Bad memories

[Annabel28]

I gave birth in July 2018.

I've been reading birth experiences on Mumsnet since then but haven't had the confidence to post.

I was 41+1 (first pregnancy) when my waters broke in a public place. It was in the middle of a heat wave and I noticed immediately there was a lot of meconium. My husband and I first went home, then my father gave us a lift to the hospital around 4pm due to the meconium. I was put on a monitor around 5pm which showed regular contractions (Although genuinely I felt nothing at that point). Around 6pm suddenly the pain came, it was severe beyond belief and contractions every 1-3 mins. I began begging for epidural as per my "birth plan". At 7.30pm I was moved to delivery suite and examined very roughly (for the first time) by a midwife who told me I was only 1cm and to "calm down". The pain was so mind altering I didn't know I was giving birth, I thought the sensation of her fingers was rape as I don't remember consenting. I was then in so much pain I lacked capacity to make decisions for around 3 hours before my son popped out of my vagina. Every time I howled or screamed I was shouted out or told that if I made noise it would worsen my sons heart rate (which they were very worried about apparently).

So I gave birth naturally, with no interventions. Which is supposedly the ideal that so many women strive towards. But honest to God, (speaking as someone who has been raped), I would rather be raped again than go through natural birth. I still can't get it out of my head, but it's slowly fading. I'm scared if we want to have a second child I don't cope. Do you think they would give me an ELCS in these circumstances? If the hospital (which has a great reputation) cannot guarantee pain relief during a 4-5 hour labour then what hope do I have? IV paracetamol would have been better than being left in a corner as I was. For background info, I am a doctor and I cannot imagine leaving a man, say, with a kidney stone, in so much agony. Are women treated differently in general when it comes to pain? Sorry for all my questions, I've been largely alone with this for 8 months.

Why would you compare rape and childbirth?

Sorry OP- missed a paragraph. I can see how you felt violated by the midwife.

I'm sorry to be so graphic and I know it's a distressing thing to compare. My point is I was in so much pain I didn't understand what was happening around me and that was my subjective experience of the event. I'm sorry if I upset anyone that wasn't my intention.

And I really don't want to scare anyone facing childbirth, I just feel trapped with my experience.

I am so so sorry for what you went through OP
I had a tough time too so I really do sympathise. In our area you can go back and talk to someone about your birth. They can go through your notes and answer questions. Is this something you could look into?

OP, why don’t you arrange a meeting with your obstetrician and the senior midwife at your hospital for a debrief about your birth experience?
You could also use the opportunity to discuss elective section for any future delivery.

for you.

These stories seem so horrifically common. I remember when I was in the induction ward at hospital. In the middle of the night the lady next to me was screaming and in agony. The midwife on duty refused to examine her, told her it had only been a couple of hours and she could only have paracetamol, and to keep the noise down because others were trying to sleep. By the morning, that baby had been born.

It is disgusting that women at their most vulnerable don't seem to be listened to.

I'm so sorry for what you've been through; it sounds utterly horrific and I think you're absolutely right that it would not happen like this if it was a man giving birth. FWIW, my hospital have agreed a c section (for my first) at my request because I've been raped and I am worried that a vaginal birth will be traumatic. No arguments from them at all. My midwife has also written in my notes that I don't consent to any vaginal examinations (unless absolutely necessary for my life/baby's life).

Wishing you all the best, I wonder if counselling would help? If nothing else, giving you the opportunity to talk it through might bring you some peace.

Thanks for these supportive comments. I did try to set up a debrief appointment in January, then unfortunately there was a suicide in my close family and I then returned to work in Feb and all the turmoil has derailed my plans to seek help for myself. I am already under mental health services for pre-existing issues but really it would help to speak to the hospital/obstetrics. I'll try to chase it up. It's just so hard juggling baby, grieving husband and work. I often feel my needs come last right now.

Sounds like you've had a really hard time.
The debrief could help you move forward and I'm sure they would consider c section next time. Good luck.

I gave birth may 2018 and also had a horrific labour. Induced, refused pain relief until on labour ward, then in more pain for hours before they realised she was back to back to me, had epidural and finally birth by forceps. The pain was so bad I zoned out, tunnel vision. I went into survival mode and don't really remember much. I know if I was able to I would of made it clear I thought something was wrong. It's been a horrible memory from start to finish. I had to stay in the hospital for a week because DD had jaundice, the whole experience was awful. I wanted to forget it all but I have been thinking about complaining as I would hate someone else to go through what I did. I just don't know where to start. So sad when it all goes wrong and you feel powerless. I was so excited about giving birth, then when it happened I felt let down by the nhs.