Feeling robbed by vaginal tear

[Italianshark]

I suffered a 4th degree tear 5 weeks ago and have had the horrific realisation today that my stitches have broken down and will possibly require reconstructive surgery.

I can't explain to my OH how the healing,infection, pain and general discomfort of this whole situation has made me feel, other than saying I feel robbed of the most magical time of my life by my labour injuries.

Can anyone else relate to this? I really have to have a word with myself some days and say 'you survived, she survived, you have a roof over your head and this problem will he's eventually' but it doesn't take away the days I can't sit down properly or go for long walks with my baby.

I assume it gets better? I say... into a glass of crisp Pinot Grigio...

Didn't want to read and run. My tear wasn't nearly as bad as yours so I can't compare my situation to yours. All id say though is your one example, of missing out on long walk a with the baby... honestly, baby isn't going to notice. That would be for you. For the image you have of yourself walking with the pram. Baby won't get anything from it. Fresh air can be enjoyed in the garden with you, whilst getting some lovely cuddles; that is something baby will feel warm and fuzzy about.

Oh dear, OP. You poor thing. Do you have a hemorrhoid cushion, like a doughnut shape, to sit on to avoid pressure on the wound? Also, to add to what PP said, my baby screamed blue murder whenever I put her in the pram at that age! I didn't get to go on a nice walk with her until she was about four months old. It still sucks that you're in such a bad way though. What caused it?

I can relate to the feeling of missing out but not to the tear.

DC3 was born a couple of months ago with a mild rash on her face. Day 4 and it transpired that she was very very poorly and had also lost 14% of her birthweight through a combination of being so unwell, tongue tie, oral thrush, cmpa & low milk supply. She was readmitted to hospital for a week and was on IV antibiotics and has 2 lumber punctures. She was diagnosed with suspected cmpa which meant I had to cut out dairy to continue breastfeeding, all while I had an infection myself. As I didn't have the strength to do this straight away and being in hospital with no access to proper food, an infection myself and no real bed to sleep in, I ended up giving formula and expressing to keep my supply as much as I could considering it was already low. Plus I was away from my other children.

As well as dealing with how she was, I was totally bereft and felt like my newborn had been taken away from me. Like those early days were gone forever and I would never get them back. Honestly they were the worst days of my life. My supply took a real beating and between everything we went through and having older children to look after I've not managed to exclusively breatfeed and have to mix feed, which honestly I hate but is better than nothing. I have tried so hard to increase my supply and I will always think what if I hadn't lost those first couple of weeks.

All I can say is that as mothers we all have our stories and all we can do is muddle through as best as possible and seek support when we need it. Going through something unexpected does detract from what you feel you should be doing. I can promise you though that one day it will just be a memory. Enjoy every day with your baby for what it is.

@ReaganSomerset she was born with her fists by her temples! Totally unexpected. I do get out with my LO but after 40 mins I feel like my undercarriage is going to give way.

@MaverickSnoopy I understand we all have different expectations and when you don't get to live them, it's so disheartening. I wasn't able to breastfeed as I had to be on strong antibiotics from the moment she was born, not that it helped because I got an infection despite them! Been on 4 different types and it's still not gone. I blame my GP though. They don't know what they're looking at. We should be able to visit our midwives for support much longer after giving birth I think, if we need to!!

Nowhere near as bad as you op but I had a really tough recovery with my son. I had a big episiotomy so not a tear but had to have physio for a long time to help with aftermath and nearly went down the route of surgery to correct (although didn't as my doc said it was likely to improve anything).

I missed out on a lot and although I was thrilled to have my baby and happy in that respect, it really got me down. I got an infection in my stitches too after I finally thought I was healing and it literally felt like a kick in the privates!

I did recover (almost fully) and am now having another baby due this month (although a section this time due to first time complications).

