Did anyone else lie during their labour?

[TheGoddessBlossom]

This has been nagging at me since I heard my friends' birth story yesterday, and she was telling me that during her (second) labour, the urges to push weren't as strong as they had been during the birth of her first child.

With my first son, I had had an epidural, so didn't feel anything anyway, just obeyed the midwives when they told me to push. But with my second son, I was in such a state, with the pain of my contractions smashing me from the top of my head to the tip of my toes, that when the midwife told me that I was 10 cms (on no pain relief) and to let her know when I felt the urge to push I said "I've been feeling that for ages!" and she said come on then, PUSH!! So I did. And nothing happened and he ended up being forceps.

Both of my children got dragged out (ventouse and forceps) and I was told that I could have pushed for a year and got neither of them out on my own because I have a kink that prevents them being pushed out, but I still feel like I completely lied and completely failed, and as I am unlikely to have anymore i will never feel this pushing urge or do it right!

I know I shouldn't care, and in the grand scheme of things it doesn't matter but I would be interested in anyone else that hasn't felt the things they are supposed to be feeling in labour but has said that they did........

You shouldn't feel guilty!

If you've got a physiological reason why you can't deliver vaginally, and you want another child, please speak to a consultant about perhaps having a csection.

Have you tried talking to someone about your feelings?

Say, the birth trauma website?

I never had any urge to push. In fact, the midwife had to explain what kind of pushing she meant - I seem to remember it was something about "doing a huge hard poo". I was actually quite cheesed off to learn that I had to try and push the baby out yourself - after all, I hadn't had to dilate my own cervix, had I? I wouldn't worry about it!

there are many reasons that you would have needed help to deliver

feeling out of control, too much pain, the position you were in, the position of the baby....

what sort of kink?? there is a curve the baby has to come around, in every woman, and once they are pushed past that bend, then it gets easier!

also, lying on your back is much harder, than say, a squatting or all fours position

have you been debriefed or got in touch with an y birth trauma sites?

I didn't, either, MuminBrum.

With my first, she was face up and had her hand up by her ear. So I wound up with epidural and forceps.

With DD2, things went FAST. I was 9cm upon arrival at hospital, so no time for pain relief.

And I didn't feel the need to push.

I felt like I wanted to take a giant crap.

no I have'nt talked to anyone about it, have only realised or thought it "out loud" in the last 24 hours really, so it's not ruining my life or anything...

If I did have another I would deffo have a c-section. I've been told twice now that I can't deliver naturally, due to this mythical "kink", but that is all the information I have on it....but i wouldn't put myself or my Dh through that experience again for sure...

My cousin is a midwife and couldn't understand why the midwife I had was having to put her fingers up me to hold a "flap" down(?) to help me try to get him out when I said that I wanted to push, ie, if I wanted to push he should have been further down and the midwife should have known that....

but of course I had lied hadn't I, about what I was feeling - and they're not mind readers.....

i love the way that people (such as certain antenatal teachers) talk about labour beforehand as if you're going to be sitting there going 'mm, I feel sensation X at the moment, and mmm, here comes a different sensation, and that's - oh yes, that's a desire to push'

in my experience it was more like being in the middle of 100,000 screamed conversations at once, all of which were violent

had no sense of separate 'pushiness' at all, though partly because I was crpping my ase off throughout first stage (sorry TMI) so it all felt pretty similar tbh

thanks Speecy and all - yeah your right it's immaterial. Glad I'm not the only one!!

is the flap she was holding down , an anterior lip of cervix....sometimes that can happen, and stop baby moving down adequately, and cause problems

i;d get hold of your notes and go through them, and find out what this 'kink' is

contact PALS or head of midwifery at the hospital

It wasn't really a lie, it was wishful thinking - 10cm dilated is when you'd expect to be pushing - yoou have nothing to feel guilty about.

Childbirth can leave alot of women feeling like they failed in some way. I did because i had an induction after trying everything to have a home birth - and one that went wrong. It took months to feel ok about it and to stop feeling like i'd messed up in some way.

The only thing that helped me was going over my notes with a midwife at the hospital for 'difficult birth debriefing'. Having it all explained in black and white allowed me to realise it was out of my control and finally put it behind me.

although some women reach full dilation and don;t feel the urge to push for minutes or even hours....this is the 'rest and be thankful' stage.....

after the first stage and the transition, often the body can need to rest and recoup some energy.

often that is when you are forced into trying to push with no urge..or given synto or other interventions

you've nothing to feel bad or guilty about...i felt like i didn't know what the hell i was doing-didn't get the pushing thing, was doing it wrong and getting very tired and frustrated...i think i'd thought i'd know exactly what to do and how to do it but i didn't at all. it was ventouse in the end for me too but afterwards it didn't seemed to matter-dd was out and that wsa the main thing...

and i agree you should get this kink thing explained

that's interesting about the rest stage lulumamma-don't think i had that but then was being induced...maybe next time!

With ds, never felt the urge to push at all. Didn't really 'get' the pushing thing - after a fast dilation (for a first labour) my pushing stage took forever.
Second one - defn urge, all happened very fast

Never had a need to lie about it, but otoh, it doesn't tend to feature in my descriptions of my labour, tbh, unless I'm being very blow-by-blow

I never had a physical urge it was more a change of mental state. Went from being really drowsy and out of it to highly alert and thinking 'I ought to push now' - very weird!

I didn't really feel the urge to push with ds1 and dd, though I did sort of say I did. I pushed when I was told, and pushjed for hours with both.

My third birth was very diffeerent, I was just left to get on with it myself and I was bearing down completely naturally. I said to the midwife "I sort of feel a bit like I need to push" ...

Master of understatement - his head came out next contraction

DOn't worry when i had DS1 i had an epidural and way to much gas and air i was 17 and scared to death after a very difficult pregnancy so literally about 10 mins after being in labour i was yelling i anted to push even though i could feel a dam thing. I was in such a tizz i didn't know what i anted to do!

The main thing is you gave irth to yor babies and thats that wether its natural/c section/ventous whatever YOU carried and birthed those kids so you should be damn proud of yourself.

Gosh, please try not to feel bad about it. Reading your story it makes me think 'why does this woman feel so guilty, it sounds like a really intense experience and to my mind, some confusion/ talking bullshit/ being under so much pressure physiacally that you think you're going to die and your usual honest candidness goes up the creak slightly, is all part of the evidence that we are out of control when this thing is happneing to us.
Very vivid as DS2 was born 2 days ago, but they kept on at me too, did I want to push, or saying that I DID, when in fact I had no desire to at all, no urge, my body WAS pushing bloody hard but I couldn't stop it or start it, only just realised at the end that I could perhaps add a little if I made the effort...but it was like, 'shit, do I have to 'do' something on top of what is happening already?' It felt better once I did, I'll say that much...but it was all out of my control, and I think for most of us, everything at that stage is a sort of blur of agony.
Wishing you big hugs to feel better about it. I remember feeling like I cheated with DS1, as I had an epidural, but having been through the non-medicated version now, I would go for a section 3 weeks early if I ever did it again!!

XX

i felt something but i wouldnt describe it as an urge to push. it was more like the baby was forcing its way out whether i liked it or not, urge or no urge

however i did try to pretend that i wasn't pushing when i was (i just wantd to get ON with t) and the midwife saw right through my protestations of 'I'm not pushing!'

Throg - you just said what I meant, but better!
No deliberate pushing involved but it is happening anyway.