SHOULD WE TELL FIRST-TIME MUMS-TO-BE OUR BIRTH STORIES, OR WILL IT TERRIFY THEM?

[lissie]

i will be seeing an old friend tomorrow and she is due in sept. apparently she wants to know all about labour. do you think its a good idea to share our less than positive birth experiences with mums-to-be? is ignorance really bliss?

If she wants to know then yes, tell her warts and all. Seems to me people fall into 2 camps - those who want to know absolutely everything, and those who want to remain completely in the dark! I'm in the former and everything I knew prepared me really well.

What's important is that she has time to process what you've said and that she de-briefs.

just worried that it'll scare her. she's giving birth at the same hospital i did too and they made some awful mistakes!

Yes, I think it is. One of the most miserable aspects of my preg with ds was the knowing comments from mums. "Oooh, just you wait, you think you are tired now", or, on my decision to go to a birth centre, "first one is it? Just get that epidural in you" etc etc. It really didn't help.

My mum on the other hand was, as I can now see, rather coy about her labours and kept telling me that yes it was hard, but ok and managable.

I think it is essential for women to feel some confidence when they go onto labour, rather than feeling terrified. Yes, things might not work out, but just trying to scare people (in a completely unconstructive way, as you just don't know what their experience will be) is just horrible and yet another sad example of women not helping each other.

perhaps you could give her advice on her birth plan to help her avoid having the same experiences? Or make her aware of things she needs to know or to ask for?

You don't mean like suffering piles, pooing yourself or tearing all the way then?!

lol, i had a crash cs following a failed induction and they put my bladder back in the wrong place (too low down). id not even considered that things might go wrong (hey, its labour, women have been doing it for years) and tbh i dont know if im glad that i didnt know how things could go wrong...

ditto mars

yes, you had a horrible experience, doesn;t follow she will too..but that is the truth about your experience, so by all means tell her...but also encourage her to read about birth..you know the score, Ina may, Sheila Kitzinger, Janet Balaskas

and to join mumsnet !

yes

detail is good

what is not good is general "ooh it is very painful, ooh just you wait, cackle"

but specifics, and tips ARE helpful.

Ignorance isn't normally bliss, is it? Would you want to know?

Blimey Lissie, that is terrible! Poor you.

thats it exactly. i know how rare my experience is and was. but on the other hand it obviously happens.

ive already stressed that im probably not the best person to talk to, but she wants to be prepared.
tbh, i wish i knew then as MUCH as i know now. but will def push mn on her....

god, makes me sound like a dealer

best stick to pooing and tearing then!

Seriously, there are plenty of positive experiences, but theres something competitive about mums relaying their hideous birth stories. I feel a bit uncomfortable saying "well, I've had 3 brilliant ones which couldn't have been better".

One of the babies born on our June AN thread yesterday was an hour from waters breaking to birth. Mum turned to the MW afterwards and said "That was a piece of piss!"

Obviously your experience was extremely distressing, but would (I hope) be extremely rare too.

lol @ pooing and tearing.

tbh im going to use my SILs birth experience as a "cover story" and if she asks about mine, just tell her but stress how rare it actually is.

personally i think if she asks tell her... it's people that just volunteer the information i find a bit ott!

i too had a crash section, when i was with my friend the other day, who is due in 3 weeks i played it down even though she kept asking.... more because i still find it hard to talk about

i'd rather tell people about ds1's birth which was fab!!!!

Do encourage her to go to a class to prepare for labour - I wasn't able to get on an NCT one in time but found the hospital one I did go to very useful preparation - particularly useful bits were having to think about pain relief and the various types of interventions that can be made - I had to be induced, used gas and air and a ventouse cup was used. Best to know, how else can you make sensible decisions about a scary experience.

If she wants to breastfeed, encourage her to get support and help prepared in advance in case of any difficulties. Although my birth experience wasn't ideal, it was ok in circumstances which were not chosen (ie being so overdue hence induction) and it was feeding which I'd really like to have been better prepared for the problems, I'm sad that I've missed out on being able to bf.