I hope you come to peace with it all. Xxx

*wasn't likely

Op what a difficult time you are going through
I’m so sorry you really don’t deserve this.
My tear was not as severe as yours but it did break down, like you due to severe infection.
It took months to heal properly, but I didn’t need surgery to correct it in the end, although they did say this was a possibility.
For your recovery, can I suggest that you insist on a referral to women’s physio.
Or if you can afford it could you go privately?
They are worth their weight in gold and I wish I had done it sooner.
Also do you have a follow up appointment with Gynae? Make sure this is in place also. Pester your gp if you need too, don’t let them fob you off.

Also re going fir long walks, tbh you are probably better off trying to keep off your feet as much as possible. Walking long distances at this point could overload your pelvic floor and encourage prolapse. Take any offers of help you can to rest through the day.
I was told to ensure I was eating well also, lots of protein and green veg for healing.

It’s true what a pp says your newborn won’t remember not going for long walks.
Just cuddle them plenty.
If you feel as though your Bernal health is suffering, push for some counselling. This is a traumatic experience you are going through.

I agree OP. Postnatally there is very little support for women. I had signs of infection in hospital but no one listened and I was declined pain relief. I'd seen a doctor post discharge who said I had gastroenteritis. It took me having a dizzy spell in front of my DDs consultant for anyone to actually take me seriously. Even then I was expected to walk from one side of the hospital when dd was to the other where MAU was (20 mins away). I collapsed when I got there. I had to have 3 lots of antibiotics and even then I wasn't right and was sent for a scan - took me ages to recover. Stuff like this really detracts so much for what should be a special time. I agree that counselling may help you.

Oh OP, sending solidarity. I know so well what you mean about the feeling of being robbed. And the difficulties in sharing emotions with DH. I had a second/third degree tear with DC2 (that was bad enough!) but a pretty bad prolapse meant I had to stay off my feet. All my visions of parenting a toddler with newborn in sling were kaput and the first year in my mind is just a blur of trying to rest, really.

Some advice: please look after your general health and try to avoid any winter illness - it was a horrible cough that precipitated my prolapse. Staying in is no bad thing with a newborn!

All the best to you with any further procedures. It will get better. Strange blessings are in a lot of things - my sex life with DH is now better, after all the undercarriage woes, than ever before. Our bodies are amazing in their abilities to heal.

Yep, same here. Had to adjust my expectations up front. Was a case of this or potentially no baby so I looked at it that way from the beginning and considered I had come out on the lucky side. I did not have it as bad as you as my stitches did not burst or become infected. I did have women’s physio from the day after birth though including sitz baths (in a round tub type thing where you sat on a floating mat with your nether regions exposed and you kept swapping from warm water tub to ice bath tub, the pain getting up and down into each was excruciating). Heavy duty pain meds in the beginning was a bit of a stumbling block with breast feeding but thankfully I had help via lactation consultant and paed to get through this then after a few weeks went on to breastfeed as usual.

For those suggesting donut cushions, you have to be very careful in this regard as they can actually concentrate pressure into the area - or so my physio said and I wasn’t going to argue,

Don’t want to be a downer but I quickly moved to quite significant incontinence (both). Figured I would have another child before getting things fixed up in this regard. Good news was my next caused no further damage, which was pretty impossible though really. Had to have an episiotomy due to previous scare tissue preventing stretching but no tearing at all and recovery from birth was fantastic unlike the first.

When I did go to get ‘fixed’ it turned out it was not so simple, may not even be possible and would entail the use of mesh etc which I did not accept (and that was 15 years ago before recent horror stories have become more public). I was able to quickly establish strategies to effectively deal with it so while a hassle I could well do without I would not say it is completely life altering as such.

While it’s not what you thought it would be at this point concentrate your efforts into your beautiful baby.

