How do you get over a difficult birth?

[Poppy1774]

Just that really. Ds is 6 months old and I am struggling a bit. Ds was very late and I had your classic induction story - pessary, drip, epidural, took ages, failed ventouse, forceps and episiotomy. Baby was in distress at several points and I think the most stressful thing was that I kept on thinking that I was about to have a c-section, doctors kept on coming in, but then they would leave saying it was ok again. I didn't mind the idea of a c-section at all, but it was just stressful thinking I was about to have one the whole time.
I had a debrief with my midwife which helped. I don't feel traumatised exactly, I felt very well looked after and ds and I made a good recovery. He needed a bit of resuscitating afterwards and his first APGAR score was only 7 but the third score was 10.
I keep thinking that maybe I shouldn't have had the epidural, but I found the first few hours absolutely horrendous until I had the epidural. I was on the drip for 18 hours and my midwife told me it would have been traumatising to try and do that without an epidural.
I don't know exactly what the problem is, I keep on having flashbacks to when the ventouse failed (I was so disappointed), when during one of the midwife handovers the midwife told the new midwife that I had had an epidural because I wasn't coping with the pain (which made me feel a bit crap), the few hours I had yelling in pain before the epidural.
Any advice? Will it fade? I feel I am not enjoying ds as much as I should because I am always googling about birth and epidurals and inductions to try to reassure myself I did nothing wrong. I also did a hypnobirthing course which I really regret doing as it totally set me up for unrealistic expectations. Any advice much appreciated. xx

You absolutely did nothing wrong. I too had induction at 42wks with my first (now 18) I had pessary followed by drip, followed by epidural because there is no break between contractions on the drip. She was back to back. Then when it came to pushing nothing happened really, so exH was sent off to put on scrubs and I had to sign a consent for C Section. I remember saying to the anethetist as they wheeled me to theatre I just want to go home now.
DD fortunately was born by ventouse, I had a 3rd degree tear extended with episiotomy. DD was fine post birth but I really wasn't.

Sorry posted way too soon trying to reply to dd1 texting.

It does fade, definitely and I'm now much more of the feeling however you get your babies out is fine, likewise however you feed, get through the nights. But I felt a lot of disappointment for a long time.

I have since had 2 more dds with far easier births, and am expecting ds1 in August.

I would never have the drip again without an epidural, and luckily for me the MW did say when I had dd1 you are making the right choice.

Be kind to yourself but do seek help if it is affecting your relationship and enjoyment of DS xx

I could of written your post . I felt i had done something wrong for a long time afterwards but I hadnt. Be kind to yourself and give yourself time. I got over it just by giving it time and talking to others. I went onto have another and had a totally different labour.

You did nothing wrong, and what you are experiencing is very common. I really don't think anything prepares you for the realities of childbirth, and it is easy to feel as if you have failed somehow. My experience of birthing DD1 sounds very similar to yours, including having prepared for a very different type of birthing experience, and subsequently feeling like I had let myself and DD down. When I became pregnant with DD2, I really struggled with worrying about the birth, to the point of considering a termination. Lots of talking with my midwife and friends helped me keep things in perspective. I completely abandoned any idea of trying for the kind of birth I had originally hoped for with DD1 (home, hypno, water), and it took my closest friends a lot of coaxing and encouragement over many months to get me to consider trying for the kind of birth they knew I really wanted, despite of my fear. In the end, I knew what was coming when giving birth to DD2, and this was really helpful. I was actually able to use the hypno techniques and to stay at home, with no need for pain relief. And one of the first things I noticed, within the first hour of DD2 being born, was that the heavy burden of my experience with DD1, which had preoccupied me for years, had just melted away.
I do think that it is also easy to feel like we aren't enjoying our DC as much as we could / should, but I wonder about this. The first year of having a baby is so hard, and very often not especially enjoyable, irrespective of whether we had easy births or terrifying experiences. Birth is messy, exhausting, transformative, and so is early parenting, and the best we can do is to try to love ourselves through it, accepting ourselves and our efforts as the very best we can do in the circumstances we are in.