It depends on what and how you say it all I think. My first birth experience wasn't great and I'm hoping this time will be better. I tend to give the details very simply stressing that everyone/pg is diff etc. What I really dilike is people who tell their stories simply to terrify and think it's funny to scare first time Mum's. I think it's good to hear realistic accounts as I know from what we were told at my ante-natal classes you'd think giving birth is straight fwd etc (and it often is) - I feel they didn't tell us enough about what could go wrong, hence my induction and subsequent emCS were things I was not only unprepared for but also not entirely sure how it worked beforehand IYSWIM. Sensible tips and suppoet so much more helpful then outright horror stories.

I think its better to go in there prepared and know what it could be like. The best bit of advice I had was my sister in law who said that, when you think you are about to die thats when the baby will be born! I remembered it at the time and it was true!

Seriously though, everyones experience is so different that you dont want to frighten someone with details that may not even be relevant, but they do need to be aware of the more unsavory bits, the poo and tearing!

You can't tell her all about labour probably. You'd be there for hours. You can tell her about yours but that's not necessarily going to be helpful.

I'm the world's greatest bore on this but if she hasn't already got a a woman who can be with her throughout labour, I'd tell her to hire a doula.

I agree with foxy: 2 camps. I thought I had heard all the horror stories before I ever had my ds, and it didn't really bother me. Now that I have experienced one of the worst of them, at least I don't feel completely alone. In many ways it was a relief to know other people I could talk to who would understand.

I personally think education is the key as it removes the panic of the unknown. If you can rationalise 'the pain', then at least the fear factor is removed and that can only help. I do think that people's nightmare stories come ack to haunt you and play on your mind if you're anxious anyway but things said in a matter of fact & calm way, may have a completely different impact. She could read 'Birth Without Fear'-brill book.

yes. if you are honest and non-sensationalist about it, rather than trying to scare someone, I don't see why we should not be able to tell the truth.

There is a world of difference between giving someone information about labour and scaring them with hideous birth stories.

When I was pg for the first time everyone was very coy about labour. Then I had a cs without going into labour (she was feet-first). The second time, everyone obviously felt free to dump their hideous stories on me. The thing was, I was still nervously heading towards my first labour. It was not helpful!

Mind you, I had another cs without labour (placenta previa this time) and am now pg with my third child, contemplating my first labour. And I've read every hideous story going on MN!

Someone posted a question re episitomies recently. I think she was asking if the MW would tell you and explain before it was done.

Unfortunately she was treated to a whole load of rather detailed descriptions which made me feel rahter ill - and I have had one!

So yes, some basic facts, this could happen, that could happen, what to ask or do but no gory details.

sometimes people just utterly reject any birth story that isn't all sunshine and roses. I was with a group of people recently, and there were 2 PG women there. One mentioned that everyone was always trying to tell her "horror stories". One girl piped up and said "well I've heard lots of them, but vizbizz has the worst I have heard in a while" We didn't go into any details, and she was sooooo ticked off to even hear that another person had a hard time of it.

Even if you don't want to hear the horror stories, you need to face the fact that there are quite a lot of them out there, and that birth is all too often more difficult and traumatic than ante-natal classes even begin to hint at.

no , ignorance is bliss imo,,but i had a crap time really, i wsouls just advise her to have fluid plans as birth thinggies can change so quickly

I've changed my perspective hugely since having my second, very different birth.

Before I always thought my first was less than ideal, but mainly in that I felt ignored by the hospital etc. and didn't manage to avoid any intervention, which made things kind of escalate...however it was quick, and pretty easy on the pain. So no trouble telling people about it, I was confident before it and felt I would do it again albeit differently.

This time hurt like I've never known, no pain relief at all and very fast. Everyone who was there keeps saying how impressed they were, but at the time I was so traumatised that I couldn't even think about it, let alone people would come on mumsnet and talk about birth as if it was something 'normal'!

Since then (2 days ago) I find it very hard to see my pregnant friends because I don't want to freak them out, yet I know exactly how frightening and awful it felt.

I have talked about it with my friends who were present (thanking God for them now) but wouldn't wish to put ideas into others' heads about the horrendousness if they don't already know. I think they need their blas confidence more than they ever will again, but still, they might have the same filter I did when I was first pregnant, I wouldn't have believed them anyway

Take it gently with your mate and see if she asks for graphic detail before being totally honest.