VBAC - don't know if I can do this .... it feels like this is an impossibly high mountain to climb ... (warning: long and emotional)

[ejt1764]

Sorry, this is going to be ranty and a bit of a steam of consciousness
... please feel free to ignore!

A bit of background ...

My ds will be 5 in October - he was an emergency section after the classic cascade of intervention (4 day induction, failed ventouse etc etc).

Getting pg again took a lot of soul searching on both my and dh's part - the trauma of the birth of ds is still messing my head up - and then I lost 2 pgs last year. This is my last ditch at having another child.

I don't want an elective section, and have fought tooth and nail to be allowed to deliver on the mlu, in water - I have very bad spd, and am on crutches / use a wheelchair, so water is definitely the best place for me.

I've been seen in the consultant midwife clinic (but not by the consultant midwife herself as she was on holiday), have booked a doula to support both me and dh in labour, so thought everything was in place for me to go for it in terms of an intervention-free vbac ... but

I've had an email from my doula this morning and she can't be my doula is basically the upshot ... she's passed my details on to the
person who was going to be my doula with my pregnancies last year, who is in the middle of midwife training, and who apparently is going to try to wangle it with college to be my doula this time around ... I hope she can, as my dh is counting on the support of somebody who can be a bit bolshy - he's so laid back, he's practically horizontal, and is not really that happy questioning the medics.

I also finally spoke to the midwife who is supposed to be looking after me in terms of delivering in the MLU yesterday (I saw her at the consultant midwife clinic) - she was supposed to have sorted me out with seeing the obstetric anaesthetist (about pain relief for spd) 3 weeks ago, but went on leave & passed it on to somebody else, who basically did nothing about it ... it now means that there's no appointments with their clinic until 5th September ... and the cocodamol (I have dispersable ones as I have suffered with hyperemesis in this pg, and cannot keep any form of tablets down) are making me really sick, dizzy, and dopey, so I don't like taking them during the day - which means that
I'm still a whingy mess by the evening!

She also started rehashing the arguments against me going into the MLU to deliver - saying that "Having previous sections in the unit is not what we're really about" ... and doing the "ruptured uterus = dead baby" thing again (she mentioned that about 5 times during the appointment I had with her before) - however, she has spoken to the (proper) consultant midwife about it and they have agreed that going to the mlu and labouring in their pool is infinitely preferable to me staying at home (which I had threatened to do if forced to deliver in the CLU - as the thought of the machines going beep, and being monitored, and strapped to the bed terrifies me) - then in the next sentence, she asked me if an elective section had ever been suggested to me, and how I felt about that! If I wanted an elective section, I wouldn't have fought this hard to get where I am!

I have an appointment to go and see her and mlu next Wednesday - apparently she has to write something in my notes for my consultant to read at my 36 week appointment - not quite sure what, but there we go!

Am also going to check that I (physically) can get in to the pool (if it's not in use, obviously!)

I have to admit that it feels like I'm constantly fighting to get what I know is best for me - part of me just wants to say "sod it!" - and set a date for an elective!

And, to top it all, I had a dream last night that the baby died.... and that has had me in tears all morning.

Really don't know if I can do this.

Reassurance from the wonderful women of mumsnet would be really appreciated.

ejt1764,

YOU CAN DO IT!

have you readd any info on vbac? i have tons if you want to mail me id be happy to pass this over to you.

also look on aims.org.uk or lots of positive vbac stories.

i think you should consider speaking to someone at www.birthtraumaassociation.org.uk/
as i think you might be suffering post traumatic stress disorder - and it will help if you can get closure on your sons birth before proceeding with this one.

personally i had lots of dreams of my babies dying - they were both induced at 36wks for diff medical reasons and the chance of ds2 being stillborn was 70% - but they are both here - dont pay too much attention to your dreams - its your brain working overtime with all the worry.

its a shame about your doula - and i tihnk i know who it is - and who will be your doula aswell - but is that fails call me - i dont know your edd, but may be able to help you.

deal with one issue at a time - but please seek some help with your sons birth.

Cx

Ah I've replied to you on UKVBACHBAC but it won't be there yet as I'm relatively new there, donlt know how long it takes before your replies stop being checked first....

Anyhow, Herts has made good points and I wanted to remind you that dreams are not premonitions but are the way that your subconcious has of trying to deal with your fears.

All VBACers that I have ever known have had many a wobble along the way. Due to our past experience we lack faith in our body, in our ability and very often in our HCPs. It's a big journey to regain that faith and get self-beleif back again.

Let me tell you that you CAN do this. [hug]

I suggested an Osteopath to look at your pelvis, or have you already checked this out?

Labouring in water is ideal for SPD and VBAC so insist that you are aided to get in the pool, do not be fobbed off with any excuses about you not being able to get in by yourself. They need to support you to get into that pool!!!!

I also think I might know the stand in Doula and if i'm right you can't go far wrong with her!!!!!!!!

I defintely think that standard training needs to be given to MW about how to deal with VBAC women, cos very few of them seem to know how the comments about elCS can be so harmful!! A VBAC woman needs totally positive and encouraging support at all times!

Thanks herts and Klaw for your support - I know in my heart that I can do this - and I've seen other women at my stage of pregnancy get the wobbles - the stupid thing is that the midwife who has sort of suggested elective section is the one who said that they had learned they lessons of preactices they had been doing in the trust 5 years ago - and they were now dealing with the consequences of inducing women unecessarily ... the thing is that I feel like I'm in the smallest of minorities by not wanting a section - how bizarre is that?!

Anyway, thank you for responding - I really appreciate it - although I can't promise not to have more wobbles before I have this baby!