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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

Original poster

Not telling family when I go into labour...

35 replies

BarryBarryTaylor · 05/07/2019 15:35

Hello all.
Please bear with me on this one, I know a lot of it is illogical anxiety but, baby number 2 is due any day now and I’m very tempted to not tell my mom and in-laws when I go into labour, as that will delay them coming down. (We live around 2hr train journey or a 3.5hr car drive away)
When we had our first it was so overwhelming having three extra adults in the house, especially when we don’t have a massive place anyway. They weren’t really helpful either, it just became three extra mouths to feed and tidy up after.
I was hoping this time to just tell them once baby arrives, giving us time to get settled before the onslaught of visitors arrive.
I have told them they can’t stay here, which they all seemed to accept, but my mom is insisting she should be here as soon as because my eldest will need her. We have childcare organised so we actually don’t need my mom for that at all.

Is it out of order to just send them a picture of baby once they are born?

OP posts:
Iamnotacerealkiller · 05/07/2019 15:46

Do what you want as long as you don't mind dealing with any expected fall out.

I would suggest you do what my sister did and bend the truth. She called the family at 6am and recounted a shockingly fast labour (that she didn't know was labour) and birth and because of the bad reception and timing this was the first chance she had to tell anyone :) she had given birth the night before after 36 hours just couldn't be asked with the hassle.

Iamnotacerealkiller · 05/07/2019 15:49

She told me because she knew I was the cold bitch who asked for two weeks of no visitors for my birth so she thought I would understand...I did. Some family still don't know 5 years later.

Original poster
BarryBarryTaylor · 05/07/2019 15:51

Well the last thing I want to do is hurt anyone’s feelings and I love my mom and in laws dearly, but I had PND with dc1 and I can still remember that feeling of total claustrophobia, it makes my skin itch to recount that time. I’m really nervous it will happen again, so one way of feeling a bit more at ease about it all is knowing that when I get home it will just be me, dc1&2 and DH...

Your sisters idea sounds genius x

OP posts:
Dinosauratemydaffodils · 05/07/2019 15:53

Do whatever works for you. I'd maybe delay sending the picture too, especially if any sign of it will have them leaping in the car/on the bus/on the train.

Kanga83 · 05/07/2019 15:58

If you definitely have childcare that covers eventualities for an emergency c sec/problems then go for it. I told no one with my first, only my parents with my second as that was a planned c sec. no one else was told x

Original poster
BarryBarryTaylor · 05/07/2019 16:09

kanga I think we do, I’m a childminder and my little one knows all the parents and children and is happy to sleepover at their houses if needs be. I also have childminder friends who can take her during the day, and then we have lots of close friends who are childfree and can get here in 15mins... it would be really convenient if baby started arriving at about 9.05am just after dc1 was dropped off at preschool 😆🤞🏻

OP posts:
boosterrooster · 05/07/2019 22:36

Suit yourself and do what makes you comfortable.

I had a c section with DS and my in laws were in on top of me within hours, I'm still annoyed with them over it!

Helsvamp · 05/07/2019 22:41

I don't want visitors for at least a day or 2

Original poster
BarryBarryTaylor · 05/07/2019 22:44

I'm still annoyed with them over it!

Yes i can see why, and to be honest I think I’m still frustrated with them from 4yrs ago when DC1 was born.

I may tell them once baby arrives but request that they give us at least two days before travelling down to see us.

Can’t stress how much I love my family but they are all full on and I like a quiet life. Excitable grandparents aren’t conducive to that

OP posts:
soundsystem · 06/07/2019 18:47

There's absolutely no reason you have I announce that you're in labour. Do what works for you!

For both of mine we FaceTimed family to show them the baby once they were born and the midwives were gone (home births) and we were all settled. With DC1 I insisted DH called for a curry before calling our families as I was starving (I would happily have eaten the curry first as well!). If anyone was offended they didn't mention it...