I could have written your post word for word after having my son. In answer to ‘how do you get over a difficult birth’ it really was time for me. Talking about it helped too, not just keeping it in and like you googling all the time. I didn’t know if I wanted to go through it all again, my son is about to turn 3 this week and I am due my second in December. I really never thought I would get to this point though, and I am still apprehensive but feel more in control of my feelings now.

Do your local trust do a birth reflections? It’s not something I ever took mine up on, but I think I should have. I can still do it now but I’m not sure it’ll be a help or a hindrance now and drag a lot of stuff up.

I wish you all the best, look after yourself it’s so tough. Let people help if they want to as well.

I had birth trauma counseling. Really helped. I then had a c section with my second which was wonderfully healing.

I had an awful birth with ds, I had pre eclampsia, was induced, in labour for over 48 hours, induction failed, EMCS, massive haemorrhage, in high dependency for 48 hours with HELLP syndrome. Anything that could go wrong, did go wrong, I was devastated about EMCS, felt that my body had let me down, that I couldn't do the one thing a woman is supposed to be able to do. I had horrific PND, felt suicidal, got no support or aftercare from the hospital, I honestly think I had PTSD, I had awful nightmares for years afterwards, flashbacks, I am now terrified of hospitals despite having 5 operations since having ds ( not birth related ops) & am still on antidepressants 15 years later. I don't think that you ever totally get over a bad birth, you just learn to live with it & accept that you cant change what happened.

@Nat6999 that’s exactly how I felt, everything that could go wrong , did go wrong , I was drip induced after a bleed and my son had low heart rate, I had already been awake 48 hours at this point and oh my goodness the pain from the drip was unreal I screamed for 6 hours and tried to fight an epidural as didn’t want to feel I had failed, I gave into an epidural eventually but as I was waiting for it babies heart nearly stopped on the monitor so was rushed for emcs and found cord wrapped around his face ... he had to be resuscitated and I then hemmoraged and spent a week on the ward with a bad infection which was hell being left on my own with my newborn who I couldn’t even lift out of his cot , I only got 1 hours sleep a night so serious sleep deprivation by the time I came home ,l, I am two weeks PP and still having flash backs feeling teary and anxiety feelings in my stomach, I’m so worried I’m going to get PND I am already on Antids so hopefully they’ll help.. How did you manage caring for your newborn when you felt like that ? My son has toungue tie now he’s struggling to breastfeed too 😔 it just feels like it never ends I just want to enjoy him properly x

@Poppy1774 have you referred yourself to birth reflections ? I’m going to do that at 6 weeks PP , I found the drip horrific when I think of it now it makes me feel sick , the pain was unreal an the consultant told me 90% of woman opt for epidural x

@Nat6999 That sounds so difficult, I am not surprised that you found it really tough afterwards. Your body didn't fail you. You grew a human - that's what we need to tell ourselves. In a funny kind of way, the day of the birth is the least important day in the baby's life - because really all that the baby cares about once it's arrived is whether its warm/fed/loved etc.
@sh13 Oh my goodness the drip...I did have a midwife debrief and it was really helpful, but I burst into tears when describing the sheer agony I felt when on the drip. I went from feeling fairly in control, and managing my contractions ok, to being on my hands on knees screaming and crying that i wanted to go home, within the space of an hour. It was the most horrendous thing I have ever experienced.

I really hope you do not feel like a failure with the epidural. The epidural saved my sanity - if I can still cry, now, with the memory of 3 hours on the drip before the epidural, how would I feel if I had had had to endure the whole eighteen hours without an epidural? My midwife made that point in the debrief and it really helped. She explained that in her experience it was those that suffered horrendous pain and did not get pain relief, for whatever reason, that were the most traumatised. You took care of yourself in that moment, by asking for an epidural. It was an act of self care and self love, not failure. to you too!

@Poppy1774

Thank you so much for your kind message it really was horrific wasn’t it , I couldn’t believe it. It’s good to tallk to someone that understands, Surely that can’t be anything like the pain in natural labour , or perhaps towards the end of it ? It ramped up so fast !

I am not surprised you cried I probably will too when I do birth reflections , I think I would of passed out with 18 hours with no pain relief. that’s a really good way of your midwife explaining things must be why we feel sick thinking of it.

How are you feeling now ? I think we need to remember we did nothing wrong and we have done an amazing job getting through all of that ! Xxx