I had/have different injuries, but yes, I completely relate to what you're saying. All I can say is, it gets better. Your newborn will grow into an infant who will grow into a toddler and they'll become more and more fun, and you'll realise that those newborn days are mostly shit anyway. New motherhood is such a doozy, but dealing with such significant injuries on top is devastating. And you are injured. Do not let anyone tell you otherwise. If you don't rest and heal then you could compromise your future pelvic health. Does your husband understand how bad a 4th degree tear is? Is he supportive?
You are allowed to feel robbed. You are allowed to grieve. New motherhood shouldn't be like this, for anyone. You can be grateful for a healthy baby and still be pissed off that you're in the situation you are.

Hi OP. I can relate although my tear wasn't as severe as yours- I had a third degree tear, sepsis and a post partum haemorrhage of 4 litres which left me with aneamia following blood transfusions (I also had a suspected blood clot which they never found but I was treated for). I really struggled following the birth. The tear was so painful, I couldn't sit in one place or stand for long. At about 4 weeks pp I went to the supermarket with my mum who was horrified at how much I struggled to walk around. My NCT friends and family kept inviting me and DS to baby clubs, meals out, picnics etc. and I felt such a failure as I couldn't go. I was fit and healthy pre-pregnancy and in my late twenties when I gave birth and never imagined recovery would be so tough.

It did get better though. I did recover and I started enjoying life again with my baby. A couple of years later I'm even ttc number 2 and I never thought I'd want to go through it again. When I get pregnant I will definitely be requesting a c-section though, which I appreciate is no walk in the park but I'm terrified of tearing severely again and ending up incontinent for the rest of my life.

Things will improve. It's very early days and I totally get you feel robbed of this time as it's how I felt too. I hope your recovery is smooth and you manage to start enjoying your newborn soon.

Hi Op

Another one here who can totally relate to your post. Suffered a 3b tear and episiotomy for forceps delivery with my DD almost a year ago. So cannot imagine how you feel with your 4th degree tear!

I’m right in saying that as quite a small percentage suffer from severe tears (3rd/4ths) you go into labour being positive as majority of people you know tend to recover fairly quickly after birth. In reality for people like you or me unfortunately that is not the case. And it’s really tough to accept that you’ve got a shitty end of the deal.

All I can recommend is to get on antibiotics to clear up any infections. And then salt water baths every day to keep anymore at bay and encourage healing. Do what you can to get it to heal an then any reconstructive surgery can be assessed later down the line. It’s so hard for other people to understand when there not in that situation and you’re in so much pain.

I was so shocked by what happened to me an scared. I think it took me a few weeks to really click on this was my baby and bond. And I struggled to do much in those early weeks. But that’s just what life threw at us. Don’t beat yourself up.

I’m now 11 months pp and I have recovered. Things are never going to be as they were down there. An I have small issues here & there. But nothing compared to what I thought I would have in those first few months.

Give it time. Plenty of time. I cried down Tesco aisle at 9 weeks pp as it was still agony to walk and I thought why me. Is this ever going to end.

4 months pp saw a leap for me in terms of healing and discomfort. And 7 months pp I felt 95% recovered. Which is probabaly where i will stay. But I can deal with that.

I have enjoyed my daughter SO much more the last 6/7 months. Feeling better in yourself does make a difference. You have days and months and years ahead to enjoy with your baby/child so try not to stress about that. Although I totally understand it’s hard but those bad feelings just fester if you don’t try bat them away.

P.S deffo will be asking for ELCS for second baby if I ever dare get pregnant again!

I can also completely relate to how you are feeling, I had a complicated 3c tear which took about 3 hours to repair and was incredibly uncomfortable for a long time after birth. For the first 6 months I was unable to leave the house due to fear that I wouldn’t make it to the loo in time which was incredibly detrimental to my well being, I felt like such a failure.

I absolutely feel like I was robbed of the first 6 months of DDs life, I struggled to care for her physically, couldn’t take her anywhere and actually really struggled to bond with her at all as I think subconsciously I felt like it was partly her fault (clearly not the case... but it was how I felt at the time!).

DD is nearly four now and things are so, so much better. I would say by about the 6 month mark I was feeling ok and by a year almost back to normal.

