37+4, on maternity leave, panicking about birth

[faelavie]

I'm 37+4 weeks today. I finished work to go on maternity leave a few days ago and for some reason, being at home "waiting" for the birth has ramped my anxiety up to the max.

I think when I was working I was so focused on work that I barely even thought about the upcoming birth. I was looking forward to maternity leave so I could have a bit of a rest, hopefully ease my back pain, and catch up on Netflix until the baby arrives.
But it hasn't been like that at all. I can't focus on anything else... Just the fact I have to go through what will likely be the worst pain of my life. Can't even think about the "light at the end of the tunnel" in which I get my baby at the end of it.

I posted a little while back asking for help deciding whether to go to an MLU or the hospital for the birth. Now I'm pretty much certain I want the hospital because I am freaking out about the pain and complications and I want all the drugs I can get.
Then I start freaking about possibly being refused drugs or there not being anyone available to give me an epidural.

Saw midwife on monday and told her my fears. She said it's basically too late for a referral to the mental health midwife now. And it's certainly too late for an elective c-section - my local Trust doesn't offer them except in exceptional circumstances and it has to go in front of a board and takes a load of time that we just don't have now.
I wish I'd dealt with this sooner, I feel such an idiot.
Probably didn't help that my baby was breech for ages and I assumed I'd get a section anyway... But then baby decided to turn themselves around a week or so ago, so that went out of the window and the realisation that I'll have to push it out of me became very apparent.

Based on how I've been feeling, I decided to purchase the Positive Birth Company's hypnobirthing course, to see if I can try to calm my mind.

Is what I'm feeling normal, or am I going mad??
Please feel free to tell me I'm being stupid, I really need a kick up the backside and to stop feeling this way.

I think this is quite normal and I wouldn’t dream of giving you a kick up the backside. Although I think your midwife could have been more reassuring, from the sounds of it - fair enough to say there are issues about referrals in the time available but did she try to reassure you at all?

Hypnobirthing sounds like a positive step. Would it be worth looking to see if you could find a private therapist for one or two sessions, or perhaps a doula for a one-off chat about your fears?

So as part of the PBC digital pack you get access to the Facebook group where people post their positive birth stories. I’d recommend you have a read, there is so much positivity on there, especially from people who had births which didn’t go to plan. This group made me feel so much better in advance of my birth.

You're not being stupid at all, and you did the right thing speaking to your midwife, it sounds like she wasn't very reassuring. Giving birth is scary, and so much of what might happen is an unknown til it actually happens, which makes it harder to rationalise things too.

Just one thing to keep in mind though, regarding being worried about being in the worst pain of your life. Your contractions won't last forever, the birth won't last forever. It may well hurt, yes, but it will pass.

It Will Pass.

Knowing that got me through my labour which was long and hard, terrifying and painful and exhausting, and didn't at all go to plan. And was one of the most incredible experiences of my life, when it was over I felt like I could take on the world.

Thanks so much for the replies.

Although the midwife seemed sympathetic, I just felt like her hands were tied tbh. She asked if I'd done the hypnobirthing course they offer there but I said I couldn't afford it (£120) so she suggested I look up some techniques, which led me to the Positive Birth Company. She also said that I can ask for an epidural early when I get to the labour ward, so that they have time to sort one.... I don't know if it'll happen though.

I'd love to see a therapist privately but, unfortunately I just don't have the funds, my maternity pay is very poor and every penny we've saved has to be kept back to make up for my drop in income.

I am trying to repeat things to myself like "it will pass", "I am built for this", "contractions are temporary", "my body knows what to do" etc, positive affirmations, as I don't have much choice but to try and stop the negative thinking at the moment. Reading positive birth stories does help, but it only takes an unhelpful comment from a relative or friend to set my anxiety going again. People love to talk about their bad experiences it seems. :(

Birth is a terrifying this I recently had my first child and the labour wasn't easy at all but everyone is different it's normal to feel scared but it's all worth it once you see your little one for the first time, your midwife sounds about as helpful as mine was but you probably won't have her for the birth and you tend to find the ones in hospital are one million times more supportive. Honestly try not to stress too much it's over quicker than you think I found research was my worst enemy you read horror stories when in fact that usually isn't the case. I would read about your pain relief options though it might help you ease up a bit and the best advice is try to be open minded. Hope it all goes to plan for you 😊

OP try to remember birth doesn't actually last that long. It's not a walk in a park but the likelihood is the worst bit will be only a few hours. Your body kind of takes over.

It's so easy to focus on labour and not think about things like how to feed and care for a baby! You don't get a little holiday before you get stuck in after birth, if I were you I'd be focused on that side of things rather than birth.

