Terrified of giving birth

[overagain]

Had an absolutely awful first birth. Looong recovery and ongoing/ permanent problems following it. Had birth trauma counselling/ uro-gynae and physio which helped.

I'm now pregnant with DC2. Ummed and arrd about this pregnancy and seriously considered terminating as I do not want to make things worse or go through that again.

And before anyone starts here is where my head was/ is - it was NOT worth it, I did not forget the pain, I didn't get to a point where I just wanted the baby out safely (I actually got to a point where I forgot I was having a baby and just wanted them to kill me and when DSs heart rate dropped I didn't care).

I've opted for a c section this time, which should get signed off in 2 weeks (I'm currently 22 weeks). I absolutely do not want to go through any labour, the flash backs are horrific and it's now keeping me up at night. It isn't anxiety, it is remembering what happened previously, so I'm not worried about the unknown. I'm worried about it happening again, which is a genuine possibility.

I don't know what to do. I guess if I abort now I'll have to give birth anyway. I just wish I hadn't done this, should have got rid earlier. The idea of going in to labour before my section date is keeping me up at night (DS was 38+1).

I just don't know what to do.

I can relate to this feeling completely. I Had similar experiences and feelings.

With your counselling - have you had any more now you are pregnant ?

Do not feel shame for thinking about aborting etc, you are obviously very scared, and having had such a difficult time time before you have nothing else to compare birth to.

I will say this - if you go into labour before your due date, with an elective section don’t they still continue with a section?

I know a few women who gave birth naturally then had sections after and said they were a much more relaxing experience, although recovery can be hard - it is nothing like the after care of a traumatic birth.

Have you spoken to your midwifes about this ? How helpful have they been x

Surfinbird thanks for your reply.

I will say this - if you go into labour before your due date, with an elective section don’t they still continue with a section?

Seems (from reading this forum) it is very dependent on the hospital and the specific staff you get. Some will just bump you up the list, some will 'strongly advise' a trial of labour and some will keep you labouring until it gets tot the point where they absolutely cannot wait any longer.

I don't really have a midwife. I've only seen a midwife 3 times, all different ones, all very 'you can have a section if you want' but no further discussion . The registrar I've seen has been lovely and was pretty certain I'd get a c section but couldn't really be any more help. I'm due to see the consultant at 24 weeks. I'm not due to see a midwife until 28 weeks.

I had several midwives too, it didn’t settle the anxious feeling because I’d have to explain the situation over and over again.

I have been put off having any more kids after my experience, so I’m sorry I can’t be more help. I really really do hope you get the birth you want and need. X

Would your registrar book the section in for 37 weeks? Is your birthing partner assertive? You need someone to go with you if the worst happens and you go into labour early, to stand at the midwives station and make a massive scene until you are sent to theatre.

Completely understand your POV having given birth a few days ago to dc2! I would echo some of the advice above and say, if the only reason you would want to abort at this stage is the birth, please dont worry. Your views on this are so strong that I think you're a front runner for a c sec. The reason it all feels up in the air is because you dont get anything confirmed with birth choices and sections until you've seen the consultant and also just generally later in pregnancy.

If you go in to labour before your due date of course you can still have a section. If it is all too fast for that then you'll have the baby before you experience the horror that you are imagining. If you dont even like the idea of strong contractions and you feel like the section won't be immediate there are other things to consider like asking for an epidural asap! I agree your birthing partner should be your greatest advocate and clued up on what you want and voice it strongly!

Can you speak to your GP and ask about Rewind Therapy? It's therapy for PTSD, which by the sounds of it is what you suffer with. I'm pretty sure you're a candidate for a section. What you need to do now, is deal with the stress the idea of birth is causing you as it's very unhealthy for you and your baby.