DD is the best thing in my world and we are even about to start ttc for a second... something I never thought I would be able to bring myself to do.

It will get better, be gentle to yourself, be honest with people close to you about how you are feeling, physically and emotionally and just take each day at a time.

Thank you all for replies. I was diagnosed with a 3rd degree tear and it wasn't until the surgeon was stitching she noticed I had called into the '4th degree' section by a matter of millimetres. So the positivity I hold onto is that I'm not suffering with the actual anal problems most 4DT sufferers face.

My mind frame is now that by the summer, il be hopefully healed and can enjoy it with my family!

Can I ask you ladies how soon after your tears you were able to have sex? That's another thing I miss so much 🙈 will it ever feel the same?

Fingers crossed for you, OP, and hopefully you can feel much better before that.

We didn’t have sex for about a year - more of a mental block for me than anything else. When we did start again I was unhappy with how numb it felt; it was like my nerves had to re-learn a lot of things down there. It did feel more ‘slack’ to me for a good while, too, although my husband was reassuring.

Things really improved over the following year. I think it helps to think of sex as part of your recuperation and practise kegels at the same time! I did re-learn the pleasurable sensations, and it actually feels better for me now than before the tear/prolapse.

Op from my experience, you will certainly feel more yourself by summer and be able to enjoy it. Just take each day and week as it comes. Time is the healer here.

As for sex. We tried at 9 weeks pp but that was maybe a bit ambitious. We managed it but I was still quite sore at that point and sex hurt for me. I did have issues with a hypertonic pelvic floor though where it went into spasm. I saw a women’s health physio on NHS for 8 months at the hospital and she worked with me to be able to relax my pelvic floor muscle more as that was my issue. The months of pain had caused me to constantly tense my muscles.

Things have improved greatly since then. Little or no discomfort during sex which is a vast improvement on teeth clenching pain before. Things are different in that area a little for me just because of my repair...hard to explain. Maybe certain positions are out. And my tissue is more fragile sometimes. But I never lost any sensation and I seem to be able to orgasm easier nowadays since the birth...so it’s not all negatives!!

We’ve managed to gain some form of sex life back. An no it won’t ever be the same as before but when is it ever with a child lol. It took awhile for me to get used to the small changes but it’s soon become the new norm for me if that makes sense.

Try when you feel ready and healed. And if you have any issues or pain. Don’t hesitate to seek help as so much can be done.

I couldn’t read and run. I had a 4th degree tear two years ago, tore up into my bowel. I didn’t suffer the break down of the stitches you are but the pain from it healing and what transpired was a coccyx fracture on top of it all was pretty awful. I definitely felt robbed of that blissful birth everyone had reassured me I would of course have but equally so grateful that we were both ok. All I can offer is the absolute reasurance that 2 years down the line it’s all fine. I healed really well, did a lot of physio and as a result have no continence problems etc. I still feel pretty emotional that I’ll never have that calm water birth, get immediate skin to skin and home in 5 hours but we are both fine which I am forever grateful for and my next will be delivered by elective section which I’ve been reassured will be a much calmer process! I hope things improve for you soon x

I can 100% relate to this post. I didn't have a really bad vaginal tear (small one only) but did tear in my anal region (existing hems from pregnancy + a shit load of pushing will do that!) so I suffered with very very painful bum problems and some pelvic weakness for at least the first 6 months of DC's life. I was so depressed and realise now that I was both angry and resentful towards DC (despite it not being their fault at all!) and also mourning the naively blissful newborn days that I had expected. DC is now 3 and I can look back in hindsight and realise that regardless of my injuries the newborn days were always going to be shit - all they do is cry and poop!

I'm now completely fine - though I still take a stool softener daily to ensure no pain returns but I'm fine with doing this for the rest of my life if I have to. My DC is now a confident, energetic little toddler and I choose not to look back on those dark, blurry days at the beginning of his life anymore and instead enjoy his little personality now! Newborns are boring anyway!