How do you get over it?

[Bobfossil2]

I gave birth over 3 months ago now. I found it quite a traumatic experience if I’m totally honest.

At first I was fixated on different elements of it that I found awful. Now, a few months on, I feel less obsessed but it still weighs on me. I think about it a few times a day. Does this go away in time? Do you stop caring so much? I’m not usually like this.

I had an awful birth. I ended up being rushed to theatre and my DS being taken from me. I still suffer with anxiety now about people taking him off me, silly things like when my MIL takes him to help me through the door when I have bags too, I turn my back to her when she does this. I would ask for a debrief and councilling - I wish I had. The reason I didn't was because they're all my colleagues and I was worried what they would think.

@bobfossil2 no - quite! I was pretty much hysterical most nights. She was taken from me seconds after the EMCS and I didn’t see her for 8 hours. Honestly the most traumatic part. But it does get better and the memories DO fade. Xx

I’m sorry you had such a hard time OP. Birth is very unfair and can be totally brutal. I just wanted to suggest a little caution about the idea that a birth debrief or your next birth will solve this. Of course they may be helpful but there’s no magic wand and it does take time to process any traumatic experience. Unfortunately the midwife we had for our debrief was not the empathetic type and she also seemed very concerned to protect the hospital so it actually made it worse for us as we both left even more confused. 2nd birth did help me move on a lot but that wasn’t perfect either so I had feelings about that birth to deal with too. So Id suggest you try lots of different things as well as 5e debrief.remember it’s okay to feel upset about it and it’s okay to have a good cry if you need to. Try to find opportunities to talk about it with sympathetic people and be honest about your feelings. Avoid talking to unsympathetic people about it if possible. Counselling is another option. Post on here if that helps. Try also not to forget any good moments it’s easy for them to get totally overshadowed but as I said it’s also ok to be upset by the other bits. And remember that your an absolute super hero for bringing your baby into this world despite the difficulties you’ve been faced with.

Please ask for a debrief. It really helped me after my traumatic first birth. For my subsequent two dc, I had elective sections. Both were v positive experiences that helped me move on from my first experience.

time and talking about it. i found it a huge shock but didn't feel could express it as at the end of the day baby was fine and I'd survived... very aware not everyone is so blessed.
I found a really positive second birth was what really helped but was put off a second child for some time & petrified beforehand it would be the same again!

I had a really traumatic birth with my third baby and felt exactly the same as you, completely overwhelmed when I thought of certain aspects of it. It wasn't until my DS was 8 months old that I took him to have Cranial Osteopathy and the therapist asked me to tell her about his birth. It all just came flooding out of me and I was sobbing. She did some cranial on me and I felt much calmer - not sure if it was the treatment or just talking about it with a stranger but I felt much better. Definitely talk to your GP/midwife about it and see if they can refer you to any counselling. For what it's worth, I went on to have another baby (no.4) after that and all was fine.

I wish I'd gone for a debrief (and known there was such a thing as a birth trauma therapist!) because it took me so long to 'get over' DD's birth I felt I was too old by the time I was ready to think about another baby. I've come to terms with it now but I do think things could have been different if I'd known how to help myself get over what happened.

I just wrote a long reply but my phone crashed!

Thank you for everyone’s responses and I’m sorry that so many people have had such hard births. You have all made some excellent points and made me feel much more sane by sharing your thoughts and stories.

Thank you for sharing the birth trauma website. It was cathartic in a way to read their list of what could make a traumatic birth and realise that my experience ticked a fair few of those boxes...

I actually thought i was doing fine But at my 6 week check (at 11 weeks), I was asked by my GP how the birth was and I cried and said I couldn’t discuss it.

Anyway I think this thread has made me realise I AM still sad about it. I had a good old cry today and then gave my gorgeous baby a cuddle. There is so much about the birth that I don’t remember for some reason, then parts of it come back to me and I try to tie it together in my head.

