SHOULD WE TELL FIRST-TIME MUMS-TO-BE OUR BIRTH STORIES, OR WILL IT TERRIFY THEM?

[lissie]

i will be seeing an old friend tomorrow and she is due in sept. apparently she wants to know all about labour. do you think its a good idea to share our less than positive birth experiences with mums-to-be? is ignorance really bliss?

I had a very traumatic birth and suffered PND and PTSD. I was the first to give birth out of my group of friends and lots of people asked me what it was like.

I told them the truth. I said, first, look, it wasn't nice, do you still want to hear about it? They ALL said yes. So I told them, calmly, without exaggerating, and I also told them the various reasons why things had happened. I also told them that absolutely every birth is different and that that chances are they will be fine. My only advice was 'expect the unexpected' and 'find out as much as you can about all your options.'

I tried to keep to the middle ground between 'ooh, it's the most amazing thing ever, no, it's doesn't hurt at all' and 'yeah, you'll be screaming and covered in blood and shit for two days while the midwives mock you, ha ha ha.' They all seemed to appreciate it. Pregnant women aren't children, when they ask they generally want to be told the truth. If they don't ask, I don't volunteer the information, but most seem to want to know.

while I was pregnant I listened to many different womens birth stories. (why is it we never hear many positive stories?) This did not terrify as I just thought this baby HAS to come out, no point in getting worked up about it. if I am tense it will only make the pain more intense. I very much enjoyed my labour, yes it was uncomfortable and tiring. my contractions came on very quickly, 2mins apart from beginning. 7 hours later, with no pain relief my 9lb 7oz son was born.
good luck to all you expectant mummies. try not to fret too much, you will forget the pain very quickly!xx

I just realised I went off on a tangent then, generally most women know its not going to be an easy ride and therefore think you should be honest with your friend.

I think the trouble with birth stories is that everyone's experience is different.

Most of us would really just like to know what's going to happen to us - and for it to be a past event rather than an unknown. Sometimes hearing lots of birth stories is as close as you can get.

I personally get annoyed with the -oh it's going to hurt- attitude because firstly it's not very nice or contructive and secondly it's not necessarily true. I've never found labour to be painful and I'm the world's biggest wimp.

I think if she wants to hear the story you should tell it but emphasise it as YOUR experience and tell her to keep an open mind.

i had lovely birth tell everyone even if they dont want to know

I'm in the rather know camp.
My friend normally regales me with her nightmare birth story (had emergency CS, senior surgeon instructed operating surgeon to start cutting before the epiudural had kicked in properly ) and still didn't put me off. I'm 12 weeks now, maybe I'll feel differently in another few more months lol

I think some people feel safer and less scared not knowing, and some feel less scared knowing as much as possible. if she is asking then she is probably in the second camp. I got so frustrated with people not telling me all the details when I was pg first time round. Just because someone's pelvis broke in the middle of labour (one story I heard) doesn't mean I will suddenly panic that that will happen to me! The more you know the less daunting it seems, to me anyway..
So yes tell her all!

broke her pelvis?? Gulp!

Err, can I book a c-section now

I was more terrified of afterwards even after hearing lots of horror stories at NCT and from mums. Being responsible for the little darling was scarier but worth it.

It's a tricky one!

I'd say the best state of mind is 1. knowing HOW you should be treated so you can defend yourself from poor treatment. 2. Being open minded and optimistic about what will happen and not having a very fixed idea about birth, which can be hard to come to terms with if it doesn't happen.

Forwarned is forearmed but its a fine line. Knowing that she should question it if some midwife tries to get her to wear a constant fetal monitor and give birth on her back unless there is a decent medical reason, could be good to know. Warning about pethadine potentially effecting BF if she wants to try that is good. You could say that women experience birth and pain differently and it's luck more than anything. I think that would be a fair comment.

I'm 25 weeks pregnant and VERY SCARED about my next birth because the first one was very medical and was practically the oposite of my birth plan. I now know SO many horror stories of unfair treatment in hospital and whilst I'm glad to know what I know to do what I can to protect myself, I am still really scared and my gran is planning to hire a doula for me!

So, back to my orignal point - it's a tough one.

bouncingturtle - broken pelvis was 30 years ago and it was child number 6 - apparently with child number seven she was just taking her knickers off as she arrived at the hospital and the baby slid out!!! Now that's more like it...

well, spoke to her and told her about ds's birth and she seemed to appreciate it, asked about the cs, how i felt about it. i told her what i thought had gone wrong and just pushed the fact that we know our own bodies better than the mw's do so she needs to be aware of her options and make sure that her dh is briefed on what she wants and what can go wrong. tbh, i would have died if dh hadnt gone hunting a doctor (didnt tell her that) so pushed the importance of dh knowing the ins and outs of childbirth

v. good advice lissie.

thank you. as i was telling it i kept thinking "shit, this is going to really scare her" but ended it with, noah was born, 9lb2 and screaming. he was worth every second and hes all the more precious coz i had to go thru that for him to arrive