Crying

[Smileforthecamera]

Hi all, I gave birth to my beautiful baby boy last Friday. We had a traumatic birth that resulted in him being special care for a time. We have eventually got home and I cannot stop crying. I can’t imagine ever being able to look after this little person on my own I am relying on my husband for everything - nappy changing, feeding etc. I have no appetite and spend my days worrying. Is this normal?

Hi @smileforthecamera, I hope you are ok.
Please be easy on yourself - one week ago your life changed totally and dramatically forever. In what other circumstance would you expect to just take that life changing kind of event in your stride?
You are sleep deprived and overwhelmed with feelings of responsibility for this very small demanding blob who isn't giving you a whole lot back at the moment.
Also if you had a difficult birth then basically you have just been through a car crash. Do you want to say what happened in your birth? I had a difficult birth too and it took me a few weeks to physically feel back to normal, but I did get there. This too will pass, it really will.
Lack of appetite - are you feeling ok? That can be a sign of infection (I know because I was there!) Or it can be a sign of anxiety.
Worrying all the time - so so normal, but also speak to your GP and/or midwife. They will have heard it before and will be able to reassure you.
Your baby being in special care must have been terrifying - you are traumatised by the whole experience I'm sure. It will pass, but do ask for help. In no other culture are women expected to just 'get on with it'. People like to be helpful, and your dh is doing his job as he should be.

After a traumatic event this is normal. It’s takes 6 weeks for your brain to process a traumatic event but that can be longer for new Mums due to sleep deprivation.

You have been through 3 traumatic events in a short space of time, traumatic birth, ill baby and becoming a parent. Be very kind to your because you need it.

Thank you my labour progressed quite quickly and went from 2cm to 7 cm in 4 hours with paracetamol I asked for more but wasn’t given anything else. I eventually got to 10 and with only 2 pushes baby’s heartbeat almost stopped and the room filled with people: no one was telling me or my husband what was happening other than I needed an episiotomy and to push harder.
Baby was born blue and whisked to the resuscitator and the taken to special care- I had to be stitched and neither my hubby nor I got to hold him.
By the time we did get to see him he was covered in wires and had to be tube fed and has suspected sepsis so had a cannula in his hand. We couldn’t spend the night with him and they had run out of rooms we had to share with a couple who had their baby which made things really hard.
We also had to endure seeing a doctor try 5 times to put a cannula in baby’s foot which was very distressing.
Now we are home I feel like a failure - I need my husband for everything from changing to feeding and i can’t see how I will ever be able to do it on my own.
Added to all of this my husband starts a new job that he has worked so so hard to get and is so much better for our family in just over 3 weeks but he has to leave 4 nights a week for a couple of months to go on training and I’m so scared of him not being there. We’ve never even spent a night apart since we met either.
I have amazing support and my parents are the most amazing support and they have said I can stay with them for the nights hubby is away which is reassuring but it’s still not the same.

Oh lovely, you have such a rough start to parenting. Ring your HV and ask her come round so you can discuss it with her. It maybe worth speaking to your GP about being referred to the maternal mental health service. In my experience they were amazing. You would probably benefit from birth reflections but I would advice waiting until you had other support in place first.

I have a health visitor visit next week I hadn’t really thought about mentioning it. I just assumed I could deal with it but it all seems so big! It doesn’t even help when people say you are doing a good job I don’t feel like i am. Also aware that i sound like I’m throwing myself a pity party - there are so many other people in worse situations.

It does matter how other people are or aren’t coping. All that matters is your family and you’ve had a rough ride. Take all the help you can get.

Does NOT matter

My mum said after the birth of my sister she was in shock and was constantly crying etc. Because the birth was very quick and traumatic. Her bloods hasn't come back for her to have the epidural she had planned for and basically my sister arrived 10 mins later.

I think your hormones are just all over the place and you are trying to figure out what to do with this tiny human you've just pushed out your hooha.... you're trying to look after yourself as well and it's all very overwhelming.

But guess what? It's Ok.

Everything is going to be OK. You will be OK.

It's ok to cry. You're certainly not the first and you certainly won't be the last to feel how you are feeling. But if you do feel like you're struggling, please do not be afraid to speak up. Whether that be to a friend, a family member or even better, a health care professional.

Xxx

Had to post a reply after reading this. I remember feeling like you Op, sounds like you've really been through it. Don't underestimate how traumatic what happened was. I didn't ask for help but so wish I had.
It does get better, you will feel 'normal again' and like yourself. You will cope.
Congrats on the arrival of your little one. Be kind to yourself and big hugs xxxx

Your replies mean a lot- it’s reassuring to hear from more than one person what’s going on is normal. I know I am so lucky to have this beautiful baby and i def will speak to a healthcare professional when they visit so at least they are aware. I think I may need more support if it doesn’t pass.