The thing is aside from everything else that went horribly, my biggest concern- and the concern of some of the midwives- was that there was an issue with the baby and that she was in trouble and I didn’t feel listened to at all. Luckily I have her with me so I am so aware that I am so fortunate and there are many other poor women who haven’t had that happy ending. So that’s something I’m trying to focus on.

I had difficult births. I am not completely over it (I am still a bit pissed off) but I’m not upset by it anymore (the first year I felt like crying each time I thought about it). It just took me some time to accept what happened.

Time mainly. And not thinking about it!
Debrief wasn't a thing after I'd had ds1 (2003). Experience was awful to put it mildly, crash section, won't give full details as don't want to distress you further, but for so long (years) afterwards I was convinced I had failed to give birth properly.
We decided to try for another when ds1 was around 4. I couldn't shake the thought that I'd end up with the same situation but my midwife was utterly brilliant. And although ds2 ended up being another section it was planned and calm and everything ds1's birth wasn't. Healed me mentally, though if I think about it I do still get cross about our treatment first time around. We moved areas on between, so a new hospital helped for sure.

My 1st was traumatic for a number of reasons, he turns 4 next month and I've since had a much better experience having his sister but I still have nightmares about his arrival.

Going over my notes helped as did the Birth Trauma Association's closed facebook page (possibly as simple as knowing I wasn't alone) and time.

How do you get your notes? Do you just ring up and request them?

I had 2 terrible labours, both induced. I had surgery after both and didn't really see my babies for the first few hours as a lot went wrong and I was really sick. Both times we were there in the hospital for days. My third labour was straightforward. I think at the time I probably did obsess a bit after the tricky labours - it's such a huge thing to go through and the tendency is to want to share all the details with people. But it's just life and in time you stop dwelling as there's too much else going on. Oddly, it's my DH who can't bear to watch any programme to do with labour as I guess he was a witness to it all and probably remembers more of what happened than I do as I was a bit out of it as I was so drugged up. Having had a water birth (would never recommend) I certainly wasn't in a hurry to have a bath for a few months!

Not sure. I had a traumatic birth with DC1 17 years ago. Supposed to be a home birth, but we both nearly died and I had every intervention known to mankind and spent a week in hospital (unconscious for the first 48 hours). I buried it, but for various reasons was forced to revisit it earlier today.

OP, I think it's good if you can tell anyone at all about how you are feeling. I didn't. I just conceived DC2, shortly after the birth of DC1, because I didn't want an only child. I really needed counselling, but just cracked on with it. She was ECLS as I my vagina was surgically reconstructed post-DC1 and my pelvic floor was non-existent. ELC was brilliant as it was all predictable.

I think I am still struggling with the aftermath of dear DC1's birth. After his birth, I went to ask for the notes because I wanted to try to make sense of it all (NOT because I wanted to make a nuisance/sue the hospital). The notes had "gone missing". It hurts, even now. All I wanted was to re-read what had happened. I read the notes in the days after he was born. Re-reading them would have given me a bit of completion, which is all I wanted.

I agree with LittleWren. Lots of people find it helps to have the debrief but I didn’t at all. The midwife said I was the only person to have left more upset than when they arrived but at the time, I hadn’t been diagnosed with PTSD so essentially, I was reliving the trauma in the debrief. That took months of CBT to be able to do without having panic attacks so in hindsight, it wasn’t the best choice for me!

I also felt that they had lied on the notes which really pissed me off.

It seems most people find it useful so def consider it but be careful with yourself if you go. Take someone with you and maybe have questions prepared to help get the most out of it.

DS is now 7 and I still find his birthday difficult. Nowhere near as bad as it was but difficult nonetheless. Easier when they are distracting you during the day.

Fewer things trigger the unhelpful thoughts now and I am far better at managing them though I do some avoidance which I know isn’t best practice.

I had a second after 4 years that was well managed with the support of an amazing consultant midwife. It wasn’t easy but it was ok. I have no sadness about that birth but still find the first difficult to think about without becoming sad and angry.

But it does ease.

If your strong emotions about it don’t start easing noticeably soon, please do go and see someone about it.