Choosing birth partner

[Landladymews]

I’m having difficulty deciding who my birth partner should be. It’s my first birth so I don’t know what to expect and whether I would prefer to be left alone or if I would want someone around.

I would like DH to be there at the start during contractions etc but once it starts to get bloody and gorey I don’t really want him around.

The other person I could have around is my mother. I’m very close to her but she doesn’t really have a good memory of her birth experiences and they all ended up being c-sections. I think she’s also not naturally reassuring (that was always my dad) but her presence can be reassuring in the sense that she is my mum.

None of my close friends have given birth yet so can’t ask any of them.

Any advice?

Is there a reason you don't want your H there for the end?

It was a no brainer for me, my H and no one else.

Someone who will get whatever you need and be assertive. DH gets queasy very easily but was fine mopping up blood and holding a bucket for me to be sick (and clearing up the sick he missed). He left me alone when asked for dc1, and then delivered dc2 when I didn't call the midwife in time.

Why not have DH and your mother ? They can take turns to sit with you / have a break. You really should rethink the DH thing - it's his child too, and that moment of the birth isn't "blood and gore", it's the child you made together. He was there at the start - don't send him away at the end !

I just had DH, I think that’s fairly standard. Why don’t you want him there for the actual birth?
Could you have your DH and your mum and they can take it in turns?

I didn’t fancy the idea of DH being there for the ‘blood and gore’ either, but decided he should be there as it was the birth of his child. When it came to it, it didn’t bother me at all and he was absolutely amazing. It really is a beautiful experience to share. I never understand why people want there mothers there though!

You need someone willing and able to stand up against midwives to express your wishes. I know for a fact that neither my DH nor mum could do this and so have decided if I do get pregnant I’ll hire a doula.

I just don’t want my husband seeing me in that state and I don’t think I will find it reassuring to have someone there who has no idea about what I’m going through. I’ve spoken to him about it and he’s absolutely fine with it. I know people will moan at me here for this but it my choice and I want to be comfortable. I shouldn’t have to do something because that’s what everyone else does and thinks is right. I would feel much more reassured having a woman who has been through it all with me. I have an Aunt who would be wonderful, she’s very reassuring and has been at her daughters labours a few times but she lives abroad. I wish I had someone close by like that. A doula might be the best option. I just don’t know whether it’s better to have someone around that you know well. Maybe mum plus doula might work.

I didn't like the idea of my DP seeing all the 'blood and gore' either but it seemed like a no brainer for him to be there for the birth of his baby, I just made him stand/sit at the upper half of my body so that I didn't feel tense about him seeing anything a bit gross. I also had my mum in with us who was great for support.

Grace7 interesting I think that would be ok with me

I just asked DH to stay at chest level, and tbh he wasn’t too interested in what was happening at my lower half anyway. He was sat in a chair holding my hand and couldn’t see anything.

The only time he saw any blood etc was when the placenta was delivered, and that’s because he was daft enough to look when he knew he didn’t want to see.

Yeah that would be my only concern if he was with me at cheat level, DH is hyper observant and curious!

I had dh and it was invaluable. My epidural ran out, it was a twin birth, and he had to be assertive with a junior dr (who seemed a bit scared of his superiors) to get the pain relief I needed. Don't worry about him seeing you like that, it brings you closer together in my experience. Many dhs say it gave them a new love for their wife after seeing her achieve that.

Yep I did also tell dh he wasn't allowed near the action end!!!

I banned DH from looking with dc1. He was so busy swearing and panicking with dc2 that he wasn't looking at me, just at dc2 coming out and trying to see how to catch him.

I do understand that you don't want him to see that, do you think he would stay where you tell him and not look? If he won't then don't have him there.

My DH is really squeamish, gets faint if you even talk about blood/needles etc, but was actually fab for DS's birth. I made him stay at my head/chest end, so he didn't see the actual birth but he was with me the whole time and was a fantastic support. If I'd had an epidural I'd have sent him out for that bit, (I'm an anaesthetist, so put epidurals in as part of my job and have had more than one dad faint during it, so send them out if they're even the slightest bit queasy looking) but I'm very glad he was there for the whole thing.

I didn't want DH there for the actual delivery but he was adamant. I really regret it. He ended up at the 'business end' due to the shape of the room and the number of other professionals and it's seriously affected my relationship with him. I just can't get past that now and it's totally put me off sex with him or being intimate with him. It's been 3 years now and if anything it's getting worse.

I'd have preferred no one there.

I was also really like preoccupied during the birth about what he was seeing, I couldn't relax and I think it contributed massively to my terrible labour.

Whoever you pick, make sure you are comfortable with them.