I know it's hard, but trust that once it starts, your body will take charge and you'll be caught up in it all.
The female body is a miraculous thing and knows what it needs to do (as long as baby plays ball)

I have a low pain threshold, a really low pain threshold. And yes, it hurts, its silly pretending it doesn't, but I survived it. I had no pain relief at all until I was already 6cm and before you know it, it's over.
People go back and do it again so try and focus on the fact that what you get at the end of it, far outweighs what you have to go through to get there.
Use the positive birth company to help instill knowledge and understanding of how your body works and what it is capable of.

I was induced, gift to 10 cm without any pain relief and then had gas and air for the birth. Your body will amaze you. Pm if you need to. Best of luck, oh, and as a pp has already stated enjoy this time before the craziness starts!

*got to not gift!

I think it's totally normal to start worrying. I gave birth for the first time 10 days ago so it's still "raw" for me. I would advise that when labour starts try and get some food and water in you if you can. you need your energy. pain can be controlled through breathing, a bath at home or tens machine if you have one until your dialated enough. Contractions are uncomfortable but they don't last long and you get a little break between. I found it all manageable until I was on my last 3 pushes but I lost control and went into panic mode but it lasted a total of 5 or 10 minutes as the 3rd push and my baby was on my belly. the breathing and remaining focused does really help. your body is designed to birth your baby and if for any reason you need intervention the midwifes are on hand. my birth resulted in me needing intervention at the end but I have healed amazingly. also take any support you need after from staff. the midwives really helped me and my baby with breast feeding before I was discharged

I was just coming along to say that I could have written your post. I was waking in the night panicking that I had this job to do and there is no getting out of it etc.
However I listened to a hypnobirthing book on audible (Hollie DeCruz I think) and have also done the positive birth digital pack. I can say I don't feel worried anymore. I'm 39 weeks and feel ready to do my job.
I think somehow as you near your due date you just become 'ready'.
I also try to remind myself that we are mammals the same as cats and dogs etc. They manage without any help or medicine and rarely have issues. There is something in that.

Is this your first birth?

How much reading have you done on the birth process?

I found it very helpful to learn about the way your body works in labour, so you get an idea what your body is doing and so you can learn to work with it.

Other important things like how important how you breathe is, how remaining calm helps your body naturally release endorphins with help with pain... good positions in labour which facilitate baby moving down effectively, and help manage labour contractions (I simply cannot give birth on my back! I have to lean and sway on something)

It would be a good idea to read up on things and you can go into labour with some things to try.

I think it is very easy to focus on the pain aspect of it all, i think you have to accept it will be there, but you can at least feel a little empowered with some knowledge and techniques to try out.

I was terrified too. I had a home birth, so no epidural. What helped me was that I didn’t have to be brave - it was going to happen anyway, and labour would continue until the baby was born. It’s not like a marathon where you have to find strength of mind to continue. It’ll happen in spite of you.

Thanks everyone for your replies. I have been watching the Positive Birth Company videos and have also got myself a TENS machine to help me out in the latent stage of labour. I'm 38 weeks tomorrow, still panicking a bit but positive stories are helping me.

@Ju5tAgirlstandinginfrontofaboy Regarding the thing about mammals, I thought that too, then I remembered the "obstretic dilemma" and why humans have more trouble than many mammals including our closest relatives (primates). Our problems in childbirth are the cost of our bipedalism and big brains! It's all very interesting. I've watched a horse give birth and it looked so lovely!

Hi @faelavie I get your fears completely I remember being 40+6 and feeling fine thinking oh the baby will be here soon this is good. And then nothing happened the anxiety was awful I had a cold sweat as I knew it meant induction, and I remember running out the midwife appointment and having a panic attack I was that scared.

I saw a midwife again and we agreed I'd be induced at 40+10 or something. I went for my induction and it failed I still was pregnant and starting to get worried and fed up and even more anxious, however once the pain did start I was fine I was still nervous but I was fine I actually enjoyed my labour it didn't last long at all,

It was painful but once you've had it going on for a whilst and it ramps up you know the end is near.
I didn't have any pain relief as I was waiting for that when I felt I couldn't cope moment but it didn't come and when it did my DD was born within a few pushes.

15 minutes later I was up in the shower and another midwife made us some tea and toast and we had a chat about the baby.

I'm now 26 weeks with my third and I'm nervous again, however I know now it's completely normal. Our bodies are amazing I remember getting to the push before last and thinking I can't do this take it out of me please, and the midwife laughed and said we are here now and my body just pushed for me anyway. You'll be fine honestly. Good Luck x

I remember your MLU vs hospital post.

