What if I don't feel enough emotions

[Anoushka1986]

Hi all,

I previously had pretty bad anxiety and was very anxious about pregnancy and birth. I went on Sertraline 100mg right before I got pregnant and it worked wonderfully. Only thing I'm concerned about is that now that I'm on it I'd say my mood is pretty much a 7/10 all the time- there are no big highs or big lows. I still get very mild anxiety from time to time but it's so manageable. I have cried once since being pregnant (I'm now 21weeks), when my partner said he couldn't make it to the 20 week scan but other than that I've been generally happy. I don't want to mess with the dosage when things are going well but I'm concerned that when it comes time to giving birth I won't feel the extreme emotions that everyone talks about. I'd hate to miss out on this experience and thinking of talking to my gp about reducing the dose. Can anyone relate? Is it even possible to not feel big emotions during birth?

It’s more common than people realise to not feel that “rush of love” that everyone talks about. I have spoken to so many people who have said “Oh thank God, I thought I was the only one”. I felt nothing when my daughter was born and it took until she was 14 months old for the love to kick in. This is not abnormal and it’s nothing to worry about if it happens. She’s now turning 7 in a couple of weeks and I love her to bits. Good luck

It’s more common than people realise to not feel that “rush of love” that everyone talks about.

This. I felt nothing with dc1 for quite a while. In fact when I fell head over heels for dc2 the second I laid eyes on her still half inside of me I was really suprised because I expected that same numbness.

I don’t know anyone who actually felt that massive emotion thing - most of us just feel tired, of we’re perfectly honest! My son is the entire universe to me now, at 2 and a half, but I couldn’t tell you when that kicked in.

'Everyone' doesn't feel the much-vanted 'rush of love'. I felt as though I was looking after a rather tiresome living parcel for months, before gradually falling in love with my son.

And it's perfectly possible to give birth without emotion other than 'God, this is odd' and 'Ouch, motherfucking agony!' Some people claim birth was orgasmic for them, some people claim it was the most profound spiritual experience of their lives -- I can't say they're wrong, but it certainly wasn't my experience.

I just felt exhausted! It took me months to bond with DS but when it came the bond was incredibly strong.

Totally agree with everyone else - I didn't experience that rush of love or emotion (other than relief!). What I would say though is that I don't think late pregnancy is the time to be changing doses of ADs given the risk of PND. One consultant said to me that she would have advised increasing the dose towards the end of pregnancy if needed so that was enough in your system after the birth rather than having to up the meds and wait for them to kick in if PND does strike.

The only emotion I felt when I gave birth to my three was relief that labour was over.
That feeling was intensified with DC3 as I knew I’d never be doing it again!

Hope this isn't too personal to ask - but for those of you saying it took a while for the love to "build", did you feel love for your babies while you were pregnant and then it disappeared at birth? Or was there nothing throughout pregnancy until several months after having your babies?

I felt love during the pregnancy but was too exhausted after labour to feel anything and then I was hit by PND so it took months. However it really hasn't affected us long term and I couldn't wish for a better bond with DS now.

Thank you so much for all your replies, that's actually really reassuring to hear.

did you feel love for your babies while you were pregnant and then it disappeared at birth?

For me, it was something like that although without wanting to give details, I think the circumstances of his arrival didn't help. With dc2, it was the absolute opposite, I felt numb throughout pregnancy (not helped by my df dying when I was 6 months pregnant) and then this rush of love when I first saw her.

I didn’t feel ‘love’ for my babies while pregnant I don’t think, as I didn’t them. Obviously I was very protective over my unborn children and would have been devastated if anything had happened to them, but that’s totally different to the love you feel for them as people. For me, anyway.

I knew instantly I would kill to protect my baby but I didn’t have that rush that everyone talks about. It took a few weeks I think! I loved them and would of done everything to protect them and care but I didn’t have a rush of love.

didnt know* them, that was supposed to say.

I wouldn’t aspire to the rollercoaster of out of control emotions. It’s not a great thing.
I’m quite a balanced person naturally, rarely overwhelmed with good or bad emotions and although I’ve doubted myself at times overall I embrace that. My love for my baby was gentle and snuggly and my exhaustion was quiet and manageable. No raging passion, no debilitating depression and no bursting with joy. Just quiet niceness. Why would that be a bad thing?

