I feel cheated

[didihearthatright123456]

My DD twins are now 6 weeks old. They were born at 33 weeks as one of the babies wasn’t growing properly.

I had always planned on a C Section but ended up having an urgent section. It all happened so quickly I didn’t have time to take it all in.

Our DD’s were born & were whisked away 10 seconds later to NICU. Due to me having the section I didn’t see them for another 7-8 hours.

They remained in hospital for 3 weeks before we were discharged. I’m having periods of being emotional about not having contact with them straight away and having “that” huge surge of love that I was expecting to have. I was stuck on a labour ward for 3 days surrounded by mothers who had their babies. I had to sit there in hell on my own until my DH returned to the hospital to take me up the 2 floors to where my girls were. Then when I did see them I had to ask for permission to touch them. All the things that I should have been doing for my babies a nurse was doing instead.

I realise that we were luckier than a lot of people in that we were home after 3 weeks but I have this overwhelming feeling or sadness that I didn’t bond with my babies straight away. Of course I do love my girls but I sometimes wonder if they know I’m their mum given how many different people were looking after them at first.

I’ve been feeling so good for the last few weeks but have been feeling very emotional in the last few days. I was looking back at pictures when they were first born, to my surprise when I look back at pictures of them in the incubators I got very distressed and couldn’t look anymore.

Can anyone give me any advice on moving on from these feelings?

My advice would be talk to your partner or someone you feel you can talk to about it, don't bottle it up. The feelings might never go away completely.
I've had two preemies, one at 30 and one at 33 weeks. I felt the same as you as all I wanted to do was hold my babies and I couldn't. I waited 2 days to hold my first and 5 to hold my second, it was awful. The first time I was away from home so stuck in the hospital with people who all had their babies and I couldn't even hold mine. The second time I went home the next day than god.
I feel like I missed out a lot, then feel guilty for feeling like that, because at least I had my babies and got to take them home. I still think about it now and they are 6 and 3.5.
Try lots of skin to skin contact too. it will get better. Not sure if my waffle has been much help sorry

I am going through the same thing and everything you say is familiar to me, my baby was born at term two weeks ago after a disastrous birth where she ended up oxygen deprived and had to be resucitated and whisked off to NICU as soon as she was out of me. Due to being incapacitated myself I didn't see her for 18 hours after she was born. Thankfully she's recovering well with no apparent long term damage but I'm really struggling with leaving her in the care of the nurses at the end of each day. One told me this morning that they'd had lots of cuddles overnight, I know I should be glad she's well cared for but I felt so irrationally angry, that should be me. I also had to endure the postnatal ward with mothers and babies, it's cruel.

We're lucky our neonatal unit has a resident psychologist who both me and dp have had a session with. She told me that it's harder in some ways when you go home as that's when you start to process what happened, as the dust settles. I guess this is what's happening to you. She also told me I'll probably always have a wobble on dd's birthdays and that pnd is more common in these cases and I should look out for the signs. It's just a bit shit, just wanted you to know you're not alone.

Might be worth talking to a counsellor just to vent your feelings. You have had a very stressful time and recovering from birth a is hard enough. Let alone all you have been through.

I feel the surge of love is a myth- and a dangerous one at that. You grow to love your baby the same as you grow to love others in your life.
You are there mother and they know that. It’s a bond that you will all build every day.

That sounds really tough, OP.

If it's any consolation, myself and many mothers I know did not experience a "surge of love" after childbirth despite having relatively straightforward experiences. I don't think I felt love for my first child for four months and I don't think that's very unusual. Motherhood can be daunting and scary however it begins.

Do you think it would help you to talk to one of the team who looked after you, assuming that's possible?