Sounds like you are getting yourself into a state overthinking. Can you keep yourself busy, see friends/family, etc?

Everyone is different, but what helped me was approaching labour as inevitable and as such not worth worrying about, IYSWIM? It sounds simplistic but it worked for me, basically told myself "there's no point in worrying about it" on repeat whenever I caught myself overthinking.

How are you finding hypnobirthing techniques? I found them hugely helpful, both before and during my labours.

I hope baby arrives soon for you, so you can get it "over and done with" (so to speak).

If it helps I feel very sad that I will never give birth again.

@anitagreen Thanks for sharing your experience, it does help. I hope your pregnancy goes well :)

@WhoArtinHeaven I have tried to see friends when I can, but obviously everyone else is working most of the time. And I don't have any family nearby. I hate it when my husband leaves for work in the morning as it means I have all day with my own anxious brain to deal with.

I think the hypnobirthing is helping, though I can't get on board with all of it (e.g. calling contractions "surges" and such) but I am hoping the breathing techniques will help me at least, when the time comes.

38+6 today, no sign of anything happening yet. I know this sounds bad but I feel like a prisoner awaiting my execution 🙈

Hey @faelavie How are you? And thank you

As long as you take from the pack what works for you that's all that matters. I preferred the word surge as it helped me visualise what my uterus was doing and visualisations work really well for me, picturing my baby moving down slowly etc really gave me something to focus on and made the sensations less intense.
If you prefer the word contraction there's nothing wrong with that! I'd really recommend practicing the breathing a lot and making sure you focus on that in labour. It gives you a real focus, you know it's just a few breaths for each contraction and you can get through it!
Remember the time in between contractions you're generally feeling nothing, so you get time to rest- and for the vast majority of labour those times are longer than the contractions so overall you spend a lot more time comfortable than you do going through a contraction, and even then the start/end of each contraction is much less intense than the peak.

Childbirth was my absolute biggest fear ever since I was a teenager. I just had my second two weeks ago and honestly I feel a bit sad that I'll never go through it again. It's tough and intense but it's also the most magical and incredible thing your body is doing- you will be amazing!

Also although you can't have an epidural at a MLU, you can have gas & air, generally use a pool (I found great pain relief and really calming), and they can give you pethidin or other similar drugs if you decide you need it.
The environments are also mostly so much nicer- medical equipment is hidden away, lights are dimmed, midwives are fully on board with hypnobirthing so will really help you through it etc.

Hi @anitagreen, I am OK, thank you :) today I'm 39+3. I've completed the positive birth company videos now. I'm booked in for a sweep at 40+4 if baby doesn't show up by then. I'm still very nervous, especially during the night weirdly enough. Had a crampy pain round my bump the other night that made me feel sick, I wondered if things were happening.... Turns out it was constipation 🙈 Stupid iron tablets!
Saw a different midwife yesterday who gave me a lot of reassurance about asking for pain relief. How are you doing? :)

@TequilaMockingbird0 Thank you very much for your replies. I think the breathing techniques are the most useful thing.
It might be worth mentioning that I'm a nurse myself (lol I know, and I'm still scared of the pain!), so medical terms and seeing medical equipment doesn't phase me. But I just need to stop focusing on the pain aspect. Thank you for the advice regarding getting time to have a rest between contractions, it does help a lot. Practising the breathing techniques is hard at the moment as I have a terrible cold and can't breathe through my nose well.... Just my luck!

OP, you're not being irrational, our culture & healthcare system currently portray childbirth as scary & in need of intervention, the reality is the vast majority of physiological births should need no intervention in the right conditions. Can highly recommend this book - 99% guaranteed it will help! www.amazon.co.uk/How-Have-Baby-Mother-Gathered-Guidance/dp/1527207366?tag=mumsnetforu03-21
(It may require setting aside the 'hospital/drugs are your saviour mindset for a little while though! There are lots of other things that help too..)

Oh & re the obstetric dilemma, have a read of this - debunks it somewhat & offers an alternative theory! Interesting stuff indeed, seems amazing they still don't know exactly what causes birth to be triggered!
www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/m/pubmed/22932870/

@faelavie Hey! I'm glad your feeling a little better I hope the videos helped, it's completely normal to feel nervous I've been through it twice and I'm still nervous for the third time. But once it starts it's fine it's just the fear of the unknown and every body feels like that. Honestly I think you'll be fine and if you feel you need pain relief defo ask as the Labour is about you and getting the baby out. If you feel you need something to help you or comfort you just ask.
And I'm ok I'm 28 weeks now I'm feeling so tired and exhausted even getting in the bath feels like effort to me x