Scrumptiousbears · 06/07/2019 19:20

We didn't tell anyone either. Good job as I was in for 3 days being induced. An excellent decision on our part which was clear as soon as they heard I had DD they argued with me when they were coming to visit the hospital 🤷🏼‍♀️

meditrina · 06/07/2019 19:24

I'm old fashioned enough to think that labour shouid be announced at its conclusion, not its onset (only exception being those who will care for existing DC for the duration)

Original poster
BarryBarryTaylor · 07/07/2019 07:50

Thank you for your comments.
They have reassured me that it’s ok to inform family after and not during.
Only a couple of weeks left now Smile

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 07/07/2019 07:54

“I would suggest you do what my sister did and bend the truth”

If you do- just remember that you have to stick to the bended truth for ever.......

BertrandRussell · 07/07/2019 07:56

I told my mum because I wanted her cheering me on from a distance. DP didn’t tell his parents because he wanted to tell them when the baby was born. Whatever you want.

Mumofone1858 · 07/07/2019 07:59

We only told everyone after the baby was born, honestly never even thought of texting them when I was in labour! We had them visit in hospital evening visiting hours the first few days and honestly I thought it was too much. They didn't leave til exactly end of visiting (we asked but they 'couldnt help themselves') and so me and my husband had no time alone with the baby at the end of the day as he was classed as a visitor too!

EAIOU · 07/07/2019 08:05

How exciting!!!

Yeah it is entirely up to you, even send a message that you're really looking forward to seeing them after the baby is born but you want a couple of days to settle in and have your little one get used to the new baby too.

They should understand. I know people can get very excited and happy about these things and forget their manners. If they do happen to stay over then order a takeaway and they can contribute to costs. Don't put yourself out.

itsallafiddle · 07/07/2019 08:08

Your baby, your decision. You're well within your rights to tell them when the baby is born, and also to tell them no visitors for 24/48 hours or whatever. I ended up with a roomful of visitors when I was still in the recovery room after a really stressful 2 day labour and forceps delivery because we didn't think we could say no...in all honesty I didn't mind my own parents being there but felt so awkward with the in laws, as I was in a right state!

thefavourite · 07/07/2019 08:10

I had 3 home births, all relatively quick but didn't tell anyone I was in labour, it wouldn't have even occurred to me to do this! I wouldn't have wanted that extra pressure from afar!

mamaduckbone · 07/07/2019 08:11

We didn't tell anyone with our first and only my mum with our second as she was looking after ds1.
I genuinely don't understand why you should have to and why any family who love and care for you wouldn't be understanding of the fact that you need some time alone with your new baby.
Do what suits you.

Heyha · 07/07/2019 08:16

We were extremely selective about who we told about being induced because of similar 'must be there' factors, this included both grandmas! They got phoned as soon as was practical after DD was born and we were home 36 hours later so dodged the hospital visits too. We did tell them the truth after, though, that we'd been in for days being induced but didn't want any worry or fuss so didn't tell them. I wanted to be honest once the reason for the delay in telling them had passed.

SallyWD · 07/07/2019 08:22

I announced at the end both times. Didn't occur to be to do so before. I think it's lovely to call with the news "You have a healthy gradson/daughter weighing xx called xx"

Stroan · 07/07/2019 08:31

I wouldn't tell anyone. I never really understand why people are desperate to know, labour can go on for days and it could be worrying.

I was induced and we didn't tell anyone until the baby is born and then asked them to come when WE wanted them there. It took 3 days and I knew I'd be hounded with messages and calls if anyone knew.

This time I'm having an ELCS and my parents are helping with childcare. I've asked them to do what they can to make sure no-one knows!

ineedaholidaynow · 07/07/2019 08:42

Never occurred to us to tell anyone I was in labour, but I did start in the early hours of the morning getting to the hospital at 3am and DS arriving at 6am. DH then waited a few hours before phoning anyone.

I remember the time my MIL messaged me to tell me that a daughter of a friend of hers was in labour and it was progressing well. I have never met this friend never mind the daughter! The GM to be was obviously messaging all her friends. I thought that was odd and immediately thought of the MN disapproval. DH thought I should message back and ask how dilated she was Grin

Capybaras · 07/07/2019 09:37

We've already told family that we won't be saying when I go into labour, but will let them know once the baby is born. As others have said it could go on for days and it'll stress us out fielding the calls/texts etc when we'd rather be focusing on us and the baby!

Still doesn't stop the daily text check-ins from the parents/in-laws but we know they're excited!