How do you get over it?

[Bobfossil2]

I gave birth over 3 months ago now. I found it quite a traumatic experience if I’m totally honest.

At first I was fixated on different elements of it that I found awful. Now, a few months on, I feel less obsessed but it still weighs on me. I think about it a few times a day. Does this go away in time? Do you stop caring so much? I’m not usually like this.

Time heals. It's still quite recent for you. You will remember it less with time. I had a traumatic birth snd now only think sbout the good bits.

Maybe see your doctor too as he can refer you to a specialist to speak with x

I found my traumatic birth easier to process once I'd had a de-brief with the Head of Midwives where we sat and went through my notes, she explained why certain decisions were made and what went wrong etc. I found it really helped me to go through it bit by bit. If you feel that's something you might want to do go through PALS at the hospital you gave birth in.

It does get easier as time passes. 3 months is still very early, I'm 6 years down the line from my traumatic birth now and although I think about it from time to time it's more of a fleeting thought and I feel fine about it now.

Good luck

I think it's worth mentioning to your health visitor.
It doesn't sound as severe as PTSD but it is worth flagging up. You don't want it to get any worse and maybe talking it through with a professional will nip it in the bud.
Birth really can be traumatic but the trauma can be overcome.

Thank you. I asked my HV about a debrief about a month after and she said to call the midwives office. I haven’t done because... I don’t know really. I don’t know what I want to achieve but I would like to read my notes.

Strangely when I saw a GP because I had an infection, the fact that he said he had read my notes and he felt that I had had a difficult birth was helpful. I needed someone just to acknowledge that it wasn’t nice!

Definitely request a debrief

Took a good few years and still occasionally stuff triggers me (dd1 is nearly 7 but the first new call the midwife had a birth in it that really did bring a lot of stuff back) but it gets easier with time. I'll warn you now though I found the first few birthdays quite hard going - gets easier once the kids get awareness of what day it is and that distracts you to carry you through more but when she was still a baby it really did knock me right back each year

Please do talk to your GP again and have the debrief with your midwife. It took me a few years to view my own experience with positivity. The first few months after birth can be tricky emotionally. Best to nip this in the bud and at the very least make your health carers aware.

Interesting point about birthdays, I hadn’t considered that.
I feel so jealous when friends have babies and I perceive it to be a ‘simple’ or ‘straightforward’ birth which is a bit fucked up, because I wouldn’t wish my experience on anyone.
I think you’re right that I should mention it and actually organise a debrief but I didn’t want to waste anyone’s time really! I think that’s what’s held me back.

I recommend a debrief. My first birth was traumatic and I kept reliving it in my head. I also resented women describing their "easy" births.

It took until after my third birth to request a debrief, but the head midwife was great. She acknowledged where things should have been done differently, which helped me to accept what had happened.

Sorry that you had a difficult birth

Thank you littlecabbage, and I’m sorry too to all pps here who have had rough births. I think it’s tricky because you’re expected to bounce back and if you got a baby to bring home at the end of it then ‘that’s all that matters’- and to a large extent it is all that matters, of course it is, but also childbirth is dreadful and that matters too.

Sorry, I’m rambling!
I’ll try to pluck up the courage to contact the midwives. Is it normal to contact them even though you’re no longer under midwife care?

Birthdays get easier as the child becomes more aware of it being their birthday coming up and you're distracted by a bajillion requests for a unicorn that poos glitter slime or whatever else. First 2 or so really flung me into a pit of despair with incredibly vivid flashbacks but it's a lot easier these days. The birth on Call the Midwife the other week (the final one of the triplets) was the first time I've been triggered by it in a long long while to be honest - and it was the whole combination of circumstances (thankfully not the triplet thing!) that was always going to be a huge trigger for me and I'd have avoided the episode if I knew it was coming to be honest.

Took me a long long while before I could deal with babies in incubators on the telly though. I only watch things like CtM now because the social history and history of how women's lives have changed is what I find utterly utterly fascinating - the birth bits are a total inconvenience really!

I never went down the debrief route in my case - because a lot of my issues weren't with the actual physical mechanics of the birth complications but were with how appallingly I was treated by the hospital in question. I felt like a birth debrief was going to just end up being them justifying how badly they'd treated me and blaming me for it all and make me feel even worse to be honest so I did avoid that one. The biggest healer for me was really the combination of my lovely community midwife's absolutely apocalyptically angry reaction hearing what had gone on (think there might still be a midwife shaped hole in my ceiling from how she hit the roof) and the fact that I got pregnant with DD2 fairly soon after and had her at a different hospital in the same trust and the staff at that hospital were utterly horrified at how they heard I'd been treated... made it all clear to me that I didn't deserve what had gone on and that the real problem wasn't me but was a massive failing of patient care, coupled with bank holiday staffing levels and just generally a cluster fuck of things going wrong.

Would say I wouldn't swap her for the world now... but someone's just taught her to play Baby Shark on the recorder and she's "practicing"... anyone want an almost 7 year old?!

After my first traumatic birth I was set that if I ever had another I'd want a planned c section so that I didn't have to go through it all again and didn't have to be at the whim of the midwives who didn't believe me when I said things were going wrong.

It took me 3 years to consider a second child, I got pregnant and then started having panic attacks. I had a debrief where the head midwife admitted the failings of the midwives during my first birth (she also told me they no longer worked there which I think speaks volumes). I also had a significant amount of counselling throughout my second pregnancy. I had a c section agreed.

I honestly believe my second birth healed the wounds from my first. My concerns and worries were validated by everyone I spoke with due to what happened with my first which made me realise I wasn't being stupid. My c section was so calm and positive and my recovery was much easier. 4 months down the line I'm much happier.