The actual birthing bit is a odd - I was induced and had a few complications so it felt very medicalised and I didn't really feel anything except pain and tiredness. When DS was finally birthed I felt quite angry actually (I think hangry in fact as couldn't eat on the drip!) and certainly no rush of love. It took a couple of days and a few hot meals to recover, after which I really felt like I started bonding with DS. Try not to expect a lot from yourself- giving birth is hard work!

Honestly for me it wasn’t much different to getting a new puppy or kitten —except they weren’t as cute and fluffy—

An overwhelming sense of responsibility, yes. The knowledge that you were responsible for their every need. But it took a while to bond and get to know their personalities.

Mine was a quick labour after IVF and I felt nothing at all,just Oh,so I'm a mum.
It took a while for real love to slowly creep over me.I was also disappointed that my baby didn't smell of much.
I feel emotional seeing others give birth just not for mine.

I didn't feel the rush of love for ages! I think that's very common, especially with your first. Honestly after the birth I just felt very relieved. Don't feel bad if it doesn't feel "magical" straight after the baby is born, it's not quite how it's portrayed on film and TV.

@museumum I think I am generally quite similar, quite balanced, even prior to medication (although I would internalise a lot of anxiety). I had a think about my question after I posted it and realised that there's been other times when I've had a similar type of worry-for example worry that I won't react enough when my partner proposes. I spoke abut the baby thing with my partner and he said that, as he's someone who does have a lot of highs and lows he's envious of my being balanced. I'm feeling a lot better after hearing all the responses to this post. I need to take pressure off myself to be feeling a certain way.

I didn’t get that ‘rush of love’ at all! I was too shocked and traumatised I think, and they took him away so I didn’t get skin to skin or anything (I wasn’t bothered about that anyway. He wasn’t ill, I just gave birth abroad and that’s how they did it). I had read up about bonding etc online beforehand so I wasn’t concerned and honestly didn’t expect to feel it as I’m not a very emotional person anyway.

Tbh my first thought was ‘oh dear, he looks weird’ He is obviously the most stunningly beautiful child in the world now!

The love built slowly over the next few days.

So, to sum up, try not to worry about it - the ‘rush of love’ isn’t universal or necessary. I absolutely adore my son and we have a lovely relationship so my initial reaction clearly wasn’t harmful. It was just a reflection of my personality and experience and was entirely normal.

The first few days of my son’s life were the happiest of mine.

did you feel love for your babies while you were pregnant and then it disappeared at birth? Or was there nothing throughout pregnancy until several months after having your babies?

What @SoyDora said. I didn’t feel love as such during pregnancy, although I was quite anxious about the baby’s safety.

I felt calm during pregnancy with no highs or lows. Which I actually enjoyed because I suffer with crippling pmt and it was just nice to feel “normal” for an extended period of time. When my little one arrived I didn’t get the rush of love and to be honest I was absolutely terrified of her. I was incredibly protective but I didn’t “love” her. It took a good few weeks for me to adore her and now she’s my absolute world 10 months later.

I think it’s really normal to be honest, but there are a few days when I feel defective when I speak to other women who did experience that rush of love.

I can clearly remember when my little one was about 4 weeks old, when suffering from post natal anxiety, coming away from a conversation in tears because the woman I was talking to kept
Going on saying “isn’t it amazing when they’re born and you see their eyes and you feel like you’ve known them all along”. I just smiled and nodded but inside I was thinking “Christ, that’s not what I felt! Should I have felt that? Do I not love my baby? What’s wrong With me?”
There was nothing wrong, I was just a new first time mum and overwhelmed.

Thanks for answering my (very personal) question everybody, and sorry for slightly hijacking your thread OP

I think it’s best not to have any expectations at all as you end up putting pressure on yourself to feel a certain way and then beating yourself up for not doing so. You can also feel like you missed out on the “real” childbirth experience that people talk about if things don’t go according to your plans.

Instead, remind yourself that whatever you feel at the time is normal and OK.

In my case, I didn’t feel much of anything during pregnancy or immediately afterwards, which worried me a lot. I think I was just sort of numb with shock at how wrong everything had gone! 17 months later I’m completely bursting with love and happiness but I can’t remember when or how that came about. Just let things happen naturally in their own time - you’ll be fine.