Deciding on a home birth

[Jasminecc]

I am in my 28th week of pregnancy and having a lot of anxiety about not getting to have a water birth if I go to hospital. I'm considering a home birth to give myself a better chance of having a water birth. Obviously if something happens with my labour that prevents it il accept that it wasn't supposed to be. However to miss out on giving birth the way I intend to just purely because someone else got there first bothers me. My partner is completely against home births and my midwife has said I'm the perfect candidate for a home birth. I'm a good age, pregnancy is low risk and my baby couldn't be healthier. Am I being selfish by ignoring my partner and his concerns about home births or am I entitled to be selfish because it's my body that's actually labouring and doing it his way may stress me out?

I’m sure others will be along to disagree but I think it’s selfish to ignore your partner’s wishes. I’ve had three DC and there is no way I would have wanted any of them at home, they all needed some sort of immediate attention from doctors after birth. There is also around a 50% chance that you will need to go to hospital anyway. Which kind of throws out the issue of a water birth anyway.
Of course, many thousands of women do have success ful home births but yes, I think to selfish to ignore your partner’s concerns.. which are probably based on genuine fears

I planned a home birth with my second. I hate hospitals but I had no idea how I would cope in labour so I had my first in hospital.
If it’s your first baby you may end up deciding you don’t want a water birth.
How far is hospital? In an emergency how fast could you get there?

Things can go very wrong very quickly. It doesn’t matter that your baby “couldn’t be healthier”.

It’s ultimately your choice but very few doctors opt for home births. That tells me something.

For me, it boils to two separate things. How far from the hospital are you? and what are his reasons for being so against home birth? Following on from the 2nd, would his attitude/feelings mean you would need another birth partner if you stayed at home?

I also think it's great to think about how you would like things to go, but being rigid isn't a good idea. I was told I was an ideal home birth candidate by a couple of experienced midwives with my first...they were very wrong.

I had two home births, with my second, there were 6 midwives there as she was born, just for me, as it was shift swap time and the original 3 wanted to stay and see the baby.

I think it varies from trust to trust but where I live there is a sustained rate of 25% of successful home births, and the midwives are all really positive about it. I think unless your partner has a good reason to disapprove, and not just fluffy 'what if's then it's your body, your choice.

You dh is being selfish for not supporting your choice to. That said, I experienced first hand how hard it is to get the support needed from a partner who isn't behind a home birth 100%. There's a book called Home Birth for Dads that he could read. Go for it OP, you might get the home birth you want if you try for it, you definitely won't if you don't try!

I'm one street away

I'm one street away from the hospital and his reason for not wanting it is incase something goes wrong. I feel like I have to choose between stressing myself out or him and I don't want to do either. Feel pretty stuck with choosing his needs or mine

If it's literally the water birth that's the only reason, could you book a home birth and then on the day you can call and decide to go in if a pool is free?

I had two home births for first and second child and my memories of labour and birth are very positive. I actually enjoy reliving them which is apparently unusual.

You're one street away which is great, perhaps you could ask your midwife for your areas hb stats to help make up your mind?

I will say that home birth doesn't even guarantee a water birth though. Dc1 the midwives got me out to do squats and lunges as I was refusing to move about, dc1 was born upstairs in the bathroom. Dc2 I didn't realise how close I was so dh delivered him in the bathroom (again!) as by the time I realised I hadn't called the midwife in time as I felt pretty good, and it was too late for me to get down the stairs. The pool was all ready for me and everything!

All my 3 DC were born at home, as planned. Two of those were water births. For me, it was all about my home comforts, being in my home environment and being able to ‘relax’ afterwards. I just didn’t want to be in hospital! They were all positive experiences and thankfully, all without complications. I was fortunate that the pregnancies were straight forward too. My DH was fine with the decision though, and actually enjoyed being at home. I don’t think you’re being selfish wanting to do it your way.

I had home births with my second and third. (I would have liked one with my first, but no one supported me in that and in any case he went so far past the EDD it wouldn't have been an option anyway). One street away from hospital and a midwife supporting it? I'd do it. Your DH's concerns may be genuine but this is one time his feelings do not matter as much as yours- you are giving birth, he isn't.

I didn't have water births, btw. With ds1 I got into a bath soon after my contractions started and was told to get back out within 10 minutes as it seemed to be speeding things up rather than slowing them down and they were worried I'd deliver in the bathroom on the antenatal ward. I didn't find water at all helpful (wandering around and ignoring everyone and not being touched and shouting through the contractions was what worked for me!)

I'm about to have a talk about it to a home birth midwife with my mum to get as much information as possible so will ask if I can go to hospital when the time comes if a bath is available. My partner won't unfortunately come with us to hear the information himself. I also have fears that baby will be quick and am aware it may just be that I can't have the bath for other reasons but am more relaxed about things just happening different to my plan if they have to. I just hate the thought of taking an option away to find out it would of been a better choice for myself overall

Why won’t he come?
TBH if you’re that close to a hospital then I would consider it. When I planned a home water birth we had a bag packed in case and they also brought stuff to resuscitate both baby and I if needed.

I had home birth with number one and currently planning home birth with number 2. I live 8 minutes from the hospital. Midwives can tell when things are not going to plan, long before it may be apparent to mum and birth partners. They would always err on the side of caution if concerned.

My partner thinks a midwife will only sell it to us because she will want me to do it and not look at what's safest for me and he said no facts will sway him into agreeing to it. I asked him to come and then I would choose not to do it if he was still very again it but he is refusing. I'm planning on packing for hospital just incase and will 100% accept going if the midwife recommends it or at the time things change and it would be unsafe for baby and me

I think to be fair, in my personal experience home birth midwives aren’t a wonderful source of unbiased information. I should declare my own bias as a (now ex) doctor who has seen some horror stories after failed home births.

Is he always such a bully and so eager to dismiss what you want?
I can understand him having concerns. But to refuse to explore the possibility and get advice over how suitable a home birth is to you is ridiculous.
What happens when he decides not to vaccinate your child or that he wants to smack?

I think he is aware of it stressing him out and isn't willing to sway his opinion in any way to prevent him being uncomfortable. I thought he would come with me just so he could still say no and I would accept it but unfortunately I was wrong. This is why I feel torn between my own stress and his because choosing to do what feels best to me will mean consciously upsetting him. Which tbh will make me uncomfortable either way so pretty stuck 😒

Why would he be more stressed at home with professionals to handle what happens, a hospital round the corner and having be reassured it’s safe.
Not all women can or should have a home birth. But for a partner to bully you out of it do no concrete reason? He’s not going to be any kind of help as a birth partner, he wouldn’t be someone I wanted to parent with and TBH I would be seriously considering whether he should be an ex.

Why would he be more stressed at home with professionals to handle what happens, a hospital round the corner and having be reassured it’s safe.

Sometimes getting to a hospital “around the corner” can still actually take quite a long time.

I’m not saying the OP should have a homebirth. I’m no medical professional and even if I was I have no idea of her history. I chose not to have a homebirth with my first as I felt safer in hospital.
What is an issue is that this man has decided he can dictate where she gives birth. He’s allowed to have concerns and I wouldn’t blame him if he did. But to refuse to explore whether homebirth is a suitable option or not or to even discuss it? Unacceptable.