I highly recommend speaking to your doctor, getting a debrief and maybe some postpartum counselling if you still feel traumatised by it.

After my first traumatic birth I was set that if I ever had another I'd want a planned c section so that I didn't have to go through it all again and didn't have to be at the whim of the midwives who didn't believe me when I said things were going wrong.

That is exactly how I feel. I’m so glad to hear your elcs was a positive experience for you.

hexagonal- I think I might feel differently if I had seen my own midwife afterwards. She was on annual leave but had come into the hospital to see me, but I had already been discharged. I then didn’t see her and saw a number of other (lovely!) midwives but it wasn’t the same. My discharge notes said I had had a normal vaginal delivery with no complications for some reason, so the midwives who came to the house had no idea and I couldn’t bring myself to raise it with them except to say ‘I’ve had a section, please check my scar’

Thanks for the support. My little one is grinning at me from her crib so I mustn’t grumble- I know how lucky I am that I have her here

I’m so sorry you’ve gone through this. I had a very difficult experience with my first, ending up in a NICU spell for her for a week - utterly devastating. It’s only now - 37 weeks with #2 that I can really talk about what happened and look at the photos of that first week. I’ve planned a debrief for a couple of months post this one. I too found the validation from the consultant the Mw this time that last time was not well managed very helpful in terms of making me feel better about it. Interestingly, what made me feel a lot worse we’re friends ‘competeitive’ birth stories - birth isn’t a picnic for anyone but the feeling of comparison made it far worse. Comments re DD in NICU such as ‘well at least you got some sleep in the first week’ 😱

The worst person has recently had a horrendous experience with #2 which i wouldn’t wish on anyone but I think has made her re-evaluate.

A debrief would help I’m sure. It can be a very devastating experience to have had a difficult birth, people don’t talk about it enough.

I had a horrible first birth and really did not admit it as everyone else seemed to have. I went on to have a fabulous second birth but it still upsets me that I did not have that first time. You have taken a great first step telling us, now get some support. It will make a huge difference. It may never leave you but you can learn to accept that it happened and let it go. Births are all different, not many of us have the dream birth.

I too obtained my birthnotes, it was helpful to read them back. I also had a few sessions with a counsellor. It helped getting an understanding of how I felt and how I experienced the birth. It will take some time, but it will get better.

Its never how we imagined it would be however in time my anxiety disappeared as I was so busy with a new baby. Have you spoken to your gp or healthcare visitor?

I’m really sorry to hear you had a traumatic birth.
Mine took about 9 months to feel ok about. Things didn’t improve between 3 and 6 months.
The first birthday was weird, people kept saying how you must be looking forward to it are you having a party. And all I could think of was the hell i went through last year, the run up to it was worse but the day was great, kept it low key and enjoyed it.
Now 18 months since it’s fine, I can watch ctm but not any other birth programs. The only time I get upset is when I read an article in the news about someone who went through the same only it didn’t end well for them. Time has helped and I would like another child

I had a debrief abd it did help...i totally understand what you mean by hearing of others easy births.
After my 48hr labour full of complications ending in emcs my sisters went on to have straightforward births less the 6hours each. Obviously i was happy for them but i felt i drew the short straw

Comments re DD in NICU such as ‘well at least you got some sleep in the first week’

🤦🏼‍♀️ I’m fairly certain having a tiny baby in NICU doesn’t lend itself to having a wonderful night’s sleep!

I'm so sorry you had a traumatic time. I did too and also hate myself for 'dwelling' and not just 100% seeing it as positive because she arrives healthy. I hate myself for feeling envy. I upsetmyself last year as I caught myself asking a friends 'how many stitches did you have' after she described her glorious waterbirth. It was as though I was searching for a negative part of her experience to justify my trauma too. I recently sought a doula / midwife who was offering a birth trauma workshop. She has useful visualisation techniques etc. However what really really helped me was to talk through every second of my birth and how I felt. I realised I hadn't been able to do that with anyone. I didn't want to burden friends who may not have had children yet, I was reluctant to go over it again with my birth partners as they too were in some shock at what they'd experienced and so I had found myself repeating 'oh it was rough but baby is fine and I'm happy she's here'

Do you think you have someone impartial to talk to like that? Maybe a doula or an NCT leader that could spend two hours just listening, I felt so so relieve afterwards. At this stage I wasn't particularly looking for answers as whilst my birth was rough and traumatic I don't (in my specific case) hold any blame or any 'we should have done that instead' so I just needed to talk to process it rather than seek answers with a midwife consult.

Good luck with your healing x it's such a shame when we should look back on that day as empowering and beautiful and happy. X (I posted a thread recently called hypnobirthing fail please help if you wanted more advice) x

I had counselling with a specialist birth trauma counselor. It was really helpful. I tried requesting a debrief, (multiple times over an 18 month period including involving PALS 3 times) but my trust were so shit I never got one.

It's taken until the birth of DC2 (different trust, totally different experience) for me to really understand my emotions around the last birth and the part I and hospital staff had to play in how it went and why.

I’m so sorry you’ve had a traumatic birth experience. Birth trauma is a real thing and you deserve to have an explanation of what happened and why. It’s obviously not going to take the trauma away completely, but I’d hope that a proper debrief might give you some answers that might help you be better able to move forward. Definitely give the midwives a ring and request a debrief and I also recommend you contact the Birth Trauma Association. They do some really fabulous work with reducing the stigma surrounding birth trauma and helping women to overcome their awful experiences.

birthtraumaassociation.org.uk/