expected and I wasn't being a wimp! Perhaps you could go over your birth notes with someone? Or seek some counselling? Either way, I hope you feel better soon.

I had a section and natural and found my body took longer to heal after the natural. Don't compare your experiences to others though, as people do lie. I remember saying to the midwife when I was in very long slow labour that all I had heard about were people barely making it to the hospital before baby popped out etc but she said that most people lie. Some people see it as a competition. It does sound like you had a particularly hard time though. I definitely didn't have it as hard as you did. I've always heard (but don't know first hand) that second labours are easier. Obviously that's probably a generalisation and not every case. I would definitely seek advice on your options for next time though. Maybe ypu could have a planned section?

OP you went through a very traumatic event and that shouldn’t be minimised. It wasn’t a straightforward “easy” birth, it was frightening, very painful and certainly not something that it would be easy to move past even if you were able to heal reasonably quickly, which wasn’t the case either. Definitely seek counseling, proper counselling, and it may take a few attempts to find someone appropriate who can help you.

I'm so sorry you had a traumatic experience. I work a lot with the trauma and the impact it has on our brain. It is easy to minimise but trauma really just is any experience where we have not been able to cope with the amount of stress we are experiencing because of an event or series of events.

It sounds like there is some kind of lasting trauma experience for you because you are thinking about it so often - even if you're able to go about your daily life, your brain is making you re-live it because it is trying to process the event so that it can put it in your long term memory.

I'd also encourage you to look for a trauma therapist who could help you. You don't have to think about it for the rest of your life. You're definitely not alone, and I hope you feel better really soon. Birth is completely nuts and without a doubt there is not enough support for those who have had traumatic births.

Thank you everyone. It's so great to see such good support as this isn't something I've come across in day to day life.when I said I haven't met anyone whose labour was similar to mine it's not because I think mine was the worst it can get at all. I know people have much worse experiences where life is literally on a knife edge. Overall, mine was fairly straightforward aside from the fact it was long, instrumental and needed episiotomy. Which I'm sure is all not that out of the ordinary.

I think what upsets me the most is probably the recovery afterwards and how dismissed I felt. I also had every midwife who checked me gasp, and one said 'they've done some amount of hacking with those scissors' and one arrived one morning saying 'oh god- you're so bruised', I just assumed it was normal. Being in the exhaustion of early motherhood, breastfeeding, dealing with visitors etc I just felt like all this was happening to me and I was drowning- couldn't come up for air. I felt like I'd been beaten up but felt forced to be brave and at the end of the day 'at least you have a healthy baby'. My husband was a huge support in so many ways but he was a first time dad too and besotted with his little girl. We've spoken since about how I didn't feel he fully understood just how fragile I was, as he invited visitors to come in streams 3 days after she was born. His mates and their girlfriends who I felt had no awareness of the hell I was enduring. I felt so embarrassed trying to hobble up the stairs to feed my baby in peace, breathing deeply to avoid bursting into tears and trying to cope with the shock of the heaviness I felt every time I stood up. It was just humiliating and isolating.
It was just the hardest time of my life in so many ways. I will consider counselling but if I didn't get someone who was understanding I think it would make me feel even worse!

I think we've normalised crap care for labour, birth and the postnatal period and combined with the prenatal trend of coming up with a birth plan to delude us into thinking we have any control over the process it's no wonder so many of us are traumatised.

I agree I'd seek help to process this trauma.